Disclaimer: Standard rules apply.
Chapter III : Settling
Cailin was already three weeks old and everyone on the ship was still trying to cope with the cries at ungodly hours of the night. I had adamantly taken it upon myself to be the only caretaker of her, not just because I was protective, but I was paranoid as well.
Take into consideration the domestic skills of all three other residents. Though Jet had been more domestic than I was before I became pregnant, I doubt he had any idea of caring for an infant. He's always too distraught with the stench of soiled diapers to even come close as I change her diapers. And for all our sakes, Jet's cooking was at least constricted to feeding those who actually could chew it up. But I can't help my giggles as I watch him come across bottles of baby food where his beloved peppers should be.
Ed, well, I'm just worried that she's too young to handle all these responsibilities. I found one day that she had one of Cailin's diapers strapped onto her head like some kind of headgear. And we've had to keep her away from the baby food, because Ed has a habit of testing out everything whether it's edible or not. But I'm sure she'll be a good baby sitter. From the very few times I've let her hold Cailin, I know that she doesn't see the baby as a toy.
As for Spike…well, I'm still too very wary of his paternal skills to even consider it. True, I may have said that he cared for her, but I didn't say that he would be a great father…yet. He even said so himself. So, for the past weeks, I've been acting like the baby wasn't even Spike's and disregarded him whenever it came to caring for her. It wasn't as if I hurt his feelings, his damn pride makes sure of that, but I'm just not ready to face the fear that one chore concerning our child will make him break his promise and place her back in my arms with a look of disgust written all over his face.
My nights were sleepless nights, and every time I heard a baby cry, I'm already awake and ready. As I picked up my daughter tonight and stared at her little face, her father's features construed in an innocent appearance seemed to remind me of the nights I spent wide-eyed and distressed during his absence.
This was just another night to add to the collection but I didn't mind it as I padded softly on the ship with a sleepy and hungry baby in my arms. I just hoped that whenever Cailin cried at night that she wouldn't wake up anyone else.
No one seemed to be aroused as I routinely passed by the dark living room to enter the kitchen, leaving the light off, and rummaging through and preparing her bottle. Having to do things with one hand was definitely a difficult task to manage, but I didn't want to admit that I needed anyone's help just yet.
But when I dropped the bottle, proceeding to spill its liquid contents all over the kitchen floor, I took a deep breath and reminded myself that this was just a simple mistake.
"Shit," I cried out and stepped back quickly when I felt the liquid seep under my feet.
"Faye? What happened?" I froze when I heard Spike's very awake and very alert voice filter through the room. I turned around and squinted at him in the poorly lit room, where he stood at the doorway with a somewhat curious expression on his face. I stared at him for a long time, but my attention was called away when Cailin's whimpers started forming again.
I sighed and dropped my eyes. "I was trying to screw on the bottle cap and it slipped from my hand," I cautiously admitted, not wanting him to think that I needed him help because I really did not.
When I lifted my eyes again, I saw him move towards me with a straight look on his face. I felt like shoving him out of the kitchen.
"Stubbornness won't do you any good, you know. Asking for help won't kill you, Faye," he smartly said and I scowled, stepping away from his closeness. I grabbed a paper towel and started to bend down with the baby still in my arms to clean up the mess.
My actions were halted, though, when I felt Spike grab the paper towel away from my hand and I looked up at him. What surprised me even more was when I found somewhat of a plead buried in those eyes of his, underneath the wariness. Wariness? Why the hell would Spike be wary?
"I'll clean it up. She needs her milk right now," he told me and I just stood there.
"It's okay, I can do it. I didn't mean to wake you," I tried coaxing him out of it. I was uncomfortable as it was with him being in the room with me, and now he has to offer to help?
He only shrugged noncommittally and bent down to do the task he surprisingly offered to do. "I was up anyway."
I would have been happy to just stand there and gawk at this new and domestic side of Spike, but Cailin became restless and I was quickly drawn from my previous ponderings and proceeded to prepare her bottle once more.
Trying to remain calm was a tricky task all on its own, I have to grudgingly admit. By my feet, on the floor was Spike, and I was all too cautious of our situation. To be completely honest, this was the first time Spike and I were alone together with Cailin. Pathetic, I know, but that's the awful truth. It's hard to explain why this is the first time in weeks we're together, but…for God's sake, I'm still trying to cope with the fact that we're parents.
On the second try, I finally got the top of the bottle screwed on and set the bottle in the water that I previously boiled. As I waited for it to warm up, I lightly bounced Cailin in my arms, trying to ignore the fact that Spike was less than two feet away from me.
He wasn't helping, because he was whistling and also because he just got up and brushed passed me to throw away the soaked paper towel. I wish I was able to shut off the sense in my nostrils, but no can do, and two seconds after he walked by, his scent followed suit and made its triumphant attack on me. A frown skittered onto my face as I stared at the ground, berating myself for acting so stupid. If I can't handle Spike's scent at this point, then I possibly can't succeed in the future.
I let out a gasp, though, when I lifted my eyes and was greeted by Spike's. Even in this awful lighting his one eye still gleamed more than the other. He was looking at me, or rather examining me like I had something growing on my head.
Not wanting to be the one not in control, I stood taller and stared back at him defiantly, challenging his silent analysis. And when I opened my mouth to say something to him, he cut me off, filling the room and my ears with his lazy but sharp drawl.
"Faye," he said, and immediately I backed down from the front line, somehow noting the subdued tone of worry laced in his uninterested one and I just looked at him.
"What?"
"When was the last time you got a good night's sleep? Or ate?" Spike had this way of letting you know that he was concerned, but his concern was something that you couldn't detect with even the sharpest hearing. You'd just have to have known him for a while to figure out when he actually cared.
I frowned and moved past him, partly because I wanted the bottle and partly because I was very uncomfortable with Spike looking at me like that. "Why do you care?"
"I don't," he said, and I felt some part of my heart twinge. That only made me angrier, because I knew his words should have been meaningless to me so I just ignored him, trying not to listen as he continued. "But have you looked in the mirror lately? You have dark circles around your eyes, and you're looking paler than usual."
Whatever effort at being the concerned father-of-your-baby guy wasn't working. I, of course, already knew that I looked like I was deprived of sleep and nutrition. Being the only aesthetic obsessive person on this ship, I'm constantly aghast by the face I'm greeted with in the mornings of this woman who looks worse for the wear with a long story to tell.
I grabbed the bottle from the pot and turned around, angrily looking at Spike as he stood there, eyeing me with either disinterest or distaste, it all really didn't matter to me. "Thanks for your concern, but your vain efforts at caring about me aren't exactly appreciated. I thought this baby wasn't going to change anything between us," I said, testing the milk on my wrist before placing it on my daughter's mouth. I held the bottle for her as she fed, refusing to meet Spike's eyes.
"How can you be so stupid, Faye?"
It was then that I looked up at him, at that weird and undecipherable look in his eyes. And it made me mad. "Excuse me?"
He rolled his eyes, and if I didn't have a baby in my arms, I would've punched him in his face; I was already feeling that tingling running down my arm in a shock wave.
"So you can honestly look me in the eye and tell me that nothing has changed between us?" He scoffed when I glared at him, and I felt my rage collect at the foot of my temper column, slowly making its way up to exceed the calm emotion I had just begun to possess. His smirk expanded when I gave him a silent answer.
"Of course you can't. Because you know it's true, and you hate knowing that I'm right and you're wrong," he said with a hint of arrogance.
I rolled my own eyes and leveled my tone with his. "So you can honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you don't feel uncomfortable with all these…things between us?" I countered his question and watched as Spike remained unfazed, staring at me with that stupid glint in his eyes.
I sighed and returned my attention to the only thing that I knew would calm me down at the moment. She was already halfway done with her bottle and suddenly I felt very tired. Of this, of Spike, and of all the unwanted feelings creeping more out of their corners.
"You think that I can't handle being a father, don't you?" It seemed that I wasn't the only one who was tired. I wanted to deny everything that just came out of Spike's mouth, but the truth hit me harder than the effects of losing gravity and regaining it would. He was right; I wasn't ready to give up my daughter to someone whom I didn't feel was ready to be in this all the way.
As I was slowly being dragged out of my current state into a more sullen, worn one, I could only shrug my shoulders and said, "I'm sorry." And I meant it.
"Why?"
I looked at Spike and noticed that he looked more curious than angry, and that got me puzzled. Knowing his temper, I was sure he would have tried to twist my words. I cast my gaze to the wall behind his head and started to explain my current qualms.
"Because honestly Spike, I can't quite grasp this whole concept yet that you're a father. The whole entire time I was pregnant I've been pinching myself constantly, telling myself to wake up because there was no possible way either of us were ready to have such a big responsibility. We have a fucking child, Spike. How was I going to believe that you were ready for this when I can't even trust you to stay alive?"
"Were you expecting me to just up and leave right when I couldn't handle the downs of parenting?" he asked and I sighed, really hating to be in this position right now.
"Yes…no…God, I don't know, Spike. I'm just so tired right now. I don't only trust you; it's me whom I don't trust either. I mean, come on, not too ago I was 'Faye Valentine', poker guru, a money stealer, and quite possibly the one woman who most people could describe in one word as a slut."
He opened his mouth but I shook my head. It was all or nothing, and he wanted to know the truth, so I'll give him the entire damn truth. "No, it's true, Spike. No one in their right mind could have formed a coherent thought that involved me and raising a child, much less being responsible -- not even myself. After you left, I was in a weird state, where I actually felt like doing something that would be beneficial to me and to everyone, and no, that wasn't by leaving. I figured that if this ship couldn't handle losing you, it certainly couldn't risk losing me for good either. So I stayed. And I actually became responsible, Spike. Can you believe it?" I paused when I felt and heard the suckling sound, taking the bottle and setting it into the sink. I cradled Cailin against my chest and followed her consumption by burping her. As I began to release the extra gas in her body, I laughed and looked at Spike.
"See? This is something completely new to me, and I'm still trying to grasp the fact that this is our baby I'm caring for."
He sighed and I glanced at him, seeing how somber he seemed to have gotten. "Faye, I just want you to understand that you're not the only one who got their act together. Over the past nine months I've been thinking a lot, and I am ready for this, Faye."
I looked at him, believing him. "I'm sorry," I said again. "I just…didn't want to risk anything"
"Risk what?" he asked and I wanted to die for dragging myself into this submission.
I sighed. "Involving you in Cailin's life if you weren't ready for it. Yes, I know you've told me before, Spike, but I just didn't know for sure. People can say things without meaning them."
"This is a child, Faye. My damn child. And you may not believe that I'm capable of raising a kid, but I do, okay? So let's get things settled once and for all," he said and I cast a sideward glance at him, slightly narrowing my eyes. "I am going to be a father. I am going to take care of Cailin. But you need to let me in, Faye, damn it."
Well, considering the urge and fervor in his voice, that was proof enough that Spike was ready to accept the responsibility. I stared at him for a good while, just for kicks before saying, "Alright."
He gave me a nod and looked down at the now sleeping baby in my arms. "Besides, she's just as mine as yours."
That's when I decided that beyond this point our conversation couldn't be any more dramatic or serious than it just was, and I simply rolled my eyes, moving off the counter to prepare for my leave. If he wants to be a father this bad, then I apparently have to choice but to let him.
"Typical," I muttered, not exactly caring for his lunkheadedness at the moment.
We stood there for two minutes and when I had enough of Spike for one night, I moved past him and towards the kitchen entrance. I was a few feet away when I heard his voice, so I stopped and turned my head slightly as an indication for him to continue.
"Can I help you put her to bed?" he warily asked. I looked back at him where he stood next to the sink and gave him a smirk. I may accept his doting request at fatherhood, but there's no way I'm letting him handle our baby just yet.
"You want to help out?" I asked, raising a brow. He nodded and I smiled brightly at him. "Alright. You can start by cleaning up in here," I haughtily said and turned around again leaving the kitchen. I knew he was glaring and grumbling curses my way but I kept my smile, greatly enjoying his distress.
