I LIVE.
Now, before you UNHINGE YOUR JAWS and SWALLOW ME WHOLE, I have some brilliant excuses for taking so bloody long to update. First off, I had a long holiday in Europe. Upon arriving home, my computer welcomed me back by imploding. I had to wait a few months for a new one (which is shiny and beautiful and gives me warm fuzzies inside), and THEN I was visciously attacked by English/Latin/Science/Music tests and/or assignments. So,I know its been a while, and I'm sorry. :)
BEFORE YOU READ THIS CHAPTER GO BACK AND RE-READ THE VERY EDITED CHAPTER 17. I would have incorporated the edits into this chapter, but I realised they worked better in the previous, so there you go.
Now Enjoy. XD
Well, its the Halloween feast tonight, and I'm not sure if I'll be attending. My head is a little sore, you see.
It had been about a week since Lily stole my Secret Stash, no doubt to drown sorrows and try to forget her polyscelus situation. She also manages to keep her dignity, as she took it in the pretence of doing me a favour. I don't really want to count the number of times that I've said:
"I'm off for a drink"
"Ninny, why do you always turn to a bottle whenever something crappy happens?"
"Because its more comforting and a better listener than you or Sarah"
"Ninny, you have a DISEASE. You know that, don't you?"
"And you belong in a home for the SOCIALLY RETARDED"
"Well, you should GET SOME HELP"
"Now who's calling the academically challenged drunk an alcoholic?"
"... I am, Ninny."
"Perhaps..."
And then I will shuffle off to have a drink while doing Charms homework. Because that way, while I may be not taking Lilys advice and drinking, I am taking her advice by doing my homework. So she can't complain. Although she does, especially when I get 10 percent on my work. But there you go.
Well, now she's saying she's finally done what she's been threatening to do since my Secret Stash evolved beyond lollies, and taken it all.
Bloody hypocrite.
Well, needless to say, I was feeling a bit down, due to horrible withdrawals, and would have killed for a glass of firewhiskey. So, I was walking off towards my dorm to try and turn the jug of water in there into wine, like they taught us in Transfiguration, when I overheard Black and Lupin talking.
"Aw, Moony. Why the long bottom?" Black asked.
"Look, your name isn't exactly normal either!" Frank snapped as he passed the two.
"No reason."
"Its the Forbidden Fruit, isn't it?"
"The what?"
"Well, we need to give her a code name, lest we be overheard."
"Did you just say 'lest'?"
"We're studying Shakespeare in Muggle Studies,"
"And I see that you're taking the subject to heart,"
"Its very interesting."
"I thought you only took Muggle Studies to agravate your mother?"
"I did. What aggravates her even more is when i do well in it. But you are avoiding the subject. HAVE YOU TOLD JAMES."
"Well, you can see that I have all my limbs still attached,"
Black gave him a cold glare. "I swear I will tell him myself. And you know he'd rather hear it from you."
"Its not such a big deal!" Lupin said with a dismissive swoop of his hand. "I mean, it doesn't even matter if I tell him or not. He's not going to make a mountain out of a molehill!"
Another look.
"Moony, have you ever heard the tale of Helen of Troy?"
"Yes, but Helen of Troy was married to Menelaus. He had a claim over her."
"Even so. Helen had her way with some handsome prince and it started up a very bloody ten year war!"
Remus frowned. "How do you know this?"
A shrug. "Muggle studies."
"Look, Sirius, I'm not telling James. Then he would make me give her up, because I don't do well under pressure and/or torture. And I... really like her."
Black looked at his face for a long time.
"Gah, alright then. You can keep her. I won't tell James. But you have to promise me that, if he does find out, I knew nothing about it."
Lupin snorted. "Done."
"So... what is happening between you and the Apple of Eden?"
"My god, Sirius. The Apple of Eden?"
"I'm a very creative person."
"Nothing is happening."
"Nothing? Nothing as in... no snogging?"
"No – well, yes, but that's not really the problem... "
"If that be the case, there's a lovely Hufflepuff girl I hit on the other day that seemed pretty desperate."
"Sirius, I'm not sexually frustrated."
"Well, if you removed that stick from your arse and stuck it somewhere else, then I'm sure you'd be a happier person. It does a lot for ones disposition."
"You seem to be awfully well informed."
"Oh yes. Don't look so shocked – have you even met Helena?"
"I can't say I've had the pleasure."
"Hmm, yes. The 'pleasure'."
"For gods sake, Sirius, do you ever think of anything else?"
"Why would I want to do that?"
"Some people seek something a little bit more deep in a relationship."
He laughed at this.
"Well, whatever you and the Unobtainable Orange are seeking, you both need a shag."
"Look, shut up, Sirius. There is absolutely nothing missing in me and Lily's relationship."
"Well then, why the long bottom?"
"Shut up about my name!" Frank walked past again.
"Well..."
"Go on, Moony. Spill."
"Lily is angry with me because I won't take her to Hogsmeade." Remus blurted out, as fast as he could, as though to get it over and done with.
"Why won't you take her to Hogsmeade?" Black asked incredulously.
"Because James would spot us."
"Ah. Good point. And I suppose she thinks you're shunning her?"
"Exactly. She is of the opinion that I think she's good enough for a snog, but not for anything else."
"Ah, women." Black sighed and leaned back in his chair in a way that was incredibly sexy. "So difficult." I was, needless to say, rather offended by this comment, but did not dare reveal my position yet.
"Well, I can help you there, my friend."
"How will you do that?"
"Distract James."
"And, uh... how will you do that?"
"Oh..." Black said with an evil glint in his eyes. "Its best you don't know."
Lupin looked a little worried, and Black said
"Bring the Prohibited Grapefruit to Hogsmeade next weekend. You will have no disturbances."
"The Prohibited Grapefruit?"
"I'm running out of fruit metaphors."
"Sirius... you're not going to do anything... illegal, to get him out of the way, are you?"
"No! Well... actually... nothing that I'd get sent to Azkaban for. Unless James was a year or so older. But even then, I wouldn't go to Azkaban." Black informed him brightly. Lupin squirmed in his seat.
"In the meantime, Moony, I think you need a drink."
"Oh, no, Sirius, I don't think -"
"Its Butterbeer."
"Well, I suppose that's ok then."
I was exited by the mention of a drink, but withheld jumping on a bottle upon realising it was non-alcoholic.
That was until Lupin spluttered and coughed
"That's not Butterbeer!"
"I know." Black said dryly. "I lied. But you should drink it anyway."
To my surprise, Lupin did as he was told.
My impulses became too strong, and I leapt out from behind the large pot plant where I was hiding.
"Give me the alcohol." I demanded in a hoarse voice.
"Woah, Agglebury. Calm." Black chuckled.
"NOW." I commanded. Seeing, from Blacks raised eyebrow, that I was not going to get my way, I changed tact.
"Please. I will do anything." I got down on one knee and prepared to beg. I was that desperate.
"Well then, Agglebury." he smirked at me. "While you're down there..."
"No sexual favours."
"Damn. All right then, but you owe me for aiding you in a moment of need." he passed me a bottle. I was confused by the Butterbeer bottle, but once taking a swig of it, realised that is had been mislabeled.
"Clever to hide it like that."
"I thought so." he looked very smug at this, and I wished I hadn't said it. Unable to think up a snappy retort, I resolved to take a large mouthful of the burning liquid.
"Nina!" Lily scolded across the room, from where she emerged from the dorms. "That had better not be mead you're drinking."
"Lily! I would never dream of it!" I reassured her, a somewhat unconvincing display, ruined by Blacks sniggering. "Look, it's Butterbeer."
She calmed at a look at the bottle, and I invited her to join us.
"Ahm..." she glanced over and saw Lupin, and turned a violent shade of red. "Better not. I've got... ah, Remus – I mean homework to do."
She scuttled out of the portrait hole quicker than she probably would have done normally.
There was a pause and then -
"Did she nearly say she had 'got a Remus to do'?"
There was the sound of Lupin slapping his forehead.
--
A few hours later, when we were all considerably drunk, we were joined by James Potter, his face red and his hair more ruffled than usual, if that was even possible. He looked a bit... embarrassed, a new emotion for the usually shameless James.
"Where've you been?" Black asked, a slight slur detectable in his voice.
"With Dorcas." he looked as though he might have elaborated, had he not spotted me.
This was nonetheless followed by wolf whistles and catcalls from Black and some comments that would probably not escaped Lupin had he been sober.
"You're drunk, aren't you?" James asked in a disapproving tone.
"Not drunk." giggled Lupin, waggling a finger. "Just a little bit... t-tipsy!" he fell over himself, giggling hysterically. I had never before seen Lupin so unrestrained. Neither, it seemed, had James, who was looking at him with a mixture of surprise and amusement.
"Well" he said "What are you sitting there like dumb idiots for? Get me a bottle!" This was followed by much applause.
A bottle was fetched, and James settled in a chair, when yet another visitor graced us with his presence.
"Wormtail! Where've you been?" Sirius said heartily, the slur a little more pronounced now.
"Erm..." he said reluctantly. "Studying."
"Studying?" Black spluttered, as though Peter had admitted to having spent the time trying to get accepted into Slytherin.
"Well, theres OWLs coming up and... I'd like to pass." Peter said quietly, while they all roared with laughter, minus Remus.
"Good for you, Pete." his slur was evidently apparent.
"Yeah, Peter. If you study really hard you might end up as happy as Remus." I offered, grinning stupidly. Again, James and Black chuckled. However, both Lupin and Peter looked embarrassed, and I found myself a bit ashamed.
"Sorry." I giggled at them, and, despite it perhaps being not the most polite apology, they looked a little cheered.
"So, Prongs. What sordid activities did you get up to with Miss Ravenclaw in your absence?" Black grinned malevolently.
"S'none of your business." he said darkly.
"Ooh, what happened? Did you make a pass, and get rejected? Did you not meet her expectations? Oh! Don't tell me you got caught at it!"
James scowled, and looked in my direction.
"Oh, don't withhold information on my behalf, James. I know all your secrets already ."
"You don't know all my secrets."
"Yes, I do. I spent twelve years finding them all out. Your pretty little girlfriend might be very interested to know what you did with Mr Pinkles."
"Don't you bring Mr Pinkles into this!" James said in a slightly higher voice than normal.
"Mr Pinkles?" Peter giggled, and they all laughed, James not included.
"Fine." he huffed, and I chuckled with satisfaction. "We got caught."
"Oooh!"
"By who?"
James' face went from red to white. "Prefect."
"Bloody snoopers."
"They get their shits and giggles out of catching other people at it, don't they?"
"We were only kissing!"
"Whatever you say, Prongsie."
"Anyway." James cleared his throat. "Whats the occasion? And, Nina, what the hell are you doing here?"
"Moony is sexually frustrated." Sirius offered, as the Lupin smothered his face in a pillow.
"And I am here because Lily stole my mead." I said, helping myself to another bottle.
"Evans drinks?" Sirius seemed quite shocked, and I didn't really blame him.
"Well, she's taken it under the pretense of prefectual duties." I informed them. "But I think she's just depressed."
"Why?" James leaned forward in his seat, interested for reasons of which we were all of us aware.
"Because --" I stopped. I wasn't quite drunk enough not to notice the expression of terror on Lupins' face, and Blacks' giant wince, and my foggy brain recalled some of the conversation I had heard earlier. "She's, ahm, sexually frustrated."
This was followed by roars of laughter, relieved on Black and Lupins' side. It occurred to me that it probably might not be the best of plans to reveal Lily and Lupins relationship at present.
"Sexually frustrated, eh?" James grins and leans back into his seat, taking another swig out of his bottle. "Can think of a few ways to fix that."
"In your dreams, Potter. Lily hates you." James frowned at this.
"Oh, yeah, in his dreams. You should see his sheets in the morning." Black stuck his feet up on the chair opposite, forcing Remus to move to the chair arm.
"EW! That is something I did not want to know!" I said in disgust.
"Anything else you'd like to share, Padfoot?" James asked through gritted teeth.
"Well. There was that time when --" Peter began
"Wormtail, mate."
"Yeah?"
"That was a veiled threat."
"Oh. I was just getting into the spirit of things."
"I know, Pete. Its ok."
"Well," I said, after drinking the last of my bottle. "I'm off to bed."
"Aw, come on, Agglebury."
"You've never been one to go home in the middle of a party."
I laughed. "This isn't a party, James. This is you and your bum boys getting drunk in the middle of the common room."
"Oi!"
"Thats off!"
"We're not drunk yet!"
"Well..."
"Not very drunk."
"Only a little bit."
And then they all fell over themselves giggling.
"Nina! Ninny, what are you do--" Lily asked sleepily as she descended from the girls dormitory stairs. "Why are you here with them? What are you doing?" she frowned and looked a little confused. You couldn't blame her. It was about one in the morning.
"What does it look like, Evans? We're having an orgie." Black told her, and James and Peter fell out of their chairs.
"Funny." she sneered at him. "Nin, come to bed, please."
"Agglebury can do whatever the hell she wants. She's a big girl now." Black continued.
"I was just coming up anyway." I said, glaring at them all. Or trying to. There were five of them, and I only had two eyes, and was not a little drunk.
"You could join us, Evans. We were just about to bring out the whipped cream and handcuffs."
"Shut up!" she said fiercely. They did. "you should all go to bed, too."
"Good idea. Yours, or mine, Evans?" James grinned at her.
"You're revolting." she told him. "Come on, Nina." I had not yet recovered sufficient balance enough to protest, and followed her.
"Wait! Lily!" Remus got up from his chair. He'd been fairly silent for the past hour. "I need to ask you something."
Lily eyed him apprehensively. He led her (and me, who was attached to her arm for support) behind the potplant I had used to hide in earlier.
"Lily." he whispered, swaying a little.
"You're drunk, Remus."
"I've had a drink." he shrugged.
"Remus!"
"He made me!" Remus said, still whispering, and pointed an accusing finger at Black, who was now doing an impression of Lily telling them all off.
"What is it you want?"
"Will you come with me to Hogsmeade next weekend?"
"Oh, for goodness sake." she snapped. "Ask me in the morning, when you're sober."
And she huffed off to bed, dragging me along with her.
--
I got drunk.
I've never been properly 'drunk' before. I mean, Sirius has forced a bottle on me once or twice, but I've never actually drunk so much as to be intoxicated. Not that it takes much. I mean, I get tipsy on two bottles of butterbeer.
It was then, of course, that I asked Lily to go out with me. She didn't take me seriously, since I could barely stand upright.
What surprised her was when I asked her again in the morning. I had finally found a way to escape my predicament, you see. Sirius offered to distract James that particular weekend. It would probably be more legally advisable for me to be unaware of his methods.
She did a funny thing with her lips – she twisted them around and bit them and pursed them and, just when I was worried she was going to chew them off, she looked at me and said "Alright then," and hurried off.
This is an odd, odd relationship we are in.
IF YOU REVEIW
BANANA LOVES YOU
IF YOU CANT BE STUFFED
THEN YOU ARE A POO
I'm not even sure if that rhymes. Mpff. It gets the message across. Marshmallows to all reveiwers!
Banana :)
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