Captain's log, Acting Captain Zoidberg speaking. Raven is in orbit around a planet roughly the size of Earth, more than three thousand light years beyond the boundary of known space. The planet is sparsely inhabited by life forms, but the ship's sensors have picked up no evidence of technology or even industry. Here we must remain until help arrives. Sending a distress call would be futile, as there are no subspace relays nearby, and we lack sufficient fuel to reach one. Our escape from the jaws of death has brought us closer together. Amy and Hermes are no longer bickering, and even Leela appears to be managing her rage attacks better. My claws, unfortunately, are still broken and useless; I had to activate the log recorder with my mouth flaps, and with any luck, I'll be able to turn it off in the same manner. Zoidberg out. Hmm…hmm…no, this isn't working…I can't apply enough pressure to the button. Maybe if I use one of my other flaps…no, that's no good. Am I still recording? The green light's still on, so I guess I am. I've got a little bit of claw left on my right stump…no, that's not doing it either. Ah, well. Since I don't want you to get bored, I'll tell a story. Many years ago, just after I had molted for the first time…

As the ship descended slowly toward the vine-covered surface of the strange planet, Amy, Hermes, and Delta discussed their course of action. "If we were real space explorers, what's the first thing we would do?" Amy wondered.

"Eat poisonous plants and die, most likely," said Hermes.

"It's a jungle out there," remarked Delta, gazing through a viewport at the endless stretches of hills, the ferny plant life, and the reddish-brown mists in the sky.

"It's like a huge tropical rain forest," remarked Amy.

"Let's give it a name," Hermes suggested. "How about Selva? That's the Brazilian word for rain forest."

"I like that name," said Amy.

On the bridge, Leela was operating the ship's landing gear with one hand, as her other hand was chained to the steering column. "Altitude, 2100 meters," she read from the gauge on the console. "2000 meters. 1900 meters. On behalf of the entire Raven crew, I'd like to welcome you to the Planet of No Return. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened until the ship grinds to a complete stop."

"It's so pristine," said Zoidberg, watching the planet's vegetation as it waved back and forth in the wind.

In the midst of the dense forest, several clearings became evident. "We'll land over there," said Leela, pointing with one of Mildred's stocky fingers. Raven fired its thrusters and sailed toward the series of bare circles, which were arranged like a set of bowling pins.

Zoidberg curiously examined the trunks, vines, and stone tablets strewn across the clearing below them. "Someone was here recently," he observed. "Could this spot have religious significance, maybe?"

Raven touched down so gently that the passengers hardly noticed when it happened. Leela, her wrists shackled again, was the first to step down the ramp. She took a deep whiff of the alien atmosphere, smiled, and said, "It smells like Earth after a thunderstorm, with a tiny hint of rotten eggs."

"It's almost as beautiful as Jamaica, mon," said Hermes. The surrounding trees had gray bark and spiky, dark green leaves, which grew out of the upper parts of the trunks as well as the branches.

Leela set her foot, and Mildred's sneaker, on the grassy soil. It gave way slightly under her weight. Suspicious, she turned and looked at the ship's landing pylons. "Oh, my God," she said with alarm. "Raven's starting to sink!" Indeed, the pylons had already made indentations several inches deep in the ground.

Amy hopped up and down a few times, and noted that her shoes left marks everywhere. "It's like clay," she remarked.

Leaning over, Delta scooped up a fistful of dirt. "The soil is extremely soft," she told the others. "If Raven keeps sinking at this rate, she'll be underground within an hour."

"Think again," uttered a voice from the ship's interior. Zoidberg had only a second to leap from the ramp before Raven shuddered, collapsed into herself, shrank, and assumed the form of a jet-black android with glassy, rectangular eyes.

"Oh, yeah," said Amy sheepishly. "I forgot she could do that."

"Thanks to my anti-gravity field, my weight is a mere fraction of what it was," said Raven coolly. Her feet, which appeared to be coated with ebony armor, began to take slow steps.

Hermes rubbed his belly. "I don't know about the rest of you, except for Zoidberg, but I'm hungry."

"So am I," said Leela. "There's gotta be a McDonald's somewhere on this rock."

They walked together, no one taking the lead—the Chinese girl, the dreadlocked Jamaican, the declawed crustacean, the copper-haired fembot, the freckled redhead, and the anthropomorphized spaceship. They passed through a row of trees into another clearing, and then Amy noticed something. "Look at that," she said, gesturing toward a large bush with yellow balls hanging from its fronds. "The empty shells on the ground must be rinds. Those fruits may be edible."

"They look like mangoes," said Hermes.

"Don't start filling your stomachs just yet," said Delta, extending her arm to pick a fruit from an upper branch of the bush. "I'll need to run a chemical analysis on…"

All it took was a pause between words for Zoidberg to snatch the fruit away with his stumps and insert it into his mouth. "Mmm, mmm," he mumbled as he chewed on the delicacy. "It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's died and gone to heaven."

"That was careless of you, John," Delta scolded him.

Amy, Leela, and Hermes carefully watched Zoidberg for signs of dying. "It doesn't count, mon," said Hermes to the lobster. "You can digest anything."

Zoidberg swallowed. "More," he said insistently. "More!"

With no warning but a rustle of leaves, the group was suddenly surrounded by more than a dozen humanlike creatures, each of which wore a garish mask and sported a primitive-looking spear. They shrieked ferociously, their cries resembling those of wild birds. Other than the masks, they wore only loincloths on their lean, muscular bodies. More than anything, they reminded Leela, Amy, and Hermes of a band of Polynesian islanders performing an ancient ritual. While Delta and Raven assumed fighting postures, Leela snarled and struggled to break free of the shackles on her wrists.

"What do they want?" cried Amy as a native with a wide-eyed mask waved a spear point at her.

"Our heads!" said Hermes, shrinking away from two aliens who gazed curiously at him.

"I surrender on the condition that you give me more fruit!" said Zoidberg.

At the sight of the crustacean, the entire mob of natives fell silent and became motionless. Seconds passed as Hermes, Amy, and Leela wondered and feared. Then, all at once, the savages dropped their spears, fell to their knees, and kowtowed at Zoidberg's feet.

"Kootooloo…Kootooloo…" they chanted.

"What are they doing?" said Leela, confused. "What's a Kootooloo?"

Zoidberg smiled with satisfaction as the natives prostrated themselves before him. "Hooray! My reputation has preceded me!"


To be continued