Soul Searching
Chapter 4
You had me from hello by Kenny Chesney
Minor Spoliers: Rose and World War Three
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One word, that's all was said, Something in your voice called me, turned my head
Rose lay beside the Doctor, curled up by his side, her head resting on his chest listening to the sound of his hearts beating. He held her close to him as they lay in his bed, tangled between cotton sheets that had previously been so carefully laid on his bed. Rose snuggled against the Doctor searching for his warmth, her legs entwined with his. She couldn't help but think this was strange, it was a thousand times better than any dream she had ever had. To finally be lying in his arms, feeling his touch, savouring his warmth, it was like nothing she had ever experienced. The Doctor lay there just feeling Rose against his chest, it was a good feeling – a spectacular feeling – to just to hold her in his arms and lie like this with her. He never wanted this moment to end. Rose snuggled closer to him and keeping her eyes closed she whispered 'Doctor?' it was a content whisper, she sounded as though she could fall asleep right this second. His ran his fingers through her soft mane of blonde hair, closing his fingers around it savouring the touch.
'Mmmm' he replied, not feeling the need to speak. She rolled her head to the side so she could see his eyes. They were chocolate brown, lazy and satisfied with a twinkle in them, he looked into her eyes which just deepened with mysteries.
Your smile captured me; you were in my future as far as I could see. And I don't know how it happened, but it happens still.
'Doctor?' she quietly asked, the sound of a smile on her voice. Her fingers traced forgotten scars on his chest as she spoke to him. He watched her fingers moves so delicately and gently as though he was some magical treasure that was incredibly precious to her. He put his fingers in her hair again as he watched her, he loved her hair, the smell of it, the feel of it, the look of it.
'Rose' he quietly answered a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. He wished they could just lay like this forever, love like this forever. Rose sat up, leaning her elbows on his chest so she was looking directly down into his eyes, her hair had become a mess of curls all tangled with one another but Doctor thought she looked beautiful anyway. He put his hands on her hips steadying her as she looked at him.
'Why do you love me?' she quietly asked, her eyes intensely focused on his lips as though she couldn't bear to watch his eyes. He was slightly taken back by this question but continued to watch her eyes. He lifted one hand to brush a lose curl off of her face so he could bath in her beauty whilst he though of his answer.
Well, you had me from "Hello" I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes
He'd loved her from the moment he had said hello. The first time he met her he had grabbed her hand and shouted 'run'. He held the same hand now and squeezed it remembering their past. He'd slammed that door shut just about to run off and save the world, then her face flashed through his mind, he had to know who she was. So he went back – it turned out the only time he would ever turn back would be for her. Then he remembered the first time he felt that gut wrenching fear – the first time he knew that if anything happened to her his world would never be the same, it was the time the plastic hand went for her throat. A smile passed over his lips as he remembered falling in to the coffee table, it shattering under their weight as Rose fell on top of him. She may have only stayed there for a few seconds but they were certainly the most exhilarating seconds of his life. So that was the moment, the moment the Doctor knew he needed Rose.
You won me; it was over from the start.
You completely stole my heart, and now you won't let go
'Oh Rose' he whispered as he lost himself in her gaze, in the coolness of her skin pressed against his. He'd tried not loving her, he'd tried ignoring the feelings, convincing himself that she was just a passing infatuation, that the feelings could never be returned, even that it wasn't love he just thought it was because he'd been alone for such a long time. But the more he fought it the more he felt it, and the more he felt it the more he believed they were doomed. He'd tried to control these feelings by letting her bring her various boyfriends aboard, he's tolerated Mickey the Idiot – he may have turned out to be not so idiotic but he still disliked him. He disliked him from the moment they met – not because he had offended him but because he had been with Rose, because he knew what it felt like to press his lips against hers, because he knew what it was like to hold Rose to him in the long, cold, lonely nights, because he had years of memories with Rose that the Doctor couldn't even replace. He even hated Mickey for knowing her favourite things and whenever he saw Mickey he tired so hard to brag about his relationship with Rose, his memories with her, him knowing how she liked her hair and what her favourite day of the week was, the thing that made him continue to hate Mickey was the fact that he had been with Rose whilst the Doctor could only fantasize about it.
Inside I built a wall so high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall.
One touch, you brought it down Bricks of my defences scattered on the ground
The Doctor traced the line of her smile along her face, his thumb tickling her lip as her eyes watched him absorbing every emotion that flickered across his soul. He'd tried to protect himself from love, from the love that he felt for her and the love that he was afraid of receiving. He'd warned Rose from the beginning 'I don't do domestic'. That was the first barrier that he had built to try and protect himself and his heart. He'd loved so many people, in so many different ways, in so many different places. He'd had so many companions each dead, abandoned or left him, there was so much hurt and pain in his life he didn't think he could handle anymore of it. Then there was the Time War, the war in which to destroy the Daleks he had to kill every single one of his people, his race – the Time Lords. That's why he existed, why he was the last Time Lord, he'd been so alone for so long, grieving for the loss of his home, with no one to hear him cry and no one to comfort him – no one but the Tardis. That's why he had to protect his heart, he had become resistant to love and loss – years and years of murder, death and destroyed hopes can take it toll on anyone – especially a nine hundred year old alien. There was nothing else he could do but protect himself from it all. But Rose had seen through it – seen through him, she would look at him so hopefully and lovingly and he would wish and pray that this didn't end like everything else in his life did – dead.
And I swore to me that I wasn't going to love again
The last time was the last time I'd let someone in
'I love you Rose, because…' he began as he watched her thinking. She always pulled the same face as she thought – it was the most adorable human face that always made him smile no matter how foul of a mood he was in. Her smile always managed to save him, she would smile that secret smile she smiled only for him and then slip her hand into his and squeeze. No matter where they were or what they felt this simple ritual would make him feel immensely better. If just holding her hand could elevate his sprits in such away imagine what spending a night with her could do. He still couldn't believe that she loved him, after he had tried so hard to force her to hate him, to force her to not love him, to just make her not need him as desperately as he needed her. She now straddled his waist, a sheet loosely covering her and she looked at the Doctor, her eyes lit up and she beamed at him whilst she waited for the end of his sentence. His hands came to a rest on her waist and he just sat there looking at her.
I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes,
You completely stole my heart, and now you wont let go.
I never even had a chance you know?
He'd known that he loved her for a long time, even the Dalek could tell he loved her, he'd told him 'what use are emotions if you will not save the woman you love', he hadn't been sure of what he felt then but he knew that he felt something. He knew the first time he had felt physically attracted to her, it was when they went to 1869 Cardiff and she had worn that dress. He'd known for a long time that he could never live without her, really from the moment they were trapped in Downing Street and the Doctor knew there was only one way he could save everyone – almost everyone – and that would involve losing Rose. He couldn't bring himself to do it, but his brave, sweet, daring Rose told him to go ahead without a blink of an eye. For that he loved her even more, for being so much like him and for understanding him so well.
He stroked a piece of hair out of her face and smiled lovingly at her.
'Rose Tyler, I love you because it's impossible not to' he told her, his voice filled with praise for this wonderful woman who lay with him.
Thats all you said Something in your voice calls me, turns my head You had me from "Hello" Girl, I've loved you from "Hello"
Rose grinned at him and the Doctor knew he would never be the same again. Rose had changed his life, his world, no matter how often they argued, how much they teased, how much they annoyed one another he could never leave her. He would never leave her because life without Rose Tyler was pointless – it was a passionless, empty, dull life that would surely kill him if he ever had to experience it again. Knowing this the Doctor vowed to himself no matter how bad things got, no matter what horrors faced him he could never leave her, never leave his Rose.
The Doctor sat up and rolled over trapping her beneath him. Her giggles filled the Tardis reaching every dark corner and bringing life to it. Her trapped her beneath the cage of his arms and gentle pressed kisses down her face, onto her neck, down her arms. He raised his head to see she was watching him with excitement in her eyes; he lent forward and pressed a kiss to her nose.
'So Miss Tyler-' he began and Rose knew what he was going to say before he even said it.
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