"How'd you do it, mon?" asked Hermes.
"Your guess is as good as mine," said Zoidberg, snapping his claws joyfully.
"I can't believe my eye…I mean, eyes," said Leela. "I haven't seen anything like this since…since Fry was…"
Hermes, Amy, and Zoidberg watched an expression of astonishment appear on the freckled girl's face.
"Delta," she said slowly, "I think you'd better take a close look at one of those fruits."
"Aye-aye, Captain Leela," said the fembot. Once she had plucked a yellow orb from the bush and cracked it open, she extended her eyes like laser pointers to analyze the fruit's orange flesh. "Very interesting," she remarked. "John, you're not feeling sick at all, are you?"
"On the contrary," said Zoidberg. "I've never felt better." To demonstrate his good health, he executed a flawless pirouette.
"What did you find?" Leela inquired of the robot.
"My microscopic vision is detecting millions of parasitic life forms," replied Delta.
Zoidberg suddenly clutched his throat. "Parasites!" he exclaimed in horror. "They'll suck the life out of me! I'll be reduced to a shell of my former self!"
"Tell me more about these parasites," Leela requested.
"Every one of them has hundreds of legs," Delta told her. "They use their legs to build what appear to be tiny houses out of pulp. Some of the houses are arranged in a rectangular matrix, and some…my God, those are fractals. I don't know how it's possible, but they seem to possess a collective knowledge of higher mathematics."
"A collective what?" said Amy, confused.
"Maybe an analogy will help," Delta continued. "Suppose you and 599 other people have a 600-page book of advanced math. Every one of you memorizes one page of the book, and when you're done, any one of you can solve the problems in it."
"Of course," said Leela. "They're like the parasites that invaded Fry's body and made improvements. He became stronger and smarter, and when he was injured, he healed instantly."
Hermes stood on his toes, pulled down a fruit, and gazed curiously at it. "If the professor were here," he mused, "he'd want to take one of these to his lab to study it."
"You mean if the professor were alive," said Amy dolefully.
Several yards away, one of the unconscious natives awoke and began to moan. "They're coming around," Delta observed. "John, see if you can convince them to lead us to their settlement."
"I'm on it." Zoidberg shook his claws like castanets as he scuttled toward the fallen men.
"I know what you're thinking," said Hermes, glaring sternly at Amy and Leela. "But a parasite's a parasite. It could cure you of everything that's wrong with you, and then kill you in the morning."
"Hmm," said Leela wistfully. "Right now I'd give anything to be cured of these rage attacks. But you're right, Hermes."
"Did you notice that one of those men was missing two fingers?" Delta pointed out. "Obviously there's a downside to the fruit, or he would have used it to grow them back."
"I totally didn't think of that," said Amy with a smile. "You're so observant."
"Guchabu na koimba zigzig!" babbled Zoidberg. The lobster had returned, followed closely by the two formerly unconscious natives, whose heads were bowed in reverence.
"Oh, no!" exclaimed Leela. "The parasites are destroying his mind!"
"Far from it," Zoidberg reassured her. "I can speak and understand their language now."
Everyone but Raven gaped in amazement.
"My humble servants have agreed to take us to their tribal chieftain," said Zoidberg, gesturing toward the scantily clad warriors. "They apologized for their mistake of trying to sacrifice Amy. By the way, chanana means virgin."
Leela stared blankly at him. "Now I know you're crazy."
Far away, on the planet Earth…
Bender, or rather Proteus occupying his body, groggily opened his bulbous eyes. The harsh glow of the ceiling light nearly blew out his optical sensors.
"Unnhh," the robot groaned. "Where am I? Who am I? How am I?"
"He's awake, everybody!" a jubilant voice shouted.
The next thing Proteus saw was a circle of grinning robot faces. One of them, whom he recognized as Bitsy the bartender, put forth a slender arm to help him stand. His legs wobbled like licorice whips as he struggled to right himself. "I feel terrible," he lamented. "I will never, ever drink again."
"That's what you always say, Bender," said Bitsy gently.
"Didja forget?" said a fat robot with a mustache of steel wool. "He ain't Bender. He's Proteus."
The other 'bots murmured in agreement. "Yeah," said some. "Proteus," said others.
"Oh, so you believe me now," said Proteus, leaning against the bar with his elbow.
"Yuh-huh," said a rusty fembot. "We believes everything ya told us. The murders, the fake identities…"
"…the illegal experiments aimed at manipulating human behavior through cranially implanted microprocessors…" added a robot with a propeller built into his head.
"…we even believe you when you say C. Montgomery Burns is still alive," Bitsy concluded.
"Didn't he die of old age in 2027?" the fat robot reflected.
"Wasn't he executed by firing squad in 2188?" a gold-plated manbot added.
"And don't forget," said Bitsy, "he was also blown to bits in 2342. But if Proteus says he's still alive, we believe him, don't we?"
"Oh, good grief," said Proteus, covering his eyes with his hands. "Did I really tell you all that?"
"Yuh-huh," the broken-down fembot answered. "Ya started spillin' yer guts after yer third drink. That were six days ago."
"Six days…?"
Bender's head literally popped off.
To be continued
