Chapter 39: Not Giving Up
"You're calling this lunch? It's not lunch, it wouldn't be enough to feed a dead cat! Do I look like I need a diet?"
"No, ma'am…"
Derek chuckled, leaning against the doorframe to Helen's room. "Terrorizing the poor staff again, Dr. Crawford?"
"I'm not terrorizing anyone," Helen rolled her eyes. The nurse took the advantage of Derek's sudden appearance to scurry out of the room. "I hope you have something for me, Derek."
He laughed out loud, shaking his head as he came in deposited a bag of provisions onto her bed.
"You never fail, Dr. Shepherd," Helen murmured with approval.
A kind of bitter snort escaped his throat as he shuffled his feet walking to the window.
"Derek? What's wrong?" Helen's voice lost its teasing quality on behalf of genuine concern. "I… I noticed that Meredith hasn't showed up for the three days. I know well enough what it means in her case – she's avoiding. Tell me, have there been any post-op complications?"
"What? No," he assured her quickly. "Your surgery was a complete success, I promise."
"Then, what is the matter?"
"My plane takes off at 1:30 next Friday," he answered hollowly.
"You promised me something, Derek. I might have been sprawled out on the operating table, but I was completely sane, and I do remember every word that was spoken."
"I know what I promised," he sighed in frustration. "I've promised this to myself. But… she doesn't want me here."
"Don't be ridiculous, she lo-"
"She loves me, agreed. But when it comes to trust, she can't commit. Whatever I say or do, she's always going to be looking over her shoulder when it comes to our relationship. She knows that and she doesn't even want to try. She can't help it," he hung his head down, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"So that's it? You're gonna give up?" she bombarded him with questions.
"I don't… I don't know what I can do," he shrugged, exhaustion painting on his face.
"Meredith is a force to be reckoned with," Helen chuckled. "She's always had that way about her, to make people do what she wants them to do. You don't have to let her, Derek. You can't let her cut you off."
He nodded silently, folding his arms over his chest.
"Derek, you seem very conflicted about this …" Helen hesitated. "We only talk about what Meredith wants… What is it that you want? Do you want to stay in Rachel? Because… she will not go back to New York, at least not in the next week."
"I… I know I want Meredith but… I'm not sure if I'm ready to move…" he confessed. "If I knew… If she just…"
"What?" Helen smiled sadly. "If she told you to stay? She'd never do that. She is a surgeon herself, she knows what it means to leave it all behind, not only your dream job but also your family. She knows what it feels like, and she'd never impose that on you."
"You and Mer keep talking as if she had been a different person altogether," he frowned with puzzlement.
"In a way she was. I don't mean it badly. She was restless, unfulfilled, even with Mitch."
"She is so now too," he sighed.
"She's much closer to peace than she ever was," stated Helen. "You're good for her… but you need to be sure. Don't mess with her head, don't promise something you can't give her."
"Was it… You were with her when she left New York, weren't you? Was it difficult for her?" he asked quietly. "Leaving surgery…"
"When she moved here, she was in such a state that leaving New York was what kept her from drowning. But leaving surgery behind, it was the most traumatic experience of her life, as if the core of her existence was ripped away from her."
"She returned to medicine though," remarked Derek.
"It was stronger than her, but we both know it's nowhere near the same scale as being a full-blown surgeon."
"Has she… ever mentioned going back to surgery?" he questioned feebly.
"No, she hasn't. I've asked her a gazillion times. I've told you, Derek, she is not going back to New York."
"It's just," he paced up and down, with pure frustration written across his face. "She's made notes on an article of mine. They were… I mean, the ideas, the reasoning, it's brilliant. How could she not use-"
"The talent God gave her?" Helen smiled softly. "She is no longer able to use that talent. I must say I'm happy for that, it might be a shame for medicine, but at least here she's in the company of people, not glass vials, numbers, and chemicals."
"What should I do?" Derek asked tiredly, falling back into a chair heavily.
"Figure out what you really want with Meredith, what you need," she pleaded with him. "For starters, don't let her cut you off."
"Yeah," he nodded in agreement. "I know just the way to do it."
Meredith wiggled in her makeshift seat, moving closer to the fire. As she stuck out her hands to warm them up, she checked the time on her wristwatch. Again.
Derek was running late. It was way past dusk and there were miles and miles of deserted highway stretching from Las Vegas to Rachel.
"Can you stop twitching around, please?" Cristina rolled her eyes next to her. "You're ruining my chi."
"So sorry," Meredith mocked her. "I'm only worried because Derek isn't here yet."
"Didn't you want him gone?" Cristina asked slyly.
"Not a car-wrapped-around-a-pole gone, my car, I should add."
"Sorry to be the one pointing it out to you, but you should get used to that. Or are you going to call him every quarter of an hour when he's in New York, outside of your radar?"
Meredith's hands fisted into tight balls in her lap, but she nodded. "You're right, I should get used to-"
"In New York?" They were interrupted by a very surprised and worried voice of Mrs. Lawson. "Who's going to New York?"
Meredith opened her mouth hopelessly, like a fish taken out of water, looking at Cristina who was staring at her meaningfully, her eyebrow arched up. She sighed resignedly. Everyone would know soon enough, it wasn't like they could keep Derek's departure a secret for long. She should just get it over with now, carefully too, or Derek would be in deep shit.
"Uhm, Derek, Dr. Shepherd, he's going to New York," Meredith cleared her throat and forced a small smile on her face. "On Friday."
"For how long?" butted in Mrs. Lawson's friend.
"For… I mean, he's… going back, going home…"
"Home?" frowned Mrs. Lawson. "Does it mean he's going to New York for good? I can't believe it!"
"That's where he lives," Meredith explained calmly. "He just came here for vacation, we've always known that."
"But… but, you and Dr. Shepherd-"
"Have spent a great time together," Meredith gave her a full smile, "and he'll always be my friend."
"But-"
"Mrs. Lawson, please. Derek has a family there; he has his work. He is a brilliant surgeon who helps lots of people thanks to his gift. I wouldn't want him to give that all up even if he wanted to," Meredith firmly underlined the last part of the sentence hoping that her interlocutor grasped its meaning. "I hope everyone helps me to make the rest of his stay in our town enjoyable and see him off at the end of the week."
"I… I'm sure we will," sighed Mrs. Lawson, visibly disgruntled. "We will all miss him."
"We will," Meredith nodded with a strained smile; it was getting difficult to breathe.
"And… you're not going with him?" asked the other woman. "You're from New York as well, aren't you?"
"I can assure you I'm going nowhere," said Meredith, realizing with a heavy heart that her words were painfully accurate in more than one sense.
"Oh well," Mrs. Lawson looked pensive as she turned to walk away, her friend huddled close conspiratorially. "We must think of a dinner…"
Cristina glanced at her cautiously, "I see you're burning all the bridges… It's not too late to-"
"To have something to eat, I agree," Meredith cut across her decidedly, grabbing one of the sausages to roast.
Clearly by a miracle, Derek found a spot to park the jeep at a short walking distance from the party. He closed the door of the car and crinkling his eyes, stared ahead at the dancing points of fire. He couldn't even remember when the last time was that he attended a bonfire. That was not one of the ways in which people from his environment liked to spend their free time. He hadn't either. Now he did, he came to appreciate the simple pleasures in life. He liked that change and he didn't want to be sucked backed into his previous life as though Rachel didn't exist or was just a dream he was waking up from.
He took a deep breath full of determination and walked forward getting closer to the source of the voices that were echoing around in the night. Meredith… he needed to play it out cool or suffer a defeat and regret it for the rest of his life. He knew he would if he lost her. Meredith Grey was an inherent part of his being now. She was in his heart and if she was ripped out of his chest, even the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the world would not be able to patch up the gaping hole.
Lost in his thoughts, he flinched in fear as a shadow crept along the tree line. The hair stood up on the nape of his neck apprehensively, but when he was able to make out the silhouette of the person moving towards him, he chuckled at his own silliness.
"Mrs. Fallon, going home already?"
"I've heard so are you," she answered gently. He couldn't clearly see her face as she was standing with her back towards the lights of the fires, but he could tell by her voice that she was smiling slightly.
"Meredith told everybody, didn't she?" he sighed bringing his hands onto his hips in a gesture of frustration.
"I did warn you once, you know," she remarked gently.
He rolled his eyes in the darkness. "I don't regret anything."
"That's good to hear, hope it stays that way."
"What, are they looking for pitchforks?" he asked nervously. He could see in his head a fist coming at his nose in slow motion.
"Nah," she let out a soft laugh. "Dr. Grey was very careful with her words."
"At least that," he nodded. "Uhm, do you need a lift?" he asked politely. "You don't intend to walk home on foot, do you?"
"Of course not, I have a car," she quipped.
"You have a car," he repeated, his eyebrows going up.
"Things are often not what they seem to be. But you know that already."
"I do," he sighed and passed herby with a nod.
"Good luck, Dr. Shepherd," she smiled watching him leave.
"It was Derek, now it's Dr. Shepherd?" he chuckled.
"It is," she replied turning to walk away down the path towards the highway. "Have a safe trip home, I'm sure you'll get there eventually."
Derek resumed his walk, it appeared that he didn't have to fear for his life. The news of his imminent leaving had already spread like wildfire, but no one seemed to be angry with him. Frankly, everyone had an expression as if there had been a death in the family. Well, he was feeling like that too and he didn't like it. He finally spotted Meredith sitting beside Cristina in front of a small fire that was dying down to their mutual disinterest. Meredith seemed not to care, while Cristina was too drunk. He braced his courage and walked up.
"Th're ya'rre, McDreamyy, she w's pinin' f'r ya whoole evenin'," Cristina slurred raising her beer bottle in greeting.
"I was not pining," Meredith snorted as she looked up at him. "She's wasted."
"Meredith, I think we need to talk," he said softly, crouching beside her.
"I…" she trailed off biting on her lip. "What about?"
"Us."
"What is there to talk about?" she whispered. "We both know where we're standing, we've always known."
"Well, there's also the issue of the practice and the house…"
"Oh, crap, I forgot about it," she slapped her forehead in frustration. "I… can we do it later? I can't… I can't leave her like that," she pointed at Cristina who was now belching shamelessly.
Without a second glance at her, Derek stood up and shouted towards the nearest fire, "Mrs. Lawson, could you keep an eye on her?"
As soon as she nodded affirmatively, Derek gently but insistently tugged at Meredith's arm.
"Let's go," he smiled and took her hand in his, steering her away to a more private location. Before they could walk away from everybody's earshot, however, she halted abruptly and pulled at his hand in the opposite direction.
"Mer-"
"Let's go this way," she said simply leading him to a different path. "I want to show you something."
"You're not gonna distract me with the nasty, as Miranda calls it," he warned her with a grin. "I'm all for the sex, once we have talked."
"Don't you have a one track mind," she quipped. "I haven't even thought of sex."
"Liar," he chuckled.
"Not lying," she shrugged walking in front of him as the path between the boulders was thin. "Maybe I don't think about sex all that often anymore, maybe the novelty has worn off?"
She didn't manage to finish. He pulled her back, firmly trapping her in his arms. His face bore nothing of his previous flirtatiousness.
She didn't manage to finish. He pulled her back, firmly trapping her in his arms. His face bore nothing of his previous flirtatiousness.
"You don't get to do this!" he hissed, inches from her. "You don't get to degrade what's between us, our love, our passion… Just… you don't get to do that just because it makes you feel better. Or does it?"
She sighed, looking him in the eye. "No, it doesn't," she admitted reluctantly. "But do you honestly think tearing up and repeating how great our love is going to make things better?"
"Honestly? Honestly, I want the truth," he replied simply. "I'm not going to lie, pretend and avoid during my last days here. I have never done that to you before and I'm not going to start."
"Alright," she nodded swallowing hard. "Let's be blunt. How much do you want for the practice? How much do you want for the house?"
He burst out laughing, genuinely but with a hint of bitterness. "From one extreme to another," he shook his head amusedly.
"You wanted me to be honest," she shrugged pouting a little.
"God, I love you," he breathed out huskily and lunged forward seizing her pursed lips in a kiss. His tongue darted inside and explored the sweet crevices of her mouth with almost desperate zeal. He felt the familiar need to claim her physically grow inside him, but he acted against it. He pulled away breathlessly, touching his lips. No way he was going to give up on this, on her. He'd figure out a way.
"See what you do to me?" he gasped out.
"Nope, sorry, your more than satisfying size doesn't make it glow in the dark," she smirked.
"Smartass," he rolled his eyes.
"I asked you a question before you molested me," she tried to keep an amused quality in her tone but a throaty scratch in her voice betrayed her true state of mind. "How much do you want?"
"Nothing," he answered simply.
"I'm sorry?" she asked suspiciously.
"I don't want anything for the property… because I want to keep it," he finished bravely, anticipating an imminent explosion.
"What?" she shrieked and seconds later he was blinded by a flashlight materializing in front of his face. "What the hell did you say? We had a deal, you were going to sell me everything and go back to New York!"
He sighed trying to direct the beam of the flashlight away from his eyes. There was a distinct note of panic in Meredith's voice.
"Meredith, I want… to have something here, I want to have something of mine here… to come back to…"
She kept shaking her head at him, her eyes wide. "You're planning on coming back?"
"Of course I am," he said as if it was the most obvious thing on earth. "I don't want to let go of this place, it's magical. Most importantly I don't want to let go of you."
"This… You aren't making any sense!" she gasped pushing her hair out of her face violently.
"Am I not?" he asked coming to lock her wrist in his hand, trying to capture her gaze. "So, what are you saying, that you're gonna go screw someone else when I'm gone?" he couldn't help a hint of bitterness pervading his voice. "Is that what you want?"
"What? No!" she yelped, wounded, struggling to break her hand free. "Are you insane?"
"I might be heading in that direction," he quipped dismissively. "Okay, you don't intend to enter into another relationship. Do you think that I am going to?"
Instead of an answer which he expected, she remained silent, her upper teeth biting slightly on her lip. Any trace of laughter was gone as he realized she really did think so.
"God, Mer…! You… I… You do think I'm gonna screw someone else!" he exclaimed disbelievingly, letting go of her hand to rub his temples. He stopped before her abruptly to ask desperately, "Meredith, don't you know me by now?"
"I know you but…" she trailed off.
"But what?" he insisted. "Have I ever lied to you? Deceived you? Purposefully hurt you?"
"You didn't," she admitted quietly, barely keeping herself from adding 'but he did'.
"Then why are you acting as though there's nothing remarkable between us? As though suddenly I'm going to just forget you?"
"What are you gonna do? What do you want us to do? Live off our great love thousands of miles away from each other? Be pen pal lovers while returning every day to an empty apartment? Say sweet nothings and I love yous on the phone? Jack off in the shower? That's your great plan?"
"Yeah, that's my plan for now," he answered seriously. "That's what I intend to do in the near future… until…"
"Until what?" she prompted him.
"Look, I'm going to move very slowly," he declared hotly once again halting before her. "Baby steps. We're gonna call each other, talk to each other like we do now. As soon as I can leave the hospital again, I'm going to come, and you will want me to come. And I'll keep coming. Until one day… one day, you're going to let me in. You're going to want me to stay."
Meredith felt her body stiffen even more. He was really considering a long-term relationship with her, more so, he was pushing for it as if his life depended on it. "You really think we can do this?" she asked quietly.
"I'm positive."
"I… I don't know… I don't think I can. I don't want to try something that I know is impossible-"
"Meredith, what's the problem?" he asked patiently. "Don't beat around the bush, just tell me."
"Okay," she let her hands fall to her sides in defeat. "You are not a freaking monk, Derek. And I'm not going to try an open relationship with you or some other crap."
"Okay, so basically you don't believe I can be faithful to you?" he clarified conversationally.
"Can you?" she asked with a snort. "Can you have sex twice a year? Since I presume that will be the most we'd see of each other?"
"Meredith," he murmured cradling her face into his palms. "I'm no longer the man that I was when I came here. Do you know what sex is for me now?"
She shook her head, trembling as she felt his hot breath evaporate against the skin of her cheek. He wouldn't see the movement of her head in the dark, but it was not a problem as he was keeping her in his grasp like in a trap.
"Believe me, sex is not sticking my dick in a hole to get off. Sex is… sex is looking into your eyes and seeing them go dark, undressing you, touching your skin, touching you everywhere, kissing you until there's no more oxygen in my lungs. Sex is hearing your moans, feeling your body wreathe around mine, hot and shaky. Sex is wanting you and only you so hard that it hurts, it's finally getting lost inside you and god, that's the best moment of all, entering you. Sex is watching you surrender, your pupils dilating, your fingers pulling at my hair, the harder the more powerful your orgasm is. It's hearing you scream my name at the top of your lungs, and then it's me getting lost in you… That's what sex is for me, what it always will be from now on."
"Derek…" she whispered feebly. Her body was hot, flushed, and boneless as raw emotion meandered in her veins. How could she not believe that? Yet, another concern made its way to her lips. "I'm not worth the trouble, I may never be ready…"
"Trouble? What are you talking about?" he chuckled warmly. "Don't you see? Don't you understand? I want only you. If I can't have you, I don't have anything. So please, don't take this away from me, don't leave me…"
He went silent waiting for her answer, for her verdict, every tiny muscle in his body tensed to its limit.
"Okay…" she murmured, barely audible.
He practically laughed with relief as he took her into his arms, pressing her as close as he could. "Thank you! Thank you-"
"Don't thank me, I still think I'm doing you more harm than anything…" she admitted quietly.
"Well, I have all the time I want to prove you wrong," he said happily. "And I love proving you wrong."
She chuckled softly as she pulled him forward on the narrow path. "I'm sure you do."
"Where are we going?" he asked her. "We can go back now."
"Not just yet, I really want to show you something. Come on," she coaxed him. "And watch out."
Their hands tightly intertwined they climbed further up until they found themselves on the top of a cliff.
"Now look," she said softly.
"Wow… That's… what is that?" he gasped, his voice amazed as he gazed down. Dozens of fires burned at the foot of the rock, people milling around them laughing, singing, and talking. They were nothing special apart, just simple bonfires. But somehow, all lit together, they were amazing, creating an intricate burning pattern, a sign of sorts.
"It's kind of a road sign," Meredith explained laughing. "In alienish."
"Alienish?" he asked, beaming madly as he spooned her from behind looking at the spectacle of lights over her shoulder. "What does it mean in alienish?"
"No one's exactly sure. It might be safe haven or-"
"Home?" he finished for her quickly.
"Yeah," she nodded at him in wonder. He smiled, becoming mesmerized by the lights reflected in her eyes. "Derek…"
"Mhm?" he hummed, nuzzling his nose against hers.
"You told me what sex is for you…"
"Yeah…?"
"I want you to show me," she pleaded, sneaking her hand over his chest up and down.
He grinned and directed them back on the path. "I'll be happy to oblige. But we need to get home, I don't want the aliens to walk in on us if they really come."
He glanced back at the fire sign one last time. He had a long journey home ahead of him. But he would get there, one way or another.
