Disclaimer: Standard rules apply.


Chapter V : Almost Had It There


I knew he was there. The change of scent in the air was enough to become alert that someone else was in the vicinity with me. It was unnerving, but I didn't move. Frankly, I was too lazy to bring myself away from the window.

I had come in here earlier after I had woken up so I could clear my mind a bit and maybe work out a little, but once I stopped in front of the vast windows, I was hooked to the space life, or rather, the lack of it.

I was still miffed about the argument I had with Spike, because I just couldn't understand his reasoning. He was being a pompous ass and that's why I abhor him at times. I decided against arguing with him because I knew it wouldn't come out the way that I would have liked it to. But that does not mean that I'm going to let him keep on getting his way all the time. Oh no, buddy.

I slid my eyes away from the window and towards the entrance of room and saw the cast of a man's shadow on the steel floor, stoic and unmoving. I turned my head and stared at the dark hallway, wondering if Spike was looking at me or not. But then I reminded myself that I couldn't care less and returned my attention to the stars and an occasional spacecraft passing by. Though, my head was anywhere but following the attention of my vision. It was deeply attached to the concept of Spike being in the room with me. I frowned, not wanting him in my head.

And somehow, as I thought more about our situation, a vague but precise recollection swarmed into my mind, dating back to ten months ago. My eyes widened and I winced at the memory, my body suddenly becoming flush. No wonder why Spike didn't just come barging in throwing the fact that he won the battle into my face.

With grueling force, I somewhat pushed the memory out of my head and with a wary glance at Spike's direction walked over to the punching bag in the center of the room. He still hasn't moved, and now that I could actually see him, I noticed that his eyes haven't strayed from where I originally stood.

I pulled my hair into a messy bun and with one last glance towards Spike, I got into a fighting stance and with a swift kick of my leg, the punching bag swayed violently away from me, the intensity of the kick making a resounding boom in the room and the hinges creaked as it mercilessly swung back in my direction.

Before my memories returned to me, I guess it could be said that I was a pretty decent fighter. I mean, surely I wasn't capable of all the stupid martial art skills that Spike possessed, but I did have a pretty mean kick. But as my memories started coming, I slowly began to remember things from my past life. For instance, one morning, I woke up and started speaking fluent Latin. It scared the shit out of me, but then I started getting used to the burst of memories. I started remembering my family and my friends, and I actually remembered what I wanted to do in my life that wasn't to come.

My father had taught me how to fight when I was young. I never knew what he did for sure, but I didn't question it as he educated me on how to skillfully take down an opponent. And even though I sometimes worried about him turning me into a tomboy, I cherished the time we got to spend together. My father wasn't home as much as I'd like for him to be because his work often required him to travel a lot.

I didn't digress though, as I delivered a roundhouse kick to the mobile target and punched the center of it not even three seconds after. When it started coming back to me, my memories were vague, but for some reason these sequences were like second nature to me. I'm supposing that Tang Soo Do was some kind of bond holding me to my memories of my father.

I had forgotten that Spike was even there, so when I paused to wipe the sweat off my brow, I heard soft footsteps and then suddenly he was in the room, his shadow now following a body. I looked up and saw that he was leaning against the window that I had been looking out of; arms crossed and mismatched eyes gazing upon me. He had that same stupid look on his face that he always does, but his smirk was a little bit wider today.

"Didn't know you knew Tang Soo Do," he remarked softly, but his voice had that edginess that obscured any emotion.

I shrugged and without taking my eyes of Spike, I stepped away from the punching bag's trajectory as it came back towards me. The room was quiet again except for the creaking of the chain and my heavy breathing.

"Neither did I," I said and walked around the workout area, moving towards the window next to him. "Remember how I told you that my memory returned to me, before you left?"

"Yeah."

I watched as we were moving away from Jupiter, the planet and the moons getting smaller as we inched our way towards Mars. "For a while, they started coming to me in little bursts; I would suddenly remember something from my past, and sometimes it threw me off balance. It was hard to grasp, all these images of things that I have forgotten floating around my head like how the stars do in space.

My father, he was the one who taught me how to fight. I never knew what he did for, but he just was an expert at martial arts and I just loved watching him when he practiced. His movements were smooth and lithe, and he just looked like one of those guys who could take down ten men in five minutes." I glanced at Spike and chuckled. "Somewhat like you."

"Have all your memories returned to you?"

"Most, but not all. It's weird…comparing my world then and the world now. Things are so different: people are gone; things have changed; it's like I had a past that never existed. You know, the kind that you remember but can't prove. But I'm dealing, I guess. I mean, I can't dwell too much on the past now that I have a future, right?" I shrugged and turned to Spike. He wasn't looking at me; he kept his gaze on the punching bag. "And it probably doesn't matter that I'm telling you. You don't care for my useless ramblings, do you?"

He was quiet for a while, but I never took my eyes off of him. I stared at his face, at the concentrated look on it; the way his brow slightly creased; the tight clench of his jaw. He seemed to be thinking hard about something, and I wondered if he was regretting even asking me one simple question, as I in turn exploited too much information.

Then, his eyes were suddenly on mine, and I was surprised for a moment because I didn't notice that he had turned his head to look at me. I blinked, trying to refocus.

"You'd be surprised if I told you I actually did," he told me and I stared at him, my eyes surely betraying the composed look I tried to pull off.

"What?"

He shrugged and shifted so that his back was leaning against the glass with his right foot propped on it. I watched as he pulled a cigarette of out the pack from the pocket of his sweatpants with long fingers and brought it to his mouth, lighting it. The smell of the tobacco was sweet in my nose, but I had quit months ago. He glanced at me and took the cigarette out of his mouth.

"Do you mind?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, now that you've already pulled it out and lit it, I guess I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

He turned his eyes back to whatever it was that he was staring at and placed the cigarette back into his mouth, taking a long drag. "Can't believe you actually quit."

Narrowing my eyes at him, I shook my head. "You wouldn't have minded a messed up kid?" He didn't reply and I sighed. "As much as I hate to admit, I really have quit smoking. Good Lord, what has Cailin done to me?" I said the latter mainly to myself, but Spike had of course heard it and looked at me with a smirk gracing his mouth.

"Would you like me to start listing some things?" His dry humor didn't faze me as I rolled my eyes, turning so that my right shoulder was resting against the cool glass.

"Go ahead," I said but Spike didn't respond, and after a minute of silence I heard him sigh.

With the cigarette dangling between his lips, Spike pushed off the glass and turned around to look out the window as well. "I didn't come here to argue with you, but I guess that can't be proven possible."

My eyes warily turned to him. "What did you come here for, Spike? It's two thirty in the morning, and I doubt you came here to purposely watch me workout."

"I couldn't sleep," was his lazy reply.

"And you happened to stumble upon me here."

His lips quirked up into a wry smile. "Exactly."

I pursed my lips from saying anything else that would create another quarrel between us, but I couldn't stop all the nastiness from escaping my mouth. "Well, there's nothing else you can be satisfied with that involved shooting me down. You've already won earlier, remember?"

"Why is this such a big deal to you, Faye?"

"Because of the fact that you're not letting me go!" My voice had grown louder, so I pursed my lips and frowned. "I just don't understand why the hell I can't go, Spike. What good enough reason is there to prove that I can't go?"

Spike didn't look at me, but I saw the frown creasing his brow. "There isn't," he said and I sighed.

"So you just decide to overrule my choice to go just like that? No motive or anything behind it?" I shut my eyes and shook my head. "Forget it, I give up."

"Not like you to, Valentine," he said easily and I grunted, raising an eyebrow.

"Not like you to make decisions for me, Spiegel," I countered.

There was a long pause, and it was starting to get uncomfortable for me when Spike spoke. "I guess you're right."

"Huh?" I watched as he blew out smoke against the glass, forming and curving around the window.

Spike shrugged a shoulder. "There really isn't reason for you not going."

"Then why didn't you let me go earlier?" I asked stupidly.

He smirked. "That I can't answer you."

"You can't or you won't?"

"Both."

I rolled my eyes. Well, at least I actually got what I wanted. I didn't really feel like throwing more inquiries on Spike since it was way too late for me to argue, so I just kept my mouth shut, satisfied with our negotiation. This had just reminded me of how both dumb and strange Spike could be.

For the next few minutes, we stayed at our positions, just staring out the window. At some point, Spike had put out his cigarette and then we were enveloped in awkwardness, which made me frustrated. How long is this going to keep up, me being so sketchy around Spike? I just wanted things back to how they used to be: our lives not interfering, Spike being an ass and I being bitchy. Granted, we both still are, but somehow there was a price we paid for our actions that weighed a lot more than I know we both can handle. But I suppose since it is the beginning of our new lives, we were excused from the comfort of being around each other. As ridiculous as that sounds, it was true.

Suddenly, a soft cry filled the acoustics of the room and I was brought from my current state into my maternal one – and I still laugh at that word "maternal" – as Cailin's demands were being made known.

I pulled away from the glass and was about to leave, but Spike cleared his throat and I stopped in mid-step and looked at him.

"Do you think I can…tonight?"

I blinked at him, amusement and surprise coursing through me. Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt for him to do it. I mean, I was pretty sweaty and tired from the workout, so handling Cailin at this hour would be very exhausting for me. So, I nodded at him.

"Sure. I think she's hungry, so I'll go ahead and warm her bottle. You can go get her," I told him and walked out of the room. As I walked past my room, I heard Spike go in there and it just felt really strange. Everything felt strange. I just couldn't believe that Spike was actually going to be so…paternal to Cailin, but then I guess it would happen sooner or later, so I should just get over the shock now. I padded into the kitchen and turned the lights on then went ahead and prepared Cailin's formula. As I set the bottle in the heating water, Spike came in with Cailin in his arms.

My heart skipped a beat, but I couldn't be sure if it was because of the anxiety and paranoia of him dropping her, or because of the emotion that I can't place of seeing him holding her so gently. He glanced at me and in his eyes, I saw that he held a certain look and I almost choked.

Spike was seeking my approval.

For once, the lunkhead was looking for my approval, when for the past two years I had plenty of times been looking for his. I couldn't convey any surprise, because then it would ruin the rawness of all this, so I pursed my lips and gave him a nod. Cailin cooed and Spike returned his gaze to her, engrossed in the infant's actions.

From my position against the range I watched Spike as he leaned on the refrigerator, handling the baby in his arms like it was breakable. This was actually the first time that Spike held Cailin, and I sensed his apprehension, because that was how I felt sometimes holding her against my chest at night. I watched the emotions flitter across his face, and it was just pure amazement to me. Never had I seen Spike act so freaking human, and watching him almost made me cry. And I knew that it was because it wasn't me that could bring such compassion from him, but rather a mistake that we did that could.

I flushed and turned away from him and just watched the pot, feeling foolishly stupid for actually being jealous of my daughter. And for actually wanting to be the one bringing this side out of him. Of course it wouldn't be me to do that, because even if I tried, Spike would shut himself away.

When the bottle was finally warm, I removed it from the water and tested it on my wrist before turning back to Spike and handing it to him.

"Here, you hold the bottle like this," I told him and proceeded to instruct him on how to feed the baby before allowing him to hold the bottle by himself. I stepped away from him and crossed my arms over my chest, refusing any emotions to be present on my face. Because I sure as hell knew that I had too many running through me at the moment.

It was silent in the kitchen as I watched Cailin hungrily take the milk from the bottle, her tiny hands gripping the sides in a desperation that I could relate to. Spike just gazed at her with a wonder in his eyes, and I was pleased to see him finally happy about something. And though I was covetous that it hadn't been me that made him happy, I was glad that it was something that we produced together that did. At least now I was really sure that Spike held true to his word.

When the suckling stopped, I returned my eyes to Spike and saw that Cailin was now done consuming. I took the bottle from Spike's hand and set in the sink, making sure to remember to do the dishes in the morning. When I turned around, I saw that Spike didn't need further instruction and now had Cailin resting against his shoulder, and that he was now gently patting her back. His hand seemed to encompass the entire span of her back, but I knew he was tender in his actions.

"You do it like this, right?" His voice seemed to hold a genuine innocence and was so soft that it was hard matching his demeanor now to his usual fitful personality.

I nodded and decided to give Spike some privacy, so I started moving towards the entrance of the kitchen. "Um, I'm just going to go and clean things up in my room. You can just stay here, or whatever. When Cailin falls back asleep just bring her to the room," I said and quickly ducked out of the kitchen and almost ran to my room like a scared little girl.

Once inside, I let out a breath and chastised myself for being so silly. It wasn't like Spike would come after me, but I didn't want to wait for his answer, in case it was something that I didn't want to hear. Faye the bounty hunter wouldn't have run away from anything, but Faye the mother runs away from responses that won't even hurt her.

In the next thirty minutes I ran around in my room, rearranging things and making something out of the mess that my room was. With a crib it's hard as it is to maneuver around, but with baby junk all over the place, it's just downright unbearable. I stuffed all my dirty laundry in a new hamper that I had bought and piled all the diaper packs in a neat stack, making a decent amount of walking room.

After I was done "cleaning", I flopped down on my bed and tiredly pushed strands away from my face. I was exhausted, and since getting enough sleep wasn't as easy as I wished it would be, I at least needed the sleep that I could get. But as my eyes started to drift close, I realized something and shot back up so fast that it took a few seconds to recover from the sudden dizziness.

I had forgotten that Spike still had Cailin. He hasn't come in yet and I was starting to panic. It doesn't take Cailin thirty minutes to fall back asleep, especially after she ate, so I couldn't fathom as to why Spike didn't place her back in my care. I jumped off the bed and rushed out of my room, running to the kitchen, but when I entered it, it was empty and my heart started to accelerate. Call it a mother's possessiveness, but it just made me fretful if I didn't know where my baby was. If I wasn't so fearful, I would've laughed this new attitude, but I didn't have time to think of anything. I turned and walked out of the kitchen, wondering where Spike had gone.

But as I walked into the living room, I jumped and gasped in surprise and relief. Somehow I missed him in my haste to get to the kitchen, but Spike was sitting on the couch with Cailin on his shoulder. Both of them were sleeping.

I stood there, getting my breath back and I just looked over Spike, at how calm and…happy he looked. With Cailin resting in the crook of his neck, he actually looked the role of a father, and I guess I just wasn't ready to expect that because I was just transfixed in wonder.

Spike. A father. How unreal was that? Well, I suppose not as uncanny as me being a mother, but still, it was Spike and the last thing I'd think of him raising was a child. But here he was, sitting there in an uncomfortable position to sleep in, but he looked so content that you wouldn't have guessed he used to be some cynical man with no purpose in life other than dying.

And you wouldn't have guessed that I used to be a woman who gambled and held no care for anyone other than herself, but I couldn't help as some emotion surged through me that was quite the opposite of resentment toward Spike.

I sat down on the chair across from them, in fear that my legs weren't strong enough to hold me up right now. Because I was floored at my sudden realization.

So now I understood my actions and behavior over the past months of my pregnancy. Hell, now I understood how I felt the day Spike left. But I just didn't understand why it struck me now. I didn't know why this stupid thing couldn't have waited until things settled down before coming to oppress me.

As I sat there for God knows how long, I replayed the past months over in my head, analyzing my actions, now feeling so stupid because I acted like an idiot. I never talked to Spike not because I was afraid he would leave, but because I was afraid I would have accidentally said something that would really make him leave. I wasn't angry at him, but at me because I couldn't grasp the new feeling then. I reacted all those ways lately because well, that's how I'm supposed to act in this…recreation of the heart. And I was afraid to let Spike hold Cailin because maybe somehow he will look at her and know everything that she knew.

He would know that I am madly in love with him. And then he would leave. Because I'm stupid enough to actually fall for a guy like him, to now let things really change between us.

I groaned and leaned forward, setting my elbows on my knees and resting my head on my palms. God, why him of all people! Why should I let a man who has no reason to love me back or even give me a second thought get a hold of a heartstring that I didn't even know existed?

I didn't even know that I could possess love for a single person, but Cailin proved otherwise and now that I've realized it, so had Spike.

I am such a stupid woman.


A/N: Hmm, okay so yeah. There you have it. I hope I didn't rush her silent declaration, but if I didn't do it now, then the romance wouldn't progress. And I know this may read so incredibly cliche, but this is only the beginning. I'm also hoping that they don't seem too OOC, but you have to understand that having a baby screws with people's emotions, especially theirs. So they're pretty vulnerable right now. That, and I was up at two thirty writing this, so excuse the lame mush. )