Dear Sirius,
I have recently received a letter from your head of house regarding an explosion in the Great Hall.
YOUV'E BEEN BACK THERE ONE BLOODY DAY, AND ALREADY YOU AND YOUR BLOODY FRIENDS HAVE STARTED BLOWING THINGS UP!
IF I GET ONE MORE LETTER FROM THE SCHOOL TELLING ME THAT MY SON HAS HEXED A STUDENT, OR SMASHED UP THE TRANSFIGURATION DEPARTMENT, OR BEEN UP AFTER HOURS, I SWEAR, SIRIUS BLACK, I AM DISOWNING YOU!
WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR BROTHER? HE'S NEVER PUT A TOE OUT OF LINE!
YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, YOUNG MAN!
Sincerely,
Mother
Dear Mother,
I apologise for upsetting you. Thank you for the Howler.
Might I advise you go fuck yourself?
Lots of Love,
Your eldest and least favorite son,
Sirius
James,
What's this I hear about you blowing up the Great Hall? James, I understand that school is a stressful place, and that you often need to let off steam. But you've only been at school for a day and I've already got a letter from Professor McGonagall claiming you've been decimating school property.
If you can't find a better way to release stress then I might just have to cut your allowance.
Mother
Dear Mother,
For the record, I am not responsible for blowing up the Great Hall. I don't know who did it, but it wasn't me. Or any of my friends, for that matter.
Please don't cut my allowance. I need that money for dungbombs.
James
James,
As much as I would like to believe you, I highly doubt that the Professors would have written to me had they not sound proof that you were the culprit.
Frankly James, what concerns me was that when I read the letter I wasn't surprised. This suggests that I have grown so accustomed to your misdemeanors that I am unable to be shocked by anything you do anymore.
I really am worried about you.
Your loving Mother.
Dear Mother,
No need to be worried. I shall present to you the flimsy evidence that led to us being blamed for the Explosive Incident in the Great Hall. (Note that 'we' refers to me, Sirius, Remus and Peter)
A. We were uncharacteristically awake at the time of the explosion.
B. We were not in our common rooms at the time of the explosion.
C. We were a quarter of an hour late for class.
D. Everything that goes wrong in this school generally involves me and/or Sirius.
And thats it.
So really you don't need to worry. Because yes, we were late to class, and not in our common rooms and that, but thats because we had discovered the Hall had exploded and so we went down to steal food from the kitchens, because Sirius said he really needed some coffee. Which was understandable because he had the mother of all hangovers since me and him had a bit of a 'Welcome back to Hogwarts' party, but I had less to drink because I passed out for a bit...
Anyhoo, we are totally innocent. Of that particular crime.
From your loving, innocent, kind and caring son
James
Remus,
I understand that you were involved in the desecration of the Great Hall.
Your excuse better be a bloody good one.
Mum
Dear Mum,
It's all Sirius and James' doing. I am just an innocent bystander. Did I tell you I got 112 percent on my Back to School Charms quiz?
Love Remus.
Dear Remus,
You should really pick your friends more wisely, you know.
But 112 percent is a very good mark. I'm proud of you.
Maybe you should think about making some friends that don't get you a months worth of detentions.
Love Mum
xxxooo
To my Darling boy,
I've enclosed your monthly allowance. Don't you go spending it all at once!
Your head of house owled me the other day to tell me that you were involved in some sort of explosion. Are you ok?
I love you,
Mummy
To Mum,
Thank you. I promise I will spend it all on quills.
The teachers were saying that I helped cause the explosion, but it was all Sirius and James. I wasn't involved at all. I was asleep.
Love Peter
So. A months worth of detentions for something we didn't actually do.
How did your parents take it?
My mother says that I need to find a better way to release stress and that nothing I do surprises her any more. She may cut my allowance.
My mother was mortified until I told her my results for the Charms Quiz. Then she brightened up and forgot all about it.
What Charms quiz?
The one I invented so as to not get punished by my mother.
Ah.
I suppose you heard my mother?
Us and the entire population of Hogwarts.
How did you reply to her letter?
I told her to fuck herself.
Wow.
You are disowned for sure.
I doubt she'll let me back in the house.
Nah. You'll be sweet, so long as you say sorry.
Perhaps you should repent your sins and apologise to the satanic hag.
Did you just call my mother a satanic hag?
Look, I know she's your mother but mate, you have to admit, she's a bit of a --
Bitch?
Um, yeah.
I prefer to call her a -
Double detention with McGonagall for the use of coarse language during her class.
I now have seven more detentions than you Prongs.
Really? Watch this.
Triple detention with McGonagall for the abuse of a fellow student.
Did you see Snivellus' face when he realised his toenails were that long? Priceless.
He's livid. I'd watch my backs if I were either of you - thats twice you've hexed him in the space of two days. He'll be pining for your blood.
Shut it Moony. This may be the best thing that happens to me today, what with two detentions this afternoon.
Have you seen Peter recently?
Come to think of it, not since this morning. He definitely got his letter, he got his pocket money – he was really exited. But then he saw something and he ran off... I remember because it was odd.
What was odd?
Well, he ran. Pete doesn't run anywhere.
Shut up. We were feeling sympathetic for my multiple detentioned state, remember?
You brought it on yourself, you know.
