Neurotic


Summary: "My name's not Chris Perry" Chris said, as if it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to say. "It's Christopher." He paused, almost reluctantly. "Christopher Halliwell."

Disclaimer: Charmed and Chris don't belong to me, doo dah, doo dah, I'm not making any money from this, oh, dah doo dah day. No songs used in this fanfic belong to me, either.


Chapter The Twentieth


Chris was still holding his head and glaring at Victor and Dan viciously as they approached the manor. Victor had decided the fresh air would do Chris' hangover good. Chris had decided they'd chosen to walk so that they could mock him some more.

"It's not funny," Chris moaned for the tenth time as they rounded the corner and started up the steps. "I've never drunk that much before in my life."

"Well, you know, that's something we can remedy when you're born," Victor said cheerfully, and a little loudly. Chris winced at the volume.

"There's a thought," Dan said, "isn't alcohol dangerous for women as pregnant as Piper… is?"

Chris wrinkled his nose. "Well, it hasn't harmed me too much yet, has it?" He asked. "Anyway, it's the dangerous part of alcohol that works as the agent to counteract the harmful effects of the potion."

"I think the hangover's wearing off," Victor informed Dan darkly. "He's spouting technobabble."

"Excuse me, do I look like I'm from Star Trek?" Chris returned sourly. He stared at the door. "Man, there's a door there." He blinked at it.

"How come he's drunk and hung over all at the same time?" Dan queried, reaching past Chris and knocking on the door.

"Just a minute!"

The three men stared at the door and it was opened by a very grumpy Piper, holding something against her head. She scowled at them. "Oh, you brought Mr. Cheerful back," she grouched.

"Bite me!" Chris retorted.

"Where?"

Victor grabbed Chris' arm and dragged him through the door, past Piper. "He's still a little drunk," he explained swiftly.

"They all are," Paige's voice floated down to them from up the stairs, and she hurried down with a disgruntled look on her face. "I told Phoebe she overdid it, but noooo…"

"I was worried, okay?" Phoebe protested. She was sat next to Pippa, putting a wet cloth on her forehead.

Chris leaned over and smirked at Piper. "But nowwww, there's nowhere to hiiiide," he sang, mockingly. Victor was surprised, Chris had a great voice, but he was a little confused as to why Chris was singing at Piper. "Since you pushed my love asiiide…"

"If I wasn't so pregnant, I'd bust your ass right now," Piper warned Chris as she bustled past him to collapse into one of the armchairs.

"I'm out of my head… Hopelessly devoooooteed to youuuu!"

"Chris, I cannot use my powers on you-"

"-hopelesssly devvvooootttteeeddd-"

­­"-but I'm pretty sure my powers will work-"

"­-to youuuu-"

"-on your PANTS if you don't shut up NOW!"

Chris shut up, but not without folding his arms and pouting first.

"You're no fun," he whinged.

"I thought he was going to stay at yours until this wore off," Phoebe hissed.

"I tried," Victor said, "but he went on and on about how we've only got twenty-seven days…"

Paige nodded. "Yeah, the deadlines coming close but he's absolutely no good like this. None of them are."

"The potion affected Pippa too, then?" Dan asked.

"Yep," Paige said. "Although I tried my healing on her, but I only got a spark out and she fell asleep. It's a good thing. Chris kept yelling at her not to let anything slip." Her mouth twisted into a wry expression. "He's neurotic even when drunk."

Chris leant over and poked Paige in the shoulder. "Heyy, I resemble that remark."

"Sure you do," Paige said, grabbing onto Chris by the shoulders and steering him backwards into a chair.

"You're my teacher in the future," Chris dryly informed her, before hiccoughing.

Paige pulled a face. "Yeah? Well, then, detention for you, mister!"

"Oh, maaannn," Chris said, before hiding his face in the side of the chair.

"That's it, I'm calling back-up," Paige said grimly, exchanging a look with Phoebe. "LEO! LEO!"

"Aw, man what did you want to go and do something like that for?" Chris protested lurching up and wincing as Leo orbed into the room.

"Blessed be, girls," Leo said softly, and then looked around the room. Piper was sitting at a distinct angle on one of the chairs, Chris was screwing his face up, Pippa was still being attended to by Phoebe, and Dan and Victor were finding it hard to keep a straight face. "What's happened?"

Paige took charge of the situation. "Paul poisoned Piper's coffee with the same potion Cole used to turn Phoebe all Queen of the Damned," she said grimly. "We used vodka to counter it, but now…" She gestured helplessly. "And we're on a deadline, here."

"I'm not really allowed to use my powers to heal hang-overs," Leo said, his brow drawn with worry.

"You're not," Paige said. "You're healing a sneaky attack by an evil dude from the future. We need them operating fully, and not caterwauling songs from Grease."

Leo looked at her.

"Don't ask," Paige said quickly.

Sighing, Leo walked over to Piper, who gave him the evil eye. However, as Piper's drunken "evil eye" was pretty much the same as her normal confused expression, the effect was lost to Leo. He put his hands over her, and a golden glow spattered over her face.

Piper blinked, as if just waking up, and then her eyes widened in astonishment. "Oh. My. God," she enunciated. "Please, please, please tell me I did not put the lampshade on my head and-"

"-perform all of Sandy's numbers?" Paige finished for her. "Yep. I see now why you don't get pregnant women drunk."

Piper abruptly looked panicked and held onto her stomach protectively. "The baby-"

"-is fine," Leo said, after a quick sideways glance at Chris, who clearly irked at the attention.

"Oh god," Piper said.

Leo briskly healed Pippa, who to his surprise had a black eye, and then healed Chris. He tried his best not to glower in a manly fashion at Dan, reminding himself that he did not have a real place in the household any more.

Chris immediately smacked himself in the forehead, and immediately went over to Phoebe. "Oh, god, I'm so sorry," he said, clearly distraught. "I didn't mean to call you a pixie, honest."

Phoebe wrinkled her nose, but smiled anyway. "It's fine. You were completely off-your-head." She looked at him suspiciously. "How did you get drunk so quickly? You had loads less alcohol than Piper."

"Uhhh," Chris said, not wanting to say that, effectively, he got double the amount through his present-time self sitting in Piper's womb. "I never really drank much before," he said, with a shrug. "There's not much time for it in the future, where Wyatt turns evil, you know? Some time in the next twenty-seven days, so let's stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start vanquishing!"

He started to move briskly towards the dining room table, to the Map.

"Wait a second," Paige said quietly. Chris turned. "We've still got to deal with this reality television deal. It might not be what turns Wyatt, but there's still witches going missing from it, and it still might be the demons behind it that turn him. Just 'cause we're going with the whole friend angle doesn't mean we should abandon the demon angle-"

"I agree," Chris said, "which is why we're going to-"

SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!

The door crunched inwards, and the falling timber knocked Victor and Dan to the ground. In the doorway stood three rather large threatening demons, at least seven foot tall, solidly built, with black shimmering skin and red spikes on their bulbous heads that looked like they had a stegosaurus on their heads.

"DIE WITCHES!" One of them bellowed, and they started shooting red spikes from weird projections on their elbows. Paige squeaked and launched herself across the hall, grabbing onto Dan and Victor's prone bodies and orbing them out of range of the spike attacks.

"Stegoflails!" Chris bellowed, as Piper and Pippa scurried around the corner to hide behind the couch. Phoebe had levitated to the ceiling, and had made it to the relative safety of the conservatory, away from the thudding spikes. Chris orbed out of the way of a particularly large spike. "Their spikes are poisonous, be careful!"

"How do we vanquish them?" Paige bellowed from upstairs. One of the Stegoflails tried to advance past the doorway, and Piper managed to move her hands up high enough to blast at them. It didn't vanquish them, but it was enough to keep them back.

Chris edged around the sitting room wall and was using his telekinesis to smash back as many spikes as he could. "They're on the Map," he said, "there's a vanquishing spell there."

"I'll get it," Paige said grimly, "you deflect the spiky things."

Chris nodded, and concentrated on deflecting the spikes whistling through the air towards the dining room as Paige orbed down, swiped the Map, and orbed away.

Her voice was loud as she yelled the spell. "Stegoflails with poisoned blood, deadly spikes of bone and wood, I call upon our heritage, and end within you all life's dregs."

A deadly piercing wail filled the air, and the three demons exploded. Along with them, several large chunks of dislodged timber smashed to the ground. Coughing from the dust and debris everywhere, they all scurried out of their hiding places to assess the damage.

Paige picked up one of the large pieces of banister that had been smashed away, and looked at it dubiously. "Great," she said, sarcasm thick as they all looked at each other. "Cleaning up destruction. My favourite hobby," she deadpanned.

"Anyone hurt?" Leo asked.

The girls shook their head.

"Only bruises from this end," Victor said, as Dan nodded his agreement. "I think we'll live."

"Oh, such a pity."

They all turned to the broken in doorway as Paul gingerly stepped through. He had a callous look on his pale face, and he moved with the grace of a jaguar, stalking its dying prey.

"I was hoping maybe for at least a couple of broken bones," Paul said casually, stepping over a pile of broken bricks and planks. "You really haven't put on a good show for those watching, have you?"

"You mean you're working for Witch Wars?" Phoebe questioned, dirt streaked down her face.

"Hardly," Paul said, with a sniff. "I serve under a higher power." He looked pointedly at Chris for a second, who blinked. "I wish I could stay around and chat, guys, but I simply can't. I've just popped in to kill Paige, then I'll be right out of here."

"Kill-" Paige's mouth opened, and she snapped it shut. She clenched one hand around the piece of banister that she was holding, and held it like a sword. "Like to see you try," she said, fiercely.

"All right," Paul said, calmly, and brought up his hand. His hand twitched. Nothing happened. His eyes narrowed, and he looked directly at Chris, his face suddenly open. "A little help!" He hissed angrily at Chris. Chris' eyes narrowed, and then his mouth sagged a little, as if he understood. They watched bewilderedly as Paul made a bigger gesture with his hand, and Chris made an unobtrusive smaller one with his left hand. Paige's arm smashed backwards into the stairs.

"Oh dear," Paul said, a little loudly, as if he was projecting his voice so it could be heard outside. "I missed. Well, well, I guess I'll have to run. The witch you fights and runs away, etc. etc. Ta-ta."

With that Paul orbed languidly away. Paige turned on Chris angrily.

"What the hell did you do that for!" She demanded, irately.

"Shut up!" Chris commanded. He waved his arm around them, and a silence barrier crackled into life. Leo's eyes were wide as he recognised the magic. "Oh, my god!" He grinned, looking suddenly happy. Happier even when he realised that Pippa was alive.

"What?" Piper demanded irately.

"Paul's powers didn't work against Paige," Chris said. "He's never been able to focus them that well, anyway. His powers didn't work," he repeated, happily.

"How could that be?" Paige demanded, rubbing her arm gingerly. "Yours did!"

"I used my powers on the bit of wood you were holding," Chris said dismissively. "I can direct my powers better than Paul ever could." His eyes were shimmering with a restrained sort of happiness. "But don't you see…"

Chris' face was alight with hope, for the first time since they'd ever seen him. The expression unsettled Piper.

"See what?" Piper asked plaintively.

"Paul's power couldn't work against Paige," Chris said, as if it was completely obvious, "because good witches can't use their powers on other good witches."