As she sat rigidly in the ship's bathtub, Amy started to apply shaving cream to her legs. "I think I'd rather keep the leg hair," said the red-haired girl. "That way, by the time Mildred gets her body back, she'll have to remove it with a sand blaster."
"You know how compulsive I am about leg hair," said Amy. "So relax and enjoy it."
Leela watched her friend whip out a razor. As the blade swept across the freckled skin of her legs, she found it hard not to imagine grabbing the razor from Amy's hand and slitting her throat with it. "Om mane padme hum," she said, closing her eyes tightly. "Om mane padme hum. Om mane…"
"That's it, Leela," said Amy encouragingly. "Picture the lotus flower, and how peaceful it is. Wouldn't it be sweet to have that peace inside yourself?"
Hermes abruptly stuck his head through the bathroom doorway. "We've got only an hour's worth of fuel left," he told the girls.
"Give us our privacy, you freaking perv!" Amy spat at him.
"OOOWW!" shrieked Leela when Amy's razor clumsily tore her skin. "I'm bleeding! Are you trying to kill me?"
"Use your inside voices, you harpies!" yelled Hermes.
On the bridge, Zoidberg and Delta gazed at the passing stars for a few seconds, then turned to each other. "I've done all I can," said Delta sadly. "It's the end. Hold me, John."
Zoidberg gave in to unrestrained weeping as he folded his arms around the fembot's back. "At least we'll be together when we die in the icy void of space," he sobbed. "It's funny—I always believed I'd be boiled to death."
"Gather the others," said Delta. "Let's pay each other our last respects."
Zoidberg dutifully stood up and walked off the bridge. Moments later he scuttled back, shouting "Woowoowoowoo…" as Hermes, Amy, and the bound, hopping Leela pursued him with murder in their eyes.
"Please be quiet," said Delta, stepping in front of the beleaguered lobster. "Since we have only a few hours of life remaining, I believe we should put aside our differences and reflect on how much we care about each other."
"Will we live any longer if we eat Zoidberg?" Hermes asked her.
"No," replied Delta. "By the time you jerk him properly, the oxygen will have run out."
"So this is it," said Leela somberly. "We're all going to die. Well, at least I won't have to put up with these stupid Chalnoth rage attacks for much longer."
"I'm too cute to die!" wailed Amy.
"Are you sure there's nothing we haven't tried, mon?" Hermes inquired of Delta.
The fembot nodded. "Unless one of you has a bright idea you're not sharing, yes."
Amy, Hermes, and Leela looked at each other and shook their heads. They didn't bother to look at Zoidberg.
"I…I have a confession to make," said Hermes sheepishly.
Every eye turned toward him. "What is it?" asked Amy.
Hermes stared at his shoes. "I've been dipping into the company's expense account," he admitted. "That's how I was able to afford summer karate camp for Dwight. That's how I got my shoes, and my gold watch, which I can't find anywhere."
"Oh, that's terrible!" said Leela.
"You should be ashamed," said Zoidberg.
"Enough out of you!" Leela snapped at the crustacean.
"I have something to confess as well," said Amy.
Everyone fell silent. The ship's engines whined.
"I've been playing Internet poker during work hours," the Asian girl went on. "Remember Sergio, the guy I used to date? I lied about meeting him at a strip club. He was my online poker buddy."
"I had no idea," said Leela. "At least you did the right thing in the end, by dumping him."
"I have so much to confess, I could write a book," said Delta. "And I will, as soon as I come up with a good title."
A second of silence went by. "I need to confess something too," Leela spoke up.
"We're listening, mon," said Hermes.
Leela tried to wring her hands, but they were immobilized behind her back. "I think I'm in love with Fry," she said meekly.
"Well, spluh," said Amy. "We all know that. Even Fry knows it."
"I take that back," said Leela, tears coming to her eyes. "I know I'm in love with Fry. It's so bad that when our bodies were switched, I was in love with him in my body."
"Is there anyone on this ship who thinks Fry and Leela don't belong together?" said Hermes.
"Right here," said Leela indignantly. "He's a repugnant slob. He's a mutant stuck in the body of a human."
"Yet there must be something about him you find attractive," said Delta. "Don't deny your feelings for him, Captain Leela. Everyone I know who did that eventually exploded."
Amy passed a handkerchief to Leela, who wiped her eyes with it. A hush fell over the bridge and the doomed passengers.
"What about you, Zoidberg?" said Hermes to the crustacean. "Anything to confess?"
Zoidberg smirked slightly. "No, but I think I may have found a way to save us all."
To be continued
