Chapter 41: It Hurts So Much!

August was slowly dying but the heat wave didn't give in even for a day. It was already sweltering despite the early hours.

The day started most usually. They woke up, had a round of morning sex and then another in the shower. They read the news and ate their breakfast making light conversation. What came next though was not a part of their usual routine. Derek took his compact suitcase, which seemed to weigh a ton dragging him back, and put it in the back of Meredith's jeep while she locked the door to the house. Bert ran around them barking madly as though sensing something out of the element.

"You'll be good to Mer, you listen to me?" Derek rubbed Bert's head affectionately. "No pranks and no lice, bud."

Meredith chuckled as she halted beside them. "You're ready?" she asked him quietly. Thanks to Owen she was able to see him off to the airport.

Derek got to his feet with a sigh, his eyes sweeping the house and its surroundings.

"Can't really say I am. But I'll be okay," he nodded, "because I'll be looking forward to be here again."

"Me too," she said softly and looked away, tucking her hair behind her ears nervously.

"Mer," Derek blocked her way and placed his fingers under her chin to make her look at him. "One word of yours…" he whispered, almost begging.

"Let's… let's go," she cleared her throat, moving away.

But before they could get in the car, Meredith's cell rang in her pocket.

"Hey, Iz, what's up?" she asked grooming her voice as cheerful and casual as she could. "Is Owen doing okay?"

"Yes, he's doing great but… Mer, have you left for Vegas with Derek yet?"

"No, we've just walked out of the house. What's wrong?" she felt a sense of foreboding, glancing at Derek apprehensively.

"I feel really awful to say this… but we need another pair of hands. There is a line of patients. Mrs. Marsh again with some imaginary problem, Jackson's little brother with a broken arm and a group of tourists with food poisoning. We'd deal with that alone, but I've got a call from Lisa Walsh's husband…"

"She's in labor, isn't she?" Meredith sighed resignedly. "I'll be right with her, Iz." She pocketed her cell and turned to look at Derek apologetically, who seemed both understanding and disappointed.

"Ah, Rachel curse strikes again?" he smiled sadly.

"I guess so," she nodded, swallowing a lump in her throat. She wasn't ready for that. She was supposed to have another few hours with him to get used to the idea that Derek was leaving today, for good.

"Meredith…" he walked up to her.

"I… we need to think how you're going to get to Las Vegas…" she said distractedly scooping her long hair away from her face. "Tucker, I'll ask Tucker if he can do us a favor."

Before he could say anything, she darted out of the driveway across the road to Baileys' house.

Derek pinched the bridge of his nose nervously. He thought he had a few more hours left with her, to look at her, to inhale her flowery scent, to hear the throaty timber of her voice. And now it was taken away from him. He was a doctor too, he understood. But he wasn't going to let her get away with avoiding in these last few minutes.

"You can go to Vegas with Tucker. He was going to the city in the afternoon to run some errands but it's no problem for him to go earlier. He'll be ready in a couple of minutes," she recited at the top speed.

"Okay, thank you," he chuckled putting his hands on her arms soothingly. "Now can you slow down and look at me?"

She bit her lip, her breathing quickening instead of relaxing. Her fingers flexed nervously as she kept her arms limply at her sides.

"Meredith?" he whispered but she still seemed unable to look up at him. She gazed steadily at the gravel in the driveway instead. She couldn't lift her head and look into his sky-blue eyes. It was already too overwhelming. The suitcase he'd already taken out of the jeep, Bert squealing quietly. She was running out of time to get to Lisa and her baby. Tucker would be ready any second now.

Oh, how she wished to stop feeling, feeling was suddenly too painful. Just like her throat and her eyes. She blinked quickly praying he wouldn't notice. Not a chance. Once again, his finger gently coaxed her chin higher. But she didn't see his cerulean orbs like she expected. She didn't see anything in fact, just a hazy blur.

"Mer…" his voice was barely audible, but every cell of her body seemed to hear the tender caress it conveyed.

Her eyelids dropped down tight, pushing the tears out in two even streaks that run down her cheeks. She felt his grip on her arms tightening, not forcefully, but possessively.

"Meredith, please…" he begged her.

Her eyes fluttered open at his plea, and she was able to see clearly. She was able to see his eyes were equally glassy.

"Meredith Grey," he managed to smile, "are you crying because I'm leaving?" A tear of his own escaped him as he leaned forward, and his lips followed the damp trail on her face.

"No," she answered in a half-chuckle, half-sniff, "I'm crying because I won't have anyone to make fun of anymore."

He chuckled; his breath shaky. "I promise you'll still be able to make fun of me."

"Good," she said simply, bringing her quivering lips closer to his but backing away a millisecond before they met.

He chased them briefly but halted suddenly. They grinned and then, as if in slow motion, sought each other halfway, their gazes locked together hypnotically until their eyes closed. Their lips meshed perfectly like two magnets, teasing, caressing and soothing. But they couldn't savor and prolong the chastity of the kiss, time was not on their side. Derek's tongue slid over her soft lips probing them to let him in.

She did, she accepted him inside her, she invited him further as her hands crept up to his neck, to his hair that her fingers liked to comb so much. It was slightly overgrown now and curling maybe just a tad too much for an elegant look.

Their tongues brushed against each other, as passionately and thoroughly as their bodies molded together when Derek's strong arms wound around her. Time stopped, the world froze in motion as they basked in the ultimate minutes of intimacy they were allowed. They craved to evaporate, to burn in their passion, to disappear.

"Dr. Shepherd, Dr. Grey," Tucker cleared his throat conspicuously and they pulled apart unenthusiastically. "I'm… I'm ready when you are," he nodded and tactfully backed away to his car that was parked on the other side of the road.

"Time is up…" she sighed, forcing a smile.

"I love you, Meredith Grey," Derek husked firmly.

"I love you," she sobbed dropping all pretenses, "I'm so sorry…"

He gathered her back into his arms, in his vice-like embrace. "Don't be, I'll be back."

Mindful of his time constraints and her duty, they finally loosened their hug.

"See you, Bert," he grinned at the dog and picked up his suitcase.

Their hands together until the last moment, Meredith walked him off to the car. They briefly embraced again, and Derek got in feeling as though he was getting in his own coffin.

"Have a safe journey, Derek," Meredith said softly. "Call me when you're… when you're home."

"Meredith…" he trailed off. He wanted to tell her so much, yet he didn't know what. He swallowed and uttered out, "I will see you."

"See you," she smiled and stepped away for Tucker to pull off.

Derek gripped the door handle as firmly as though he was trying hard not to fall.

"You okay, man?" Tucker asked quietly as the car rolled down the road.

"I…" Derek stuttered and turned in his seat abruptly. Meredith was still standing rigidly in the same spot, her hair billowing ever so slightly in the wind. She didn't even move her head when Miranda joined her at her side, little Tuck on her hip. Derek watched her through the rear window until she disappeared from view around a road turn. When he would be able to see her again, he had no bloody idea.


Derek didn't later know how he managed to find his way at the airport, properly check in, go through control, and then board the right plane without arousing security's suspicions. He must have looked odd, or sickly green at the very least. He himself felt like a zombie, like everything he did was steered by some unknown force beyond his control. For the first time in his life, he felt claustrophobic on board, even though he was travelling business.

He looked out of the small, rounded window, and he couldn't bear it. He wouldn't be able to stand the sight of watching Nevada stay behind. His fingers grasped the elbow holders as he pressed his eyes close.

"Excuse me, sir," a feminine voice asked him from the next seat. "Are you alright?"

He nodded opening his eyes, taking in deep rhythmic breaths. "Yeah, I'm fine," he assured a pleasantly looking woman in her fifties.

"Fear of flying?" she asked gently.

"No," he almost laughed, almost as the sound that came out of his mouth resembled a chuckle crisscrossed with a yelp of pain.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," she winked at him.

No, really, I'm just not very keen to go back," he sighed.

"Not missing home at all?" she smiled politely.

"Home'' he frowned.

"I'm sorry, you said, 'go back', I assumed you were going home' Anyway, I don't mean to pry.'"

"It's okay," he assured her. "I came here two months ago it's unbelievable how much life can change in such a short period of time, a blink of an eye," he sighed. A little over two months ago he was driving his rented Lexus through a highway, got lost, got caught up in a storm. A car stopped by, he opened the door and saw' her. His life would never be the same again.

His neighbor started to say something, but was interrupted by flight attendants performing a safety demonstration. He didn't even look once. If they happen to crash, he wasn't sure he'd even want to be saved. Why the hell did he board this plane? He should have objected, tried to make his point clearer. He should have never left'

Deep down he knew it wouldn't solve any problems, it wouldn't help Meredith. He knew that even if he allowed their relationship to develop at her own pace, she would feel cornered, stressed out that she wasn't living up to his 'expectations' in regards to her. Years after abandoning her skyrocketing career, deep down she was still a perfectionist. She always tried to meet some exaggerated expectations set by an invisible person.

The hum of the engines grew louder. He felt queasy as the plane started to move in order to enter the runway. What could he do? He felt utterly powerless, like a puppet. The machine gathered on speed to delicately lift from the ground. He swallowed repeatedly to relieve the discomfort in his ears due to the change in pressure. What could he do'? How could he help Meredith, the love of his life, to banish her demons?

Suddenly, an idea crossed his mind, completely insane, desperate and surely unethical. Yet' if there was even a shadow of chance it actually worked' They were not yet allowed to unbuckle their seatbelts, but he dived down to pull his briefcase from underneath his seat. He went through the papers feverishly to let out a long breath when he found what he was looking for, his articles covered by Meredith's neat writing. He relaxed his body and started to study her notes all over again. He seemed to have a goal; he had no time to waste.


A soft cry filled the room lightening it even more than the sun rays streaking inside as Meredith carefully held the infant in her hands. The baby girl was so perfectly innocently beautiful, undamaged by time and people.

Meredith delivered quite a number of Rachel babies and each time it felt equally unique and miraculous. There was something wondrous about childbirth, something you couldn't simply get used to, it was a celebration of life.

However, as she clamped the umbilical cord and cut it, she didn't feel the usual rush of joy, because as the new little being was welcomed into this world, she felt something inside her dying slowly. She cautiously handed the baby to the exhausted but tearfully happy mother and breathed out deeply.

"Mer, you okay"' Izzie asked with concern.

"Yeah," she nodded distractedly and quickly left the room to wash her hands.

She felt so weary, so tired. After informing several anxious family members about the successful outcome of the delivery, she stumbled outside into the midday heat. She darted her head high, shielding her eyes from the pitiless sun. She instantly shook her head at her own stupidity. Rachel sky wasn't a part of the commercial airline route, it was much too close to the military area.

She knew it would happen; she prepared herself for it. Why did it still hurt so much to see him go?


He heard someone calling him an ass, but he didn't care as he pushed his way out of the plane and through the labyrinth of the airport. He needed to get outside onto the fresh air, or he would suffocate. He didn't stop or slow down until he was behind the glass automatic door.

He exhaled. Something was different. The air wasn't the same. How hadn't he noticed the difference when he first arrived in Rachel? It was so striking.

He glanced around, disoriented. He felt like an alien, no pun intended. He felt like a stranger in his own city of birth, the place where he grew up.

"Derek? Derek! Man, you fled the scene so fast we thought you were dodging the cops or something!"