The alien beast fell back onto its hind legs and made a whimpering sound, as if the Asian girl's words had wounded it. To Amy's eyes it resembled a furry kangaroo with a large head and long, retracted ears. Its wide eyes were surrounded by bluish-gray splotches, and its black button nose featured cavernous nostrils not unlike those of the natives.
"Awww," said Amy, hopping out of her cot. "You're such a cutie-schmootie."
"Cootie-schmootie," the animal repeated in a rumbling voice. "Cootie-schmootie, cootie-schmootie."
Amy put her hands over her mouth in delight. "You can talk!" she marveled.
"Cootie-schmootie," the rabbitoid said again. Its ears perked up, and their tips reached all the way to Amy's nose.
"Look, everybody!" she called out to her friends. "It's a giant talking rabbit! Let's call him Harvey."
"Lemme sleep," mumbled Leela, whose left wrist was once again fastened to the motionless Raven.
Hermes stuck his head out of his cot and blinked. "They don't talk, mon," he told Amy. "They only repeat words, like parrots."
Amy tickled the animal's tiny chin, and it squirmed with pleasure. "So you're just a big, furry parrot," she gushed. "What other words can you say?"
"Cootie-schmootie," it gurgled.
"No, something else," said Amy.
"Chanana," uttered the beast.
Amy sighed with exasperation. "I really need to find some clothes that aren't pink."
Yawning, Hermes spun his legs out of the cot and stood up. "I'm so hungry I could eat a five-pound steak," he boasted.
"I thought Rastafarians didn't eat meat," said Amy.
"Only the ultra-orthodox ones," said Hermes, "like my poor deluded wife."
"Good luck finding a five-pound steak on this planet," said Amy, stroking the friendly rabbitoid's fur. "The natives must be vegetarians. I haven't seen any kind of meat, or even a…"
A stranger burst into their hut, nearly knocking the bamboo-frame door from its iron hinges. He was a seven-foot hulk of a man, naked except for his loincloth and a flaxen shawl about his shoulders. His ears were pierced by what appeared to be oversized fishhooks, and the only hair on his head was a long beard that resembled a forest of bleach-blond spears. His face and demeanor were that of a slathering wolf.
"Who in Babylon are you?" Hermes blurted out.
With a frightful howl, the huge native launched his foot into the ribcage of the rabbitoid, sending the creature into a downward spiral. "Hey!" cried Amy. "Why did you do that?" The man only growled at her, while the injured animal crept into a corner, whining pitifully.
"Get away from her!" snapped Hermes, quickly putting on his glasses. "Raven! Amy's in danger! Do something!"
"I am doing something," said the ship/robot emotionlessly. "I'm increasing my weight to twelve tons to keep Leela out of danger."
Indeed, Leela had bolted out of her cot, and was straining with all her might to break the chain that bound her to Raven, who was now far too heavy for her to budge. "Touch her and I'll kill you!" the freckled girl shouted viciously. "I'll tear you to pieces!"
The snarling native turned his attention away from Amy, apparently intrigued by Leela's aggressive display. "Makupitu!" he roared, standing just outside the range of the girl's flying feet. "Makupitu! Makupitu!"
"Let me go, Raven!" yelled Leela, now a flurry of kicks and grunts. "Let me kill him! No one threatens my friends!"
"Makupitu!" repeated the tall man, waving his fists playfully. "Fight to the death!"
Amy and Hermes gaped at the sound. Even Leela paused in mid-kick.
"That was English," the Jamaican marveled.
"Fight to the death! Fight to the death!" The monstrous native grinned, seemingly gratified that he was being understood.
"So it's a fight to the death you want," Leela spat. "I'll give you one! Makupitu!"
To her surprise, the bearded man simply stood back and smiled. "Makupitu," he said, folding his arms.
Nobody moved or spoke as the native bounded away. They heard his elated cries as he sped toward the center of the village: "Makupitu! Makupitu!"
Leela was the first to break the stunned silence. "He did the smart thing by running away," she remarked. "I could've shredded him with just my feet."
"You're not shredding anyone, Leela," said Amy earnestly. "If you do, Delta will kill you. That's what she promised, isn't it?"
"None of your business," was Leela's bitter response.
The look on the redhead's face filled Amy with chagrin. With every passing day it had become less human and more demonic, even during those rare moments when she was calm. If we don't get rescued soon, she'll lose her mind, Amy thought. But is anybody even looking for us? Oh, Kiffy…
Oh, Amy, thought Captain Kif Kroker. I'll go to the end of the universe and beyond for you.
The eyes of all the bridge officers turned toward Kif as he walked slowly toward the captain's chair, followed by a quartet of odd visitors. "There's been a change of mission," he told his second-in-command, Mr. Spork. "The trade negotiations with Evil Emperor Zurg will have to wait. The Nimbus is going into uncharted space in search of the Planet Express ship Raven and her crew."
The pointy-eared first officer scowled. "But, sir," he pointed out, "every time we travel into uncharted space, something terrible and scientifically inexplicable happens to us."
"I'm aware of that," said Kif. "I do replay my logs from time to time."
"Captain!" exclaimed a faceless crewman. "Sensors are picking up a gigantic rodent on the bridge!"
"I see it," said Kif flatly.
Farnsworth the Rat scurried up to the uniformed green alien and sniffed him politely. "Before we leave," he requested, "would you be kind enough to run an internal diagnostic on the cheese replicators?"
"Make it so," Kif ordered one of his minions.
"And the beer replicators, too," Bender urged him. "Don't forget the beer replicators."
"We don't have beer replicators," Kif told him.
"Awww, man," moaned the robot.
Seeing the expression of uncertainty on Mildred's (Leela's) face, Foss took a moment to reassure her. "The Nimbus is one of the fastest ships in the fleet," he said. "Within a week's time we'll find the Raven crew and put you back in your own body, and you'll never have to deal with uncontrollable rages again. I promise you this."
"I just hope they're still alive," said Mildred. Either way, I win, she thought.
The Nimbus' mighty rocket engines roared to life, and the ship rose from the platform and into space, following a direct route towards the star Nubia Upsilon B.
I wish I could just get my hands around his neck, thought Leela. I'd rip off his head, then have Zoidberg sew it back on, then rip it off again…
It was, as Amy would put it, a sunsy day on the planet Selva. The Asian girl was sitting on a log with Leela, feeding one alien cracker after another to the hungry, shackled girl. "I wish I'd brought a bikini," said Amy wistfully. "This is perfect weather for sunsbathing. Aw, schmell. I'll just take it all off and lie in the grass."
"You go, girl," said Leela.
Just as Amy began to pull off her sweatshirt, a familiar fembot approached the log. "Oh, sorry, Delta," she said, covering herself.
"No, go ahead," said Delta. "You've got nothing I haven't seen before." She made a throat-clearing sound. "His Holiness, the Great God Kootooloo, requests the presence of all villagers at a town meeting, to be held at the pavilion this very minute, or sooner if possible."
"A town meeting?" said Amy, astonished. "All villagers? It must be important."
"He keeps telling me that he's waiting for the right moment to reveal to the natives that he's not a god," Delta mused. "Maybe this is that moment."
As she and Amy accompanied their robot friend to the pavilion, Leela wondered, "Once he steps down as god, who takes over?"
"Whoever was in charge before we showed up, I suppose," said Amy. "Probably the big guy from this morning. I can't see him taking orders from anyone."
A large crowd of villagers had assembled at the pavilion, most of them sitting on the yellowed grass. Zoidberg was seated in his throne, a bronze diadem adorning his head; to his left, the same hulking native who had frightened Amy towered over everything in sight.
"Just as I thought," said the Chinese girl. "Any minute now he's gonna take off his crown and…"
Zoidberg suddenly pointed a claw at Leela, exclaiming, "Zogax Kupura Makupitu!"
All the natives rose as one and began to cheer. "Makupitu! Makupitu!" they chanted, their gazes fixed on Leela. "Fight to the death! Fight to the death!"
"They're all speaking English now," Amy marveled.
"And I don't like the English they're speaking," added Delta.
Leela had never seen the mob in such a frenzied state, not even during the attempted sacrifice of a chanana. Zoidberg and the tall native at his side joined in the fray, howling and waving their fists. "Oh, God," she said, realizing the truth. "They've arranged a death match!"
"Yes, a death match," said Zoidberg to the three ladies minutes later, after he had dismissed the crowd. "Mortal combat, claw plagh, whatever you like to call it."
Leela glowered at the muscular giant, one thought and one thought alone going through her mind: I'm gonna get my chance.
"Kupura here is the tribe's mightiest warrior," Zoidberg went on. "He wants nothing more in life than to prove his mettle against a superior opponent, but no one dares to fight him. No one, that is, but the Evil One herself, Zogax."
"Zogax Makupitu!" the mighty Kupura roared to the heavens.
"Fine," said Leela peevishly. "I'll be Zogax, if it means I get to kill him."
Amy's jaw dropped. "Surely you're not serious!"
"I am serious," said Leela, hatred in her brown eyes. "And don't call me Shirley…or else."
Delta grabbed her firmly by the shoulder. "You know I'll have to kill you if you win this fight," she warned.
"Delta, no!" cried Amy.
"Delta, yes," the fembot retorted. "I promised Leela that if she ever lost her humanity and became an animal, I'd put her out of her misery."
"Call off the fight, mon," said Hermes, looking squarely into the lobster's eyes. "Call it off now."
"Hey, who's the god here?" said Zoidberg in an unruffled tone.
"Would you all shut up!" bellowed Leela.
Amy, Hermes, Delta, Zoidberg, Kupura, and everyone else within earshot fell silent.
Leela paused to catch her breath. "I can't help what I am," she said with what little calmness she could muster. "I'm a Chalnoth. Fighting and killing are what I live for, and this is my only outlet. I'm going through with the death match, and if you want to kill me for that, then get in line."
To be continued
