A/N: Sorry I've taken so long to update...had serious writers block! Anyways, here's a double posting:) Oh, and the beginning part of this chapter is a flashback.
Chapter Nine: There Goes My Sanity, Pt. 2
"I'm sorry, Tonks…" he whispered, his deep eyes boring holes into her skin.
The girl flinched, and drew her eyes down to her shoes. "Remus. It can't be over. It just can't…" She choked on her words and stopped, feeling her short, spiky hair slide over he shoulders in tousles of mousy brown. "You at least have to give me a reason."
Now it was the mans turn to flinch, and he drew his own eyes to the floor, mostly because he dared not let on that heavy tears were now blurring his vision. "I can't."
"Fuck this, Remus," she rasped, though her eyes were still dry, and glaring angrily at the man. "Fuck this. We're meant to be, and you damn well know it."
"Don't make this difficult," the man said quickly, but winced after the words left his mouth, as though immediately regretting them.
The girl stiffened, her lips curving into a maddening scowl. "For you, or for me?"
The man shook his head. "For both of us…Nymphadora…"
"DON'T fucking call me that!" she screeched, turning her head sharply away from him, which flicked her tangled tawny hair against his cheeks.
The man stepped back, his longish hair falling in front of his eyes. "I'm sorry."
The girl turned back, her small body quivering. With wide eyes, she stared at him hopelessly. "It's over," she murmured, in such a way in wasn't a statement, but it wasn't a question either.
"Yes," the man said, his voice so low, his words were barely audible.
For a moment they stood, looking miserably at each other, the only sound their heavy breathing.
"We can make it work," pleaded the girl, stepping closer to him.
"No, we can't," the man replied softly, swiftly stepping back and replacing the distance between them.
"We love each other," she tried, moving so quickly towards him the man had no chance to get away. She gently placed her hands on his chest. "We love each other, and that's –"
"I don't love you," interrupted the man, a coldness filling his eyes that seemed desperately out of place.
The girl blinked, and a lone tear slipped down her cheek. "Remus?"
"I don't love you," he repeated, his words now as cold as his expression.
The girl stared at him blankly, her face pale and stained with hurt, and her body swaying precariously. Without another word, she turned, and raced out of the room, her breath strangled and much too heavy.
The man stood, alone in the room, his hand over his face. He fell to the floor, and his hand slipped away. His tired, worn face was filled with hurt and regret, and an ocean of tears began to spill from his eyes.
He drew his wand, and pointed it dangerously at his temple. He gasped, and let a few more tears slip down his face, before dropping the wand, letting it hit the ground with a small clattering sound.
He turned to face the window, in which snow was falling fast. He shut his eyes, and mumbled something softly under his breath. "I must do what's right," he told himself aloud. "I have to do what will keep her safe."
And, for a moment, he thought he could see the glowing yellow eyes of Fenrir Greyback glinting with satisfaction at him through the windowpane.
I jolted awake, my eyes wide, and my breathing hard. Shaking my head, I pulled off my covers. I don't know how much more of this I can take.
As I spied my ready-to-go suitcases in the corner, I sighed. Calais today.
I quickly raced downstairs, luggage in hand. I was hoping beyond hope it wouldn't be just Lupin and I. I was too tired to deal with anything, especially Lupin.
But, just my luck, as I reached the end of the stairwell, my eyes locked momentarily with those of Remus Lupin.
He nodded in acknowledgment, and looked down at his shoes.
Sucking in a shaky breath, I walked door until I was only a few steps away from him.
"G'morning." His name had nearly slipped into my greeting, but I stopped myself just before. I couldn't bring myself to say it. At least out loud, and not in anger.
Lupin peered up at me, his eyes betraying nothing but momentary surprise. "'Morning, Tonks," he replied conversationally.
I bit my lip hard at the sound of him saying my name so easily. How could he do that? Didn't he care? Wasn't he feeling the same as me right now?
"Where's Hestia?" I asked quietly, feeling suddenly drained. Great. Now think of what a whole conversation would do to me.
"She went to see Bill once more with Charlie before we left," answered Lupin quickly, because, as usual, he knew everything.
I sat down suddenly, my back pressing up against the banister. "Well." I adjusted my position, and drew my eyes up to the ceiling. "This is going to take awhile."
"Yes…" Lupin trailed off, and shifted uncomfortably. His eyes were darting from side to side, and I could tell he desperately was trying to avoid looking at me. My anger level boiled – he obviously felt guilty. I mean, was I that awful to look at? That much of a train wreck? Was I one of those broken girls that people just stopped and stared at, the pity practically dripping from their eyes? I blinked quickly, and looked down towards my shoes. Without even having to think about that, I knew the answer.
But there was something I didn't know. I had been dreading to ask this, but I knew this time I wouldn't be able to stop myself.
"Why did you do it?" I asked, luckily keeping my voice calm and low, the exact opposite of how I felt at the moment.
Lupin's eyes flashed, and he concentrated determinedly on the floor. He knew what I was talking about. "Tonks…"
"Don't, Lupin," I said sharply, my eyes now boring holes into his skin. For once in what seemed like forever, I felt like I was in control. The situation was in my hands, and I had better take advantage of it while I still could. "I'm not freaking out, I'm not yelling, I'm not crying – I'm just asking you. Please. I need to know."
Lupin sighed, and he lifted his face, which was suddenly looking more tired and worn then ever. "I had to," he rasped.
"Why?" I replied quickly, standing up slowly, and tenuously taking a step towards him. My heart was now pounding in my ears, I could feel myself slowly losing ground.
Lupin licked his lips, and finally met my eyes. His were shining over bright in the dim light, and I suddenly realized that he was, in fact, feeling just as horrible as I was now. He was suffering too – but in his own, 'I'm-just-fine-don't-bother-me' Remus Lupin kind of way.
"I - " He stopped, suddenly looking unsure of his own words. "There – there are things you don't know, Nympha –"
Suddenly, the front door slammed open, and Lupin immediately choked on his words. Before us stood Harry, Ron and Hermione, a look of regretful defeat of each one of their faces.
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Please R and R!
