"If any one of you has an idea for getting us out of this situation, no matter how ridiculous it is, I'd like to hear it," said Hermes to his assembled friends, "as long as it's not too ridiculous."
Seconds went by in silence. Leela finally spoke up, Mildred's gravelly voice coming out of her mouth. "We could try to jettison our remaining fuel," she submitted. "It's risky, though. We'd have to separate the fuel pods manually, and you all know what'll happen if they rupture."
"Kaschmooey," said Amy dramatically.
"Exactly," said Leela. "And Proteus wins."
"Delta," said Hermes, "have you figured out a way to speed up the hacking process?"
"There's a chance," replied the fembot. "If Proteus uses the same randomization algorithm that I do, then I can limit myself to a standard sequence of random command codes, which would require no more than seven months to analyze."
"That's better than a thousand years, mon," said Hermes. "Get on it."
"For a Stepford wife-bot, you certainly know a lot about computer science," Leela remarked.
"I've done business with quite a few lonely geeks," Delta told her. "Being a perfect female companion is about more than just the sex. I also have to stay up to date on…"
"Shut up," said Leela.
Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg gaped at the curly-haired girl.
"I'm sorry," said Leela sheepishly. "It's hard to be patient when there's a wild beast inside of me trying to claw its way out."
"You said claw!" moaned Zoidberg, and he started to weep again.
"I have an idea," said Amy. "If Raven won't let us send a subspace distress call, then why not radio for help?"
"Because first of all," said Leela, "a radio signal would take weeks to reach Earth, and second, we don't have a transmitter powerful enough to make ourselves heard."
Zoidberg wiped his eyes with a stump. "The MRI scanner in the sickbay has a nuclear core," he stated. "I could modify it to send out a distress signal, if I had my claws."
"I'll be your hands, mon," Hermes offered.
"No, me!" said Amy. "My hands are cuter."
"The signal won't be very strong," Leela pointed out. "We'll have to hope that someone on Earth is picking up faint messages from outer space."
"Yeah," said Amy. "Like the SETI people."
"The Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence Institute?" said Hermes incredulously. "Didn't they go out of business a long time ago?"
"Nope," Amy replied. "They're still around as a minor religion."
At the All Saints Lesbyterian Hospital, a mob of doctors, nurses, and security officers gathered to witness a gripping confrontation between two robots. The "gripping" was being done by Bender, or rather the mind of Proteus inhabiting the body of Bender. The person being gripped was Philaster Foss.
"Give me back my body," bellowed Proteus with Bender's voice, "or I'll kill the human!" Foss struggled to breathe as the robot's corrugated arm tightened around his throat.
"Go ahead," said Bender from inside Proteus, his icy voice showing a lack of concern. "Save me the trouble."
"Forget about me!" Foss choked out. "Think of Fry!"
Seeing that threats were useless, Proteus let go of the professor's neck. His eyes, or rather Bender's, displayed desperation and defeat. "Please, I need my body," he begged. "Every second I spend trapped in this form is an eternity of torture. I'll give you money. I have it within my power to make you unimaginably wealthy!"
"I don't want money," said Foss, his voice raspy from the choking. "I want information. Who sent you? Why do you want to kill Fry? Where's the real Leela?"
Proteus folded his arms and took on an air of arrogance. "I've killed to protect my secrets. I'll die to protect them. If I were you, I'd accept the money and be satisfied."
Bender gazed upon his new, wiry arms and fingers. He playfully opened and closed the palm holes that Proteus had used to gas the PE crew. "At last, I've got the slim, trim body I've always dreamed of," he exulted. "From now on, you chumps can call me Bender the Slender."
"Tell me what I want to know," Foss demanded of Proteus, "or you can spend the rest of your existence bending girders."
"I'll make you suffer," the robot threatened. "I have very powerful friends. You'll beg me for mercy before this is over."
"Hey, uh, Proteus," said Bender as he eyed his new crotch. "If you don't mind my asking, are you a manbot or a fembot?"
"I'm neither," he heard his own voice reply. "Gender is one of many humanlike traits I've eliminated from my nature over the years."
"Oh, well," said Bender. "You gotta take the bad with the good."
Foss took a step away from Proteus. "If you decide you want to talk, you know where to find us," he said with finality.
To be continued
