Sleep finally comes, and I welcome it. I don't remember drifting off; I only know that it was more of surrender than an actual conscience decision. I have no idea what time I finally succumbed to my body's need for sleep, but I estimate it must have been well after mid-night, well after my encounter with Padmé.
Padmé….her face fills my mind as I fight for sleep. The scent of her loose flowing hair surrounds me…I cannot escape her. She loves me…the words still echo in my mind, over and over, like a sacred mantra…she loves me! The revelation of this should have me giddy and grinning like an idiotic schoolboy, a padawan still wet behind the ears and naïve of the ways of the galaxy. But with this blessed revelation came the painful knowledge that she is too afraid of being hurt again to allow herself to give in to the love she feels. I suppose that's what happens when trust is destroyed. The fact that she loves me is rather amazing, considering all that has happened between us. Rationally I cannot really be surprised that she is afraid; it was she who tried to keep us from falling in love, tried to douse the undeniable passion that grew between us when we were alone on Naboo. She knew that it was a mistake; somehow she knew that we would end up estranged and hurting. But so did I. and I didn't care. No, I didn't care; the love I felt for her superseded everything. It still does. I am willing to wait if that is what she needs, I can be patient now. I will do what I must to win her trust, to show her that I am worthy to be loved again, that she need not be afraid of me any longer, that the darkness that once consumed me has been extinguished. Forever. Soon she will see that, soon she will know….
"You have betrayed me, Lord Vader," hisses Sidious as he rises from his throne to approach me.
"I am Anakin Skywalker," I reply, not daunted by my former master's accusations. "I have forsaken the Dark Side, and you. You are no longer my master, for I know what you are. You won't control me any longer."
Sidious smiles, revealing his mouthful of rotted teeth. "Bold words, my apprentice, bold words; but you and I both know that you will never be turned from the Dark Side."
"That's where you're wrong," I tell him. I take off my mask, to reveal the face he had never thought to see again, the face of his greatest threat.
"Skywalker!" he gasps, surprised to see a healed, whole man under the mask rather than the mangled mess he had seen locked into a black mask of horror so many years ago.
"Yes, Skywalker," I tell him, advancing on him as he stumbles back. "I am no longer your slave, Sidious; I am a Jedi once again. You have no power over me."
"Is that so?" he sneers maniacally. "We shall see about that." He lifts his hands and blue bolts of energy shoot from his fingertips. I deflect the lightning with my lightsaber, which has managed to find itself to my hands.
"You will be destroyed, just as your wife was destroyed, just as your children have been."
"You're wrong!" I retort, struggling against the powerful onslaught. "You lied about her! She didn't die! She lived and so did my children! You lied you miserable bastard!"
Fury flashes in his dead yellow eyes and the intensity of his attack increases. "An oversight that shall be remedied soon enough," he tells me with a sinister smile. "I know where she is, Skywalker…I know she is alone...you left her there unprotected, and now she is going to pay for your treachery."
Cold fear fills me, closing in on my heart, causing me to falter for a moment. "NO!" I scream, lunging toward him. "You will not harm her!"
Sidious laughs. "Too late, Skywalker…she is already dead. Don't worry; I made sure she knew that you had betrayed her to me before she died."
The anger fills me, explodes out of me as I lunge at him.
He resumes his attack on me, holding me back with deadly bolts of energy. Laughing, he pushes me back. "I can feel your anger!" he taunts. "You will never escape the dark side! It owns you, as I do…Lord Vader!"
"NO!" I scream.
"Wake up, Anakin. Wake up!"
My eyes snap open, my heart pounding in my chest. I am discombobulated for an instant, and look around frantically, trying to get my bearings.
"Anakin, you were shouting so loud I could hear you in the hallway outside."
My eyes finally find her face, looming over me as she stands beside my bed.
"Padmé?" I stammer.
She nods, taking a step back. "Yes, Anakin. You were having a nightmare."
I sit up slowly as I try to slow my racing heart. "Yes…yes I was…" I look back at her as the images from my nightmare finally start to fade. "It…it was terrible, Padmé…Palpatine was alive, and he…he…"
"Palpatine is dead, Ani," she tells me calmly. "You killed him yourself. It was just a dream."
I nod. "Yes, I know…it's just that…it was so…so real..."
She shakes her head sympathetically. "You've always been plagued with bad dreams, Ani," she observes. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
I look up at her, not wanting to let her know what I had dreamed. How do I tell her that I envisioned that the Dark Side was still lingering within me? That is the very thing she is afraid of.
"No," I tell her, swinging my legs over the side of the bed. "I'd rather not. I'd just like to forget about it."
She nods in understanding. "Hungry? Luke and Leia are already downstairs."
"They are? What time is it?" I ask.
"It's pretty late, Ani," she replies. "I guess we both had a rough night."
I stand up, looking down at her. "Yes, no doubt," I reply. "I'm sorry Padmé," I tell her. How many times have I said that in the past 3 days? "I didn't mean to upset you."
"Don't," she says, putting her hand up to silence me. "I know you didn't, Ani. I'm just …oversensitive I suppose. It's been a lot to process, and I suppose I'm still reeling under it all."
I nod. "Of course," I tell her. "I think I know what that feels like."
"I'm sure you do," she replies. "I still don't understand why, Anakin. Why did Yoda lie to me the way he did? What did he hope to accomplish by deceiving me in such a cruel manner?"
I can feel her anger, her indignation. She has every right to be angry, and I wish I could give her the answers she needs.
"I don't know, Padmé," I tell her. "I think perhaps he acted out of fear, out of desperation to protect both you and them. It was a terrible time, remember. I suppose he felt that he had no choice."
Padmé frowns. "No and neither did I," she replies bitterly. "No choice, no say in what happened to my children."
"I don't understand how he could have convinced you, Padmé," I say tentatively. "Were you separated from them when they were born? Were there complications?"
"Yes, there were," she replies. "I was very weak after Leia was born, so weak that I lost consciousness for a while. The exhaustion, the loss of blood…the emotional anguish…it was all too much for me. I don't know how long I was asleep, and I suspect that the medi-droids gave me a sedative to help me relax. When I woke up, I was alone. The droids wouldn't tell me anything, just kept telling me to ask the Master Jedi. I assumed they meant Obi-Wan, since he was with me when the twins were born."
"Yes, I know," I tell her, envying Obi-Wan fiercely.
"How did you know?" she asks.
"He visited me," I tell her.
"He did? How is that possible?" she asks.
"It is only possible for those strong with the Force," I explain to her. "He has learned how to appear to those of us strong enough to see him in his state of oneness with the Force. I've also had visits from Qui-Gon."
"And how were things when you saw Obi-Wan?" she asks.
"The first time we saw one another went very badly," I admit. "I was still convalescing, and I'm afraid I was pretty harsh with him. But we have since reconciled, I'm happy to say."
"I'm glad," she replies with a smile. "You and he were so close. I know how broken hearted he was when…well, I'm just glad you two have managed to put all that behind you." She stops for a moment, as she realizes what she has just said. Can you do the same, Padmé? I ask her silently. She looks at me, startled by my unspoken question, and quickly changes the subject
"Anyway, when Yoda finally returned to me, I was frantic, no one having told me about where my babies were, or why I couldn't see them. He told me that they were gone, that they were too weak to survive since they were a month early, and that they had died when I was asleep."
I frown, her pain from that horrible moment still echoing in her mind. "I'm so sorry," I tell her softly. "I know that must have been agonizing." I know for I too was lied to in that same manner.
She nods, her emotions too close to the surface for words momentarily. "It was," she says softly. "I wanted to die too, Ani. I had nothing to live for, you were gone, and they were gone…sometimes I wonder how I did manage to live all these years."
"Perhaps, on some level, you knew that they were alive," I suggest. "Perhaps there was a part of your mind that knew it was all a lie, and wouldn't let you give up living."
"Perhaps," she replies. "Still, it was an incredible shock to see them walk through the door, not to mention you."
I smile. "Yes, I'm sure it must have been. I know I was shocked when I found out that you were still alive. Shocked but elated. I had spent years wishing that some day I would find you, but I never held out any hope that I would."
She looks away, and suddenly a palpable awkwardness materializes between us. Don't push her, Skywalker, don't push her!
"Well," I say, stepping away. "I guess I should get cleaned up. Save some breakfast for me, will you?" I ask as I head for the 'fresher.
"Of course," she replies, watching me go.
I enter the 'fresher and lean against the door. I can sense her confusion, her struggle to sort through the muddle of emotions that she is feeling. Her resolve is not quite as solid as she would have me believe, I realize with a smile. Finally I sense her leaving the room, and disrobe for my shower.
