Chapter 2
"Kelly!"
Just keep walking. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. Just keep walking. If you don't turn around maybe he'll just…maybe he'll just go away?
"Kelly!"
Ryan please, please, just go away.
"Kelly," I walk faster but you start running and you grab my arm and spin me around and I get this really weird feeling of déjà vu but I don't…I don't know why.
"Where are you going Kelly?"
"I don't…know." I say.
Maybe I just wanted you to lie to
me. I think that's what it was. Maybe I just wanted some way to
keep that feeling…that dizzy, sparkly, wonderful feeling, that
almost drunk sort of happy feeling that I had on February 13th.
The
first time, the first time you know…kissed me.
Maybe there's apart of me that still wants you too. I mean I think, I think that's what I want you to do. I mean I've been lying to myself since the beginning right? Haven't I?
I've been lying to myself about you…that you really did want me…the way that I um…the way that I wanted you…
That way that I still kind of, sort of, do…want you…to hold my hand.
"You left." You say.
"Yeah," I say "I guess um…I guess I did. I guess I did because you know I..I um…I couldn't."
You look at me then. And you, you look for a very long time, like you're…like you're I don't know…like you're taking me in? Just…like you're taking the whole situation, everything, you're just taking it all in.
And then you take a deep breath…and then calmly, rationally you start to speak.
"Kelly," you say "I know that you're…I know that you're probably…really, really confused right now and…"
"Confused," I say "I'm um…confused?"
And you look at me, and for second it's like you're, you're actually pleading with me, to agree. To understand.
To understand you.
And it's like for the first time ever we're…I don't know…the same?
"Ryan," I say "Ryan," I tell you.
"I can't."
You look at me, and you close you eyes, like you're in pain and I want it back I want that moment back that moment where we were on the same wavelength finally, where we were the same.
I need that moment back, so that I can tell you, what I have to tell you.
"Ryan," I say "open your eyes look at me, please."
And you ball your hands into fists and slowly you release them, you open your eyes…and you look at me.
"I can't do it Ryan. I just…it's not like…it's not like it's a religious thing or a moral thing or a whatever thing I just…I just…"
"I lied to myself for two weeks saying that it was just the flu, that I was just a little late…when I'm, when I'm never late."
You stare at me.
"But I think I kind of think I that I knew from the beginning….I think I really think I kind of sort of knew from the…from the moment you know? From that second…."
The day the condom broke…oh god Ryan!
Ryan.
"And I tried to pretend, I kept trying to pretend because I was so…because I'm still so…so totally, completely, scared. I kept pretending until I couldn't anymore I…"
I can't I can't do this I can't do this I don't know what made me think I could I can't do this and still look at myself in the mirror after it's done I can't do this and still be me I can't do this and just…just go back to work tomorrow I can't do this and not I can't do this and breath I can't do this and, and, and, and, and, and… live.
I can't do this Ryan.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
I can't do this.
Don't make me do this please.
Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Pleeeeease.
"I'm sorry." I say "I'm so sorry….I made you believe that I could…because I can't because I…Ryan I won't. I just…I just won't."
You just standing there. You're just standing there looking at me. You're just standing there and you're…not…talking.
"It could…it could work Ryan. I mean…I could talk to my parent's and I could make them understand I know and…and I could make them listen and…we don't, we don't have to get married. I mean I know you I know you don't want to get married and yeah that's not what I wanted but you know life's about compromises right? Well…well will just…I mean this kind of thing happens all the time and people they, they make it work right and I think I could and I think you could I mean I know I could if you were if you were there…I just… I just I can do this but not alone I mean I know as long ad you're there I'll be okay if you…and yeah labor that'll be that'll be scary but if you're there and you, you hold my hand we could it would it would work Ryan we could we could be parent's I mean… and I just I just need you to be there because I could do it but only if you're there I could do this but only if you say that you'll be there and if you don't then it really is it's like I don't have a choice and just…I need you to be there. Please say you'll be there…I don't…I don't need anything else. I know it's a lot what I'm asking but I promise I'll never I'll never, ever ask you for anything else if you just…say you'll be there."
The words had spilled out of my mouth so fast I wasn't even totally sure what I had been saying, if I had been making any sense, but after wards I knew, I just knew I'd said everything I'd had to say, everything I could ever say about it…to you.
So I said it and then I waited while you took it all in and you stared at me.
I walked over to you. I walked closer to you. And I waited.
And then a second passed and then another where all we did was stand there, not saying anything.
And then you reached
over and you…you tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
I guess
it must have fallen into my face while I was…while I was talking,
or crying, or both.
"Ryan?" I say.
And then you look at me like you're…like you're I don't know apologizing even though we both know that whatever you're about to say, no matter how you say it, we both know that you can never, ever apologize enough.
"This wasn't," you tell me so softly and so sad "this wasn't supposed to be…that."
And you touch my cheek and I don't move.
Neither of us move. For a very long time.
