September 23, 2001
Dear Diary,
The air outside is becoming somewhat cooler.It seems less stuffed and the breeze is beautiful. I heard my grandmother talk of snow once. She said it was white, crisp and cold. It sounds so foreign to me… maybe it's because the only places it is cold enough to snow is at the tip tops of the very highest mountains… it almost sounds beautiful. I wonder if he has seen it, wherever he is. Grandmother says it comes in most places for long periods of time. She called it, "winter". I told her I wanted to see it and I'm going to find some one day. She and mom laughed at me. They think I am not serious. They don't understand me nowadays. I want out of here. I want more adventure… I crave it. I need to be by his side, helping him.
It has now been a day past a month since I began to write this diary. It is strange how this is only my fifth entry… but things here do not spark my interests anymore. I need a place to control my thoughts… and they seem to only get clouded about once every week or so. The things I view as boring and mundane are the things everyone here runs around screaming like chickens with their heads cut off. People here view everything as a fiasco… and I find their panic completely inane. I guess all the horrors I went through made me cold towards people here.
I don't really know why I even started writing this. I guess I felt drawn to this paper. I was walking down Main Street, with fresh blood running down my legs, and I saw this book. I was completely compelled to it. It drew me in just by looking at it. It is so plain by its green cover, but the inside seems to symbolize my life. White, with black stripes, it represents my two sides. My light side, the side that is friendly and kind. The other is quiet, the side that is distant and refuses to acknowledge human emotion and feelings. I have begun to notice the dark side taking over me. It's a slow process that keeps eating away at my soul. Like how the ocean eats away at the rocks. It is a slow process, but it slowly removes bits of me everyday. I can see it happening, but I do not do anything to stop it. I've stopped hanging out with my friends now… I just don't get along with them like before. When I'm not walking around the children's island, I'm sitting in my room simply wishing for time to jump forward… but unfortunately for me… not only does a watched pot never boil… but waiting for something to happen only eats away at you even more.
As of late… I've been avoiding everyone, especially my parents. My friends do not call at all anymore and I've been skipping my classes more and more. My teachers have held a conference with the principal and they threatened to call my parents if there was not a drastic improvement. I told them they should just do it, and they did. I felt no worries or anything. I did not and still don't care. Why can't they understand that my heart isn't here… but in another place? I know now… I'll never be the same ever again, not even if he returned. I've gotten older in these past few months… too old.
I think thatthe dark is becoming stronger than the light…
