James:

Saturday night

Why does the world hate me? What did I ever do?

Aside from all that... other stuff, of course.

Today was the first Hogsmeade trip, our first outing as fifth years.
And I had a hot date.
It was quite a promising situation, really.

I met up with Dorcas at the gate, and was pleasantly surprised. She had her hair up and when I came over her face erupted in the biggest grin in human history. I realised that she really was quite pretty.
Remus had, beforehand, briefed me on the girl. Shes no Evans, but she is damn good looking and, from what Sirius tells me, quite a snog. I did not ask how he knew this.

"Moony, do you know anything about Dorcas Meadowes?"
"Dorcas Meadowes? Ravenclaw, blonde, good at Ancient Runes?"
"Erm, well, I know she's blonde..."
"She's mad. Totally unhinged."
"Ah."
"She acts like Peter when he's had a couple of sugar quills. Only more so, and constantly."
"Lovely."
"She is one of the most extroverted people you are ever likely to meet. Brilliant, though. Got an unbelievable memory and sharp as a knife. I was her partner for Ancient Runes last year."
"So, you know her?"
"Yes. I believe Sirius does too. Go and ask him and leave me in peace."
"Okay."

Anyway. I came to see that Moony was correct.
She is completely off her rocker.
And its fantastic.

We chatted about Quidditch while Filch let everyone through. Turns out she is an avid supporter of the Kenmare Kestrels. We got into a playful little debate over the Kestrels vrs. Arrows, but all in fun.
In that short period of time I learned that she lives in Westport, her favorite subject is Transfiguration, that she really hates Herbology, that she also hates ice mice, gum and exploding bonbons (she sat on one once). She loves Peppermint Toads and hot chocolate. She also talks quite a lot.
The we boarded one of the coaches out to Hogsmeade, in which we talked some more about how utterly ridiculous Slughorn is, which then got us onto the subject of Snivelly, for whom she shares my loathing.
Our abuse of Snivellus carried us all the way to Hogsmeade. I asked her where she wanted to go, fully expecting her to say 'Madam Puddifoots' like most of my previous girlfriends. But she suggested the Three Broomsticks, for which I was grateful.

We entered, and both ordered butterbeers. And things went downhill from there.
Aside from the odd slurping noise, there was silence for a few minutes as we sipped our drinks. (Not counting all the people chatting in the background, of course)

"You know, I've liked you for ages, James."
I blinked for a bit, unsure of what to say.
"Erm... thanks."
There was an awkward silence. It sounded even weirder to me – she'd been talking non-stop the entire date.
I have discovered, in my many years of schooling, that the best way to end an awkward silence while on a date is to snog the date.
We are assuming the date is a girl, of course.
This, shockingly, I did not learn this from my professors.
Anyway. I snogged her.
And for the record, Sirius was absolutely right.

It was at this precise moment that Lily chose to walk past, looking very beautiful and windswept. She was accompanied by my good friend and loving neighbor Nina (ha!) and a pretty blonde girl that I was unacquainted with.
She walked right past our table, surveyed both me and Dorcas with disgust and muttered to the blonde something along the lines of "Another one bites the dust"
The blonde sniggered at this and they walked off to order some drinks.
It didn't seem that funny to me. But maybe it's like when I replace the word 'seriously' with 'siriusly' in conversation. Nobody other than Remus and Peter find it amusing - Sirius just finds it aggravating.
Anyway, I unplugged myself from Dorcas and glanced over at Lily, who was then sitting down at a table and laughing airily at something Nina had said. She has never seemed all that impressed by my popularity with the females of Hogwarts. In fact, she seems to find it repelling.

As lovely as Dorcas was, I couldn't really concentrate on smooching her with Lily in such close proximity.
"Do you, uh, wanna leave?" I smiled my most charming an alluring smile at Dorcas. She grinned impishly and fiddled with her hair.
"Mm. We should find somewhere more... quiet."

On the way out, I distinctly heard Lily say "He's got himself a new slut, then?"
"Dorcas isn't that bad. She's ridiculously smart." Nina said reasonably, and took a swig of her butterbeer.
"If she was smart she wouldn't be making out with that asshole in public." Lily responded.

I swear, my face was on fire. Half the pub heard her - my self esteem took a huge blow.
Why, oh why is she so cruel? What did I do to her?
Not counting the dungbombs, hair pulling, poking, sabotaging of homework, drenching in pumpkin juice, numerous hexes and curses, imitations, rude comments and name calling.

Isn't that a little self explanatory?

First Sirius, and now you. Can't you all just bugger off?

No.

If you like her so much, perhaps you should try being nice to her.

Yes, a little tip: Girls don't like it when you charm their homework to hit them repetively on their heads until they bleed.

They don't find it very attractive at all.

Hallo. What are we all talking about?

Hello Peter.

BUGGER OFF!

I just had the strangest feeling of de ja vu...

Don't speak in French, Moony.

Yes, you'll make Jamesies brain sore. And we wouldn't want that, would we now?

il n'est pas cerveau!

GO AWAY!

I distinctly remember the very same thing happening with my notebook.

What?

Anyway, the point is that if you like a girl, the best way to woo her does not lie in '101 hexes for your foes'.

Teasing her keeps her interested... I'm playing hard to get.

1: Only girls play hard to get.
2: Face the facts. She never was interested and she never ever ever ever ever will be.

It is pretty unlikely. You should just forget about her... Dorcas is nice.

But James has liked Lily forever... and all the girls like James, don't they?

Lily is the exception to the rule, my friend.

It wouldn't be so irritating that she doesn't respond to my charms if only she had a boyfriend... then it would at least be an obvious reason for her not to swoon at my advances.

James, if she had a boyfriend that would just make you jealous.

And you'd hex the boyfriend, making her hate you even more.

Or, this could happen: Lily gets a boyfriend, and his name is Jacob-Bobfred Jones. Okay? And then they get married. But then he turns out to be a minion of Grindelwald and Grindelwald decides that he loves Lily and so Jacob-Bobfred Jones is assigned to kidnap her. So, one dark and stormy night, while Lily is exiting the bathroom, Jacob-Bobfred Jones jumps on her and immobilizes her and wraps her up in a potato sack. And then he carries her over lots of fields and farms and things, because they live in the countryside. But he gets very tired and then he gets lured into a bog by a Hinkypunk called Pinky, and then this Hippogriff attacks him. And the Hippogriff's name is Mr Hoongenshlagenveegan, because he is German.
And while all this is happening, James is walking past to go and buy a quill. And he sees the potato sack and knows Lily is in it, because he performs Legitimency on Jacob-Bobfred Jones, and so he grabs his broom, flies into the bog, feeds Jacob-Bobfred Jones to Mr Hoongenshlagenveegan, and rescues Lily. And then Lily goes:
"Oh how I love you James. You have saved me from my evil husband, a malicious German Hippogriff and a morally challenged Hinkypunk."
And James goes:
"Oh Lily, I love you too, and your hair is soft and shiny. Will you marry me?"
And Lily says:
"Of course James"
And they get married and live happily ever after and have a child whom they name Jacob-Bobfred Jones, because it was him, after all, who brought them together.
The End.

Right

Right...

You've been thinking about that for a long time, haven't you Peter?

It could happen!

Peter, Grindelwald has been dead for almost twenty five years. Until someone manages to perform a successful necromancy, its not happening.

Nina and Lily are coming this way!

Hide the book, hide the book!


Sirius:

Dear Diary,

I hate Lily Evans.
She set up Nina, gorgeous Nina, exquisite, picturesque and many other words for beautiful Nina.
With
Amos
Diggory
who
is
the
worlds
biggest
prat
apart
from
my
brother.
I hate Lily Evans.

- Sirius


Remus:

Common Room
Saturday
8:29 pm

Poor Sirius. I feel so sorry for him.
Well, not really. It's hurt his pride more than his heart. The idea that another guy got a girl he liked before he did has really bruised his ego.
Still sad though. He's slumped on an arm chair next to the fire, looking like a wounded puppy.
It's all because of the conversation we overheard today in the Three Broomsticks, which went like so:

Lily: He's got himself a new slut then?
Nina: Dorcas isn't that bad. She's ridiculously smart.
Lily: If she was smart she wouldn't be making out with that asshole in public.
Nina: You just don't like him because he's better at Transfiguration than you are.
Lily: That isn't true! I don't like him because he's a git. He struts down the hallway, ruffling his hair all the while, grinning at the hordes of giggling bimbos surrounding him, hexing anybody who breathes without his say-so. And he's always playing tricks on everyone, with no consideration for anyone else, just getting kicks out of embarrassing other people. Him and his stupid friends. Barging in everywhere... (mutters darkly)
Remus: (Turns pink)
(Bob: Thats us, tiger!)
Nina: For someone you supposedly detest, you sure pay a lot of attention to him...
Lily: It's impossible not to – thats the reason he pulls all his stupid pranks. For attention. (Pause)
And he is not better at Transfiguration than me!
Nina: Sure sure.
Girl-who's-name-starts-with-S-that-I-can't-remember: So, anyway, when are you meeting Amos, Nina?
Nina: Later. Lily will know. She arranged the whole bloody thing.
Lily: You liked him the entire of last year! How come you're not more interested?
Nina: Eh. I'm not particularly interested in all this dating crap.
Girl-who's-name-starts-with-S-that-I-can't-remember: (Giggles) Just the aftermath, eh Nina?
(Scuffling noises from underneath their table, which I assume was a footsie war, and a small 'ow' from the Nameless Girl. Nina grins and leans back in her seat in a very James-like fashion, proud of her small victory)
Lily: You're meeting him at three thirty.

It was at this point Sirius became too distraught to continue dining in the Three Broomsticks and we were forced to leave.
Ok, Sirius looked pouty for a bit, and said
"Lets go" in an irritated way.

James is looking annoyed. It must be because Lily made a snide comment or two when she saw him and Dorcas kissing.
So did Sirius, but I suppose James doesn't feel quite the same way about him.
Because that would be slightly disturbing.

Have another study session with Lily on Wednesday. I just hope it goes better than last time.