Reposted and edited a LOT. XD


So.

So.

SO.

So what?

I'm not in the mood, Ninny.

In the mood for what?

For you being arseholey.

I was not being arseholey.

You were too!

Was not!

Now you're just being indignant!

Lily, I simply wanted to know what was going on in your life, because I love and respect you so much as a friend.

Lies.

Perhaps, but that is besides the point. What exactly is wrong?

I failed Transfiguration.

No, you didn't. I saw your exam results.

I failed Herbology.

You always fail Herbology.

I'm not going to get my Potions assignment in on time.

I think we are getting closer to the truth now.

I think you need to GO AWAY.

Lily, if it was not your intention to tell me exactly what is wrong, then you would have not passed the note to me.

I did not pass the note. I was intending to write a diary entry.

Lily, that is what your diary is for.

I don't have a diary.

So that fluffy pink notebook is just for show?

Shut it.

Not until you tell me what is wrong.

I have no intention of yielding to your insatiable curiosity.

Oh, but you will.

I will?

You will.

Why will I?

Because I have...

You have...?

YOUR DIARY!

No you don't.

Pray, why?

Because I have it in my bag, you silly bitch.

Damn.

You can go away now.

I take it this has something to do with SeƱor Lupin?

Fuck off.

What's he gone and done now?

Oh, nothing.

Look, tell me, or I will kill your owl.

I don't have an owl.

Please?

No.

You'll tell me eventually, you know. Might as well get it over and done with.

I am ignoring you.

So, has he been... snogging other girls?

Ignoring you.

Snogging other BOYS?

Not speaking to you.

Refusing to help with the project?

As if I am speaking to you.

Pushing you for it?

STOP PASSING ME NOTES. WE WILL GET CAUGHT BY PROFESSOR BINNS AND DIE.

Won't go on a date with you?

I don't understand why you are so bad at Divination.

He won't let anyone see him kissing me, or holding hands with me, or even just being around me! Especially his friends. If he's with his lot, he always makes sure to be as far away from me as is physically possible.

Wow. That was a good guess.

Its like... he's embarrassed of me! And when I finally asked him directly, since he won't ask me, he just said "Sorry, Lily, but I'm not going!"

And here you were, thinking he was perfect, when, in reality, he just can't stand to be around you.

Don't rub salt in my gaping, bleeding wounds.

But its so fun!

You're such a cow.

Well, what are you going to do now?

I don't know, Ninny. I just don't know.

You know what you should do?

What?

Drown your sorrows in mead.

No.

Fine then. I will go and find someone less frigid and boring to accompany me.

I think not.

You're not my mother, Lily.

I think not, because I confiscated it.

You WHAT?

I confiscated it.

Why would you do that to me?

Because I'm a prefect, and alcohol is prohibited on school grounds.

PROHIBITED?

Prohibited.

What did I do to make you HATE ME?

Well, Ninny, its a very long list. If you want me to pick out the top ten, I can do so. The first one would be that time you got me completely inebriated and made me sing that awful song on stage in front a very large audience.

Well, I thought it might help improve your self confidence.

IMPROVE MY SELF CONFIDENCE? I couldn't look at anybody in the eye for the rest of the year! I still haven't fully recovered.

Oh, don't be silly. Everyone's forgotten about that now.

No, they have not! Only the other day I asked a seventh year if she could please tell me the time, and she burst into fits of laughter and scampered off humming that ABOMINABLE song-

PUFF THE MAGIC DRAAAHGOOOOOOON! LIIIIIIIIIIVES BY THE SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA!

It did NOT sound like that when I sung it.

It so did.

Well, it was utterly mortifying. I don't know why you thought it would improve my self confidence. It may have the opposite effect, in fact. I will possibly never able to speak to a crowd again.

It may not have been one of my more brilliant ideas, but I wasn't exactly sober at the time either, Lily. In fact, I think you'll find, if you think REALLY HARD, that you had two backup dancers. And that I was mysteriously missing from the bar at the time of the incident.

I was too drunk to notice. Who was the other dancer?

Sarah.

No... no, she wasn't.

Yes it was. I distinctly remember lots of blonde hair.

No, Sarah was in the hospital wing, because you accidentally pushed her out of the window because she made a crack about your hair.

What was wrong with my hair again?

You turned it blue in Transfiguration and it wouldn't turn back.

I remember now.

But then... who was back up dancer number two?

I can't think. Blonde hair... blonde hair...

It wasn't... Potter in a wig, was it?

No, Potter was in the audience.

Black?

Nope. I'm pretty sure they had boobs.

Black in a wig and a stuffed bra?

Drunk or not, he has a little more dignity than that.

Wouldn't want to hurt his precious pride. You sure it wasn't Potter?

No. Although, he does often dress up in womens clothes when drunk.

Pray tell!

Well, over the holidays, he had Black over, and Black had got some firewhiskey from somewhere. Potter didn't hold his drink so well, and they got in a bit of a silly mood. Black helped him put on in his mothers best dress robes, and then he put on a lot of makeup and pretended to be Blacks mother. This was until Mrs Potter returned home. And she told my mother about the whole thing the next day.

Oh, thats good. I am so telling EVERYONE!

Anyway, I know it wasn't Potter, because he passed out. Could never take his drink too well. Or maybe he just fainted in awe of your beautiful performance.

That was my first experience with alcohol, you know. You ruined it for me.

Oh shut up. You seem to have a healthy relationship with it now. I have no reason to doubt why you chose this troubling time to steal my drink.

Confiscated. Confiscated your drink.

Confiscated my arse. You ARE drowning your sorrows in mead, and you don't need my help.

Don't be silly. I don't need drink. SCHOOLWORK is my drink.

Yeah, and I'm shagging Dumbledore.

You are?

Sarah, dear, it is time to introduce you to something called SARCASM.

Don't patronize me, Lily.

Yeah, Lily. Don't patronize her. Its not her fault she's more gullible than a two year old.

Am not.

Oh, look. Someone wrote 'sucker' on the ceiling!

I can't believe you looked.

I can't see it, Ninny.

Sarah, I'm about to teach you a very important life lesson. So listen up.

I'm listening.

Yeah, I'm listening too, McGonagall.

Never listen to anything Ninny says. It is her satanic mission to lead you down the path of SIN.

Of course its not, Sarah. Don't listen to the tart with the halo. Now go fornicate like a good girl while I initiate Lily into a secret cult with a ceremonial pagan ritual.

Stop making fun of me!

But your reaction is so entertaining.

Nina, don't push it. I'll put you in detention for harassment.

Not this weekend, please. I have a date.

With AMOS?

No, with bloody FATHER CHRISTMAS.

Nina, he's not real.

HE IS TOO REAL!

She's teasing you, Sarah.

Anyway, back to the topic. Sarah, you weren't present when Lily made that beautiful performance after Gryffindor won the Quidditch cup, were you?

No, I missed it, sadly. You pushed me out of a window.

Oh, stop bringing that up. It was only a small shove.

We were eight floors up! I could have died!

Well then, its lucky that giant pile of manure broke your fall.

You stunk for weeks, Sarah.

Yes, dragon dung tends to be rather potent.

Why were you asking about that anyway?

Well, Lily had two backup dancers for her lovely presentation. I was one of them, but the other one wasn't you, and they had lots of blonde hair and tits.

James Potter in a wig and stuffed bra?

That was my first guess too. But he was in the audience.

Well, I'm stumped. But the bell just rung, and we have to go to Herbology now.

Yes. I believe we are dealing with Venus Man Traps today, which are very fond of dragon dung, I believe. Best be careful, Sarah.

SHUT UP.