Chapter 47: Six Months
"So, six months…" Cristina trailed off pensively.
"Yeah, six months," Meredith nodded next to her, her eyes fixed on the simple gravestone they were facing.
"Time flies," sighed Cristina.
"I woke up this morning and I couldn't believe William had been gone for half a year."
"A lot has changed."
"It has…"
"Listen…" Cristina threw her friend a furtive look and gently squeezed her elbow. "You gonna come to the inn later?"
"Cristina, not you too." Meredith turned to her pleadingly. "I am patient with all the looks and innocent questions. I am even prepared it's going to double in intensity today, but I'll manage. Just, please, don't you treat me like I'm suicidal as well."
"Then stop looking like that," shrugged Cristina. "You haven't laughed or smiled since McDreamy left."
"I have!" gasped Meredith.
"The only times probably being while you're on the phone with him," pointed out Cristina. "I've been watching you for weeks now, saying nothing because that's what you wanted. But enough is enough. I get that you miss him, that it's hard for you. You can't live a half-life like that. It's not going to work for long."
"I am fine!" Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'd like to be left alone with William now, please."
"Fine," Cristina acquiesced tiredly and started to make her way back onto the main alleyway of the cemetery.
"Cristina?" Meredith called after her. "Thank you for coming…"
The innkeeper nodded knowingly and proceeded on her way. Meredith, on the other hand, continued to stand in front of William's grave, her arms around her shoulders to keep herself warm in the morning chill.
"I haven't come to see you recently," Meredith told the simple tombstone. "I'm sorry. It's just… I've been all over the place, my mind has been… It's just sometimes…" she shrugged and paced a little. "I finally came to give you a report. About your grand plan. So, it backfired a little. It certainly backfired on me… You got your Shepherd here alright. He loved it here, I mean, eventually. Because he was a total prick at the beginning. Yeah, the beginnings weren't easy you see… But, he liked it here, and he liked me… I liked him too, you see, a little too much, I think sometimes. So, it was me, really, who ruined your plan. Because I told him to get the hell out of here. Okay well, I didn't use these exact words, but you get me, right? I wanted to… I no longer know what I want and how to get it… You're probably angry now," she cracked a tiny smile. "I'll come back later, when you stop shouting, you know how you are."
She readjusted the flowers she and Cristina brought this morning and began her unhurried retreat among dozens of graves belonging to Derek's ancestors. Before she stepped onto the main pathway, her eyes fell on an old tombstone, the one bearing the names of Eloise, a teenage girl, and Lucas Shepherd, her equally young husband who perished during the Civil War.
"Hello, Eloise," Meredith said halting in her tracks. "I know we've never talked… I've heard a lot about you though. You must have heard a lot about me too, from William. Probably some good stuff. Somehow, I'd doubt you'd like me very much now," she sighed sitting down on a small stone bench, which seemed to be as old as the grave itself. "You'd yell at me for sure. Because you see, I'm a terrible coward. I am a huge coward and I'm not half the woman you were. If your husband was alive, you wouldn't hesitate a second. You'd set off to wherever he was. Even if it was the other end of the world. You wouldn't care about your own comfort, you wouldn't care about anything but him, to get to the man you loved more than your life.
"I… I love Derek this way. More than I ever loved anybody. More than I thought it was possible to love another person. He's alive and well, in New York… That's like on the other side of the continent. But I could be there in a day… I could. I could be happy with him.
"Only as I said, I'm a huge coward. I am terrified of going back there, terrified that I'd get hurt there. and… I like it here, I love Rachel. It's just… it's not the same without him. Not even close. Everything reminds me of him, of something he said, he did, we did…
"Do you want to kick my butt yet? Listen to this," she chuckled lowering her voice a little as though she was betraying her biggest secret. "I've checked out flights to New York…once or twice… I just couldn't go through with it. I want to see him but when I think what happens if I actually go there… my mind goes blank, and I can't. I want to be whole and healed… but I'm not."
"Sorry I'm late," Lexie entered Helen's office practically at a run, pressing a stitch in her side. "I've just managed to sneak out from the chief resident's radar… Hey Helen, hi, Derek, good to see you," she smiled at him widely.
"Derek stayed in Rachel, it's Dr. Shepherd now," said Helen winking up at him.
"Oh… I'm sorry," Lexie muttered nervously. "I didn't want to be disrespectful-"
"Lexie, she's messing with you," Derek chuckled finally putting away all the scans he was checking and double checking. "I'd call you my sister, but my sisters are really annoying…"
Helen smirked at him. "You want to tell me you don't find annoying a woman who busted your-"
"You are busting my patience, Dr. Crawford," Derek berated her amusedly.
"Ditto, we've had dozens of consults and you still don't want to clear me!" she rolled her eyes sporting an exaggerated pout.
"Exactly," Derek gazed at her curiously, cocking his head. "You've been coming to see me so often I could think you might want to keep an eye on me… for someone…"
"You're thinking is wrong," riposted Helen.
"Okay, okay, can we drop this duel of wit for a second?" Lexie asked them impatiently and walked up to get hold of the images. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything seems to be absolutely in order," Derek assured her. "She's making a speedy recovery, unless there is something you've failed to mention?" he looked at Helen questioningly.
"You're paranoid," she quipped. "I've never felt better. Are you going to give me the clearance?"
"Nice try," he grinned. "You know the drill, Helen. You can go back to work, to your administrative duties, spend a reasonable amount of time in the clinic, give consults… but no cutting for a while. We need to be sure. You still can experience seizures-"
"I know, I know what I can experience!" she grumbled. "I guess I'm going to keep pestering you some more."
"Well, not today," he laughed as he checked his watch. "I need to be back at Pres asap."
"Oh, your trial, right?" Lexie gasped with excitement. "How is that going?"
"Good actually. I'm moving out of the lab, about to admit the first patient," he answered with unhidden enthusiasm.
"Which also means the most difficult phase is about to begin," Helen reminded him soberly. "I know what I'm talking about, Derek. Meredith does too."
"I'm not going to burden Meredith with this," he sighed buttoning up his coat.
"You two are really worth each other," commented Helen disapprovingly. "And no, it's not a compliment. I'm serious, Derek. If you ever need to talk, turn to her, or to me."
"Thanks, Helen," he nodded gratefully as he moved towards the door. "And take it easy at the beginning, you have the rest of your life to spend in the OR."
"Smartass."
"Derek, I'll walk you out," Lexie hurried after him, glancing at him sideways nervously. "I think you should call Meredith today… no, not about the trial!" she added quickly.
"Lexie, I call Meredith every day. I don't need to be either coerced or reminded to do it. It's what gets me through the day."
"Sorry, I didn't want to imply… It just might be a difficult day for Mer… six months since William's death…" she sighed.
"It is?" frowned Derek.
"Meredith hasn't told you?" Lexie guessed knowingly.
"No, she didn't…"
"You see, this is what Helen had in mind when she said you two were worth each other. You won't talk to Mer about the trial because you don't want to bring bad memories. She won't talk to you about William because she doesn't want to cause you any more worry than the trial. Do you see where I'm going with this?"
Derek shook his head, letting out a chuckle. "You think we're not giving each other enough credit?"
"Just being too overprotective of each other? My advice, talk to her. Meredith is tough, and she's really crazy about you. I've never seen her this involved in a relationship, never."
"Well, I'm crazy about her too," he admitted with a small blush.
"Derek? I'm happy my sister's found such a great guy," Lexie beamed and planted a quick kiss onto his cheek. "I'll see you around?"
"Bye, Lexie," he smiled and departed down the corridor.
A few feet away from them, hidden by a nurse cart, Amelia Shepherd was experiencing a small-scale enlightenment.
Completely by accident, a lucky twist of fate, or maybe simply her compulsive workaholism, she had arrived at Mount Sinai two hours before the beginning of her shift. Who did she see? Her own brother strolling down the corridor of her hospital with Lexie Grey, merely a third-year resident.
Amelia's siblings always made fun of her that she had ants in her pants. She was impulsive and easily jumped into conclusions. This time, however, she felt that jumping into conclusions wasn't baseless. Derek had clearly been off his rocker recently. He stayed in a run-down town in Nevada for two entire months. He stopped whoring around. And according to Mark, whom Amelia blackmailed into spilling Derek's secrets, her big bro was head over heels in love with a woman he had met in Rachel. Supposedly, her name was Meredith.
Of course, it could all be just a smokescreen, a diversion conceived to fool her and the rest of the curious family. Lowly residents weren't Derek's type, but he sure had a big grin plastered on his face and the two of them looked way too chummy for a conversation of a world famous surgeon and his groupie. And when Grey planted a kiss onto his cheek, Amelia nearly went down with a heart attack.
She watched in daze as they said their goodbyes and Derek walked off. She shook herself from her stupor and sprang in front of Lexie Grey when the girl reached her level.
"Are you sleeping with my brother?" Amelia asked unceremoniously, her arms folded over her chest. She knew Grey was an excellent doctor in the making, but she didn't know her all that closely. Even though she snipped and snapped with Derek more often than not, no one could accuse her of not wanting to protect her big brother at all costs.
"Whaaat?" Lexie let out a startled gasp.
"I asked you if you're sleeping with my brother. Dr. Derek Shepherd to whom you've just said your sweet goodbyes."
Momentarily stunned, Lexie burst out in laughter. "Seriously?" she guffawed. "It's just ridiculous. I have a boyfriend!" she added seeing Amelia's relentless face. She tried to play it cool but in reality, she was a ball of nerves. She had to protect Meredith's secret, and Derek's secret, and keep her own reputation intact. She didn't need whispers following her around that she tried to make her career by bedding a hot influential doctor.
"Like that's supposed to mean something?" snorted Amelia. "I have a new boyfriend every week."
"Well, not everyone sleeps around," Lexie said defiantly.
"Excuse me? What did you just say?"
Lexie pinched the bridge of her nose. There really was no point in picking a fight with Amelia Shepherd. She had seniority over her, she was practically her boss, about to become an attending. Moreover, she was practically family, unbeknownst to her. There would be a time, or at least Lexie hoped there would, when Meredith and Derek's relationship was no longer a secret. She wanted no bad blood in the family at that point. Besides, she recognized Amelia's right to be protective of her brother. She was the same in regards to Meredith and Molly. If she and Mitch ever crossed paths, he would be a dead man.
"Look, I am not sleeping with Der-" she hesitated, "with Dr. Shepherd. We're…" What exactly? Brother and sister in law? "Friends."
"And I'm supposed to believe that?" Amelia eyed her skeptically.
"I don't have either time or inclination to explain that further," Lexie said evasively. "We've met over Helen's case. He's the doctor on her case."
"What?" gasped Amelia.
"Oh, I'm being paged," Lexie excused herself hastily. "Gotta go!"
Amelia mulled over all she learnt in the past ten minutes. Derek was Helen Crawford's doctor? This could not be. Everyone knew that Crawford only let her closest friend treat her. That friend is a true genius surgeon vanished from the medical world. Every time Helen's condition required a surgery, she took a leave and disappeared as well. It was not a secret she went to see her friend, Dr. Meredith Grey.
Amelia stopped in her tracks once again, her thoughts running too fast for her brain to catch up. Meredith… It was impossible… but it couldn't be a coincidence, just couldn't.
She hurried along the corridor in the direction of her own department – neurology. She darted her head in peering at the row of portraits of famous doctors who through their work had contributed to the hospital's glory. Dr. Meredith Grey, Lexie's sister, was one of them.
Sure, she looked a bit different than on Derek's self made video. But it was the same face. What did it all mean? Derek must have met her during his crazy Nevada trip. Amelia whirled around on her heels and went in search of Helen. She needed to get to the bottom of this mystery, she needed answers.
In the silence of her office, Meredith contemplated calling Derek and getting everything off her chest. She hadn't been very open with him lately. She didn't say a word that this day six months ago William passed away. His trial was really getting an impetus, he would soon test the theory in practice, and most likely the beginnings would be devastating. She didn't want to add to the pain.
But she felt so alone and miserable. As much as she wanted to convince Cristina and everyone else, she found it hard to enjoy anything without Derek. Even smiling was exhausting. At first, she had assumed it would pass when she got used to his absence in the house, in the practice, in the car… They had been pretty much inseparable during those two months. Arguably, she did get used to his absence. Arguably, she did get used to him not being physically with her. She didn't expect him to follow her into the kitchen for breakfast or climb into the bed next to her late at night. But the feeling that something wasn't right, that something was out of place, did not pass. If anything, the guilt at being so damaged and unfit intensified.
However, before she could make any decision regarding a call to Derek, a series of shouts coming from outside broke out of her musings. She wasn't too alarmed until she heard more people hollering and… crying…
She hurried out of her office, only to meet Owen who'd just walked out of his own office with a facial expression that mimicked hers.
"What's going on?" she asked suspiciously.
He shrugged confusedly and they went outside, joining a thoroughly amused Izzie on the steps of the practice. The blonde nurse wasn't the only one who observed the events with unhidden interest. There were gawkers all along the road, both tourists and locals.
Meredith's eyebrows rode up in bewilderment as Jeremy West shot past them at a run. Jeremy was a cheeky teenager she and Derek walked in on over the summer in his girlfriend's father's barn. The said father darted past not that far behind the boy.
"Jeremy West, when I catch you, I will kill you with my bare hands!" Mr. Monroe wheezed out.
Beth who was all in tears and in the arms of her mother didn't even try to follow.
Meredith paid more attention to Mr. Monroe though. "He doesn't look good," she frowned worriedly.
"I guess discovering your underage daughter is pregnant can do that to you," chuckled Izzie.
"Beth's pregnant? Never mind that," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Just look at him, he's out of breath, he's all clammy. He's carrying one of his arms differently because I bet he feels discomfort… It's not just from the run…"
"Heart problems, you reckon?" Owen caught on quickly.
"Better safe than sorry," shrugged Meredith and broke into a run as well, Owen at her heels. "Mr. Monroe! Mr. Monroe!"
"Hey, Derek," Meredith beamed as she greeted him over the phone.
"You sound happy?" he frowned, but he couldn't say he was unhappy with it. Unless she was pretending of course.
"It's been an interesting day."
"Tell me about it," he encouraged her softly, closing his patient's file for the moment.
"So, I hid something from you…" she bit on her lip.
"About William?" he asked softly.
"Yes… How do you know? Wait a sec, who ratted out on me? Lex or Helen?"
"I'll never tell," he chuckled. "Mockery aside, how are you, Mer?"
"It's been a crappy day, Derek, I admit," she sighed truthfully. "You know what Cristina said to me at the cemetery? That I don't know how to smile anymore?"
"Mer-"
"But I do," she nodded. "I just don't feel like it with you gone."
"I know," he sighed. "I can't find my place without you."
"I had quite a lot of fun by the end of the day though," Meredith told him in a more cheerful voice. "Actually, the whole town had."
"What happened?" Derek asked at once. He really felt like a townie. He missed Meredith but he missed Rachel as well.
"Remember the Monroes?"
"Ah how could I forget?" he quipped. They were still figuring out their relationship at the time. He was working on breaking past Meredith's defenses and… they had some intense sex in that barn. On the other hand, when was their sex not intense?
"The secret is out. Mr. Monroe knows all about Beth and Jeremy and he's not happy."
"Don't tell me he walked in on them?"
"He didn't have to. He's about to become a grandpa."
"No!" chuckled Derek.
"Yes," laughed Meredith. "He was chasing Jeremy all over Rachel. And then me and Owen joined in to stop him. He was showing signs of cardiac problems."
"Is he okay?"
"His EKG shows abnormalities, he's seeing a cardiologist next week."
"Well, I hope he's going to be okay."
"Jeremy sure will be," giggled Meredith. "Thanks to him, we caught the condition early enough."
"That must have been a sight," Derek laughed, relaxing in his chair, as his imagination worked full time.
"It was. I knew you'd have a laugh if you were here," she murmured warmly.
"I'd be too busy running right behind you."
"Right behind me?" she repeated. She could practically hear his smirk.
"Yep, I'd be admiring your shapely derriere," he breathed out hotly.
"What if I'd like to admire yours?" she riposted.
"God, I want you!"
"I want you to," she sighed. "But enough about me. Tell me something about your day."
"So, I saw Helen again. She's doing great, just impatient to get into the OR."
"That's good. Thank you for doing this, I'm sure she's a pain in the ass."
"She's my friend now too," he shrugged. "I came back from Sinai right in time to admit my first patient."
"Oh, how did that go?"
"It… it went well. He's very hopeful… his wife as well…" Derek trailed off, taking a deep breath and she let him get ready. "Meredith… I'm scared."
"I know you are."
"I feel like I'm playing with human life…"
"Because that's what a researcher does, Der. You need to be prepared for that."
"I don't know how…" he confessed.
"Just talk to me," she answered simply. "I won't break, Derek. It has nothing to do with my past, it's about your present and future. Besides, do you remember what you once told me? We can be scared together."
"I love you," he smiled, as his breathing eased out.
"I love you too."
