Chapter 1

Kelly

You don't kiss me or hug me or tell me that it's all going to be okay and that's…well it's not like I was expecting you too…or something.

We get there too early and I don't, I don't know what I was expecting…on TV there's always protesters…for both sides, on two sides, and one side is screaming and yelling and holding up signs of mutilated baby corpses…and someone from that side always runs up to the soon-to-be-not-a-Mother-to-be and pleads with her "Please Miss it's not too late you don't have to do this!" while she's doing this I don't know…this march or whatever…to the door of the clinic.

And on the other side there's the people screaming things like "It's her body!" or "It's her choice!" or both.

And someone else will scream out "Murderer! Whore!" and the crowd will be so full of people desperate to get the girl's attention, so many angry, pleading, voices all screaming at once that eventually the voices all blur together and you can't tell the pleading from the angry and the voices are so loud and violent and just so completely utterly harsh that the screams of "Whore!" and "Murderer!" "Choice!" "Body!" all just melt together, just blur together and you can't tell the difference between who hates you and who doesn't who's on your side and who's not and just trying to tell the difference is so confusing and so suffocating that the girl just ends up with a headache…

That's how it's always like on TV or in books…

I don't know maybe you and I just got there on a slow day or something. Because no one's there it's all quiet, there's no one there but you and me.

Just me and you… not holding my hand.

And I guess it was for the best right? I mean what would I have done if some screaming voice had told me that "It's not too late?"

If someone's pleading eyes had said "You have the right to choose?"

What would I have done I mean…I fold like a lawn chair under pressure.

We go inside and you say we're early. Like twenty minutes early.

And a receptionist sits behind glass turning a People and looking bored.

And some girl who's sitting two seats away from us is sitting next to an older guy who I guess (I mean I hope to God) is her Father and she looks so pale and he's working hard not to look at her I can tell. Sitting on the other side of the girl is a woman about forty she's reading a book and also not looking at the girl.

There's a pretty silver bracelet on her wrist.

His suit looks really expensive especially compared to the girl's faded jeans.
Someone walks out (The Doctor?) and says "Olivia Taylor?" and the girl stands up walks two feet and bursts into tears.

And the woman looks up from her book and opens her mouth like she's going to say something but the man holds up his hand, stopping her and says "She did this to herself Claire."

And Claire closes her mouth and pauses as if she's considering this and then her eyes leave Olivia's and goes back to reading her book.

And all I hear is loud sniffling as Olivia is lead away.

"It's not too late you have a choice!"

I look at the cover of Claire's book.

Mrs. Dalloway it says.

And while I'm staring I feel your hand shift, you reach over and touch my wrist as if to comfort me and I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, it's just for a second and then it's gone.

And now we're only fifteen minutes early.

Ryan

And if I could just…not…be here right now…that would be great…if I could just close my eyes and…if I could just leave…

What made me think I could do this?

A little girl cries and her parent's look angry for the inconvenience.

I touch your wrist and you flinch.

So I pull my hand away and you look at the clock.

We have fifteen minutes.

That's not really very long, right?

"Ryan?"

I pretend I don't hear you.

"Ryan?"

The truth is I'm afraid of what you'll say.

"Ryan."

"Yes?"

"I need some air. I'm going out."

"What?"

"I'm going out just for a second."

"But…"

"Just for a second…I'll be back. Okay?"

I look at the clock. The girl's Mother turns a page in her book. The girl's Father coughs.

"Okay." I say.
And you stand up and walk out the door.
The receptionist looks up, looks at you walking out, looks at me.
"She'll…she'll be back." I say.
And the receptionist just shrugs and goes back to her magazine.
And suddenly I miss Pam.

Kelly
So I'm standing outside and it's way too early and I'm cold.
And I don't know what I'm doing I guess I'm just sort of pacing and a car drives by and…I don't know what I'm doing…I have no freaking clue what I'm doing anymore.
And I think about where I am.
And I think about it.
And I think about six months from now where will I be…
Fat and Sick?
Or just…not?
I wrap my arms around myself to get warmer.
And I pace.
It's early.
It's just so early.
And this place..and this town…and this world…it's just so bleak.
And I close my eyes because everything is swirling and I know you'll come looking for me soon.
And all that's inside me is just this..this…I can't even…I can't even um really describe it..to anyone least of all you…I can't tell you what I was feeling in that instant.

My mind was all shaky and swirling and all these weird random thoughts kept drifting into my head like maybe I don't have to do this…maybe somehow my parent's would understand...
Maybe I could be somebody's Mother…

And I don't know when I start walking. Because my eyes at this point are still closed. I don't know when I start walking…all I know is that eventually…
I do.

Ryan
I understand you know…you may not believe me but I do…I understand.
Kelly.
I do.
"Kelly Kapour?"
I'm all alone. The girl and her parent's are gone.
And you're nowhere to be found.
"Kelly Kapour?"
The receptionist looks up from her magazine, looks at me, smirks.
I've never hated anyone so much in my entire life.
"She went out…" I tell the Doctor "for some air."
The Doctor looks a me and asks "Are you sure? Sometimes they change their mind."
"She didn't," I say "I'll just…I'll just go get her."
And I walk outside.
And you're not there.
Like there was ever a possibility that you would be.