Prompt: Stef not taking Lena seriously and hurting her feelings when Lena says she wants to have a baby.


"I think I want to have a baby," Lena said, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. They were on their way home from visiting their friends who just had a baby two weeks ago. As Lena had held the infant, listening to him coo softly at her and the hiccupping cries that came when he grew hungry, she had been overwhelmed. Holding a person so small and delicate – it had made a familiar ache she'd long suppressed come roaring back to life.

"What?" Her wife Stef said, surprised.

"I think I want to have a baby," she repeated.

Stef snorted in laughter. "Because our five children aren't enough?" she said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I guess," Lena said. She turned to stare out the window. As the buildings and trees passed by in a blur, she tried to stifle the anger that was suddenly smoldering inside of her. Stef appeared oblivious to the tension as they spent the rest of the drive in silence; Lena nursing the hurt caused by her wife's glib comment. When they reached the house, before the car was even off Lena got out without saying a word. Slamming the door behind her, she stormed into the house. She went upstairs to their bedroom and slammed that door as well. Sure that Stef would be up any moment wanting answers, she paced around the room while trying to force her mind to form complete thoughts but the boiling anger made it impossible.

Within minutes she heard the door open and click shut again. She stopped pacing and stood with her back to her wife; staring out the window.

"Lena, what's wrong?" Lena closed her eyes, frustrated at her inability to speak through her emotions. "Lena," Stef pressed. She took a deep breath and forced her voice to work.

"Of course our children are enough," she said quietly.

"Honey, I was joking," Stef said. Lena could hear the confusion in her voice.

"I know. But I wasn't."

"Lena, what are you talking about?" Stef asked desperately. Lena sighed and turned to face her wife.

"I wasn't joking. I want to have a baby." She looked down at the floor, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable.

"Sweetheart, I…" Stef stammered, dumbfounded. "I feel like this is coming out of nowhere. Is it just because we saw April and Jack's son?"

"No. I mean, that's part of it. But I've been thinking about this for a while. I'm going to lose my chance if I don't do it soon. I'm already too old for a lot of fertility clinics but I think I'd like to try."

Stef sat on the edge of the bed. Her brows were drawn together and there was bewilderment in her eyes. Clearly she hadn't seen this coming. Lena sat in front of her on the window seat, feeling anxious but also slightly relieved. "Lena, do you really want to go through all of that again? The late night feedings and the diapers? The crying and the spit up and potty training?" Lena looked down again, an ache deep in her chest. Her chin wobbled and she pressed her lips together, adamantly fighting the urge to cry.

"Stef…" She paused. Looking back up at her wife she was overwhelmed with sadness. "I never went through any of that." Stef's face contorted and she shook her head as she readied herself to disagree.

"What do you mean you didn't-" She stopped herself and Lena could see her thinking. Her mouth opened then closed, confusion furrowing her brow. Lena pursed her lips and waited for her to understand. Finally, realization swept across her face and she hung her head, sighing deeply. "Sweetheart. I'm…" She looked at Lena, regret swimming in her eyes. "I'm so sorry. We met when Brandon was so little. I guess it all just blended together in my mind. We've been through so much together it's hard for me to even remember my life without you." Their knees brushed together when Stef leaned forward and took Lena's hands in her own. "I am so sorry, love."

Lena sighed. Her anger had already subsided, leaving an empty anguish in the pit of her stomach. "I know." She squeezed Stef's hands, hoping to silently communicate what she was struggling to put into words. "Sometimes I almost forget I wasn't there. But when I'm reminded that I wasn't, I'm overwhelmed with an emptiness that I can't fill. I think about Brandon and the twins, about how lucky I've been to have such amazing kids. And now with Callie and Jude I wonder how I could possibly want more than what we've already been blessed with. But it doesn't seem to matter how guilty or selfish or ungrateful it makes me feel, I can't stop wishing I'd gotten to have just one set of firsts. I don't love our children less because I don't have those memories. I just feel like I've missed out on a part of motherhood that other people take for granted." She looked down at their clasped hands through blurry eyes, desperately trying to blink back the tears. Stef moved to sit beside her and Lena let her pull down her against her chest.

Enveloped in the strong arms of the only person she ever allowed to see her so vulnerable, Lena wept. For the first time she allowed herself to completely experience the heartache and the guilt that heartache caused which she had tried to ignore for so long. The sounds of her ragged breathing and occasional sniffling were all that disturbed the silence in the room. All of the reasons she was terrible for wanting to have a baby swirled around her mind. Each one fueling her guilt, twisting her heart painfully, and dragging more silent sobs from her chest.

Stef held her tight; one hand rubbing soothing circles against her back. Lena could feel her cheek resting against the top of her head and every so often she pressed a kiss into her black curls. Her wife's silent support brought her comfort. Being encompassed by the person she trusted most acted as a physical barrier; providing her a safe place without question and without expectation. Since they'd met Stef seemed to instinctively understand when Lena could talk and when she needed space to sort things out herself and she never tried to force it when Lena wasn't ready.

Finally, when the tears slowed, her sobs turning to hiccups, she wiped the lingering tears from her cheeks. "Does this make me a bad parent?" she whispered, as though the quieter she spoke the less true it would be.

"No. Absolutely not," Stef said definitively. "Lena, look at me." She sat up obediently, looking at her wife through her burning, swollen eyes. "You are not capable of being a bad parent. Your love for our children has nothing to do with wanting to experience childbirth. Feeling like you've missed out on that doesn't invalidate your role as a mother and giving birth to a child does not make it more your child than our adopted children. Being a mother is about love and it doesn't matter how a child comes into your life. You will love and protect any child we bring into this house fiercely and wholly no matter what. I've never been more sure of anything. Okay?" Stef smiled reassuringly and Lena sighed, nodding her head. Guilt still knotted her stomach but less so with Stef's affirmation. A stray tear slid down her cheek and Stef tenderly wiped it away with her thumb.

"Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry for hurting your feelings. I really didn't mean to. I had no idea you were so upset about this."

"I know," Lena said with a shaky smile.

"Is this really something you want to do? Babies are expensive – even more so for us. And we're quickly running out of room in this house. But if it's what you want." Stef rubbed her wrist gently and Lena watched the steady motion, transfixed.

"I'd at least like to look into it."

"Okay," Stef said resolutely. "Then we will." Her warm hand cupped Lena's cheek and she kissed her softly. She rested her forehead against Lena's, rubbing their noses together. Warmth spread through Lena, the tension slowly releasing from her shoulders. She was just settling into the solace when out of nowhere Stef started to giggle.

"What?" Lena looked curiously at the smile shining her wife's face.

"I'm imagining you pregnant. You are going to be adorable." A matching smile beamed from her own face. She squealed ecstatically as she threw her arms around Stef's neck and kissed her passionately, wishing they could start trying right there.