Located a quarter-mile from Raven's touchdown site, the native village was little more than a row of straw huts whose empty doorways faced the sun. Women and children with huge nostrils and not much clothing walked back and forth, carrying bundles of grain under their arms. The hair on the women was short and unruly, and their standard fashion choice was an animal-hide tube top that reached down only far enough to cover their hips. Some of them were accompanied by fawning creatures that resembled rabbits, but were the size of Dobermans.

"Welcome to the village of Yakyak, O mighty one," said one of the aborigines who had led Zoidberg and the others to the location.

The crustacean scanned the tiny settlement with his eyes. "I'm impressed with what I see," he said in the native tongue. "You've built an entire civilization out of naturally occurring materials. You are truly living in harmony with the ecosystem."

"Great," grumbled Amy. "The toilet's probably a hole in the ground."

At the sight of Zoidberg, the villagers dropped their bundles and fell to their knees, completely ignoring the three humans and two robots that had arrived with him. They, like the other natives, took up the chant, "Kootooloo…kootooloo…"

"Yes, it's true!" the lobster addressed them. "I, the great god Kootooloo, have returned from the dead, or New Jersey, or whatever terrible place I was in!"

Hermes watched in dismay as Zoidberg waved his claws and the natives traced their movements as if hypnotized. "Stop encouraging them!" snapped the grade-36 bureaucrat.

"My good friend," said Zoidberg, "haven't you watched Ghostbusters? When somebody asks you if you're a god, you say yes."

"I hate to say it, but he's right," said Leela. "Their delusions of Zoidberg's godhood may be the only reason we're alive right now."

Hermes grimaced when he saw two young women in pink tops kneel in front of Zoidberg and kiss his scaly feet. "This is utterly wrong, mon," he protested. "It's a flagrant violation of the DOOP's Prime Directive."

"You mean, never press the shiny red button?" said Amy.

"No," said Hermes. "I'm talking about the Secondary Prime Directive—never interfere with a civilization less advanced than your own."

"That's more of a guideline than a directive, Hermes," Delta told him. "Zapp Brannigan has violated the Secondary Prime Directive forty-seven times, and with forty-seven different women, but his only court-martial was for something totally unrelated."

"Blowing up DOOP headquarters," Leela recalled.

A native woman lifted a woven bowl full of yellow fruits to Zoidberg's claws, and he consumed them ravenously. "The only thing godlike about you is your appetite," Hermes mocked him. Moments later, an inquisitive female reached for the Jamaican's glasses, pulled them off, and set them on top of her own nose. "Hey, I need those to see!" Hermes complained.

Zoidberg looked away from his worshippers. "Dango bukaka zurf," he said to the woman wearing Hermes' spectacles.

"Zurf nonagana," said the woman in a disappointed tone, and she handed the glasses to their owner.

"What was that about?" Hermes asked the lobster.

"I told her you need the glasses to see," Zoidberg explained. "She didn't understand, because she couldn't see a thing with them on."

His companions soon found that they had become objects of the natives' curiosity. A teenage boy, his expression one of delight, knocked on Delta's streamlined forehead. "Hello, young man," said the fembot sweetly. "My name is Delta. I am programmed to administer nineteen different forms of erotic stimulation."

"He's underage, mon," Hermes cautioned her.

Leela, on the other hand, saw only fear in the eyes of the aborigines when they turned their gaze to her. "Zogax," she heard one little girl mutter to another. The second girl, who held in her hands a small wooden bowl, stepped bravely up to Leela and shouted, "Zogax babalira!"

Many of the natives turned their heads at the sound. "No!" Zoidberg called to them. "She is not Zogax!"

"Zogax babalira!" the other natives began to chant. The little girl drew back her hand and hurled the bowl at Leela. Its rough edge struck her on the cheek, and its poi-like contents dribbled down her face and onto Mildred's blouse. She had barely enough time to wince in pain before a half-eaten yellow fruit, thrown by a white-haired woman, hit her in the groin area.

"She's not Zogax!" Zoidberg yelled to the mob. "That part of the prophecy is a mistake!"

"Who's Zogax?" asked Leela as she bent over to dodge what looked like a flying chunk of cactus.

Once Zoidberg observed that the natives had stopped hurling food and were bowing before him again, he answered Leela's query. "Zogax is the name they give to the Evil One, a death goddess who gives strength and cunning to the enemy tribes when they come to war."

"All right," said Leela, trying to shake the blood-tinged poi from her face. "So who gives strength and cunning to this tribe?"

Zoidberg grinned. "Apparently, I do."

To Hermes' alarm, the same woman who had tried on his glasses was now fondling his shoulders in a sensual manner. "Gigiz snoo-snoo," she said, her yellow eyes shining with affection.

"What did she say?" Hermes asked Zoidberg.

"She wants to have sex with you," was the crustacean's reply.

"I know," said Hermes. "But what did she say?"

"Bludiblek chanana," said the native woman seductively. "Gigiz snoo-snoo."

"She said she doesn't want to be a virgin anymore," said Zoidberg.

"Tell her that's too bloody bad!" said Hermes, pushing the beautiful aborigine away. While she lay on the ground weeping, another native woman with a pink top took her place, caressing Hermes' cheek and chanting, "Gigiz snoo-snoo."

"Geesh," said Amy. "Why are the girls so hung up about their virginity? It's like high school all over again."

Leela bit her lower lip. Her face became sullen. "I feel a rage coming on," she warned the others.

Delta dutifully coiled her arms around the curly-haired girl as she began to wheeze and snarl. "Suck it up, Captain Leela," she said helpfully. "Suck it up."

"Remember your promise," said Leela hoarsely.

Amy's jaw fell. Remember your promise…?


To be continued