Sacrifice
Huh, well, hello to you all again. Did you know I just took a gander at the disclaimer for this fanfic, and realized that when I started this fic, it was around volume eight? And now we're at volume twelve? Wow, how time passes, and how my procrastination skills have developed! Eep.
My excuses this time around are finals, family vacation (which equals no computer access pretty much), and minor personal problems. Or you can just substitute laziness for all that, and still be pretty close to the truth of it. X3 But, honestly,I am really sorry about the delay.
Not much for me to say in this chapter, except to point out that it's the second to last chapter. After I finish the next chapter, I'll be moving onto the prequel for this story which deals with Fai's past unless CLAMP goes into it soon and does it to my satisfaction. Then I'll just skip that and move onto the sequel, but I'm rather fond of the prequel so who knows what will happen….
Many thanks to the readers, and to Sahara Storm who on rather short notice took a break from my horrifying Bleach fic to take a gander at this one. :3 Thank you.
The kiss was awkward and painfully sloppy, but it did not matter in the end. Because it was Fai, and he liked to think that despite how terribly petty the blond could be, he would be forgiven for not being the best at kissing.
It did not, in all honesty, help that he felt like he was being compared with someone. Judged against, almost. And that person was Ashura, someone who had made such an effect on another person's life like nothing he had ever seen before. But the last thing he really wanted to think about was Fai's king, especially now.
Fai was tense against his body at first, the arm crushed between them pushing at him ever so slightly. But then the mage relaxed into his kiss and they stood there, locked into some strange embrace that was definitely better than when Fai had last been trying to prove his resemblance to a slimy octopus.
It was strange that he would be thinking about that at a time like this. Shouldn't he be having some sort of romantic thought, and maybe even figuring out a subtle way of quickly – but politely – getting Fai out of those clothes, rather than thinking of one of the last embarrassing spectacles they had been in? He laughed slightly into the kiss, something that he thought should have bothered Fai but didn't seem to make one bit of a difference.
This thought cheered him slightly.
He needed a bit of cheering. Although the kiss was certainly pleasant despite being imperfect, it didn't keep him from dwelling on what Fai had implied only moments before, and what he had said that had needed saying for much too long. That he was not Ashura, that he was not who Fai wanted him to be if that was the case. That he was his own person, and while he would do anything for the mage, there were some things he could never do.
He could never become a different person.
And because he would never be Ashura, he would never make Ashura's mistakes. He might make the same mistakes, but they would be his own, and they would not lead to the same paths as those that Fai had so obviously traveled in a past that was always there, overshadowing the present and trying to change the potential future.
He broke the kiss but did not pull away, instead allowing Fai to lean closer and rest his head on his chest. The mage sighed, the trapped hand digging into the fabric of his cape as the blond whispered, "No. No, you're not. You've made that perfectly clear."
It took him a moment to figure out what Fai was saying, as if the kiss had happily proceeded to knock out all common sense from his head. But Kurogane was anything but stupid – or that easy to manipulate – and he cocked his head slightly to give Fai a look that the blond couldn't see because those blue eyes were fixated on the ground.
"Is that what you wanted?" he asked. "Did you want me to be him?"
The mage shrugged. "I loved him. Isn't it common to try and mold people into the vision of someone you love?" It sounded almost reasonable but the words were said so weakly that he doubted even Fai believed them, and then the mage was looking up at him and smiling apologetically, as if he had just admitted to some crime. "I suppose you are still angry."
"Yes," he replied flatly. "But that isn't the point."
There was a slight smile on the blond's face, but he didn't have time to think on that because then Fai was saying, "It wasn't good for me, that love. I know that now. But I loved him before any of that, and… for me, he was everything I had in that world. He was everything I had in that life." He shook his head slightly, as if in disgust of himself, and then the smile turned dry. "And when he was gone, I had no reason to stay anymore.
"It's something you could never understand, is it?"
He could do nothing more than give Fai an odd look, although it took everything he had in him not to interrogate further. But this wasn't quite the time for it, was it? And his last questioning had not gone very well, so perhaps later….
Later.
"I don't think I can ever understand you."
Because there would be a later. He knew this now, without a doubt.
Why, he still could not be sure. What did he owe Fai? What did he owe any of them? Yet they commanded his loyalty, and it was really too late for him to back out when he now had so much invested in all of this.
"I'm surprised you even bother trying," Fai said with more cheer than he obviously felt.
"I shouldn't," Kurogane agreed readily, but the way he now avoided Fai's eyes made them both realize that it was really too late for all of that, and that sobering thought caused the mage to look as if… as if, nothing. He did not know how to describe that look, and he probably never would. Hopefully, he would never have to because perhaps if he did what… what he knew was right deep down, he would never have to see that expression again.
"I'm sorry."
He flinched, uncomfortable with the sudden apology. "What are you apologizing for?"
Fai stared at him, as if in utter confusion on what had just been asked. Considering the idiot tendencies the blond liked to display, it was rather possible if not completely flattering, "I…"
"You don't even know what you're apologizing for?" Kurogane demanded incredulously, and when Fai's face turned to something almost like a pout, he had to resist the urge to bark out harsh laughter. But the next quiet words ended that possibility quickly.
"I can't be the person you want me to be either." When he said nothing, Fai continued, elaborating on his previous statement, "I can never be as strong as you want me to be. You don't want to be attached to someone weak, do you?"
He continued to keep the silence, even after Fai's voice had trailed off and the blond was looking at him almost hopelessly. He supposed he should tell the man that he didn't want to be attached to anyone, strong or weak. Either way, someone was bound to die. Just look at his parents. His father and mother were some of the strongest people he had ever known in their own respects, but hadn't they succumbed to the disease known as mortality? He had been able to stop thinking about them for so long until he had realized that he had something he wanted to protect again. It didn't seem to matter how strong that person was, as long as he didn't fail in his own task.
It was easier to think that way, that he could have control of the situation. But Fai was so flighty, so unreal it sometimes seemed, that he wasn't sure he could ever really manage it.
But either way….
He shrugged, looking over Fai to stare at what had become the night sky. "It's too late for that."
The blond laughed softly, burying a pale face into his chest so that the words came out so muffled that he couldn't tell if Fai was really laughing or not, "I'm sorry."
If he had been a little braver, he might have wrapped his arms around that thin body. Instead, he grunted, "You shouldn't apologize if you don't know what you're apologizing for."
But Fai just mumbled another apology, and he decided that perhaps he was brave enough to put one arm around Fai's shoulders. Since the other was dangling uselessly, he used that one too after a moment, although that was more out of convenience than the fact that he was trying to prove anything. Because he didn't really have anything else to prove. Maybe he couldn't say the words, but he thought that the mage knew without him having to say it. That he – the person who had taken his time to come to the realization that it could happen after all, despite the jokes that ran rampant on how he didn't have a heart – was and more importantly, could admit that he was rather… well, it was suddenly very important that he stay with Fai, despite how ridiculous a notion that had seemed a few weeks prior. Even now, it seemed almost whimsical and so wrong, but here, right now, it didn't really seem that way. As illogical as it was, he couldn't talk himself out of these notions, and all he could really do was grit his teeth and give in, and make the best of it for both of them.
It wasn't really that hard, he had to admit. And there wasn't really much gritting of teeth, although he knew that there would be in the future when Mokona found out and started to shriek in joy at the top of its damnably large lungs.
And then he heard the familiar high-pitched sound that announced it was starting, and the babble of voices from the courtyard became louder in anticipation. This gave him only a few seconds to turn Fai around so that they could see the first brightly colored firecrackers burst in the sky, the dazzling display of utter waste and pointlessness somehow seeming a little less so when he looked down to see the stupid grin on Fai's face.
The fireworks weren't quite as good as last year's, or maybe he was just becoming used to their colors. But watching them here, with Fai, felt a little better than it had before.
He could not breathe.
As he stood there, his sword pointed at the dreamseer's pale neck, it felt as if taking in a single breath would cause him to collapse. He did not know why this was, especially after he had fought for so long to escape the water that he had been plunged into. He could not understand why he could no longer move, now that he had the dreamseer at his mercy.
Perhaps it was because he knew, deep down, that Kuzuki Kakyou did not truly want to kill him. For during that living dream that he had found himself trapped in, gaps and holes had sometimes appeared that allowed him to survive despite what seemed like very determined attempts to kill him. But he knew, better than anyone, that if Kakyou had truly wanted to kill him, he would be dead by now. Instead, the roles were seemingly reversed, but he would not be arrogant enough to think that he had the dreamseer at his mercy.
And if he felt detached from his own mind as he stared at the long blond hair, Kakyou seemed to be unconcerned by the situation at hand. The dreamseer had not moved in all this time, not when the water had swallowed Syaoran, not when the brunet had broken free, not when the sword came to a rest at the back of his neck. He did not even bother to turn to face Syaoran, but those gold cat-like eyes seemed to watch everything by means of the water's reflection.
"I do not want to hurt you," Syaoran said quietly. The sword shook in his hand as he tried to ignore the water dripping from his hair and down his face, a horrible parody of a night when he had stood in the rain because there was nothing left for him. "Please, I do not want to hurt you."
There was no response. The eyes did not even widen as they did before, when Syaoran had addressed him so formally. Instead, they continued to stare at him placidly, simply waiting for him to continue.
But maybe the dreamseer's calm was not ill-founded. Maybe he knew that Syaoran could not do this, no matter what was at stake. In his quest for the feathers, Syaoran had faced monsters, ghosts, armies, and memories. Yet he had never killed another, although he had certainly seen enough of it during that awful bloodshed back on a battlefield in Shurano country, and the screams of the dying still echoed in his nightmares. His private battle with Kurogane and Fai had spared him, for the most part, of having to face others, but how much longer would he be lucky? Would he ever be able to reach that wretched point where he could take another life, no matter how desperate he became? Did he even want to? And what would Sakura say, to know that people had been hurt so she could have what was rightfully hers?
He did not think he could do it. If he could not have killed when surrounded by the insanity that war always seemed to bring, he would not be able to do it now as he pointed his sword at somebody who was not attacking him, even though he knew that the dreamseer was more dangerous than he could have believed. It did not even matter that he knew Kakyou could attack him again. It would not take much for the dreamseer to beset him with falling crystals, or to make sure that he was properly drowned this time around. The fact that it had not happened stayed Syaoran's hand, beside the horrible fear of what would happen if he succumbed to the demands of murder.
"Why does it matter so much to you?"
He blinked, the words taking a moment to register. Syaoran could not be sure of what Kakyou was referring – did he mean the feather, or did he mean this inability to give up a piece of himself to take a life?
Large gold eyes closed, and the dreamseer took in a deep breath. And then those eyes met his, and they no longer looked like a cat's but instead were so sadly human that the sword slipped down to his side. For a moment, he was so lost in this vision that he could not even venture an answer, but this did not seem to matter much as the dreamseer asked, "Does it matter if she does not ever remember you?"
He flinched, drawing back as if physically stung by the words. But Kakyou continued, his words so calm and emotionless that they seemed to hurt so much more, "Would it not be all in vain, to complete your journey but to never have her look at you in the same way?"
Dreamseer, he thought almost hysterically. Dreamseer. Was this what Kakyou saw in the future for him, or was it what he was simply afraid of? Had been afraid of for so long, although he tried to keep his fears down as he tackled challenge after challenge, battle after battle, heartbreak after heartbreak.
"Is that what you see?" he asked.
"There is only one future," Kakyou replied. "If that future should be the one where you cannot be even a memory for her, would it be worth it?"
"She would live," Syaoran said after a moment, staring determinedly back into the dreamseer's eyes. He did not bother to raise his sword again, knowing that the weapon would have no use. Beside, there was no reason as the blond had found words that would twist his heart, and one could never truly defend against harsh reality.
Kakyou nodded, "Yes. She would live." He tilted his head slightly to the side. "But is it enough?"
And there was the question that had haunted him for so long. Was it enough? It certainly did not seem to be, as selfish a thought as that was. Because if you did something for another, it was usually because you wanted something back. It might have been for something as simple as the satisfaction of a warm smile, but wants and needs seemed to motivate every action. He had tried not to think about it, that simple question of whether or not it was enough for him that she would live. And when it came to Sakura's life, why would he even have to think on it?
Because selfish, foolish, and idiotic as it was, he could not help but hope that if she lived, they could still pick up on the remnants on what they had forever lost. This hope that they could make something out of nothing was all he had left now, and he clung to it because it kept him alive while battling the world and the demons inside. Although the time witch had told him that Sakura would never remember, and although he had seen this proof for himself, that part of him which made him human refused to believe that this was all there was to it.
She would live, and that meant there was still a chance. It would hurt, not to be remembered in an entire childhood, but it would have hurt so much more if she had died without him doing anything to prevent it. Because he would do anything for her, no matter how much it cost him. Wasn't that what love was all about, in the end? Accepting the other person despite apparent imperfections? If everyone was perfect, they would not need anyone else because there would be no want for anything, and that included other people. But imperfections allowed for people to get close to each other, to realize that there were some people out there that they didn't need to be perfect for. And when they could stop pretending, and simply be themselves, then they knew that someone out there could help make them truly whole.
Sakura would probably never remember him. As the journey progressed, he understood this more deeply, and it hurt so much.
Except then he would remember the look on Fai's face when the blond had realized where they were, a sudden look of crushing defeat despite the parody of a smile that had flitted across his face as they had been sat down to speak to Tomoyo-hime. Because the mage had known that he was going to be losing something precious to him, and seeing that had made him realize without a doubt that he never wanted to get to that point. Not without a fight, at least, even if it was a losing battle as conventional wisdom seemed to say with every step… but he could not help it. She meant too much for him to give her up so easily, and he knew that Sakura herself would not want it either.
He swallowed and for the first time, really seemed to look his insecurities in the eye, "That is enough for me."
Kakyou looked away, staring into the distance. Syaoran could not help but try to follow his glance, but saw nothing through the pitch black. Perhaps there was nothing there, except an excuse and a flitting dream.
"It is fine then, that she should never remember you."
It was not a question, and he did not know what to say. Or rather, he did know, but could not think of a way to do so. More than anything, he wanted to say No. No, it was not okay. It would never be okay, to know that the person he loved could no longer remember what he did. But there were things more important than his own happiness, and he was willing to make those sacrifices in order to keep the person he loved alive and safe. Because if you truly believed that this was important, if you truly believed that this was the way, then he was willing to disappear from her life so completely as long as it meant she would be happy.
None of the words came out though because then Kakyou was standing, turning to look down at him. In the thin hand stretched out to him, Sakura's feather glistened with a light of its own. He looked at the feather and then back at the dreamseer, his mouth slightly agape in question.
"I am not of the living," the blond said quietly, as if that explained his actions. All Syaoran could do was gape a little more, although he tried not to be too obvious as it was possible that Kakyou would find it insulting. "But before, there was a girl. She and her twin brother were not of this world, but had crossed over as you and your friends have."
He opened his mouth to ask the dreamseer how he knew of these things, but changed his mind before the words could come out. The time did not feel right to be asking such questions, so he instead nodded and waited for the story to continue.
His actions caused Kakyou to cock his head slightly, as if searching for some sort of insincerity or a sign that Syaoran was not interested in his story. Finding nothing of the sort, he continued, "She found her way into one of my dreams. We spoke, for a time. They were running from someone. She never explained who. But despite the danger, she still took the time to… be with me, and she tried to help me leave this place. But-" he stopped suddenly, blinking slowly as if surprised that he was going so into depth. Then he took in a deep breath, and stared into Syaoran's eyes.
"I would have liked to thank her. I have clung to this life for that purpose." Kakyou turned away, "But it seems that it is not entirely fair for me to do such a thing, living through the means of another."
Syaoran was not sure if he was supposed to say anything, and instead remained silent. Waiting for something, although he did not know what.
"If I give this to you, would you give her my thanks?"
The sudden request was making his head hurt, and he almost wanted to shake his head to dispel the fuzziness that was starting to take over his vision. He squinted slightly, trying to put the dreamworld back into focus, trying to place the dreamseer into some sort of reality. Too much was happening, and for a moment he could only stare at Kakyou's profile before simply blurting out, "But what if I don't see her?"
"You will. It is inevitable that you will meet. You have something in common, after all." (1)
He did not really understand, but he doubted that Kakyou was going to explain. He chose to take those words as fact, and breathed deeply before saying, "I will tell her."
"I would have liked to tell her myself," Kakyou asserted quietly, but said no more of the matter. Cold, pale hands took Syaoran's left hand and without ceremony, dropped the feather into it. As soon as Sakura's memory left those thin fingers, the entire world began to fade, although the dreamseer's words rang clearly still. "I think she would have liked it, if I had told her. But it is too late for that."
Although Kakyou's fingers were still clearly wrapped around his wrist, he could no longer feel the grip as the blond began to disappear along with the dream he had created. Syaoran was finding it difficult to say anything, although he knew that he should, at the very least, thank the man. But he did not know how to say it, or even really understand what Kakyou was doing. It seemed absurd, in a way, to give up one's life for a promise. But he understood that it was something important to the other man, and he could only nod numbly at the words.
Just when he thought it was over, and he could start to faintly see the room he had stepped into but had never really seen, Kakyou said, "She…"
Then he hesitated, and Syaoran thought that perhaps he would say nothing else.
"She cannot be happy if she does not remember you."
And the darkness disappeared and Syaoran found himself alone in a room that would have been completely empty if not for the single person lying on the ground. Thin and pale, with long light gold hair, Kuzuki Kakyou did not look very different from the image he projected in his dreams. But he did not have long to contemplate on that, as before his very eyes, the dreamseer faded from this world as well.
Syaoran was not sure how long he had stood there, staring at the spot where a body had once lain. It should not have been so difficult to walk out, but he found that really, he simply could not.
It… it was not as if it was the first time something like this had happened. He had witnessed Yasha's death, after all, but at the time it was the subsequent loss of Ashura-ou that had really affected him. Even now, it was rare that he even thought of the other king, often forgetting that Ashura-ou's death had been precipitated by another although he really should have remembered. But perhaps this was why it was more different, standing here and thinking that only moments ago, there had been another person there. Somebody he had fought against, yes, but he had also spoken to the dreamseer and been offered a glimpse into the blond's life. And it did not matter that Kuzuki Kakyou had not really been… alive anymore because to Syaoran, he had been in the ways that truly mattered. The power of Sakura's feathers had offered the dreamseer a few more moments, moments he had tried to use in order to do something that was important to him. But he had chosen to give that up, allocating the all-important task to Syaoran because life was more important than a false one, although understanding that had not made it any easier.
For either of them.
And how many more would there be? Syaoran was not sure if he wanted to think about that. First Yasha, now Kakyou. How many more? It didn't matter that they would have died even if he had not intervened, for without the feathers they would never have lived again. And he would never have had to take that life away from them, and he would never have met Ashura-ou, and he would never have seen the ruler die, or that look of anguish as the realization struck that Yasha really was gone...
But because he never wanted to feel that way either, he persisted in this journey. Even at the expense of others, he would do things for his princess that he might never have contemplated doing for himself, and sometimes he wondered if that was really quite fair. For him or those who lost their lives, or even for Sakura….
"Syaoran-kun!"
His head jerked up at the sound of footsteps, eyes looking away from the place where Kakyou had been and darting towards the door instead. And he remembered that past the regrets, there was the person he chose to make the sacrifices for. Now she was waiting for him, searching for him, and he found that he could not keep her waiting. The grief… it would never wait for him to come back, and he could not hide nor master it. Instead, he made it a part of him, another memory that he would carry on because it was not fair if Kakyou should end here, alone and forgotten by all except those who had stumbled into his dreams. It was not the same, but it was all he could do for the blond, and it gave him something to hold on so that Kakyou would not be gone for good.
He took a step forward, but paused. Turning again, he took a moment to bow his head slightly and said quietly, "Thank you, Kuzuki-san." A pause, and then he added, almost desperately, "I will be sure to pass on your message."
In any other person, there would have been a dangling 'if'. If he found the twins. If. But there was none of that, in Syaoran's voice. Because it didn't matter if it did not happen on this journey – if it did not, he would continue until he had found the sister and passed on the message. Because Kakyou had given him the means to continue his own, and it would not be fair to never complete the dreamseer's.
Swallowing, he finally straightened and called out, "I'm coming, hi-." But suddenly the title twisted in his mouth, and he could not continue. He could hear that the footsteps had stopped before suddenly changing direction and coming closer, drawn by the sound of his voice. But try as he might, the last word would not come out because inside, he wanted to give into his emotions and say what he should have.
"Sakura," he whispered, not loud enough so that she could hear it, but it was enough for now. Enough that he could say it, although he could not say it to her still. If ever.
He opened the door, and found himself staring into her worried green eyes. She looked exhausted, as if she had been running for hours, with Mokona cradled in her arms. The magical creature's eyes were half-lidded, and he looked to be in no position to say anything. It did not matter though because Sakura's torrent of words would have drowned out any inanities Mokona had to say anyway.
"Syaoran-kun!" she looked torn between keeping her hold on Mokona or simply dropping him in order to reach for the brunet. "Thank goodness you're okay! When Mokona came back to the palace alone, I had to come looking for you! The guards didn't want to let me out it sounded like you were in trouble and I couldn't just leave you because-"
Her words were cut off as the feather tugged insistently at his hand, causing them both to look down at it. He flushed, quickly muttering an apology as he stepped back, releasing the feather so that it could make its way to the rightful owner. But before it could draw itself into the princess, she raised a hand to stop it.
"Not yet," she said quietly.
Syaoran gaped, and he could distantly hear himself stammer, "But… hime… it would not be wise to let it stray. After the incident in Piffle, you should not."
There was a silence, and he watched as she turned away, unable to face him. It took a moment for her to speak, but he gave her that time because he knew that it would not be right to take this away from her.
"Tomoyo-chan said that tonight, there's a festival. And…" She paused and looked at him, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. "And I wanted to make a memory of this."
She grasped the feather, as if to make sure that it would not suddenly jump into her of its own will, and thwart hers in the process. Or perhaps it was to give her something else to focus on, as she searched for the right way to say what she wanted him to hear.
"I want to make a memory of this moment with you."
Syaoran remembered, later, that this was about the time the fireworks had gone off. He could not remember the precise moment because they had stood there for a while, watching each other as both of them tried to find something to say but could not, and instead relied on the other to break the silence. But then there were flowers blossoming in the sky, and after coaxing Mokona to take care of the feather for them, they had found themselves a place to sit so that they could watch them more comfortably.
He also remembered watching the fireworks reflected in Sakura's eyes, and thinking of how this was truly a memory that she would be able to enjoy later. And he had closed his eyes and smiled, letting himself enjoy this moment of peace.
It took him a while to realize that he had not told Fai his decision, and by the time he did it was already too late. Because Fai was sprawled on top of him, clearly asleep or at least doing a very good job of pretending at it. And it wasn't quite fair for him to think that Fai would feign something as simple as sleep, but just because he had made some changes in his mentality did not mean he could just trust the mage so quickly. That would take time, and much as Kurogane would like for it to happen sooner than later, he was not about to hold his breath. There were a few things he knew, after all, and one of those was himself.
Still, suddenly remembering that he didn't tell Fai the one thing he probably should have – although really, there were so many things he should have said – made him want to laugh. It was rare that he overlooked major details such as this, but there had been something about the calmness as they had watched the fireworks that had stilled his tongue. And even when Fai had simply climbed on top of him, mumbling something about sleep, he could not draw his eyes away from the sky long enough except to say 'good night'. But after Fai's breaths had evened out he found himself resting one hand on Fai's shoulder. He had not looked down since until he came to his revelation, and even the slight jerk of surprise that he had given did not wake the mage up.
It had seemed so long since Fai had gotten proper sleep, although this might have been because the day had seemed much longer than it really was. And he had no doubt that Fai, being an idiot, had probably let Kurogane's injury keep himself from sleeping during the day that he had been unconscious – after being dropped on the head by that idiot manju bun. Not to mention the way the blond had tossed and turned the night before, and so it was no wonder that Fai was due some rest. He therefore felt justified in not moving as well.
Or maybe he was just feeling as lazy as Fai was, and wanted to go to sleep as well.
That explanation didn't sound quite as impressive, so he simply harrumphed instead. Beside, the logical side of his brain said that they should not be sleeping outside anyway, as it was night and they would get cold. It would not be that difficult to get inside, as inside was only ten feet away or so. Plus, people would talk. Not to his face, of course, but the sly little smile on Tomoyo's face would have been enough. He could already feel a vein throbbing at the thought of her expression the next morning, and made himself promise that once he felt like moving, he would carry Fai to his room.
And for a moment, he could only wonder which 'his' he was referring to.
He snorted. "Idiot," he muttered grumpily, although again, he was not sure who he was speaking of. But then he glared at Fai, and one could have assumed that he meant the blond but things were never what they seemed to be, were they? "And I had something important to say to you too."
Fai snored. Kurogane was sure he was being mocked, even if it seemed like the mage was sound asleep. But it was a certain charm that Fai had, and he gritted his teeth at the thought of being teased unconsciously.
Still, although it seemed fairly obvious to the rest of the world that Fai really was sleeping, he decided to make sure of this fact before he embarrassed himself any further. Ignoring the slight blush on his face, he leaned down to whisper roughly in Fai's ear, "If you wake up now, we can have sex on the roof."
He could just imagine Souma's expression if she heard him, let alone if they actually did it. She would probably be torn between anger and amusement, mostly because she was proper but still a voyeur of some sort. He could not learn this for sure – yet – because the only response Fai gave was another snore. A soft one, granted, but he didn't really seem like the type of person who would do such… normal things.
It was surprising how difficult it was for Kurogane to slow down enough to see Fai as an actual person. It just wasn't easy to see the individual who was hidden beneath all those layers, and perhaps that was why he tried so hard to get past the things that he knew should not have been there. He could have been gentler about it, granted, but he was never really that type of person. And pretending to be so would not be fair to Fai, who at least should have the right to know exactly what he was getting himself into before committing himself any further. Like by telling Kurogane things that nobody else needed to know, that nobody else seemed to want to know at times. Because the happy face was enough for some people, and while he wasn't about to begrudge the brat and the princess for not noticing as much as they should – or at least saying something about it – sometimes he wondered if he was the only person who tried to look beyond the few scraps of his personal life that Fai was willing to throw to him. Perhaps it was because he was the only one who just got so angry with Fai's fake smile that he couldn't leave it alone even if he wanted to. The others took the warning that Fai gave, the look that clearly asked for them to leave him alone because he didn't want to talk about it. Unfortunately, Kurogane was never very good at accepting subtleties, and so he just barged right in anyway.
And Fai had let him. Knowing this did not make him feel happy because he knew that there was still a great deal more for them to do before he could know Fai as well as he should have in such an intimate relationship, but it gave him hope that they would reach that point eventually. It was important to know that change could be accomplished, and it gave him a chance to redeem himself slightly. If he even needed to do such a thing, and it was quite possible that he didn't.
A part of him wondered how it was that Fai could sleep so easily, especially considering how he had not told him what he knew both of them wanted him to say. He would have thought that Fai would have acted as if this was good-bye, and it would not be exactly bright to draw them closer together if there would be nothing left afterwards. But then again, perhaps Fai would put himself through that because it might have been better to have something even when there was going to be nothing left, and Fai was starting to get used to disappointment so a little more would not have hurt. (2)
Which perhaps was why he could not leave the blond behind, and if Fai would not stay behind with him then he would go on instead. Because he could not leave the mage when they were finally starting to come to an understanding, when Fai was finally starting to smile like an actual human being instead of a wind up toy that pranced when you poked it but stopped completely when you looked away. It wasn't fair, it wasn't right, and he was not going to give up everything he had fought for. Not for Tomoyo-hime, not for his home, not for anything when this mattered so much to him. To both of them. Because while Fai would never be able to replace all the things that mattered to him, the mage had instead created a niche for himself, one that Kurogane found he could no longer really live without. It wasn't as much a matter of need than it was an of obligation, and as strange as that sounded he found that it made sense, in a strange way.
Although he knew that if he tried to think about it anymore, it would definitely start to get a little more confusing.
"You know," he said to Fai, or maybe he said it to the night sky because Fai was not awake to hear him. "You know, I had hoped that… when I realized we were here, I had hoped I could show you this place." This place, not space, because all the worlds they had gone to were merely stops on a journey. Some they grew more fond of than others, but in the end, there was nothing really there that attached them to the world. Nothing that really made any of those spaces theirs because they had places of their own. But Fai was running away from that. He had given up his place in order to have all those worlds instead, but did not seem to understand that they would never be his if he could never slow down long enough to let them.
And so he had hoped that perhaps they could have been here, and let this world become important to both of them. For Kurogane, who lived here, grew up here, and went through both joy and heart-wrenching sorrow that he could never forget. For Fai, who needed this more than he did, even though he knew that more than anything, he needed a world where he could just be him instead of a foreigner who would disappear as soon as his task was complete. Fai could not keep running, and Kurogane would not let him.
He smiled, and perhaps he really was speaking to Nihon because he was leaving this world, not Fai. And although he had every intention of coming back, it was always hard to say good-bye.
"We just didn't have enough time." He shrugged, slightly. Not enough to disturb Fai from his sleep, of course, but enough to let him know that it wasn't really important. "But next time, we will. When you're ready."
Because next time, it would not just be for a few days. Because next time, it would not be the beginning. Because next time, it would be their ending point, the place where they could settle down and be accepted for who they were, even if they had trouble accepting it themselves sometimes. He would see this journey to the end, not just for Fai but for the brat and Sakura and even Mokona as well because somewhere along the line, they had all become important to him. It just happened to be that Fai was the one who was more important than his home, and this was a difficult concept for him to admit because he had spent so long dreaming of this moment. Giving it up was not easy, even if he was not truly giving up.
He did not know if it would be worth it, or if there was a value that could even be attached. It was quite likely that there wasn't, that these two things were so radically different that they could not be compared. But he expected, one day, that he would bring the two of them together so that he would not open his eyes in the morning and see his room, and wonder why Fai was out of place when the mage meant so much to him.
Kurogane grinned, and looked up at the sky. And said, to nobody, to everybody, to Fai, and most importantly to himself because he was the only person who could hear it, "I can't believe I fell in love with an idiot."
Fai simply snored.
Commentary:
(1) I only glazed over this, mainly because I didn't want to have too much focus on this. But if you know the entire Kakyou backstory, you should understand what this is about. If you don't, let me explain, although I warn of spoilers for Tokyo Babylon. The thing they have in common is, in short, Seishirou. Seishirou is introduced in… volume 7, I believe, and he is apparently searching for two people. I've been assuming for the most part that those two people are Hokuto and Subaru, as the three were friends (or in the case of Seishiro and Subaru, something much more than that) in Tokyo Babylon. In X, Hokuto became friends with Kakyou, and learned that he had never been outside before. She tried to help him, but died before she could do so.
(2) This scene originally referred to what would have happened if they'd had sex. During the rewrite that part got cut out, but I rather liked the feeling it conveyed so I edited it so that it would refer to their relationship in general. But originally, mm. Sex. Something that hasn't happened in this entire fic, incidentally enough. How sad.
Kakyou is, yay, dead. You would think I'd be less pleased about this seeing that he's my favorite character in X, but he's terribly irritating. Anyhow, the way his body simply disappeared after his death is something I took from the Final Fantasy games. Most significantly, it is something I took from FFX, where the human bodies eventually disappear into the pyreflies. I took this idea because I didn't want a dead body hanging around, especially since Syaoran probably would have felt obligated to drag it out to bury. (sigh) And that might have been a little… awkward when Sakura showed up.
Sorry this chapter took me a while. I'm not going to make any excuses. The next chapter will be the last, and then eventually I will start to get to work on the prequel (or sequel, if circumstances change). I don't see the final chapter taking me too long to write, but that's what I thought about this chapter so I'm not holding my breath.
In other news, I somehow managed to convince Sahara in the previous chapters that Kurogane was going to remain in Nihon. :3 Makes me wonder how many other people I convinced of that, although honestly that was never my intention! I could never break… okay, maybe I could, but… um. Yeah. Ignore me. :D
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