Chapter 32: Starting to Open Up
The darkness was impenetrable. The stars had already faded from the sky. It was quite cool, and Meredith readjusted the sheet that covered her naked body. Her skin felt a little damp and dewy, but she didn't mind. She leaned against the balcony railing and waited, taking in the sweet fresh air.
A bird started its song somewhere near but went immediately quiet as though disheartened by the ubiquitous silence. It was indeed dead silent. Dead? Not to Meredith. Perhaps it was solely her opinion, but she couldn't remember feeling more alive.
Her current emotional state was most peculiar. She was serene yet at the same time bubbling with energy, a newfound joy. It was coursing in her veins with such an intensity that it prevented her from her much needed and deserved sleep. They didn't collapse until the wee hours of the morning making love. She shivered but it was not from the cold. A tender smile lit up her face in the darkness as her thoughts strayed to Derek again. Or did they? That wasn't exactly accurate as he never really left her mind. She was overwhelmed by everything Derek. Not in a bad sense though. She was tingly, gooey, and warm inside, all because of him.
She bit her lip not to burst out in laughter, but a few soft chuckles escaped her as she remembered the state she left him in the bedroom. The room looked as though a hurricane ravaged right through it, it ravaged a path from the living room, leaving a terrible mess behind, and the staircase where all the pictures were now either hanging crookedly on the wall or lying on the floor. They started sweet and slow but it soon escalated to unbridled lust and passion, only to "cool off" during a slow round. And then they went wild again. Their sexual drive seemed to go through the roof. Derek certainly got a new lease of life after the declaration of her feelings. Their erotic marathon ended with them both collapsing with exhaustion and force of their multiple orgasms.
However, Meredith woke up for a reason not so long afterwards and even though she absolutely craved sleep, her mind was reeling with the magnitude of the events that transpired between her and Derek in the course of the last hours. Giving his shamelessly sprawled body a quick look, she briefly contemplated waking him up for more sex but finally decided against it. He was sleeping peacefully after such an emotional and tiring day. So, she untangled a sheet from the messy heap that landed on the floor while they were in the throes, wrapped it around her and tiptoed out of the bedroom. She entered the adjacent room and slipped out onto the balcony.
The serenity of the moment was mightily conducive to do some serious thinking. But her brain was never that chaotic or confused. Things between her and Derek were nowhere near light, casual of friendly any longer. As if they had ever been just that. The man lying asleep in the next room seemed to be breaking all her resolves one by one since he set his foot in Rachel. She fought him kicking and screaming, literally, but he broke past her defenses with a staggering ease. Knowing him, he would now be trying to make their relationship permanent. And she was scared to death of anything permanent. She pressed her eyes closed in attempt to banish her very chaotic musings from her head. She stayed like that, listlessly, for a long time, until she sensed more. Unsurprisingly, when her eyes popped open, she saw Derek leaning against the doorframe.
"Hey," she murmured softly. She didn't have to try to speak louder, you'd hear a pin dropped to the floor.
"Hey," he replied equally gently. "I thought you'd ran away."
She let out a small chuckle. She knew he meant it teasingly but there was no doubt a hint of underlying insecurity. She didn't think she could remedy that; she couldn't promise she'd never run or avoid. That would be a lie and she didn't want to lie to him. But she was already lying to him by omission-
"I didn't run away," she whispered. "Just couldn't sleep. Sun is going to rise soon. You can't really see it from here but- I like this moment you know? The silence- just before it dawns-"
She couldn't help smiling as he trotted to her, barefoot, buck-naked, and wild-haired.
"You're gonna get cold," she chuckled.
"I would hope you let me warm up with you," he murmured.
She opened the sheet for him to sneak with her and slipped behind her pulling her flush to his chest.
"Uh, you're freezing!" she squeaked, shivering and rubbing against him to get warmer. "Except one part I see-" she snickered feeling his morning wood stirring to life against her.
He nuzzled as snuggly against her as he could, his taller and wider body embracing her from behind.
"Tell me again," he pleaded quietly into her ear.
"Tell you what?" she asked coyly.
"Tell me you love me," he demanded more strongly, his hands beginning to roam over her flanks and stomach.
"You love me," she teased him with a tiny breathless giggle. His skillful touch was reigniting the spark of desire, it jumped along her skin straight to her core like an electric current.
"Tease," he huffed, amusement mingling with lust in his low voice.
She allowed herself to enjoy his reverent caresses and hungry kisses for a few minutes and when he didn't prompt her again to tell him she loved him, she said softer than a breeze, "I love you."
Meredith could discern his smile broadening in the darkness. "That's the best news I've ever heard."
"Is it?" she chuckled in reply. "What if you were told you'd just been chosen the chief of surgery?"
He let out a half-snort, half-chuckle. "It would mean nothing compared to hearing those three little words from you, nothing at all."
Surely most women would swoon and be happy beyond their dreams at this admission but what Meredith felt could be described as a twinge of fear. She willed herself to stifle all the outward symptoms indicating she would want nothing else than to bolt the scene and to cover her awkwardness she threw her arms around his neck and locked their lips in a drugging kiss.
She was going to hurt him again sometime soon, she knew it. She was going to say she didn't want permanent, and he would feel hurt and rejected just like when she told him she'd never love him. That was why she put all her heart, all her effort, as she kissed and lapped and played with his tongue. She gently maneuvered him backwards and pushed on his shoulders ushering him to sit down on one of the garden chairs.
The sheet they were both entangled with fell to the floor uncovering their bodies to the brisk night-early morning air as she climbed his lap to straddle him, not at all bothering to be gracious or sexy. Derek released a throaty unhurried moan anyway when her hot core stopped deliciously close above his erect length.
His arms snaked around her sensuously molding her frame against his, greedy for the skin-on-skin contact. She breathed out a soft sigh, every time she was in his arms felt it like returning home after a long journey.
They kissed some more, with sweet slow-paced intensity, and one of his strong hands grasped her thigh guiding her onto him slowly. She slid down on his manhood with a quiet moan, eliciting a breathless grunt out of him. Their foreheads met, their eyes gazing into each other's hypnotically, as they resumed their intimate dance of push and pull with confidence and assuredness that was nearly stoical. No words were exchanged as they worked their way towards the height of pleasure. For once, they weren't needed, their body language spoke volumes. It was quite paradoxical really, how the three words of love had unlocked this wordless understanding, visceral harmony.
Their tempo increased instinctually as they reached closer and closer to their goal. Derek inched towards the edge of the chair to achieve a better angle. Unknowingly to both of them the garden chair shook under their combined weight but luckily resisted the pressure of two lovers.
Meredith tore her eyes from his diluted pupils momentarily and became instantly mesmerized by the sight of his length disappearing deep inside her with slick little noises. She didn't have the time to enjoy the erotic spectacle for long as it pushed her off the edge. Her eyes rolled back inside her skull, briefly catching the sky that was turning more and more blue as she threw her head back, the fire in her core exploding and consuming the rest of her body.
She must have taken him right with her towards the blissful completion as he went taut like a string, groaned, and shook with his sweet release. Burying his head into the crook of her neck when the muscles of his body went lax.
First golden rays penetrated through the trees to land on the side of her face and her right shoulder in orangey spots.
"I think you've just missed the sunrise," he said softly, willing the relaxed muscles of his to hold her up on his legs.
"I think not," she answered with a tender smile as she traced the light creeping up on his skin. A bird somewhere in the vicinity unabashedly announced the birth of new day.
"I thought the church was a must in the Sunday schedule," Derek chuckled as he followed Meredith on a winding path carved in a lush vegetation that sprouted along the banks of the river east from Rachel.
They spent a few hours in bed after their outdoor lovemaking, mostly catching up on sleep. Thankfully for them no one seemed to be in the need of medical assistance. They were both in a hazy dreamy state that wasn't conducive to treating patients successfully. After a bit of a debate as to what they should do with the rest of their day, Meredith put forward a proposition to take him fishing.
"After last night, I don't think I can come near a church without sinfully blushing in shame," she laughed, and he joined in. "I thought a true man could fish," she added teasingly. She could almost see his lips thinning in a pout at her jab.
"So, I'm a lesser man because I don't fish?" he chortled stopping beside Meredith when they reached a tiny clearing overlooking the water, surrounded by dense bushes from every side. Any offense that Meredith's attempts at making fun at the cost of his masculinity might have caused, vanished into thin air as he watched her spread her arms and take in a deep long breath, her eyes closed. The air here was quite bracing thanks to the shade provided by the clump of trees and the proximity of the river.
"I remember my dad taking me fishing," Derek sighed at the wave of reminiscences flooding him. "I haven't done that since."
"Oh, I'm sorry-" she turned to him apologetically. It had been her intention to tease him, she knew well enough he wasn't an outdoor guy. She didn't want him to rehash bad memories though.
"It's okay," he assured her taking the two fishing rods off his shoulder and putting the box with the rest of the equipment to the ground. "How is it that you can fish?" he chuckled. "Let me guess, William-"
"William," she nodded at the same time.
"I wish he was alive; I'd like to meet him-"
"Then you wouldn't be here," she reminded him reasonably.
"I wouldn't-" he agreed pensively. "Meredith, what does this mean?"
She let out a small laugh that she hoped didn't sound too fake. "The last time you asked me that, you were standing in the middle of the kitchen, butt-naked with your pajama bottoms around your ankles."
"I'm serious," he rolled his eyes as she squatted and started to take out hooks and bait from the box. "Last night changed everything."
"Not everything, Derek," she disagreed, calm finality in her voice. "I admit, we're in love- or whatever- But it doesn't change the fact that we lead two different lives."
She sighed seeing his bewildered stare. "Hello, New York, Nevada?"
"We could come up with something-"
"With what exactly? Don't chase the impossible, Derek."
"The impossible?" he chuckled. "What does impossible mean exactly? You'd told me you'd never love me and here we are-"
"We are here," she nodded, unfazed. She had known it would be his argument. "We're here right now. But soon we won't be. Trying to establish anything permanent between us would require one of us totally uprooting our life."
"I guess-" he sighed impatiently, running his hand through his hair in frustration. "But-"
"I'm sorry, Derek, I won't ever do that for you."
"I'm not asking you to," he said quickly, fighting a little pang in his heart. "I can-"
"While you have a great career in New York," she cut him off again, her face an epitome of calmness and reason. "You can't quit that; you'd come to resent everything and everyone here."
"Fine, then, we could see each other from time to time. A long-distance relationship, they do work out for some people," he argued but he felt himself that he was catching at the straws. "I'll be more than happy to come back here, and maybe you could fly to New York occasionally, now Owen-"
"No," she interrupts him coldly, and he almost flinched at the cold quality of her voice. "I could never go back to New York."
He frowned at her, deep incomprehension painting on his face.
Her own expression softened. "I know some people do well with that long distance thingy, but let's be honest, we are not that people. We're greedy, passionate, we want it all. We would be able to see each other- what, once, twice a year? You're a surgeon, Derek, your life isn't your own. I have a huge workload here as well- and-" she trailed off, her heart beating wilder by the second. She was this close from telling him- telling him everything.
"You could never go back to New York?" he prompted her questioningly.
"I'd lived a couple of years in New York before coming here-" she answered dryly, her eyes looking up at him sharply, "and I have nothing but loathing for that place. I left the goddamn city three years ago and haven't set my foot there since."
"That's-" he began, pacing a little.
"That's what?" she asked somewhat defensively.
"That's kind of-" he smiled briefly. "We lived in the same city; we could have passed each other on the street."
"New York is a metropolis," she said resignedly. If he knew how close they had been- It was actually a miracle they had never met before. But she did take a step away from surgery taking the job at the pharmaceutical company.
"Yeah," he smiled shaking his head in wonder.
She was grateful he didn't ask about the reasons behind her hatred for the Big Apple. But she felt guilty, oh so guilty for keeping them from him-
"That's why you disliked me so much at the beginning?" he asked lightly. "Because I was from New York?"
"Maybe partly because of that," she shrugged. "I disliked you mainly because you were acting like an ass."
"I confess," he burst out laughing.
"Derek, I meant it when I said I'd never go back there again," she stated clearly. "If I could, I would have at least visited-"
"Whom?" he asked sitting down, having propped the fishing rods against a tree.
Meredith took a deep breath. She was torn between two emotions. She wanted to be sincere with him, but an invisible force was strangling her throat.
"I have family back there," she breathed out casting her eyes down shamefully. "My father, stepmother. My two sisters, one of them had a baby, a daughter, shortly after I left. I've never seen her other than on a photograph- and Molly named her after me- Laura Meredith."
"Oh, Mer," he sighed taking her hand in his. He couldn't deny he was eager to hear Meredith's story, she was sharing a lot about her past with him since forever. However, he could clearly see why she was reluctant to do it. Her face was now trying hard to mask the pain. "You haven't seen your family for three years?"
"I have. My dad and Susan, that's my stepmother, came here for Easter. So has Lexie. They come when they can. But Molly, she's the youngest, she has Laura. Her husband is overseas, he's in the army. She can't just pack up and fly across the continent. So, I haven't seen her for three whole years. I feel awful with that, but I can't- They don't blame- they're my family, the reason I always had some humanity in me-"
She laughed bitterly seeing his puzzled disbelieving look.
"You are so lucky you didn't know me back in New York."
"Why is that? I'd love to have met you earlier," he sighed.
"You wouldn't have loved the former me, trust my judgment," she laughed again. "In short, I was a cold-hearted bitch. Honestly, do you think nice people have a temper like mine?"
"Well-" he said pensively. Meredith was explosive, but he would never call her cold-hearted. "I don't think I can imagine you differently than the wonderful woman you are. Sure, you're- stubborn, complicated, and independent but you're caring; I see how you care about people."
"That means I learned my lesson well," she cleared her throat and got to her feat. She was getting way too close to the dangerous waters for her comfort. "Will you hook up the bait or are you too squeamish to do that?" she asked indicating a can of worms.
He wanted to hear more, he needed to hear more, to know what her harsh life lesson was. He understood it was an event that shaped her into the person she was today. He also knew he didn't have a right to push her further. She was emotionally drained; her eyes were telling him so. "I'm not squeamish, I'm a surgeon," he hissed pretending to be offended, playing along to her game. "Why are we going fishing in the afternoon? Even I know the daybreak is the best time."
"Oh, well, I'll remember in the future you'd rather go fishing than have morning sex with me."
Meanwhile, a dark-haired woman with a soft smile tinged with sadness got off a cab in front of one of Las Vegas' hotels. It was a pricy one, but she would be staying for a night only. Besides, a new era was starting for her, an era in which she was to live her life to the fullest. She reckoned she could as well indulge herself.
Her suitcase was small, but she didn't need to take her whole New York apartment with her, they had gowns at the hospital after all. Having come inside, she paused to take in the splendid interior. It was beautiful and luxurious, yet she a had hard time appreciating it. She felt weary- Both at the prospect of her near future and the battle she was certain her friend would put up. She shook herself from her stupor determinedly as she resumed her walk. This was no time for second thoughts. She had made her decision.
"Welcome to Hotel Mirage," the receptionist smiled charmingly from across the counter. "How may I help you?"
"I have a reservation," she answered softly. "Helen Crawford."
