Ch2
Zaphod Beeblebrox sat down in the bridge of the Heart of Gold. He looked listlessly around at the boring new interior design. It was very functional and organized, but lacked the swank finesse of the old design. Gone were the gaudy colors and plants, replaced by smooth metal and plastic consoles and compartments. It looked more like a cockpit than a bachelor pad, and Zaphod sorely missed the sheer fun of adventuring in a flying ultra-powerful pimpmobile. He even missed the overly cheery computers and doors with their chipper, high voices. Now, it was just one uniform, monotone female voice for every machine on the ship. He stood up and walked to the door. "Door opening" it said as he pressed the button next to it. He glowered and passed through. "Door closing" it said. Boring as hell. The ship seemed to have no sense of humor at all.
He recalled supper a few days ago, when he had tried to flirt with the disembodied female voice. "Sir, your dinner is ready." it said joylessly. "Thank you, doll, I believe I owe you a dinner or two in return." he suavely replied. The computer processed this for a minute, and then spat a shrill beep, and intoned, "Command does not compute." Zaphod slowly shook his heads, and tried to explain. "No, baby, it's not a command, it's an invitation. Do you want to eat dinner with me sometime? I'll treat you real nice." After a moment's hesitation, the voice responded, "Sir, that's my job. It's unprofessional for me to accept your invitation." Zaphod winked. "Call me Zaphod, honey. Can you be unprofessional for me?" The computer thought this over for a second or two, and then spoke, "Sir Zaphod, I really don't think-" "Just Zaphod" he interrupted. The computer began again. "Sir Just Zaphod, I really don't think that's an appropriate question." Zaphod rolled his eyes. "Jeez, I'm just trying to have a little fun." Shrill beep. "Command does not compute."
Now, he just flew around the galaxy, unable to stop anywhere because the government was after him, drinking and suffering for lack of fun companionship. He began to plod around the ship. He asked the ship to play some music. Shrill beep. "Command does not-" "Compute, I know!" shouted the unhappy Beeblebrox. Another shrill beep. "That wasn't a command, damn it!" he cried out as he pounded his three fists on the wall. The computer monotoned over him. "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!" it said. Zaphod was relieved, at least now he'd have some company.
He ordered the computer to prepare Champaign. "Unable to comply during alert phase." And began sounding off blaring klaxons. "Get out of alert phase and get them some Zarquon-damned Champaign!" A keypad and microphone folded out of the wall. "Initiating voice recognition security protocol" Zaphod clenched his fists. "Oh for the love of-" "Voice check complete" the computer interrupted, "please enter emergency override code." A hologram of a ticking clock appeared above the keypad. "You have fifteen seconds." it said with an almost sneering tone. Zaphod was absolutely flustered. He nervously scratched the backs of his heads, causing two small flurries of dandruff to drift down to the floor. He hadn't the foggiest notion of what the override code was, and he had grown sick of the shipboard AI's snotty professionalistic crap. Angrily, he entered s-c-r-e-w y-o-u, and pressed the 'submit' key. The computer beeped rapidly as it processed. "Emergency override code confirmed. Canceling the alert phase." the computer said, with a barely perceptible hint of agitation in its voice. Zaphod couldn't believe it. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, the Heart of Gold's security robots promptly lowered their assault lasers and offered Arthur, Ford, and company some Champaign.
