Disclaimer: I do not own the show Law and Order SVU or characters, all rights go to Dick Wolf.

Chapter 1

Olivia fell on her bed still wearing her blood stained shirt from watching Sister Peg bleed out and die in front of her. She was still in shock and couldn't believe what happened. She blamed herself, "Fuck what if I hadn't told Jenna that the men were there?" She closed her eyes to stop the tears. It was her fault that people died today and that Elliot had to kill a teenage girl.

Fin sat with her as the doctor checked her out in the hospital. She watched Kathy come to the hospital with 4 year old Eli in tow and check on Elliot. She even hugged Olivia. Her and Kathy had a strenuous relationship because of Elliot at first. She once thought they had an affair, but after Olivia helped save her and Baby Eli's life things were different.

She thought about her own baby, Noah. He would be 4 in July. She remembered the looks she received when she started to show. Kathy even had to ask who the father was. She felt insulted that she would even think it could be Elliot's. She only told her she didn't have to worry. Kathy immediately felt a strong embarrassment and apologized. Olivia loved Elliot, but not like everyone thought. He was her family and Olivia didn't have a real family.

She watched Elliot smile at her as he left with men in suits. She knew the smile was the hug he couldn't give her. When she saw that fucker Ed Tucker, she knew IAB would be after him. She couldn't understand why he hated them so much. It was like he would target SVU. She became more of a threat as she moved up the professional ladder. When she was out with Noah, she studied for the Sergeant's exam and passed. That promotion gave her an opportunity to step back from SVU dealing with the Sergeant's duties. She found her way back to SVU though.

Cragen who followed them stopped and called Fin over to talk. Olivia watched the exchange and all she heard was "Make sure she gets home and stays there." Olivia rolled her eyes, she loved Cragen too, but sometimes he was a helicopter dad instead of a boss. All of it had her thinking it was time for a change. She was his number 2 and had been for years.

Fin helped her in the dark quiet apartment, he was her family too. She hugged him goodbye, refusing dinner and his request to stay. "Fin, I just want a shower and my bed."

Fin understood, but also had to deliver the news. "Don't shoot the messenger, you're on mandatory 4 weeks leave."

Olivia opened her eyes and smacked the bed with both hands thinking of her day, then she got up. She ripped the bedding off and threw it in the washer. She stripped naked and threw her clothes in the trash. She never wanted to wear the clothes again. She got in the shower and bit her lip as the cold water hit her body. When it finally became warm she relaxed.

This was just another "What if?" moment in her life. Olivia always wondered how her life could be different if her mother wasn't raped. What if she had a normal mom and dad to help her through life, instead of a drunk who physically and mentally abused her because of her painful past? She didn't grow up with family or even friends. She kept to herself in school, afraid people would learn about her life.

What if she didn't tell Warner to run her blood illegally in the system? What if she never found her brother, her only family from her rapist father. Simon was supposed to be her family. It was a rocky start to their relationship, but she had a brother. He disappeared too though.

Maybe she wouldn't be a SVU detective. Maybe she wouldn't have lost her virginity at 16 to an older man looking for love where it couldn't be found. Maybe she wouldn't have slept with so many men. Maybe she would have been honest about love and told Alex Cabot that she was beautiful and shared at least a kiss. Maybe she wouldn't be afraid to live and fall in love. She would often dream of that life.

She shut off the water and air dried off while she changed her bed. After she had her mini crying tantrum and changed, she looked at her phone. The screen saver made her smile like it usually did on bad days. "What if I didn't sleep with Dean Porter?" She sighed, "Then I wouldn't have you baby." She kissed her phone seeing Noah. With all the what ifs, he was her only right thing.

Dean Porter was an FBI agent that she met while undercover. She thought he was sexy and just a man. They had a moment and Olivia even told him, she would fuck him if they didn't have a job to finish. He kept coming back into her life. He even helped deal with her brother. The biggest thing was he saved her life. He shot and killed a drug lord that took her hostage. He showed up at her apartment after she was released from the hospital, he blamed himself. He looked at her neck, because he knew that he had a tough grip on her. He kissed it and then they had sex. A lot of sex.

When morning came and she woke up in his arms, she wished things could be different. "Are we going to talk about the condoms that broke?" He was still hard and she could see it in the sheet. He was strong, with a great body, and his length was more than what Olivia had ever had.

He flipped her over and fucked her one more time, he didn't even use a condom. "Does that answer your condom question?" When he left she faked asleep. She didn't want to tell him goodbye. He kissed the same spot on her neck and said, "I hope you have my baby." Olivia really didn't think about it much until she started feeling sick and missed her period.

She heard the door open. "Mommy!" He was the only reason she didn't crawl into bed and cry after her shitty day. She came out dressed and hugged him tight. He was a cutie. His long thick brown hair matched Dean, but his eyes and face were all her.

She picked him up, "How's my big boy?" He started jabbering away about going to the park and eating ice cream. He pointed to his baby sitter and Olivia eyed Lucy. "Ice cream before dinner?"

Noah scrunched his eyebrows together, "Sawee Yucy." Olivia kissed his cheek letting him know no it was okay and she put him down so he could play with his toys. She smiled at Lucy and noticed her bag.

Lucy was only 19. She lived in the building with her mother and met Olivia when she was 16. She lived there with mother, but Olivia didn't really know much about her. One day Olivia had Noah and groceries and Lucy helped her. She came by every day after school. She ate dinner with her and once Olivia went back to work, Noah went to daycare. If Olivia got held up, Lucy would get him and she even came if Olivia called at night. She was responsible for a teenager. "Luce, what's with the bag?"

Lucy hoped she didn't notice, "Oh, well Fin called and told me what happened. I didn't know if you needed me to stay or not. Olivia told her she was on mandatory leave so she would be around. She felt bad when Lucy had to stay and she was home. It meant she got the couch. Noah took her spare room when he was born. Olivia offered dinner and Noah screamed for pizza.

After they ate Olivia started thinking about her leave time. She put Noah to bed. Lucy was hanging around and it was after 9. "Luce, what's going on?" Lucy didn't have anywhere to go. She said nothing and grabbed her stuff. Olivia got a bad vibe and she wasn't in the mood today. "Lucy Huston, I won't ask again. Sit and talk."

Lucy had been lying, "You're going to be pissed." Olivia had a stern look on her face. "My mom left in January." Olivia looked at her. It was May. She wondered what she had been doing. "I used the money I had been saving from watching Noah at first. I tried to keep the apartment, but I couldn't. I told them downstairs that I was living with you and when you didn't need me I slept on a mat in the gym."

Lucy knew she would be mad, but what she heard wasn't mad. "You did what?" Lucy looked at Noah's closed door. Olivia lowered her voice, "Why wouldn't you tell me? What, you didn't think I would help you? What about school?"

Lucy told her everything, "I didn't want to bother you. I knew you had work and Noah. I quit school after the first semester. I tried to get more on my scholarship, but not even my straight A's helped me. She just left Liv, didn't tell where or anything. I guess I was embarrassed."

Olivia took a deep breath. Yelling at her wouldn't help, she was a kid. "Come here and give me a hug." Lucy hugged her, she needed that hug. Olivia pointed to the bag, "Is that all you have?" Lucy nodded. "Take a shower, look in my drawer, grab some night clothes, and get in my bed. We'll share the bed until we figure this out. Lucy started to say the couch was fine, but Olivia stopped her, "Luce, I've slept on the couch, it's shit."

Olivia opened her computer and started looking for a vacation spot. Everyone needed a getaway. She pulled up Google and typed a search for the best aquariums in the US. Noah loved swimming and water. She looked at the results. She saw Atlanta, California, Chicago, Maryland, and others. She picked Atlanta and found a Vrbo apartment. She booked that and 3 plane tickets. She figured the temperature would be warm enough for Noah to swim and the aquarium was a must.

She also booked more stuff to fill the weeks. Noah would love Legoland, World of Coca Cola, the zoo, a Braves game, and a few more. Olivia had savings. Her mother left her money and a house that she recently sold. Then there was her check. When she made Sergeant her pay went up, but she lived off of the same detective pay. She was smart with money, she had to be because of her mother. So she splurged a little. She closed her MacBook, checked on Noah, and Lucy, then climbed in bed and went to sleep.