Chapter 44: Honesty
Deep relief spread through her body as Meredith stopped the engine and got off the car in the driveway. True, she was coming to an empty house again, Derekless. At least for some ten hours she wouldn't have to face anyone other than Bert. She was sick of all the attention she was receiving, and no one even seemed to notice.
"Meredith."
"Miranda," she nodded turning to face her neighbor, her body language strained. "What's up?"
"I'm good," shrugged Bailey. "How are-"
"I swear if you're going to ask me how I'm doing I'm gonna kill you!" Meredith said in a raised voice. "Every-freaking-one is suddenly concerned with my well-being, Jackson, Izzie, each and every one of my patients… Cristina hasn't yet made an emergency call but only because Owen is spying on me for her!"
"Okay, cool, not going to ask," Miranda shrugged with a stoical expression on her face. "I will even allow you to wallow in your self-pity, is that fine with you?"
"I'm not wallowing in my self-pity!"
"And I'm the next Top Model winner," snorted Miranda. "I have a right to ask you how are you because I stood with you for fifteen minutes watching my husband's car drive off. Everybody has the right to ask about your well-being because they're your friends and they care about you. They are not the ones who hurt you, don't pin this on them."
"I'm not blaming anyone for anything," argued Meredith. "I just want a bit of privacy."
"Bullshit," Miranda rolled her eyes. "You're angry with everyone, because deep down you're angry with yourself. Because you hurt yourself with your constant pussyfooting and telling him to leave."
"I did what was best for everyone."
"You don't believe this yourself."
"I…" Meredith hung her head down. "I know you don't understand me, I don't understand me… I'm trying the best I can but... I'm not happy with it."
"And you don't have to be happy with it, no one expects you to be. No one wants to pry… okay, who am I kidding, everybody wants to pry, but that's not the issue here. The thing is that no one wants to see you alone with your problems. They mean well, we mean well."
"I know that," sighed Meredith.
"You wanna come in for a glass of wine? You look like you need one."
"I… no, thanks. I'll take a rain check on that today…" Meredith cleared her throat avoiding Miranda's eyes. "It's not that I'm avoiding-"
"Let me guess, you're waiting for a dirty call from you loverboy," Miranda snickered.
"Ye- No!" Meredith pretended to be indignant.
"It's cool, it's fine," Bailey made a smug face. "And I don't want to witness that."
"You have one big dirty mind, Miranda Bailey!" Meredith pointed at her accusingly.
"Never said otherwise," she snorted walking away.
Derek downed his tenth cup of coffee that day, he was now convinced it had replaced blood in his system. However, he still felt as drained and miserable as though he was popping sleeping pills all the time.
He leaned down over the counter to deposit his patient's chart and felt his headache intensify. Thank god his shift was nearly over. When he pinched the bridge of his nose, he noticed a movement on his left, followed with an eager voice chirping his name.
"Dr. Shepherd?"
He turned to her tiredly, a woman in rosy scrubs and a smile that showed a full set of teeth. One of said outstanding teeth had something black stuck on the edge.
"Nurse…?" he trailed off with a frown. He was going to throw himself off the catwalk if someone needed a neuro consult. He was just in no shape to deliver.
"Rose, Nurse Rose," she giggled. "I'm new and… Dr. Sloan has given me your number; I hope you don't mind. Did you get my message?"
He winced internally. Oh boy, he did. Two missed calls, one voice message and two texts… He wouldn't ever gone for a woman that desperate even if he was still screwing around.
"No… I'm afraid I haven't, nurse," he answered forcing cool professionalism into his voice. "Dr. Sloan must have made a mistake with the number," he lied, keeping his panic levels in check. "Am I being paged? If yes, please redirect it to Wheeler or Crichek. I'm swamped."
"But Dr. Shepherd-"
He turned to walk away, prepared to run for his life if he had to but fortunately, he didn't. A harassed looking resident ran along the corridor carrying a stack of bags with blood for transfusion and shouting to get out of the way. He did. But Nurse Rose did not see that coming. The resident crashed straight into her, the blood spurting everywhere as the plastic bags split on impact.
He wasn't the only one who had to stifle a chuckle at the sight before him. Mark had once taken him for a women mud wrestling show, it looked damn similar.
"Scarlet really suits you," Addison chortled at rose from the crowd. She smiled and winked at Derek across the lobby. "Although… aren't you a tad early for Halloween?"
Derek silently thanked his best friend's girlfriend amongst the general outburst of laughter. Apparently, he had gained a very good friend. He doubted Rose would make another pass at him after this humiliation.
Immensely grateful for Addison's helping hand, Derek went to his office, got changed into his street clothes and was finally ready to leave the hospital. He dreamed of having a hot bath and burying himself under the duvet in bed. There would be no Meredith to snuggle into, but he just couldn't wait to call her and immerse himself in her warm voice. He was suffering severely from the change of climatic zones and even worse from the loss of his human pillow.
He stepped into the elevator without a sideways glance and pushed the button.
"Derek Shepherd, I hope for your sake that you have not just ignored me," a familiar voice spoke up from behind him.
He turned around to see an attractive blond leaning against the wall at the back.
"Jenny," he nodded in greeting. He opened his mouth to say something else, but nothing came to his mind. Jennifer was a drug rep whom he met, very closely, on one of the hospital banquets. At the time, they were quite alike, self-confident, successful, and avoiding attachment like plague. Every time she flew over to New York they met over, or rather instead of, lunch, dinner, or breakfast. They weren't exactly friends but as Mark liked to say, they shared a common interest in the horizontal mambo.
"Cat got your tongue?" she smirked at him and walked up to plant a kiss on his lips.
As though in slow motion, he watched her get closer and closer. Before her mouth reached his, he jerked his head sideways suddenly, so the kiss landed on his cheek instead.
"Uhm, what are you doing here?" he cleared his throat.
"Business," she chuckled. "Came this morning, I'm staying for the conference."
"Oh," he remarked thoughtlessly, tapping his fingers nervously against his briefcase. He had no idea what to say next and had never had that problem with Jenny or any other woman for that matter. Both surprise because, their earlier conversations consisted mainly of flirting. Having no desire to flirt, he was at a total loss for words.
"Heard you're one of the speakers," she went on with a smile. "Want to practice your speech tonight?"
"I… haven't actually written it down," he answered thickly.
Jenny's perfectly trimmed eyebrow arched up. She was starting to notice there was something off about him.
"I was in New York at the end of July," she remarked conversationally. "Was quite surprised to hear that you were on leave…?"
"Yeah, I took a two-month vacation," he confirmed, praying silently for this elevator ride to end. But what would he do when it did? She was clearly expecting to prolong their meeting, undoubtedly in the way they usually did…
"Derek Shepherd is certainly not a man who goes away on vacations," she continued suspiciously.
"Well, I did."
"Hmm," her eyes bored into his suspiciously. "Did you have a mental break down?"
"What? No," he chuckled as the elevator dinged, announcing its arrival onto zero level. "Where did you get that?"
"You are a strange man, Derek Shepherd," she shook her head amusedly as he let her go out first. "Anyway, I'm staying at the Archfield, traditionally. We could take your car?"
"I… a… Actually, I'll pass," he said quietly, trying to appear apologetic. Getting rid of Nurse Rose was easy as Addison practically did it for him. He needed to learn how to do it on his own, he was a taken man now.
"You'll… pass?" Jenny trailed off disbelievingly.
"Yeah… I… yeah."
"You never pass on sex."
"That's true, I don't," he chuckled. If Meredith was here, he'd surely be having yet another orgasm.
"You want to reschedule for tomorrow then?" she asked.
"No, I… Look, we had fun, we did but… I think, no, I actually know, that it's time… well, to end it."
She scrutinized his face for a moment, which made him squirm, and said finally, "I can't believe it, there's a woman! I mean, there's always been a woman around you, one or another, but there is the woman. Don't deny."
"There is," he smiled softly, his awkwardness gone. "I am in a relationship."
"Who would have thought?" she chuckled, though she couldn't completely cover her disappointment.
"Love happens," he shrugged.
"What did they do to you?" she giggled. "So that's a no to rescheduling?"
"That's a definite no," he nodded.
"Well, it was fun when it lasted," she sighed wistfully. "Call me if that love doesn't work out."
"It's not an option," he answered firmly.
"Okay then, good luck, Derek," she smiled and walked away to catch a taxi.
He took a deep breath. He was so relieved… and proud of himself. He once again proved Meredith wrong, it wasn't hard at all to stay away from other women. He loved and wanted only her, permanently.
However, he stopped in his tracks as a thought hit him like a ton of bricks. How would he tell her he was already hit on twice? Meredith wouldn't be happy. He sighed; he seriously needed that hot bath.
Meredith threw herself heavily on the padded porch swing. Normally, when she looked up, she'd saw Derek's face hovering above her, they loved just relaxing peacefully in the evening like… well, like an old married couple. Now, she only saw the first stars strewn across the sky.
She smiled when the cell phone started to ring, perfect timing.
"Hey," she sighed contentedly, it was the first time the whole day she felt herself relax.
"Hey you," he answered throatily. "What have you been up to?"
"Nothing much," she shrugged. "I've had a busy day. I'm just lying on the swing, resting."
"You're not cold?"
"Derek!" she burst into giggles. "Do you remember where I am? Rachel, Nevada? It's so hot I can barely stay inside."
"Sorry," he sighed. "I've just gone to bed in flannel pajamas and a sweater. And I'm pretty sure there's something wrong with the heating."
"Are you serious?" she couldn't stop laughing. "New York City is not on the North Pole, even I can't say otherwise!"
"Well, you and Rachel ruined me," he said warmly. "New York is too cold for me, a bed without you is too cold."
"Aw, I can't believe it!" she cooed. "Derek Shepherd in bed already, cold, and lonely! I don't think I can actually imagine that!"
"Then don't, cause I'm imagining you right with me," he murmured.
"So… you don't want an out yet?" she asked quietly. "Haven't changed your mind?"
"No, I don't want an out," he chuckled. "You're in my head, constantly, I wouldn't be able to get rid of you even if I I wanted to and I don't."
"Okay," she breathed out. "You're probably leaving a trail of broken hearts."
"It's not that dramatic," he laughed nervously, the images of Nurse Rose and Jennifer guiltily passing through his head.
"Not that dramatic, huh?" she asked teasingly, knowing it would throw Derek into panic. "What are you not telling me?"
Derek swallowed heavily praying that she wouldn't take it badly. "Well, I might have been hit on… twice… Which was totally not my fault! I didn't encourage them-" he trailed off as his ear was blasted off, not with Meredith's yells however, but her laughter. "What?"
"Sorry," she giggled. "You were right. You might not be here in Rachel, but you never cease to amuse me."
He frowned disgruntledly. "For your information, I'm hot!"
"Yeah, you sure are," she assured him in an innocent but mocking voice.
"If your memory doesn't serve you right, you declared repeatedly that I'm a god, in circumstances that happened also because I'm hot, amongst other qualities- Wait a minute, why aren't you biting my head off?" he asked suspiciously.
"Why would I?" she giggled, a little too offhandedly for Derek's liking.
"Mer, you don't actually think I give a damn-"
"Derek," she interrupted him firmly. "You're paranoid. I'm not dumping you, why would I?"
"Oh, I don't know, you could have shown a little more interest, or I don't know-"
"What, jealousy?" she sighed. "What good would it do? It's not like I can prevent all women from looking at you. It's not like we're married," she chuckled.
Meredith's last phrase reverberated in his brain. It's not like we're married… Why didn't he think about it before… Well, he probably saved himself from another humiliation. She would have never agreed, that was more than certain.
Regardless of that, a whole new perspective was just opened to him, another goal. One day he would get her to say yes, or he'd die trying, he thought sourly. He used to laugh at men who trembled in fear before proposing, now he was nowhere near amused.
Meredith bit on her lip, the silence Derek lapsed in was taking too long. She nervously suspected it had something to do with the little word 'married'. She cringed. She had already allowed herself to get entangled in a wedding frenzy. It ended in a catastrophe, sure as hell she would not go through this again. Deciding that the situation required drastic measures, she fired to divert Derek's attention, "And why would I be mad at you while I have been hit on as well?"
"You were what?" he spat out, sitting up in his bed. Anger that flared in his veins seemed to heat him up more effectively than the thickest blanket. "When? Who's the bastard that I have to kick? Seriously, I'm gone for two days, and the vultures all start to swoop in?"
"Excuse me?" she hissed. "What do you think I am? Your possession?"
"Of course, you are my… uhm, beloved," he coughed nervously, cottoning on mid-sentence that it was not heading in a safe direction. Meredith was his and only his, but it was better if she was blissfully unaware that he wanted her in a chastity belt with his name carved on it.
"Poorly played, Dr. Shepherd," she snickered.
"Apparently I'm not that thoughtful and generous," he shrugged. "And I do get jealous, you can tell that asshole if he's back or whomever crosses the line."
"No one crossed any line," she explained. "It was Jackson, okay? He just came to check up on me. I think he understood now that it's over."
"Right," Derek rolled his eyes. "I used to think he came to terms that you don't give a damn about his sorry ass."
"Sorry to disappoint you but I do care about him. He's my friend, and I got to know him very well before you came into the picture."
"Whatever," he muttered. "He'd better stay away from you."
"And who has to stay away from you?" she asked to shut him up.
"Mark gave my number to one of the nurses," Derek grumbled in defeat.
"Uh-huh, naughty nurses," she said in a high-pitched tone.
"I didn't stick around long enough to see that," he grimaced. "The woman was dreadful. I… also met someone from my past," he went on deciding to be completely honest with her.
"Like a girlfriend?" she prodded, trying to sound casual. But she couldn't deny the thought irked her.
"No, not really," he hesitated. "We used to… eh, meet… whenever she was in New York."
"A fuck buddy," Meredith clarified bluntly.
"A friend with benefits, more like," he coughed uncomfortably.
"It's all right, Derek. I know you were a manwhore," she said lightly. "I didn't forget how we met, and I'm unlikely to."
"Meredith…" he ground. He wasn't particularly proud of his lifestyle pre-Meredith.
"Really, Derek, I'm fine with that. I was a bit of a whore at one point, not to mention a bitch. That I still am-"
"You know, that's enough," he sighed tiredly. "I'm not sure I like where this conversation is headed, and I just wanted to fall asleep hearing your voice."
She smiled softly. "And I like where this conversation led us, to honesty. I've got nothing to hide from you."
"Neither have- I would forget. There is something I need to tell you."
"Besides naughty nurses?" she chuckled.
"Remember your amendments to my articles?" he asked disregarding her jab.
"Yeah," she nodded slowly.
"You told me I could use them. I'm putting your theory into practice."
"Wow, it's… that was a surprise…" she said cautiously, trying to keep her anxiety at bay. "You never said anything. When did you decide on that?"
"I thought about it… a lot… Why, you don't want me to do that?"
"No, it's not about that-"
"Meredith, just tell me if you're not okay with this, and I'll drop everything," he promised, praying that she agreed.
"Derek, I've already told you you could use it any way you wanted," she sighed as she stood up and started to pace up and down on the porch. "It's just… this is a clinical trial we are talking about, you have no idea how demanding it is going to be, how draining, emotionally more than physically."
"I can do it!"
"I'm not questioning your abilities, Derek. I'm just warning you, that's all," she capitulated. She would feel like a bitch trying to get him to abandon the idea. But he so didn't know what he was signing up for…
