Goes without saying, I do not own Anne of Green Gables or Anne with an E
"It's fine!" Gilbert had said, his tone of finality brooking no argument. But it WASN'T fine, was it? After all, it wasn't Gilbert that Anne was frustrated with, it was Marilla. Well, really it was both of them. But it wasn't fair of her to take her frustration out on Gilbert simply for being present, when it was his very presence that was allowing her to make this most important and personal of journeys.
At this point, it had been about 10 minutes since they'd last spoken, and Anne didn't like it one bit. She knew it'd be easier this way. If Gilbert wasn't talking to her, than maybe he'd talk to Ruby more and they'd fall in love and Anne would stop feeling... Well, she wasn't sure what she was feeling. She wasn't sure about a lot of things these days.
But the sour feeling lingering in the pit of her stomach made her certain about one thing, she simply HAD to make things right with Gilbert. Before they made it to Charlottetown. But how? He had his nose buried deeply in his book. Anne imagined it to be a medical journal of some sort, full of interesting facts and useful information, but resolved to inquire about the subject later. She didn't want to be distracted. She also had a sneaking suspicion, given the lack of pages turning, that Gilbert was only using the book to avoid looking at her. The sour feeling intensified.
"Gilbert, I-"
"I SAID IT'S FINE, ANNE!"
"NO, IT'S NOT!"
An the ringing silence left behind by her outburst, Anne realized that once again they were arguing. This was not an auspicious beginning. Her eyes were focused on her lap where her hands were resting, because she couldn't bear the thought of making eye contact with the other passengers who were, no doubt, staring at the belligerent teens. She could feel the heat of those stares, so she watched her fingers tangle together where she held them. Gilbert still hadn't responded. She took a fortifying breath and met his eyes with her own.
His hazel eyes wide, but calm, Gilbert stared at her in that way of his that made her so nervous. Like he was looking inside her skin somehow, searching for her soul. How was he capable of such intensity, without even speaking?
"P-please," Her voice broke on the word and she felt her face go red with mortification. Fantastic. She couldn't stop now, though. Clearing her throat, she tried again. "Please let me apologize, Gilbert. It's not fair that I lost my temper. And it's especially unfair of me to take my frustration out on you when you haven't done anything wrong. I was nervous about today and then embarrassed by what Marilla said on the platform, especially when she knows better than anyone that I am capable of making this journey on my own! I don't need an escort!"
"Anne, don't you know that we want to protect you?"
"I can protect myself-"
"-You shouldn't have to!" Gilbert cut in. "That's what people do when they care about you. They look out for you. They carry your burdens like they were their own. Just because you're capable of doing everything on your own, doesn't mean you should be forced to. Especially not when your friends are asking you to share the load."
Anne was quiet at this. Gilbert could tell by the tension in her brow that she was considering his words deeply and he wanted to give her time to ponder, but something she had said stuck out to him.
"Anne..." He lost his nerve.
"Yes, Gilbert?" She looked at him, her blue eyes bright and focused on him with an unfamiliar intensity. She almost never looked at him like this. Brief glimpses, the occasional lingering glance when he was looking elsewhere and couldn't see but that FELT like Anne. But never this direct. He let her gaze wash over him like cool water and spoke what was on his heart.
"When you said that Marilla knew better than anyone that you were capable, what did you mean?"
"I, I don't know what I meant. I must've been rambling. You know me, I get an idea in my head and I just run with it. Sometimes I don't even know where a thought will take me. It's like it's own adventure, really..." She slowly trailed of into silence. He didn't appear convinced. She briefly considered running away, but she wouldn't get far on the train. Jumping off wasn't an option. The train was going too fast, and besides she couldn't risk her personal journey.
"They sent me back. Once, before you came back. It was a mistake and Matthew came to get me, but I made the journey back to the orphanage on my own. Marilla knows I can do it because she... " She couldn't continue. The pain of the memories so intense, they choked her.
"She made you go." Gilbert was quiet, eyes narrowed in thought. He wanted to know more about what'd happened between Anne and Marilla, but determined that now was not the time. He continued, "So, the orphanage. That's where you're going today?"
"Yes!" This was a much easier topic, and Anne warmed to it quickly. "It started with the project in class. Not being able to share where I came from, it woke something in me. My parents, my family. There is no one in the world like me. And I didn't realize until I'd really thought about it, how lonely I've been because of it. Not knowing where I come from. It's like there's this hole there. Even if it's bad, even if everyone is dead and I'm the only one left, I have to know! I have to know if I had a family. I have to know if I was loved. You probably think it's silly…"
"No, I don't, Anne. I don't think it's silly at all. I think you're very brave. I forget sometimes just how different your life must've been before you came to Avonlea. I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?"
"Because, I shouldn't have taken it personally. Earlier on the train, I was... Upset. That wasn't fair to you. You're my friend, I should've been able to see that something was bothering you."
She was caught by his gaze. Reeled in like a fish on a hook. She so desperately wanted to look away and yet. And yet. What could he mean by looking at her with such striking emotion? Why was she still looking back?
"Anne, I want to go with you."
"Wh-what? With me? Go with me where?"
"To the orphanage." Gilbert clarified, "I want to help you find out about your family, if you'll have me."
"Oh, that's not necessary. Cole is escorting me, so you needn't feel obligated. Besides, you have your apprenticeship-"
"I think Dr. Ward will understand. This feels...not important. No, I need an Anne word. Momentous. This is a momentous occasion."
"But-"
"But what, Anne? Do you... Do you not want me to go?" He would never admit how difficult it was for him to ask that question. How could he bear her answer?
"…Ruby, " Anne spoke her friend's name so softly it was a mumble. Gilbert hadn't heard.
"What?" He said.
"Ruby wouldn't like it." Again, Anne spoke into her lap, but Gilbert heard her this time.
"What does Ruby have to do with it? Anne, if you don't want me to accompany you, you can just tell me. You don't have to make an excuse to spare my feelings. "
Was he serious? Anne wanted to know. She knew boys were usually oblivious, but she'd thought better of Gilbert than this. Did she really have to spell it out for him? She knew it'd be easier just to say that she didn't want him there, but that...would be a lie. No, she would have to tell the truth. He would probably understand. Surely the boys had their own version of 'dibs', right?
"Ruby-" No, she couldn't say it that way. She couldn't tell Gilbert that Ruby liked him, that'd betray her friend's trust. Better to speak in general terms. But where to begin?
"Gilbert, what do boys do when they like a girl? I mean, how do they make it known that the girl is….off limits?"
"What do you mean off limits?"
"Well, how do you let the other boys know not to talk to a girl that another boy likes?"
"Well, really it depends on the girl and how she feels, don't you think? Besides, people shouldn't be allowed to control other people. You either like someone and they like you, or you don't, or they don't. Controlling whether or not someone is allowed to-wait. When we first met, you said you weren't allowed to talk to me! Is this why? What'd the girls tell you?! "
Oh, dear. This wasn't going at all how Anne wanted. She didn't want Gilbert to be angry with the other girls, she just wanted him to understand.
"Gilbert, you have to understand. I didn't have an easy time making friends in Avonlea when I first came. Everything was different from how I expected it to be, and being an orphan made ME different from what everyone else wanted. I just wanted to fit in and you... After you pulled my hair, it was just easier to give in. The girls thought I didn't like you, so they left me alone about it. And I wanted so very badly to have friends."
"I only pulled your hair because you wouldn't talk to me. With my dad at home d-dying," Gilbert's voice broke with grief and he stopped, trying to keep from crying.
Overwhelmed by the compassion she felt for the boy sitting across from her, Anne reached out to clasp his hands in her own. He allowed it, watching in silence, until he felt he could go on. "School just didn't seem important. Nothing seemed important, really. Everything paled in comparison. Except you. Oh, Anne. Don't you know that when you came into my life, it was like a flash fire? You light the whole world with your warmth and your kindness. And I wanted so much just to be around you. To be your friend, except... "
"I pushed you away. Oh, Gilbert. I'm sorry. I wanted to be your friend too, but... "
"It's okay, Anne. We're friends now, right?"
"I want to be, it's just... "
Gilbert squeezed her hands with sudden emphasis and she startled. She'd forgotten they were still holding hands. For a moment, she felt she should pull away, but then he slid his thumb across the line of her knuckles and she lost her nerve.
"Anne, you have to let ME decide who I want my friends to be. It doesn't matter what anyone else says. And as far as any girls go... If I have feelings for a girl, being friends with someone else isn't going to lessen those feelings. But in Ruby's case...I don't see her that way. She's a nice girl, but too...docile."
"Docile?"
"It means submissive."
"I KNOW what it means, Gilbert. I meant, well, I guess I meant why is docile a...criticism? Don't men want docile wives?"
"I suppose some men do, but not me. My dad told me once that my mom was a passionate woman. That she wasn't afraid to tell him when he was wrong, and help him make it right. He said that she was just as quick to right her own wrongs. He told me that she was his equal. She supported him and he, her. I don't know what their love looked like, I only know his stories. But I don't think I could court a girl unless I really felt like she was MY equal."
He was looking at her again. Hazel eyes bright and shining with some emotion she couldn't name, but that made her feel very warm.
They were distracted by the sudden squeal and clatter of the train slowing down. The journey was over. They'd made it to Charlottetown.
"You can come with me, " Anne forced the words out on a gasp. She spoke so quietly she wasn't sure he'd heard her, but then he smiled at her with such joy that she was mesmerized. What in the world was she going to do about Gilbert Blythe?
