Coruscant… the thought of going back there both excites me and fills me with cold fear. The rebel leaders are quickly becoming the New Republic, picking up the pieces of the decaying Empire as it slowly self-destructs. I know that the Alliance will relish the thought of having me at their mercy, and will ensure that I am punished. It is what I deserve though; I need to atone for my crimes.
Yet part of me, the larger part I have to admit, longs to use my enormous skills to help heal the galaxy. Would not that be the best way for me to repay my debt? It seems an enormous waste to lock me away for the rest of my life, or to kill me outright, when I have so much to offer. I was the most famous, the most powerful warrior of my generation; no Jedi Knight ever knew the power that I have! Having spent a lifetime using those powers for nefarious ends, I feel compelled, driven even to turn them to good. Is the Alliance so hell bent on punishing me that they will ignore what I have to offer? Are they so unwilling to see that I have changed that they will simply refuse to give me the chance to prove my worth to them?
I run my hands through my hair; my mind and heart troubled by what I sense will be a difficult few days. My children are coming to bring me to Coruscant tomorrow, and, I am sure, the leaders of the burgeoning new government will decide my fate. Will they give me a chance to speak, I wonder, or have they already decided upon my destiny? I feel helpless as I wait, completely at the mercy of those who were once my enemies. Now they are in control, they are to determine my fate.
I remember a time, not that long ago in fact, when ruling the galaxy was all I wanted. I was consumed by my lust for power, driven to commit unspeakable acts, rationalizing them by calling them 'justice'. What a fool…what a pompous, ignorant ass I have been….now I know that all that truly matters is the love of the people you are close to. Love, forgiveness, peace…that is all I crave now. Ironic really, that I could have had all those things had I just listened to Padmé, if I had only gone with her when she begged me to.
The bitterness of my regret fills me, making my despair even greater as I sit alone, but for the hideous creature that sits in the corner of my cell. What I would give now to have that life that she wanted, to spend the rest of my days living in peace with my family. Will I ever know peace? Is it the lot of the Chosen One to never know its sweet embrace? Am I to spend my whole life grasping for it in vain?
My mind does not allow me to fall asleep for what feels like an eternity. The tension in my body makes the already uncomfortable cot feel like solid rock. If only I could use the Force to relax! Sleep always came easily before the dreams, before the Darkness…
Sleep, when it does finally come, is fitful, full of disjointed imaged I cannot connect. The incessant drip of water in my cell pervades my sleeping mind, making me dream of deep, watery places.
I have always been deathly afraid of deep water; any normal desert dweller is. I wake up struggling to surface, perhaps metaphoric of my life. I have no way of reckoning time in the hole, but my stomach tells me that it must be close to morning. I stand up and stretch, the cheap prison-issue fabric straining against my shoulders and back. I feel so dirty, for it has been days since I was given the privilege of a shower. I rub at my chin, where I find several days' worth of beard has grown since my last shave. I smile as a memory blossoms in my mind…
The Clone Wars have raged on now for nearly a full year. I have been given furlough for two days, and am anxious to see my angel. It seems forever for the lift to bring me to our apartment, where I know she will be waiting for me. The doors open, and there she is, looking as beautiful and radiant as I had imagined her to look. She runs into my arms, and we lock in a passionate embrace. She pulls back from me and looks up into my face. "Ani," she chides gently, with a smile on her face, "when was the last time you shaved?"
I laugh, rubbing my chin. "It has been a few days," I admit sheepishly. "I've been rather busy lately. Should I shave now before we…well..."
Padmé laughs. "Oh no," she replies, wrapping her arms around my waist and pulling me to her again. "I like it," she says, looking up at me with a seductive gleam in her eyes. "It makes you look…dangerous.."
I raise an eyebrow, surprised by her choice of words. "Oh does it now?" I ask a rakish grin on my face. She merely nods in response. "Why yes, Milady," I tell her, narrowing my eyes and trying to give her my best dangerous-guy look. "I'm dangerous; alright…you have no idea..."
She giggles at me, and the sound of it is like a balm on my soul. I lift her into my arms and kiss her, and then carry her up to our bed, my mouth never leaving hers…
I sigh, the memory bittersweet. Our time together was always so short; it seemed that I was always leaving her. And I was never strong enough to say good-bye to her, never able to face her tears; so I would leave in the wee hours of the morning, kiss her as she slept and slip out as the fingers of early dawn invaded our room. I hated doing it, hated leaving her like that, but both of us were terrified that our secret would be discovered. I had to do everything I could not to arouse the suspicions of my Master, or any of the other members of the Jedi Council. Obi-Wan would always be waiting for me, never suspecting that his dutiful padawan had spent the night making love to the woman he loved. Obi-Wan…a pang of remorse settles into my heart as I think of him now. I was so bitter, so angry when we last met- I know now that I must get past these feelings of resentment I harbor towards him. I must get past Mustafar, forgive him for what happened there if I expect the galaxy to forgive me my trespasses. Yet I cannot help but be resentful for the way he manipulated my son, as though he was grooming him to kill me one day, ridding himself once and for all of my troublesome existence. I need to know why, I decide, I need to hear Obi-Wan's justification, his explanation for what he did. I only hope that it is enough to allow me to put aside my anger where he is concerned, for I know that I must if I am ever to know peace within myself.
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