September 29th, 2001
Dear Diary,
I hate taking to anyone. I want to be alone. My doctor told my mother that I'm just going through a recluse phase and it's apart of being a teenager. He told my mom I must have had severe brain trauma before I was adopted. I've tried to tell them over and over again… but nothing works. They just tell me to go lie down or rest. I've decided that my only thoughts are going to be kept in this book. I trust absolutely no one here… only myself. I seclude myself from everyone and when I get home I always go straight to my room. Mom has given up consoling me anymore. Because she doesn't believe anything about the Heartless, I really can't confide in her. Father refuses to even talk to me and his glare of disgust is upon me everyday now. I can only return a look of emptiness to him. What else could I possibly do? I feel nothing more than that when I look at them.
It seems as though when he left, he took everything that made me what I am. What frightens me the most is when he returns … I won't be the same… will he still love me? Why can't he simply just come back… even if it was only for a day? Everyday I pray for him to come back, but he never does… Will he ever return? Or is he going to just leave me to my grief? I often sit in the Secret Place hoping against everything that he'll appear through that sealed door. I know he alone can open it.
Everyday I lose a tiny bit of my heart. I can feel time wearing me down. Even my will to live is slowly degrading bit by bit. I know I promised I will wait however long it takes… but does that really mean I must wait FOREVER? It's been over a year now… I guess I wasn't expecting it to take THIS long… It's really taking a toll on my body… I am not eating very much and I've stopped taking those sleeping pills. They give me nightmares that I can't wake up from until the morning. I've realized I don't cut as much when I write. I have about 20 cutes on my leg and about 5 of them are fresh. I try to stay away from my arm because I know my parents would find them… They do not need another thing to worry about.
I feel so alone and empty. The only two people who even slightly understand me have abandoned me. I can only hope they will come back to me… please… come back.
