Chapter 38: Get Used to It

Derek deeply inhaled the evening air. The dew was rising and slowly soaking the blanket on which they were sprawled but they didn't mind. They were savoring the peace of the moment. Lexie had gone home the previous day. For the first time in a week, they didn't go to Vegas. They were finally undisturbed and alone. And it felt damn good.

They had had a picnic dinner in their sheltered backyard and after a thoroughly fulfilling dinner, followed with a delicious dessert they lied down, their legs sticking out of the blanket. They rested in intimate silence; their fingers intertwined. They reached the stage when words were no longer needed to feel comfortable with each other. The moment seemed so magical, uncomplicated.

Suddenly, a soft giggle rose in Meredith's throat. She turned her head left to face him upside-down. "You've been here all this time already and I've never asked you."

"Asked me what?" he smiled. How could he not smile looking at her amused face? The smile on her lips automatically induced his.

"Do you believe in aliens?"

"That's random," he laughed out.

"Not really, we're in an alien spot," she shrugged. "Rachel lives off the so-called UFO sightings… oh, which I remember you called BS."

"Now you're gonna pick on me for what I said when we met?" he quipped with feigned indignation.

"I'm here for business, maybe a bit of pleasure," she lowered her voice mocking him. "Seriously? Does that ever work for you?"

He tried to stop himself from laughing as he lunged for a sweet upside down kiss of punishment. "I think it worked this time just fine," he breathed out.

"Yeah, right," she snorted. "I hated every word that came out of your mouth!"

"Oh, yeah? So, what did sweep you off your feet?"

"Hmm," she pursed her lips pretending to consider her answer. "Must have been the free entertainment. The lice, the-"

"You're asking for it!" he growled scooting around and pinning her with his weight.

"I'm asking for what?" she looked up at him smugly. "You're a bit indisposed at the moment, aren't you?"

"That was low!" he grumbled moving off her to plop to the ground on his back heavily. The last few days were hard, literally, as Meredith insisted putting little Derek on time out in order to fully recover.

"Think of something else," she giggled.

"The aliens?"

"Why not? They're quite asexual," she shrugged.

"What, do you believe in them?" he asked amusedly.

"I don't believe in flying saucers and all that commercialized stuff but just look up. It's hard to believe we're alone given the fact that universe is infinite."

"Sounds reasonable," he admitted. He took another deep breath and chuckled softly.

"Hm?" Meredith glanced at him questioningly.

"I feel…"

"What?"

"Rain in the air…"

She looked deep into his eyes in the feeble light that was coming from the house. "I feel it too."

They laid listlessly for a couple of minutes until they felt the first drops falling down from the sky.

They didn't run, just unhurriedly picked up their belongings and strolled to the kitchen through the back door, welcoming the rain on their skin.

"Your phone," Meredith remarked pointing at his cell that was all lit up and vibrating on the table. "I'll start the bath," she smiled kissing him briefly on the lips. "Don't take long."

"I won't," he nodded huskily before looking at the screen. However, his good mood vanished when he spotted the caller's ID. He was not expecting that call. He was living in a happy bubble for the last few days, the last few weeks, almost two months really. And now he was brutally brought down to earth.

"Chief Jenkins?"

"Good evening, Derek, you sound surprised," he said stiffly. He was probably still displeased with him from taking two months off work. "No one in the hospital has heard from you in ages, so I decided to personally make sure that my head of neuro is still alive."

"I am," Derek chuckled forcibly. "I've just… I've been busy, things have been busy down here."

"In some run-down town in Nevada?" Jenkins's voice became dangerously strained. "Derek, you haven't even checked on your own department for weeks! What am I supposed to think? Being away doesn't mean abandoning your people."

"I… no excuse, sir," Derek sighed heavily. His people? He liked his colleagues, the doctors he worked with. Why did he suddenly feel as though he no longer belonged with them. New York Pres seemed a lifetime away.

"I've been grooming you for the position of the chief for years, you should know better," chastised him Jenkins. "I hope this madness ends with your return. I won't be always this lenient. I'm giving you a chance here, Derek, don't blow it."

"Yes, sir," he nodded mechanically, a very discomfiting sense of dread overcoming him.

"Betty booked a flight for you, next Friday. Call her for details," Jenkins went on.

"Next Friday?" Derek asked quietly.

"Yes, you'll have two days to reacclimatize before the conference starts on Monday. I'm counting on you to deliver a brilliant opening speech."

Derek felt as though he was kicked in the balls again. Apparently, the details of his return were all settled, next Friday… he was supposed to leave… And the damn conference, he completely forgot about the damn speech. He had nothing, zero, and there was no chance he could work his way out of this.

"Of course, Chief," he sighed resignedly.


"I have no idea what to talk about," Derek sighed the next morning, browsing through medical articles on his laptop.

"Does the conference have a theme?" Meredith asked over her cup of coffee. She had reacted to the news of his impending departure very stoically, as if she was expecting it all along. Apparently, she didn't lose sight of realities.

"No."

"There you go, you can choose whatever you feel most comfortable with," she said encouragingly. "Whatever you want."

"That's just my point," he shut down the laptop and looked at her. "I don't feel like doing this at all."

"Derek…" she began warningly.

"I feel so detached from New York," he shrugged. "I'd love more nothing else than to stay-"

"Don't, don't finish that sentence," she shook her head. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I do!" he argued. "Would it be so wrong if I didn't come back? What, you think I can't change my life like you did?"

"Derek, you are… dazed with everything, with how different life here is. It's a welcome break. But you have a family there, you have your job, everything you've worked for. And you love that job, you're nowhere near ready to just quit it. Don't you miss your office, your hospital? Your friends, your team? Feeling in control in the OR, saving lives? Cutting?"

Derek swallowed as the images fleeted through his brain.

"You do miss it, and that's okay," she assured him as she got up from the table and walked out of the kitchen. She reappeared seconds later with a stack of print-outs in her arms. "I hope… I hope you don't mind, I've read a couple of your articles… and… I did some notes. Not that I was trying to correct you or something, these were really brilliant in my opinion, too theoretical maybe, I'd go for practice, but brilliant nevertheless. Maybe it'll help you find some inspiration for that speech."

"Oh," he breathed out glancing at his own work blended with Meredith's neat energetic writing.

"Maybe you should stay home today," she offered, avoiding his eyes as she put her plate into the sink.

His head shot up from the notes he was perusing. "What for?"

"You have work, you know it's bad to leave it until the last moment."

"I'll get this done; I have a lot of time-"

"It's not just about that, Derek," she interrupted him gravely. "We might need to start getting used to…"

"Getting used to what?" he whispered.

"The fact that you're not going to be around much longer. It's a change for both of us," she said softly, rendering him temporarily mute. "I'll manage on my own today," she cleared her throat, patted him on the shoulder and picked up her bag. "I'll see you later, Der."

"Yeah," he managed to reply gloomily, sitting rigidly in his chair and watching her go.


It wasn't even lunch time when Meredith plopped on a barstool, her hands cradling her throbbing head. It was a terrible day. She didn't see that many patients, mind you, but Derek's absence in the practice took a toll on her. It just wasn't the same without him, his banter, his chuckle. The stupid brain man managed to get her addicted to him. However, she didn't regret her idea to leave him at home. Soon, he'd be in another state, three hours of time difference away. It was time to accept it. Perhaps the practice wouldn't seem that empty and lifeless with Owen on board?

"Hey, where's McDreamy?" Cristina appeared on the other side of the counter.

"Wow, that's a change of heart. You see me and the first thing you say is about Derek?" Meredith tried to quip.

"Are you fighting?" the Asian asked shrewdly.

"No, why would you think that?"

"Because you're avoiding giving an answer to a simple question?"

"I'm not avoiding anything," Meredith rolled her eyes. "No, we're not fighting. Derek's working."

"Hmm," Cristina still eyed her with suspicion. "Should I save him a salad?"

"He's working at home," Meredith sighed in defeat. "His… his boss called him last night to remind him about a conference speech he's to give… after his return."

"There it is. So, nothing changed on that front?"

"What was there to change?" Meredith shrugged softly.

"Dr. Grey," a woman greeted her in passing. "How's it going? Where's Dr. Shepherd?"

"He's… at work," Meredith nodded with a brief smile.

"Well, he might have wanted to stay and live a fulfilling life of a real doctor," Cristina went on when the lady moved away.

"He is a real doctor, Cris," Meredith chastised her.

"Not that I'm campaigning for him to stay, that would be against Owen's interests. Well, I guess he'd always could take the vet job. Or Derek could take the vet job."

Meredith snorted into her coffee, spilling it on the counter. "Yeah, I can already see that, and his face when he hears that offer."

"You don't mind covering for a vet," shrugged Cristina.

"That's not the point. Derek is a great surgeon, that's his job, that's what he loves doing and what he's exceptionally good at. I won't even suggest that he throws it all away."

"Mer," Cristina sighed leaning forward over the counter. "Has it ever crossed your mind that you might not be giving him enough credit?"

"What?"

"You might be taking away the choice from him, a choice he has a right to make. Don't you think he's capable of chucking away a lucrative prestigious career for something else that he loves? Or perhaps you're afraid that given the choice he won't choose you or he will resent you if he decides to stay?"

Meredith flinched in shock, elbowing a bowl of peanuts onto the floor.

"Careful here, Dr. Grey," chuckled Mr. Livingston who was making his way to one of the tables with his wife. "Didn't break," he smiled at her picking up the bowl.

"I'm sorry," Meredith gave out a short, forced laugh. "I'm such a klutz!"

"Dr. Grey," Mr. Livingston stepped closer nervously. "I noticed Dr. Shepherd hasn't been at the practice all that often. I hope he's well?"

"Yeah, he's… he's well…" Meredith cleared her throat.

"Good, because I need… advice and… I hope you're not offended, I'd just prefer Dr. Shepherd…"

"To give you blue pills, right?" Cristina finished for him deftly.

"I.. uhm," he flushed embarrassedly. "I'll come to the practice tomorrow…"

"See what you're doing to the poor guy," Cristina asked Meredith with a smirk. "You'll ruining his sexual life if you send Derek back."

"I'm not-"

However, she was interrupted by another customer who came up to the bar. This time it was Chloe Bishop, the patient she and Derek went to see the memorable day of their first kiss.

"Cristina! Dr. Grey! Guess what! We've finally set the date!" she beamed at them both. "Jake and me are getting married on January 16th! I'll send you the proper invitations of course but I wanted to tell you personally. You must absolutely come! And Dr. Shepherd!"

"Oh, they're all going to experience a disappointment of the century," Cristina shook her head when Chloe rejoined her fiancé at their table. "They were expecting you to become the next Mrs. Shepherd."

"Cristina-"

"So did I, to be honest," sighed Cristina. "Well, you might have an occasion to spill the beans tomorrow."

"What's tomorrow?" asked Meredith, her mind blank.

"Mer, The Bonfire Night," Cristina replied with an air of amused compassion and pity.

"Great," Meredith muttered and forced herself to make the way back to the practice.


Derek's morning was equally frustrating and no less busy. He washed the dishes after breakfast and got himself the second cup of coffee. He sat down at the table and browsed through the files on his laptop. He looked out of the window as a car passed by. He flexed his fingers over the keyboard and stared at the blank Word page. Then he remembered to check if Bert had enough water in his bowl. He sat back and stared at the blank page. It came to his attention that he didn't check his mail in days and it was worth a look. He sighed battling pop-up ads for a minute, checked the weather and watched a trailer of some upcoming movie. Then, he stared at the blank page that was supposed to transform into his presentation. He jotted down some random words hoping they would give him new ideas and stood up to stretch his legs. He peered out again, leaning his forehead against the windowpane that was only slightly cooler than the air.

Since that dreadful call from Jenkins, he felt as if he was drowning. As if he was on a train speeding faster and faster into a precipice and he wasn't able to stop it or get out. Everything inside him was screaming in protest. He'd like to stomp his foot and pout.

If he was the head of neuro at NY Presbyterian it was his duty and obligation to get back to the Big Apple, back to work, away from Rachel and its unique world. He spent all his life in New York, all his life, and for the first time he wasn't looking forward to going home. Home…? Could he still call NY home? Would he be able to feel at home without Meredith?

What was the alternative though? Moving to Nevada permanently? It did cross his mind, for sure, but to seriously consider it… He'd have to move away from his entire family, his friends. He could already imagine his sisters' faces at the news he was going to relocate to a minuscule town of over a hundred inhabitants. What would he do with his apartment? Sell it? Rent it? And his career… He would no longer be the head of department at one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country. He would be a surgeon only occasionally. No more conferences, crazy working hours, hospital power plays… He'd have to give up one of his dreams, becoming a chief of surgery.

Instead, he'd have a shot at life with Meredith, the woman he loved to distraction. Or would he? She had made her position on the subject very clear. She was adamant he had to go. What if he just acted against her wishes? He'd got this far, if he only had more time…

There was also a fear in his heart. Would he be able to break the last of Meredith's defenses? She had been hurt in such a cruel way, treated like an object. The last two months didn't wipe out the pain, the distrust, the weariness. Somewhere in the back of his mind he feared she would never be free from that burden.

He was at a loss about what to do. He obviously couldn't' discuss it with Meredith. He didn't want to worry his mother or throw his sisters into a tizzy. So, he called the one person from whom no one should hear life advice.

"Shep! You're alive!" Derek heard Mark's laugher on the other side of the line.

He rolled his eyes, chuckling lightly, "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Lots of rumors circulating in the corridors. According to one, you've been killed by a one-armed man who turned you into a shish kebab. Others say you've quit your job to lead a life of a whale in Las Vegas. Jenkins is happy his favorite boy is returning. Man, so glad to hear you're back next week."

"Oh?" Derek coughed to cover his momentary awkwardness.

"I mean, so much has happened when you were away." Mark's voice turned oddly sparkling.

"What happened?"

"Not… not on the phone…"

"That doesn't sound good," frowned Derek.

"But it is, man, it is… It's kinda personal. You're gonna be shell-shocked. Heck, I still am. I haven't said a word to anyone about it. I wasn't sure… how everyone would react…"

"God, Mark, have you undergone a gender reassignment surgery?" quipped Derek.

"Ha-ha. Was that supposed to be funny?" Mark sounded grossly offended.

"What's the deal, Mark?"

"I'll tell you when you're here…" Sloan trailed off to take up on a softer note. "Man, you've been missed. I mean, nurses miss you… Anyway, is there a particular reason you're calling?"

"No," Derek cleared his throat. "Just… wanted to catch up."

Derek couldn't bring himself to even bring up the issue that was occupying his mind. Mark wouldn't understand anyway…

Once they hung up, he silently took his place at the kitchen table and started to read Meredith's notes in search of inspiration.