Hours turned into days, and days turned into more days. To kill time, Captain Kroker met with his passengers and swapped stories of adventure in outer space.

"Kif, tell us about some of the terrible and scientifically inexplicable things that happened to you while exploring uncharted space," said Farnsworth the Rat, who was cooling his hind paws in the Nimbus' swimming pool.

"Oh, where shall I start?" mused the captain. "Once, while we were exploring the Gamma Pirogi system, some aliens hit us with a ray that made our hair turn into snakes. And not just the hair on our heads, but all the hair on our bodies. Captain Brannigan was so horrified, he didn't know what to do. He finally put me in charge, as I don't have any hair."

Foss, Mildred, Bender, and Farnsworth chuckled with delight. "Tell us another one," Foss requested.

"In the Sigma Deltoid system, the ship passed through an energy cloud that caused everyone aboard to be switched to the opposite gender—except for Captain Brannigan. Well, I don't need to tell you how awkward that was for the crew, or how enjoyable for the captain. To me it was nothing special, as gender changes among my people are fairly common. I myself, as a child, turned into a girl for a week by sticking my finger in an electric socket."

"Keep 'em coming, Kif," Farnsworth urged.

"Naw," said Bender. "Tell us more about what happened in the Sigma Deltoid system, and don't spare us the gory details."

"Captain!" exclaimed the voice of Mr. Spork from the overhead speakers. "You and your friends may want to come to the bridge. We've found the Raven."


With the massive starship Nimbus floating over the trees behind him, Zoidberg stood in the pavilion and delivered his final address to the gathered Selvan natives. "The celestial chariot has descended to retrieve me," he stated. "Someday I may come back, but until then there must be no regrets, no tears, no anxieties. Just go forward in all your beliefs, and prove to me that I am not mistaken in mine."

A native woman stepped up and bowed before him. "We'll miss you, O great Lord Kootooloo," she said somberly. "We'll miss the comfort of having a divine authority figure to relieve us of the responsibility of making our own choices."

"Please don't leave without imparting of your wisdom!" a male villager shouted.

"Very well," said Zoidberg, clearing his throat. "People who are different from you are not necessarily evil. Steel is stronger than iron. Leeches don't cure anything. Nuclear power has peaceful uses. VHS good, Betamax bad. Never doubt that a small group of committed individuals can bring back an animated series after its cancellation."

At the entrance to the Nimbus' boarding elevator, Kif waited with Amy, Hermes, Leela, Raven, and the reassembled Delta for the conclusion to Zoidberg's farewell. "Geesh," complained Amy, glancing at the stone column that served as a timepiece. "He's been talking for, like, two whole inches already."

"How'd you find us so quickly, mon?" Hermes asked the green-skinned captain.

"We were lucky," Kif replied. "Knowing beforehand the amount of fuel a ship of Raven's class can carry, we estimated the point in space at which she was likely to run out, and searched the inhabitable planets nearest that point. I might have enlisted the help of Varuna from my planet's psychic caste, but she recently drank some expired milk and turned into a man."

"I'm gonna miss this planet and these people," said Leela. "This is where I realized my lifelong dream of killing a guy for being a son of a bi-"

"Here he comes!" exclaimed Delta. Zoidberg was scuttling in their direction, the royal robe still draped around his shoulders.

"Good," said Kif with a sigh of gratification. "Everyone's here."

"So, Your Holiness," said Hermes facetiously, "how do you think your subjects will cope while you're gone?"

"Oh, they'll be fine," said the lobster. "Just as I was leaving, a fight broke out over whether I would return in great glory or in the guise of an ordinary person, but I'm certain they'll come to an understanding before long."

After they boarded, the ship's chief medical officer subjected Zoidberg to an examination. "These particular parasites seem to thrive on Decapod physiology," he explained. "They can't survive without certain nutrients found in the planet's soil, so they'll eventually die out, and you'll revert to your old self."

"You mean I won't be impervious to injury anymore?" Zoidberg asked him.

"That's right, bucko," answered the CMO. "But hell, who wants to live forever?"

"I do," said Zoidberg glumly.

Elsewhere on the Nimbus, Kif facilitated the reunion of Hermes, Leela, Amy, and Delta with Bender, Foss, Mildred, and Farnsworth. "I have just one question to ask," said Amy. "Does anyone know what happened to the professor?"

"I'm the professor," replied the giant rat.

Amy's heart burst with joy, and tears came to her eyes. "Oh, professor!" she gushed, throwing her arms around the rodent. "I'm so glad you're alive! Ewww! I'm hugging a rat!"

Leela and Mildred gazed at each other, or rather, at themselves. "If I can't have my body, then no one will have it," said Leela threateningly.

"Before you kill me," said Mildred, "you may want to listen to what Philaster has to say."

Foss approached them, holding a tiny black device with a single button between his fingers. "Your troubles are over, Leela," he said, and pressed it.

A second went by, and an expression of intense elation swept over Leela's (Mildred's) freckled face. "It's…it's gone," she marveled. "The rage…the urge to kill…it's completely gone!"

"Oh, happy day!" said Delta. "I won't have to kill you after all!"

"I have one for Captain Brannigan as well," said Foss, pressing an identical device into Kif's hand.

"Okay, Philaster," said Mildred. "I've waited long enough. How did you convince Mr. Burns to give you a chip controller?"

"I'll tell you when we get back to Earth," said Foss.

Leela, overjoyed, hurried into the ladies' washroom. There she looked into the mirror at the round face and mass of curly red hair that stared back at her. I'm in Mildred's body, and there's no rage, she thought. I've got two eyes, I'm not a guy, I'm in great physical shape…where's the downside?

The one-eyed, purple-haired Mildred entered the room after her. "I hope you won't hate me," she said, "but we didn't bring a body switcher with us."

Leela shrugged. "Yeah, whatever."


On Earth, inside the CMB Research tower, the head of Charles Montgomery Burns eagerly looked over the schematics in a notebook which an employee was holding open for him. "Oh, yes, yes," he said. "Excellent, excellent. Philaster Foss is such a dope. By turning his Fossinator technology over to me in exchange for a pair of chip controllers, he unknowingly gave me the power to rule the entire world! Muwahaha! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


THE END