Maybe this isn't too bad. Hope ya'll like it, and I'm trying to make it better.
"We were so happy until….," Addison said, she gave a faint smile and started to cry more.
"I don't want to talk about it Addison." He said as he got up and moved to the refrigerator.
"Derek you never wanted to talk about it, that was the problem. We lost everything that day Derek, and I know you blamed me for it, I blamed myself. And you know what I still blame myself, but I have come to realize that it was an accident."
"Addison please, I can't do this right now," Derek said, walking back towards her, a tear slipping down his cheek.
" I'm sorry Derek, for everything, but we have to do this. She was our child, and she died, and if I would have been watching the road better I would have seen the guy run the red light, but I wasn't, I was talking to Hadley, about you Derek. She was so excited about what we were going to buy you for your birthday. Some present huh." Tears were flowing down her face as she finished.
Derek walked back over to the bed and sat down. He reached over and took Addison's hand, and looked her in the eyes.
"Addison, I didn't blame you, and I know it was an accident, but I couldn't talk to you about it because every time I looked at you, I could see her. Every time I walked into our home I could hear Hadley laugh, or even cry, I could see her in every room and I couldn't stand the fact that I had just lost my baby, my three year old little girl. So I stayed at work, and you did too. We buried ourselves in our work so we wouldn't think about the pain."
"But I needed you Derek, I lost my baby too. The little girl that I carried for 9 months, that I rocked to sleep, that I took shopping and god did she love it. I needed you and then one day, Mark was there, and things happened, and then you walked in. The first and only time I ever cheated on you Derek, and you walked in."
"Addi, I need to tell you something."
"Can this wait till in the morning, Derek. All of a sudden I'm really tired and I think I'm going to go to bed. So let's finish this then, okay?" She asked him. She couldn't handle anymore realizations tonight.
"Yeah you go onto bed, and I think that I'm going to take a walk. I'll be back in a little while."
Derek walked out of the trailer and started down one of the trails. How was he going to tell his wife that HE had just cheated on her. Especially after what they had just talked about. She was right though. He hadn't been around before slept with Mark. He died the day Hadley died. He never talked about her to anyone; not even Addison. He knew that she had blamed herself but he was so caught up in his own grief, he just let it slide. He started working later, going in earlier. Looking back he was surprised she hadn't cheated on him sooner, but then the night that he came home to find Mark's jacket laying in the hallway, he could have killed them both. It amazed him how he could have been so absent, and yet still so mad when he saw them.
He then started to think about his daughter. She was such a precious little girl, with dark red hair, and blue eyes. She was tall too, at least for her age anyway. Hadley was three years old, to young to die, to young to leave him and Addison alone. She was the best thing that had ever happened to them, and then the worst thing happened to her.
And then Derek started to think about Meredith. She was a good distraction for him from everything that had happened in his life. He had told Addison the truth when he said that he had fallen for Meredith, he saw the pain in her eyes when he said it too. But he didn't really care, he was bitter, for the loss of their daughter, for the loss of their marriage. He did choose Addison and then he called her Satan and made snide comments to her, and yet here she was. She hadn't given up yet, so why was he still thinking about Meredith.
He asked her tonight where things stood between them, and then he watched her pick Finn, thus answering his question. Derek stopped walking, and sat down in the grass, where he started to cry, for everything he had lost, and what he still might lose. And at that moment he realized he wasn't in love with Meredith, he was in love with the thought of Meredith. She was the anti-Addison. He had no real past with her, he used her to block the memories of things he couldn't face.
