Goes without saying: I don't own Anne with an E
[Author's Note: First of all, thank you again for the enthusiasm and honest criticism about this story. As a writer, I know that there is always room for improvement, and as a fan, I really want to do these characters justice. That being said, I know that these past few chapters have been very Anne and Gilbert centric, with little to no interaction from Cole. In my mind, Anne and Gilbert are in the midst of a paradigm shift, so to speak. Their perspective is being consistently drawn to the other, over and again, to the exclusion of all else. I wanted to express that not just in their inner monologues, but also in their external actions. Rest assured that it was intentional, and I have not forgotten our favorite artist. Regarding the end of the last chapter specifically, I really liked how canon did the attic scene in the orphanage. The interaction between Cole and Anne, I didn't want to change the dialogue, but I also didn't want to plagiarize. So I just briefly summarized the emotions behind it. But, I digress. I really hope you like where this is going, here's the next chapter! :) ]
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Anne slowly found herself drifting back to awareness on the ferry ride back to Prince Edward Island. The shift was subtle, her consciousness slowly floating upward through the raging current of thought. Much like the waves breaking against the boat, Anne's doubts and insecurities beat against the confines of her skull. What was real? What was love? Did it matter? Did anything matter?
Thank goodness for Cole. He hadn't left her side. Walking beside her in silence to the docks, helping her aboard the boat, even now she could distantly recollect the foreign weight across her shoulders, where his arm was draped.
As Anne finally breached the surface and solidified into the present, she felt the cold metal of the deck railing around which her fists were clenched; the icy wind whipped through her hair, threatening to pull it down.
She glanced to her right and met dark eyes with her own. Gilbert. He stared at her with such desperation, it made her feel.…well, she couldn't put a name to the feeling. But the sensation was almost something like guilt. She turned her attention back to the water below. She hadn't spoken a single word to him since she'd muttered "sorry" after the unfortunate….incident. And that's how it will remain, she declared to herself, subconsciously nodding her head in determination.
"Anne?" That was Cole. Anne turned to look up at him, humming in acknowledgement.
"You've stopped shaking."
She focused her attention once more on the passing waves and answered Cole's unspoken "are you okay?"
"I guess I just…somehow I forgot how it was there. Or I thought because I was different-that the circumstances were different-that it wouldn't be so…hard. Honestly, I really didn't think-I didn't expect….her."
"The matron? Or-"
"-The girl-from when we left. I-I KNEW her. From before, I mean. She….well, let's just say that they weren't happy memories. I'm glad, though. Confronting it head on...I'm still trying to make sense of it all, but….it's like the nightmare lost power in the daylight. In the darkness, evil seems unstoppable, but in the light of day, you realize that people are just…people. But it's more than that. I…"
Anne drifted off into silence, her jaw laboring to swallow as she battled with her grief.
"I was so sure that I would find answers," she lamented. "But I know even less now than when I started. I don't even know if my parents are really dead. And I wish what you said before was enough, I really do. But it's like there's this….emptiness inside me, and it's just growing wider by the day. I don't know what to do, Cole. I don't know how to make sense of it. I just…I have to know the truth. If my parent's really are dead, and if not, why did they leave me? Did they ever l-love me? Was any of it real?"
"Well, let's find out, shall we? I mean, churches keep records of marriages, births, deaths. You know what their names were? You were born in Nova Scotia. Do you remember what city? We could turn around when we dock and look into it?"
"I think that's a good idea-," Gilbert cut in.
"No!" Anne rebutted with force. Too much force, she scolded herself at the oldest boy's flinch. She wasn't sure how she felt about Gilbert, it was something to be analyzed another day. But she knew enough to recognize that she was not happy with him, and really didn't want to speak to him. She tried to moderate her tone, but couldn't help the cold inflection in her voice. "No. It's too late today. But we will-I will come back! I'll find out the truth about my family."
With that, Anne looked back out to watch the water, and remained silent for the rest of the journey, alone with her thoughts.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Gilbert found himself at a loss as to how to respond to Anne's sudden cold shoulder. This whole day had been one blow after another. Each more painful than the last. And now, even though he stood beside the girl he loved, he'd never felt more distant from her. She wouldn't look at him. Wouldn't speak to or acknowledge him.
Gilbert looked over Anne's head and met Cole's eyes with his own. The younger boy was just as concerned as he was.
Gilbert knew that it had to be something to do with the kiss, but couldn't understand what. He'd just wanted to bring her out of her nightmare, ground her in the present moment with him. But then she'd pulled him closer and well...his thoughts had gotten muddled at that point. She'd pulled him in, deepened the kiss, and selfishly, he hadn't wanted it to end. But then it was over.
He wanted to ask her about it, but couldn't find the words. In any case, she'd made it pretty clear that she didn't want to speak to him and he wouldn't force her. Ruefully, Gilbert rubbed at the side of his head. He knew all too well what happened when he tried to force Anne to acknowledge him.
He'd give her time. After all, he'd be the one escorting her back to Avonlea. She couldn't ignore him forever.
She sure seemed to be trying though. After the one outburst, Anne maintained her silence. Occasionally she'd murmur to Cole, but it was always a short response, her head turned away so Gilbert couldn't hear.
It was torture. The ferry ride, the journey back to Miss Barry's. She'd been warm in her goodbyes to her friends, but maintained her stoic silence with him. Even now, as their train ambled across the countryside, Anne refused to look at him. Her gaze remained fixed out the window, her body swaying with the turbulence.
Gilbert knew he was slowly running out of time. They were nearly there. Every moment, the locomotive moved closer to Avonlea, where Gilbert and Anne would separate. Matthew was to meet her at the train station.
Knowing that he played with fire, but sure in the knowledge that he at least had to try, Gilbert leaned forward in his seat and began to speak.
"Anne, I'm sorry if kissing you made you uncomfortable. Truly. We were just so worried about you. Cole and I were calling your name and... You were so pale. I didn't know what to do."
"Do? You didn't need to do anything! I was fine Gilbert! I was just….and then you were kissing me! Now, I don't know about you, but I believe consent is rather important when it comes to that sort of thing. Why would you kiss me? And in the middle of the orphanage, too! Gilbert, why would you do that? If anyone besides Cole had seen you, my reputation could've been ruined!"
"You're right, Anne" He hadn't thought of it that way. In all honesty, he hadn't thought his actions through at all. It had been an impulse, kissing her. A split-second decision that felt right in the moment, but now he wasn't so sure. "I'm so sorry for hurting you. I don't want this to ruin our friendship. I see now that it was a mistake and I hope you can forgive me."
XXXXXXXXXXX
Anne could feel Gilbert's eyes boring into her skull from where he sat across from her. No longer wrapped in her armor of womanhood, Anne felt exposed. She knew she'd have to speak to him eventually, knew the silent treatment she was giving him was unfair. But she needed the time to think.
Today had been exhausting, in every possible way, and she hadn't made any progress on her quest. If anything, she knew less now than she had before. Her parents might not even be dead. Were their names even Walter and Bertha? Anne couldn't bear the thought of returning to Nova Scotia only to end up empty handed once more.
And then there was Gilbert. She really didn't want to think about him, wanted to forget he even existed, but knew that she could not. Their families were too close. Never seeing him again would be best, but that's wasn't possible. And this uneasy silence between them couldn't last forever. It was too noticeable. She was afraid their friends would ask questions. Anne thought about trying to explain what had happened and felt a wave of anxiety come over her. But...why?
Before she could analyze her emotions more deeply, Gilbert was addressing her. Apologizing. Anne knew that she wasn't giving him the full story, but recognizing that only made her more vociferous in her rebuke. But while she might prevaricate with him, she couldn't evade the truth in her own mind.
She'd kissed him back. He hadn't forced her. In fact, he'd really only pecked her on the lips. She had been the one to wrap him in her embrace and deepen the kiss. Coming out of her memories of that horrid place only to find him so close to her...Anne hadn't thought it was real. Believing herself to be daydreaming still, she decided to enjoy the fantasy.
She'd often thought about a handsome prince busting down the door and saving her, gifting her with True Love's Kiss before riding off into the sunset. She'd never thought about a boy she actually knew, though. And then Cole cleared his throat. The sound might as well have been cannon fire, for how violently it blasted her back to reality. She'd jumped away from Gilbert only to see Cole standing against the far wall looking at her like she was a lunatic. And maybe she was. Because it was all so, horribly, horribly real. And now...
Now Gilbert was telling her it was a mistake.
Mistake. Sorry. Friends. The words roiled around in her mind like a ship over storm-tossed waves. There was no port in sight. Anne felt adrift, lost at sea. Only now did she realize the truth.
She hadn't been angry at Gilbert, she'd been angry at herself.
She now realized she'd been projecting her emotions about her childhood bully onto him. The issues of coneent, fear for her reputation, all of it. And that wasn't fair.
But the truth was so much worse.
The truth was that Anne had suspected as soon as she realized that the kiss had really happened, that romance wasn't Gilbert's goal. Why would he choose to woo her at St. Alban's of all places? He didn't choose because he wasn't wooing her. He didn't think of her that way at all.
The thought gutted Anne. She realized now that she was losing a dream she hadn't known she'd been dreaming.
"Why did you do it?" She asked quietly, afraid to hear the answer.
"You looked so... I don't know how to describe it. Afraid…like you'd seen a ghost. You were so.…lifeless. And you wouldn't answer either one of us when we called your name! Cole suggested maybe we slap you, to bring you out of whatever thought you were trapped in, but I couldn't-I couldn't bear the thought of hurting you, so I...it was an impulse. I don't know why I did it. It was wrong to take advantage of you that way."
XXXXXXXXXXX
As the train made its final stretch of the journey to Avonlea, Anne told Gilbert what he needed to hear to repair their friendship, not giving voice to the torrent of anguish within her.
Gilbert, meanwhile, tried to convince himself that he was glad that they could mend fences, ignoring the vivid memory of eyes the color of the sky after a storm and a kiss that tasted like fresh spring rain.
They parted ways at the train station, neither satisfied with how things stood between them, but both uncertain as to how to breach the gulf.
