The Evil Puffiskin

Neville Longbottom:

They're nervous, sire.

Harry Potter:

Then we'd best leave them here and carry on foot. Dis-mount!

Seamus Finnigan:

Behold the cave of Caerbannog!

Harry Potter:

Right! Keep me covered.

Neville Longbottom:

What with?

Harry Potter:

W-- just keep me covered.

Seamus Finnigan:

Too late!

dramatic chord

Harry Potter:

What?

Seamus Finnigan:

There he is!

Harry Potter:

Where?

Seamus Finnigan:

There!

Harry Potter:

What, behind the puffiskin?

Seamus Finnigan:

It is the puffiskin.

Harry Potter:

You silly sod!

Seamus Finnigan:

What?

Harry Potter:

You got us all worked up!

Seamus Finnigan:

Well, that's no ordinary puffiskin!

Harry Potter:

Ohh.

Seamus Finnigan:

That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered animal you ever set eyes on!

Ron Weasley:

You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

Seamus Finnigan:

Look, that puffiskin's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer!

Neville Longbottom:

Get stuffed!

Seamus Finnigan:

He'll do you up a treat, mate.

Neville Longbottom:

Oh, yeah?

Ron Weasley:

You mangy Irish git!

Seamus Finnigan:

I'm warning you!

Ron Weasley:

What's he do, nibble your bum?

Seamus Finnigan:

He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

Harry Potter

Go on, Dean. Chop his head off!

Dean Thomas:

Right! Silly little bleeder. One puffiskin stew comin' right up!

Seamus Finnigan:

Look!

squeak

Dean Thomas:

Aaaugh!

dramatic chord

clunk

Harry Potter:

Merlin!

Seamus Finnigan:

I warned you!

Ron Weasley:

I done it again!

Seamus Finnigan:

I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little puffiskin, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--

Harry Potter:

Oh, shut up!

Seamus Finnigan:

Do they listen to me?

Harry Potter:

Right!

Seamus Finnigan:

Oh, no...

Dumbledore's Army:

Charge!

squeak squeak squeak

Dumbledore's Army:

Aaaaugh, Aaaugh, etc.

Harry Potter:

Run away! Run away!

Dumbledore's Army:

Run away! Run away!...

Seamus Finnigan:

Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!

Harry Potter:

Right. How many did we lose?

Colin Creevey:

Boot

Neville Longbottom:

Smith.

Harry Potter:

And Macmillan. That's five.

Neville Longbottom:

Three, sir.

Harry Potter:

Three. Three. And we'd better not risk another frontal assault. That puffiskin's dynamite.

Ron Weasley:

Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?

Harry Potter:

Oh, shut up and go and change your amour.

Neville Longbottom:

Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.

Harry Potter:

Like what?

Neville Longbottom:

Well... ooh.

Colin Creevey:

Have we got bows?

Harry Potter:

No.

Colin Creevey:

We have the Holy Dungbomb.

Harry Potter:

Yes, of course! The Holy Dungbomb of Weasley's Wizard Wheezes! 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Sirius carries with him. Brother Moody! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

Order Members: chanting

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

Harry Potter:

How does it, um-- how does it work?

Colin Creevey:

I know not, my liege.

Harry Potter:

Consult the Book of Magical Weapons and How to Use Them!

Sirius Black:

Magical Weapons and How to Use Them, chapter two, verses nine to twenty-one.

Alastor Moody:

And Godric Gryffindor raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Merlin, charm this Thy dungbomb that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'

And the Merlin did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

Sirius Black:

Skip a bit, Brother.

Alastor Moody:

And Merlin spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Dungbomb of Weasley Wizard Wheezes towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'

Sirius Black:

Amen.

Dumbledore's Army:

Amen.

Harry Potter:

Right!

One!... Two!... Five!

Neville Longbottom:

Three, sir!

Harry Potter:

Three!

angels sing

boom