"In this body?" said Proteus incredulously. "I'm amazed I can move at all."
"No more cracks about my body," said Bender, who was seated next to Foss in an equally casual manner.
"Have a seat," said Foss, pointing his weapon toward the ceiling. "You wanted to talk, so let's talk."
The robot in Bender's body stepped forward hesitantly and took a seat on the opposite end of the table. "As I told you over the phone," he said to Foss, "I'm willing to betray my employer and place him at your mercy, in exchange for the return of my body."
"And how do you propose to do that?" Foss asked him. "You can't even get into the building."
"I have a plan," said Proteus, leaning forward. "Step 1, I provide Bender with my access codes. Step 2, he enters the lab by assuming my identity. Step 3, while you and I wait at the loading dock, Bender secures Burns' head and…"
"Wait," said Foss, raising his finger. "You left out a step."
"Which step?"
"The most important step of all. Step 1, you have to earn our trust."
Proteus made a wounded expression with Bender's face. "What do I have to do?" he inquired.
"Help us find our friends," replied Foss. "Help us to get Leela back into her own body."
"Easier said than done," said Proteus. "Mildred's unaccounted for, Professor Farnsworth's head fell into the sewer, and the others are almost certainly floating dead in space."
"Then we'll start with Farnsworth," Foss declared.
Minutes later, in a nearby alley, Bender yanked a manhole cover out of its mooring to expose a small aluminum ladder. "Hello!" he shouted into the darkness. "Professor? Are you down there? We're coming to get you, so don't lose your head!"
A faint sound of laughter greeted his robotic ears. "Don't lose your head," repeated a squeaky voice from below. "Oh, that's a good one."
"Mutants!" exclaimed Foss. "They must be, to find that funny."
Proteus leaned his head down to the hole. "Who's there?" he called. "Come into the light where we can see you!"
There was silence, except for a scraping sound. Finally the high-pitched voice said, "Why don't you come into the darkness where we can see you?"
Foss, Proteus, and Bender exchanged glances. "I'd advise against it," said Proteus, shaking his head. "They could be robot cannibals."
"Right," said Bender. "Like anybody would want to cannibalize parts from you."
"We're going down," Foss stated. "You first, Proteus."
The reluctant robot cautiously placed his foot on the first rung, then his other foot on the second. He slowly descended through the hole until he disappeared from view, and Foss himself followed suit. The mossy slime that had accumulated on the ladder came off on his fingers and left a bad taste on his skin. Bender was the third to climb down, and shortly all three were standing together in the blackness, scarcely able to see each other.
The strange voice spoke again, much louder this time. "I can see you, but you can't see me!" it gloated.
"Wrong!" said Proteus, turning on Bender's eye headlamps and aiming them in the direction of the sound.
A dank wall of the sewer became illuminated. The hidden creature squinted and shrieked as the light struck its face. It had sharp front teeth, a pointed nose, gray whiskers, a body like a toilet brush, and a long, snake-like tail. It resembled an average rat in every way, but was as large as a St. Bernard.
"I think we can venture a guess as to what happened to Professor Farnsworth," said Foss as he regarded the beast in curious horror.
"That's right, surface scum," said the giant rat in a helium voice. "I ate your precious professor with fava beans and a nice Chianti."
Proteus waved his eye beams in a circular pattern, but saw no other rats. "It may be lying," he told the others. "It has no way of knowing who Farnsworth is."
"Let me handle this," said Foss. "I've studied these monster rats. They have well-developed temporal lobes, but their speech centers are primitive. They don't understand much beyond movie quotes."
"Please don't hurtsss usss!" the rat begged. "We only wantsss the preciousss!"
Foss motioned for Proteus to train his lights on the sullen creature. "You claim to have eaten Professor Farnsworth," he addressed it. "Can you describe him to us?"
"Oh my, yes," was the rat's response.
Bender and Foss gaped. "Coincidence," Proteus assured them.
The rat wiggled its round ears. "He was short," it recounted. "Very short."
"How short?" Foss asked it. "Short enough to be no more than a head?"
The beast's whiskers waved up and down as it nodded.
"Was he wearing thick glasses?" Foss inquired.
"Yes," said the rat, nodding again. "Crunchy things on eyes."
"Did he have a habit of saying, 'Sweet Zombie Jesus'?"
The rat's jet-black eyes widened. The fur on its back settled.
"I will lead you to Sweet Zombie Jesus," it offered. "Follow me."
The creature scraped the stony ground with its claws as it turned and scampered away. Foss, Bender, and Proteus had to jog to keep up. They followed the rat deeper into the sewer, passing culvert after culvert until the light of the sun through the grates vanished. The water rushing past their feet became thicker and fouler, and Foss had to strain to keep from vomiting.
They hurried past stone walls and corridors for what seemed like a lifetime. When they were beginning to despair of ever seeing light again, they saw light again—an odd, green, fluctuating light. They stood at the entrance to a broad cavern with stalactites dangling from the roof, and a pool of green ooze taking up much of the floor. Around the edge of the pool swarmed dozens of enormous rodents.
"This is my home," said the rat to the speechless trio. "Sweet Zombie Jesus lives here too."
The giant rats eyed them suspiciously and hungrily as they walked by. I don't know what scares me more, thought Foss, those monsters, or the fact that no one has bothered to clean up this hideous pimple on the environment. "Looks like meat's back on the menu, boys," he heard one rat mutter to another.
In an enclave on the far end of the cavern lay a somewhat smaller rat, busily attempting to open a walnut with its slender black claws. "Sweet Zombie Jesus," said the rat that was guiding Bender, Foss, and Proteus. "Some surface scum are here to see you."
The small rat turned to look, and the semblance of a grin appeared on its lipless mouth. "You found me," it uttered in the voice of Professor Farnsworth.
To be continued
