Chapter Twelve: Surface
As I carved the shaky fourth line onto the cave wall, I realized I would die here. It was, it seemed, my fourth day locked in this hellhole. I hadn't eaten in five, not to mention the overwhelming thirst.
I was going to die here.
I wanted to cry, scream, maybe even attempt another half-witted escape attempt, but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I just stared, my back against the wall, and my mouth half open, as though my face was stuck in a look of absolute bewilderment.
I was going to die here.
I hated him, I hated Wormtail, and I hated all those cowardly Death Eaters. They had won, they will win, and there was nothing I could do about it. I would die here, before any of the Order members could even find me. I had given up hope on that after the first few days. Then, I had hated Hestia. Had she even tried to save me? Had she even cared?
But, now, I couldn't. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't anybody's fault but theirs.
Suddenly, a loud crack and a resounding tidal way of bright light filled the room. I let out a dull shriek, and attempting to cover my eyes, which were burning from the even dull light.
"Well, you're still alive," he hissed at me, and for a moment I wondered if this was a dream. If I was dead and merely experiencing some weird illusion. My mind couldn't let me think that maybe I was getting out of this room. But – what else could I have to look forward to? This was Wormtail. He was not going to let me go free.
My footsteps neared me, and I attempt to focus my hopelessly blurred vision. He seemed to be almost floating along the cold floor, his body out of proportion and overly colorful.
"Get up," he commanded, stomping his foot loudly against the floor beside me.
Grunting in slight protest, I attempted to lift myself up. I relied greatly on the hard wall behind me, but even with it I felt myself slipping.
"I…can't…" I mumbled as I struggled against my own body weight. Suddenly, felt my weight shift from under, I fell face forward into Wormtail, unable to stop myself.
Wormtail growled as he tried to push me off him. Surprisingly, the action had great effect. I was now on my feet, somewhat steady. My arms felt like giant weights at my sides, and I doubted I could properly move my legs, but I was up.
"Come," he said shortly, and flicked his wand towards me. I suddenly felt a hard pull on my mid drift as I was pushed slowly forward, following along behind Wormtail.
He quickly exited the dark room, and light filled my eyes once more. The burning sensation already there increased, and now I cried out in pain. Wormtail stopped, and turned to me.
"Shut up," he snapped, his voice not keeping steady. A subtle voice inside me told me he was afraid of me. Me. I was hurt, near dead, a basically useless corpse, and yet he was afraid. I wanted to laugh, in fact, I almost did. Until I was reminded greatly of two things – one, I can't even walk. Laughing might not be the best thing to do. And two – just because he was afraid, didn't mean he was unable. He had a wand, not me.
He turned back away from me, and continued walking along the torched lit path, towards a large green door.
I blinked, and suddenly felt my eyes begin to focus. I looked wildly around, ignoring the still prominent pains overtaking my body.
"Where are you taking me?" I whispered, shocked at the hoarseness of my own voice.
"Oh, I promise, you'll enjoy…it," he ended lamely, his evil spiel showing just how much of a loser he was. Apparently Wormtail noticed that too. He scowled.
We turned a sudden corner, and I wondered vaguely how big this cave was, and how I hadn't even noticed it before. This place was gigantic. Hundreds of tunnel, and tons of empty space. Crazy.
Suddenly, we entered a large space I knew I had seen before. It was the room in which I had originally awakened. A small shiver down my spine. This was where Hestia had been held, too. Which meant…
My eyes began to scan the room quickly, but Wormtail's close perimeter blocked my view.
He turned, uncovering what I feared I would see.
The limp body of Lupin was lying, huddled up, in the far corner of the room. His eyes were closed, his arms laying at uncomfortable angles by his sides, and he was a ghastly shade of white. Oh, Merlin.
Before another thought could process in my mind, Wormtail jumped in front of Lupin, scowling something terrible, and making sure I could see that his wand was pointing directly to Lupin's heart.
"I'll kill him!" he screeched, his voice echoing through the empty chamber. "You have no idea how much I've wanted this, and how long I've waited!" He snarled, and placed an abrupt kick to Lupin's side. Lupin twitched horribly in his sleep, and I found myself taking a step forward. "Stop!" he screamed. "Stop right there or I swear I'll do it! I'll kill him!" I froze, and stared at Wormtail, blood pounding loudly in my ears. Once he was sure I was not going to make any sudden movements, he crouched down beside Lupin's body, his finger straying lightly across his chest. He paused as his finger hit a bloody mass of cloth, which I could only assume used to be part of Lupin's shirt. They had beaten him to a pulp.
"He was always the one I envied the most," continued Wormtail after a moment, a finger still placed on Lupin. "James and Sirius had always been the handsome, athletic, cunning ones, but all that didn't matter, compared to what Remus had. He was smart, powerful, and above all…brave."
Wormtail's eyes glazed over, and his hands now seemed to be shaking violently, like someone under an Unforgivable. "He would do anything for anyone…no matter how much he hated them. He would have easily given up his soul for James or Sirius, perhaps even I." Wormtail's voice wavered, and I was reminded yet again of how persistently insecure he was. "He had such bravery that only a Gryffindor could ever achieve. He was a saint in himself. That power alone was far more valuable that anything James and Sirius could ever achieve."
Suddenly, Wormtail eyes turned cold, and a deep fury ran through his body as he curled his hands into fists. "But, oh! How that ungrateful sod abused these powers! He waved them off, disregarded them!" Wormtail shrieked menacingly with laughter, and a shiver ran through my spine. "Modesty! As if that has ever gotten anyone anywhere! Why, I used to think, why was such an undeserving man given such ultimate powers? Why couldn't I someone of obviously a higher frame of mind, have these? Why had fate tempted me like this, like a blind man who knew of sight, but could never see? And then, then, it happened. I was given a proposal I could not refuse, from the Dark Lord himself. Of course, I had agreed immediately. This was what I had always dreamed of. A chance to prove my bravery, a chance to show others of it!"
Now, Wormtail stood, his eyes passionate with rage. He turned to Lupin's body, and kicked it, over and over again until I cried out, tears pounding to the point of pain at the back of my eyes. Lupin was now bleeding, the cuts on his chest reopening. Wormtail stopped, panting. His face was that of a madman when he turned to me, continuing on. "But no! Look what I have become! A rat! A fool! A COWARD!" Wormtail was past the point of control. I felt tears slide down my cheeks. "Nothing has gone my way! What I thought was my chance to win, finally, was only another chance to fail, a chance to destroy myself in the views of others!" Wormtail took his wand, and pointed it once again at Lupin's heart, now staring me blankly in the eye. "There will be punishment this time! I cannot, and will not let them get the better of me! Not again!"
Silence rang through the chamber, except for the occasional sounds of me trying to restrain my crying. Finally, I realized he was waiting for me to speak. "But…I don't understand," I sobbed, the tears refusing to stop. "Why Lupin? Why not…You-You Know Who? Lupin has done nothing to you! It-it's not his fault!"
Wormtail shook his head, his now bloodshot eyes bulging out at me. "No. You don't understand. If not for the Dark Lord, I would be far worse than I am now. He saved me. I own him everything." I almost saw a smile creep onto his haunted face, before his eyes went dark again. "If they – Remus, James, and Sirius Bloody Black – had just stayed away from me, none of this would have happened! I would not be the wreck I am now! They destroyed me with their superiority, their bragging, and their patronizing! They made me the fool I am today! But – now, they are all gone. Gone from my life and my nightmares. I finally feel…free." A sick grin came across Wormtail's face. "Well, all of them…except one." His eyes fell once more on Lupin, and then slowly back to me. My blood ran cold.
"You can't kill him." The words rasped out of my mouth before I could stop myself. "Kill me instead."
Wormtail smirked, crookedly. "You two are made for each other, it seems," he drawled. "You love him, no?"
I blinked. What was he doing? "Yes," I whispered, not meeting his eyes.
"And he loves you?"
My expression hardened. "I bloody well hope so," I snarled, finally feeling my fury towards Wormtail kick in.
Wormtail's smirk only widened. "Good. And, I supposed, you'd want the man you love to die in the most dignified way possible?"
My eyes narrowed, and I once again made a move for Lupin's body, but Wormtail stopped me with his hand. I scowled. "Why are you asking me this?"
"So, I'm assuming this means that you wouldn't want his death to be caused by such an ignorant rat such as myself?"
Panic began to rise in my chest, and I felt desperate. Before I could respond, however, he leaned closer to me, his rat-like face glistening.
"You want the deed to be done in a way that he would not loathe, a way that he would not be rolling over in his grave because?"
My breath caught, and I stared Wormtail in the eye. "What are you doing?" I whispered to him, my voice hoarse and weak.
Wormtail smiled. "I'm making you a preposition."
---
I stared at my reflection in the cracked mirror. The long, black robes I had been given shadowed my face, and covered me from head to foot. The dragon hide gloves and boots matched the black of my robes perfectly, and were glistening lightly in the dull moonlight. My hair was tied roughly back into a dirtied ribbon, and the mousy-brown colour of it clashed horribly with my wardrobe. My eyes were red and puffy, the only colorful thing about my appearance. My face was a shade of skeletal white I had never known was possible to achieve. Almost unwillingly, I slipped on the last part of my costume: the heavy, frightening mask, which shielded everyone from my true appearance.
I was a monster.
Tears threatened to pour as I browsed over my thoughts, going over and over Wormtail's words. He had told me it was the only chance to give Lupin a respectable death. That I would die if I didn't – that every member of the Order would die if I didn't! He told me he knew who each and every member was, and where they were situated. He was right. I needed to talk to them. I needed to tell them to run. To take their families and run away from Voldemort and this goddamned stupid war. To tell them that we were losing.
He had handed my wand back to me. He had said I wouldn't escape. I knew he was right. He had then given me what he called my "uniform". The words stung me. I was doing this. We were losing, and I had already lost.
I bit my lip, hard, trying to prevent it from shaking. How was I supposed to do this? I couldn't even kill Bellatrix – someone I hated with a passion. I had never held a wand to someone I loved before. I could never kill someone I loved.
But my alternative, I knew, was worse. And Wormtail knew it, too. I could never let Wormtail kill Lupin. I loved him too much to have that happen to him.
My eyes glazed over, and I stared, unfocused, at my wand. I rubbed my fingers against its smooth surface, brushing away the tears that were now dripping onto it. Taking off my mask, I allowed myself a moment to cry freely. I was being selfish; I knew. I had no right to cry, I would never have a right to cry after this. Everything that had happened tonight was my fault, in one way or another. I had been captured. I had been the bait. I had put Hestia's life in danger, and was now ending Lupin's. This was my entire fault.
For a moment, I saw myself lifting my wand to my head, screaming and screaming and screaming until it all went black. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. However horrible it was, I owed this to Lupin.
I had to do it.
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