Chapter 25: Night Blindness
Derek watched with a sort of quiet resignation Meredith getting dressed and bustling to start a new day. She had brought avoidance techniques to perfection since that memorable night in the jeep, his badly timed love confession and even worse timed release. Oh, they still spent a lot of time together. But they weren't talking, not really. When they weren't otherwise occupied, Meredith seemed determined to fill every vacuous minute with sex. And then sleep, or pretending to be asleep. She was clearly scared he would bring on the topic of love again.
He decided not to, he was giving her space. He was being the bigger man. As much as it pained him. His realization of his feelings for Meredith was exciting, it was liberating. And now he had to stifle them inside him. What was even worse was the fact that his compliance didn't seem to work. He thought that maybe Meredith would stop fretting if he didn't mention his feeling for her again but it was not the case. The days went by and her nervousness didn't pass. She was always on her guard as if afraid of being attacked by her own shadow.
"Not now, Cristina." He heard her mutter into her phone as she flipped it shut. So she was avoiding everyone… He assumed naturally she would have freaked out to her person by now. The way she just stopped the conversation told him otherwise. Why was she as agitated as to bottle everything inside? Why hadn't she shared anything with Cristina? Was it, his heart fluttered hopefully, because there were her own feelings involved? Feelings she didn't want to admit, perhaps… Maybe his confession led her to some kind of realization of her own?
"You're avoiding Cristina as well?" he asked from the bed, propping himself on one elbow.
"What?" she asked abruptly.
"I thought I was the only one privileged enough to be constantly ignored and avoided but I see so is Cristina," he went on recklessly.
"What are you talking about?" she barked out defensively. "I'm not avoiding anyone."
"Right, you've just dismissed Cristina like she was going to waste your precious time."
"I… did not! I don't have time to talk to her right now!" she glared at him.
"Sure you don't," he snorted. "You don't have time to talk to me either, right? Even if we're together practically 24/7."
"I don't-"
"Don't bother, Meredith," he cut her in. "It's bullshit. You've been in a state of constant panic ever since I said-"
"Don't!"
"-I love you," he finished raising his voice and noticing she was going pale. Saying it again brought him a vindictive kind of pleasure. It was probably wrong on some level that confessing his love was a sort of vengeance.
"Derek, this… you don't love me," she shook her head, a horrified smile on her face. "I'm not sure what brought about this… It's probably because we're together all the time as you said, we have sex all the time and… you're you. But this doesn't mean we're in… love. We're not, so stop saying that!" with that she whirled on her heel and walked out of the room. "See you downstairs!"
He plopped back on the bed with a heavy sigh. He didn't know what to do anymore, what direction to take. His time was slowly running out, he had only weeks in Rachel, days. He didn't know anything about his life anymore. Except one thing. Of one thing he was painfully certain. He loved her. Despite everything she said. That was one of the reasons why he knew he loved her, apart from experiencing emotions and feeling he had never had before. He wanted to be with her despite everything. She was being an inconsiderate bitch to him, he was mad. But he still wanted to be with her. He would rather argue with her than have sex with another woman. It was that simple and that hard.
The morning went fairly uneventful with few patients, a lot of avoiding and Meredith trying like hell to find another plausible excuse not to go to Cristina's for lunch. The mournful monotony of the day was broken by the appearance of a very harassed-looking woman, whom Derek hadn't met before.
"Mrs. Monroe, what is it?" Meredith led her inside and the short blonde woman plopped on one of the chairs in the waiting area. "Are you in any pain? Maybe we should come to my office to talk-" she gave a short glance at Derek.
"No, that's fine," Mrs. Monroe took a deep breath. "I came to ask you for help, Dr. Grey. Dr. Shepherd," she nodded at him respectfully.
"Of course, what's the matter? We're going to help," Meredith assured her warmly.
"It's… I know how it is going to sound… you'll think I'm crazy…" she clutched her heart desperately. "No one in my family believes me! My husband thinks I imagined everything, my daughter just laughs it off!"
"And… what seems to be the problem?" frowned Derek.
"It's just…" Mrs. Monroe lowered her voice to a barely audible whisper. "I'm hearing voices…"
"Oh…" Derek did no longer know what to say. Hearing voices, not a good symptom. Either a psychological condition or a neurological one. In his mind's eye he already saw himself opening the blonde's skull, it was a long time since he held a scalpel in his hands.
He almost jumped when he met Meredith's berating gaze on him. It felt as if she was reading his mind.
"Can you be a little more specific, Mrs. Monroe?" she asked soothingly. "What kind of voices? When? Do you hear them now?"
"Nah," she waved her hand in the air. "No, it's just that weird. They only come in the night, from outside, as though from somewhere on the ranch…"
"So maybe they're just your workers, probably drinking-"
"No, I'm sure they're not. That's what I thought at the beginning. But I asked and checked myself. They all leave in the evening. And the voices, terrible screams, it happens around midnight."
"Every night?" inquired Derek.
"No, not every night. I tried to make my husband to listen but he sleeps all through it. And you can't hear it from the house. I discovered it by accident when I forgot to collect the laundry before the nightfall."
"Maybe they're just pranksters," came up Meredith. "Rigsby could-"
"No! Dr. Grey, if I'm really… not right in the head, I don't want make a public sensation out of myself," she pleaded with Meredith with her eyes. "Will you help me? Could you please come to my house tonight? I know it's a lot to ask of you but I'll be-"
"Of course, I'm going to do what I can, Mrs. Monroe," Meredith promised her with a small sigh. "I'll be at your place, let's say… at 11 tonight? Is that alright?"
Mrs. Monroe thanked her profusely and left, looking much better than when she came in.
"I'm worried about her," Meredith muttered more to herself than Derek.
"Has she had any psych episodes before?" he frowned.
"No," she rolled her eyes. "She's a very nice woman. Her daughter is the tomboy of the town."
"But hearing voices-" he started but was quickly interrupted by her stern voice.
"Let's not just jump to conclusions. I'll go there tonight and I'll see what's really wrong. I'm really convinced it's just a prank or some kids wandering at night. Maybe even Beth, that's the daughter, I wouldn't put it past her."
"You meant we'd go there tonight," he corrected her firmly. "We'll see what was wrong."
"I'll manage on my own," she insisted hurriedly. "You don't have to-"
"You know I don't have to but I want to. I'm not gonna let you wander alone at night wait for God knows what or whom."
"I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself! Alone!"
"I'm not questioning that. Only sometimes you don't have to do everything alone and sure like hell, I'm not gonna let you do it this time," he said and strode to his office quickly so as not to give her a chance to retaliate.
"Really, Mrs. Monroe, no need for you to accompany us. We'll be absolutely fine. Why don't you get back home and try to sleep?" Derek reassured their so-called patient standing on her porch. He felt Meredith's glower at the back of his head but ignored it. She didn't always get the things done her way. Certainly not tonight. "We'll tell you everything tomorrow morning. Really, goodnight, Mrs. Monroe."
"You just had to send her back," Meredith complained loudly, her arms folded over her chest, as they started to make their way in the direction pointed by Mrs. Monroe. "Don't you think it might have been useful to have her with us so she could tell us exactly when she hears these voices? We might have come here for absolutely nothing."
"I'm positive we'll manage," he shrugged as the tall shadow of one of the farm buildings loomed in the darkness. "Oh, look, I think we should shelter in there. If it's really some pranksters she's hearing, we'll be hidden from view."
"I don't-"
"It's getting chilly too," he cut her across and went on to pull open the door to the barn. He carefully stepped inside bypassing numerous machines and tools that hung from above and sat down on a large wooden crate. Meredith could do nothing but follow him with a sigh.
"Is it really so painful for you to spend some time with me?" he asked brusquely.
"How could you even ask? We're working together, we're having sex every night-"
"Exactly," he pointed out gravely. "What if we weren't having sex? Would it be the end of our non-professional relationship?"
His question left her temporarily speechless. "You wanted to have sex," she gasped. "You wanted to fuck me since you arrived here!"
"I did, I admit. But things change."
"That's not what we agreed on," she hissed starting to pace up and down. "We agreed on being friends and… help each other… What the hell do you want from me, Derek?"
"I want you to trust me," he answered at once. "I want you to quit avoiding me! To tell me what you really feel."
"I… I don't love you, if you expected to hear otherwise."
No, he didn't expect her to tell him that she loved him. He expected to hear just what she did say. Yet, it still hurt as if his heart was run over by a monster truck.
"Then why are you recoiling when I say it-"
"Shhh," she hissed at him suddenly. "I think I hear footsteps!"
She quickly ran up to him and made him hide behind the crate even though it was pitch dark in the barn. Seconds later, the immense door creaked open letting in a beam of moonlight. Two silhouettes entangled together slipped inside giggling and chuckling.
"God, Beth, I've been thinking about you whole day," a male voice clearly undergoing mutation murmured heatedly.
"You said that yesterday, Jeremy," she giggled though it soon transformed into a moan. "And… the day before…"
"That's because I think about you all the time. I think about us making love all the time…"
Meredith bit on her lip, crouching in the darkness. She didn't want to eavesdrop but they had a job to do. She felt Derek stir beside her, probably equally at a loss what to do.
And then a moan, almost a shriek, pierced the barn, possibly carrying out through the high window above. It was like an enlightenment.
She rummaged her bag for a torchlight and lit it lifting it over her head.
"Jeremy West and Beth Monroe!" she shouted sternly.
The two teenagers shrieked in fright, jumping up in the torchlight.
"Dr… Dr. Grey," Beth stuttered clutching her chest in a gesture very much like her mother's. "Dr. Shepherd? What are you doing here?"
"Have you come for a booty call too?" asked Jeremy avoiding his girlfriend's elbow cracking into his ribs.
"Jeremy West, you've been caught fooling around with your girlfriend in the dead of night, in the barn of the said girlfriend's father! You're in no position to joke!" berated him Meredith, disregarding Derek's amused chuckle. "And we're here to discover the source of the mysterious voices that were plaguing your mother. I think I know now where they came from. Was it fun for you to see your mom worried sick?"
Beth tried to make an apologetic face but failed spectacularly. "Well, actually it was kind of funny. You see, we spent a night together… and mom well, heard us. We thought we were busted. And you know my father, doc… Jeremy would have his balls ripped off if my dad knew."
"But Mrs. Monroe didn't recognize us," added Jeremy. "Well, we were pretty much screaming. We're kinda screamers, you know?"
"Yeah, it's kind of intense with us," giggled Beth. "You know intense?"
"That's… neither here nor there," Derek cleared his throat, thankful it was dark. It rang too close home. "You can't keep meeting for dates here. At least for the sake of your mother."
"But we're in love," Beth smiled softly, her voice tenderly exuberant. "We want to be together. And we can't go on regular dates because my dad will know and he will never let me out of his sight."
"We just want to be together," said quietly Jeremy.
"I mean, you get it, right?" pleaded Beth. "You've done it right?"
"Together?"
"Beth!" hissed Meredith throwing Derek a filthy look, completely useless in the obscurity.
"Are you gonna turn us in?" Jeremy asked nervously.
"No," Meredith sighed after a long moment of anticipation. "But you need to find someplace else to… to go on your dates. Not here, it's dangerous."
"There's nothing dangerous in here!" insisted Beth.
"There might be poison oak in the hay," chuckled Derek, which was followed with a muffled yelp of pain as Meredith's foot found its way to crush his.
"Are you being careful at least?"
"You mean protection? We're clean, we're exclusive. We are really in love," said Jeremy.
"Be that as it may, your father would surely know about your little romance if he was to greet a grandbaby into this world," Meredith said sourly.
Beth all but giggled. "We're safe, Dr. Grey. Condoms."
"Are you sure? I haven't seen any of you in the practice…"
"Doc, d'you think we'd buy them in the practice where anyone could see? We get them in a drug store in Vegas. I'm in the city with my father every week," Jeremy clearly rolled his eyes and added meaningfully, "People here talk, you know."
"Go away before I lose my patience!" Meredith hissed at them and they broke into a run, giggling, their hands inseparable. "Can't believe that just happened…"
"What are we going to tell her mother?" laughed Derek.
"Joyriders from the town up north?" she proposed. "You know which one, the one we hate."
"Young love…" Derek chuckled freely.
"Raging hormones, more like," she shrugged.
"You don't know it's just hormones, you don't know it's just sex," he said defensively.
"And you don't know them," Meredith pointed out.
"You don't know them that much either!" he snapped at her. "You don't know what's going in their heads. Neither in mine!"
"Derek, you don't love me," she stated firmly. "No, listen to me, you don't love me. It's only in your best interest if you don't harbor any romantic feeling for me whatsoever. I mean, we like each other, we're physically attracted to each other. We've got chemistry, and let's leave it like that."
"Why?" he gasped in incomprehension. "There's something special between us-"
"Not on my part, Derek," she said softly, though her voice couldn't be more hurtful to him. "I can't love you, no more than a friend."
"How do you know? Do you have feelings for any other man?" he asked, his deepest fears coming to the surface.
"No, there's no other man. And that's just the point. I can't love you because I'm emotionally unavailable."
"What does that even mean?" he spluttered.
"It means that I'm unable to feel that kind of love any more. I told you I was broken… scary and damaged. You were fine with that. You were fine with the fact that I might never trust you entirely. I do care for you though, and that's why I'm telling you, you don't love me."
"Really amazing how you can tell what's going on in my head and my heart," he snorted sarcastically. "I stayed here to think about my life, to change my life. And I think it's really happening. I think I've grown. I've grown enough to be able to tell a woman that I love her and really mean it. So don't tell me to go backwards and avoid my feelings!"
"I'm sorry," she whispered and he could tell she really meant it.
"You don't reciprocate my feelings, that's fine," he spat reaching out for her blindly. "But I'm not going to pretend I never said it or take it back. Because I meant it. I meant it and I will mean it every time I say it to you."
"Derek-"
"That's final, Meredith."
"I can't offer you anything else than… my friendship, care… and… sex."
"I can live with that," he declared self-assuredly, trying to convince himself more than her.
"Fine, then."
"Fine."
Her hand prickled suddenly as though electric currents flowed from his body, making her tingle. The atmosphere was once again sexually charged. At the mention of sex? As a result of their verbal sparring? Trying to get over the tension of the conversation they had just had? Whatever the reason the pull of attraction between them was as strong as ever. It was a good couple of hours later they surreptitiously left the dark barn of the Monroes, trying to scurry off unnoticed before the dawn and nearly running into Beth who was sneaking back into the house from her romantic rendezvous.
The very next morning Meredith came out of her office with her jaws set tight and a lobster-red flush on her face.
"What's wrong?" Derek asked taking in her disgruntled appearance.
"I've just talked to Mrs. Monroe on the phone," she said, her voice strained.
"Oh, she must be relieved after what you told her. A group of misbehaved youths, right?"
"Eh, yeah, only…" she trailed off.
"What?"
"Before I could calm her down, she told me that she heard the voices again last night. Only now they were louder and more aggressive. And she thought they would never stop…" she cleared her throat.
"What- Oh," he bit his lip as it dawned on him. "But she didn't…?"
"No," Meredith said quickly.
"I must say… this is a bit awkward…"
"That we're worse than a couple of teenagers? I guess it is…"
"It was still fun though-" he was interrupted by the boisterous appearance of Izzie.
"Morning everyone! Guess what I heard!" she looked at the expectantly.
"You-"
"What?"
They both stuttered, a flush creeping up on their cheeks.
"Ted Lawson and Carrie Moses got engaged!"
"Oh, that's fantastic!" Meredith beamed wildly and trotted off to her office.
"Great news," nodded Derek and hurried to his.
"What's wrong with them this time?" Izzie shrugged depositing her handbag on the counter. "They didn't even let me tell them about the ghosts on the Monroes' ranch…"
