Naruto: The Musical!
Chapter 4: Filler Chapter 1 Commence! The Parking Ticket and I Won't Say
Tsuki: Hey, guys. Thanks for the reviews, they're greatly appreciated. I have finals and Regents and crap (oh my), so my already bad updating sense will be made even worse. However, I now have half days. Hoorah! EDIT: Actually, now it's summer, so I will most likely be able to update at least once a week. Or something like that. Anyway, I was bored, and my other chapters are taking a while, so this is a filler chapter composed of two songs. I do not own the lyrics to Joss Whedon's "The Parking Ticket" as performed in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Also, I don't own the lyrics to "I Won't Say" from Disney's Hercules. Or Naruto. Grrr…
For Yuuhi Kurenai, this week had been one of her worst.
For one, she was PMS-ing. Not a pleasant experience, especially for anyone who got in her way or annoyed her. Which in truth, was basically everyone in the village of Konohagakure. Secondly, she and Asuma had a giant falling-out after she accused him of cheating on her with Mitarashi Anko. Thirdly, there'd been a Jounin-only rave party at Gai's house, in which everyone got drunk, and everyone in attendance had the misfortune of seeing Gai work a stripper pole. Kurenai shuddered at the mere memory of it, despite her hangover and cramps.
"Whatever," she sighed impatiently.
Briskly, the young Jounin pushed her way past the crowded streets of Konoha, desperately searching for something. Yuuhi Kurenai was on a mission, and a very important one at that. Kurenai was on a mission to buy…
"A Vespa! Sweet! I finally found one!" Kurenai shouted, her hormone level rapidly changing and giving her a mood swing. The sales-ninja looked confused.
"Ummm…weren't you just about to kill someone and now you're…?"
"Obviously, you don't understand the consequences of being a woman. Dobe," hissed Kurenai maliciously (Dobe means "dumbass" in Japanese).
"How much is it?"
"15,000 Konoha yen," the sales-nin stammered.
"WHAT? That's more than I make in a year!
Yeah, especially because of Gondaime-sama's gambling, Kurenai thought. She tried reasoning with the sales-nin, Kurenai style.
"How about we lower the price a little or you DIE!" exclaimed Kurenai angrily.
The sales-nin became very frightened now: a tall, menacing woman was threatening him in front of his own shop!
"I-I-I'm quite afraid-"
"…You should be," the Jounin interrupted, her crimson eyes flashing.
"W-what I meant to say was, we don't have ninja discounts here anymore. S-sorry, ma'am," the sales-nin said, backing into a tree. Kurenai glared menacingly.
"Sell. Me. The. Freaking. Vespa. NOW."
After leaving the shop, her mood suddenly picked up as she caressed the shiny, red metal casing of her new Vespa.
"I think I'm going to call you…Walter!" Kurenai exclaimed brightly; her reactions now utterly confused the slightly beaten-up sales-nin. Hopping on Walter, Kurenai reached into her kunai holster and pulled out a pair of oversize sunglasses and a headscarf. Then, she pushed on the brakes and rode through Konohagakure village like a maniac. Which of course, she most likely was. Anyone would be after seeing Gai work a stripper pole.
Meanwhile…
Karubashi Koneko sat on the ground outside the waterfall in the park, pondering what would happen if she inserted a certain blonde-haired ninja's head into a toilet bowl. She giggled to herself at the possibilities.
"Koneko-san, where are you?" a rather annoyingly high-pitched voice called. Koneko looked at her walkie-talkie and sighed.
"Ayame-sama, what do you want THIS time?"
"Did you report your findings yet? You do realise that Akina-sensei's going to be upset with you if you don't."
Koneko sighed impatiently.
"I'm working on it. Go away. Oh, and Ayame-sama?"
"I'm listening, Koneko-san," answered Ayame innocently.
"Go tell Akina-sensei to f-" The Rain shinobi's vulgar curse was cut off by a loud rustling in the bushes, followed by a pained howl from what sounded like a dog. Koneko silently went around to the back of the bush, concealing herself in the mist of the falls.
"Akamaru! Nice going, boy," reprimanded a boy's voice. The dog whimpered reproachfully.
"It's all right. Now, where did she-" Inuzuka Kiba turned around to find Koneko staring at him once again.
"What are you doing here, spying on me?" the kunoichi hissed. She gave Kiba no time to explain, for they'd already started to run from her.
"Get back here! Morons!"
Meanwhile, somewhere in Otogakure…
Orochimaru sat in his office "throne," munching happily on some snack food Kimimaro had given him before he died. The last member of the Kaguya Clan had promised him this food was only found in Alaska; he had stolen in from the Royal Kunai cruise ship he had been on.
"Mmm…blubber nuggets. They're chewy!"
Kabuto sweatdropped.
"Orochimaru-sama…may I have one?"
The main villain of the series thought for a moment.
"NO!" he cried; he then resumed eating the ultra-chewy blubber nuggets.
Back in the Village Hidden in the Leaves…
Kurenai was having fun with Walter, taking him to Ichiraku Ramen, cruising over to Gai's house and destroying his stripper pole with a force only a drunken Lee could have used, and posed provocatively with her new ride in front of the great Konoha Bridge for a spreadsheet in Konoha's premier Playboy magazine, Itcha Itcha Supermodels , produced and owned by the illustrious Ero Sennin Productions. The Jounin was making a sharp turn around Asuma's flat when a random ANBU officer materialised in front of her.
"AUGH!" she screamed, slamming on the brakes just an inch away from the ANBU shinobi.
"Yuuhi Kurenai, your presence is requested by Hokage-sama immediately," the ANBU said in a bored, monotonous tone.
Begrudgingly, she turned to find a parking space, but could find none that were available.
"Just park near the sidewalk and let's go," the ANBU said sharply. Kurenai turned Walter on and parked him in front of Tsunade's office, then disappeared into the building.
Meanwhile…
The chase for the runaway shinobi and his ninja dog was on full-throttle, and Koneko was winning. She suddenly stopped, and a puzzled Kiba and Akamaru ran off, glad to have the angry kunoichi off their hands.
Forming katas with acute precision, Koneko activated her secret bloodline ability: Kouuchishio, which means "Rainstorm of Blood." (AN: By using this kekkei genkai ability, Koneko can unleash hundreds of senbon needles along with water created by her chakra upon her opponent. It's very similar to Katara's Waterbending style in Avatar.)
"All right then, Kiba. You asked for it!" the Rain kunoichi sent her attack out forcefully, but somehow, the Inuzuka had escaped her clutches.
"Huh? Where did he-?" she asked herself. There was silence.
"Oh, hello," a girl said; the comment surprised Koneko, who jumped at the sound.
"I'm Inuzuka Hana. Nice to meet you. And if you're looking for my brother," Hana pointed towards the Inuzuka family garden, "he's in there. Bye."
Hana leapt into the trees and as quickly as she came, she had disappeared.
"Wow. That was random. Oh well," shrugged Koneko. She cracked her knuckles.
"Time for some ass-whupping."
Back to Kurenai…
Kurenai left Tsunade's office in a daze. Her salary was being cut again, but the good news was that she, Anko, and Shizune were going to be able to take a vacation together, but that was two story arcs away.
"Hey, knock it off, will you? I'm already having a bad day."
"Fine, be that way," retorted the authoress.
"Just get back to the story before I stick a kunai up where the sun don't shine."
"Fine, fine, but stop using bad grammar!"
Anyway, as the raven-haired kunoichi approached her beloved Walter, another random ANBU-nin appeared out of nowhere.
"Yuuhi Kurenai?" he asked, his voice muffled beneath his kitsune mask.
"What do you want with me?" Kurenai answered, folding her bandaged arms across her chest.
"I'm afraid you've parked in a no-parking zone of the village. I will have to give you a ticket myself, since all the Uchiha Police Force members are obviously dead. Oh yes, there's also a hefty fine you'll have to pay." He began writing her a ticket and gave it to the dumbfounded Jounin.
"What? This is insane! That fire hydrant wasn't there before! What are you talking about?" Before Kurenai could protest any more, as she opened her mouth, words began flowing from her mouth in a strange song.
I've been having a bad, bad day
Come on, won't you pit that pad away?
I'm asking you please no!
Kurenai begged, holding her arms out wide as she sang her lament. The ANBU rolled his eyes beneath the mask and snorted.
It isn't right, it isn't fair
There was no parking anywhere
I think that hydrant wasn't there
The Jounin went down on her knees in desperation. She couldn't get a mark on her spotless record!
Why can't you let it go!
I think I've paid more than my share
I'm just a poor girl, don't you care?
The ANBU-nin turned to leave, but Kurenai suddenly got an idea. An idea she had borrowed from Maito Gai.
Hey, I'm not wearing underwear…
Abruptly, he stopped and ran over to the Jounin, who had arranged herself provocatively on the ground. As he leaned in closer…
"KYAAH!" Kurenai kicked him hard in the face, knocking him right out. She stood up and wiped her hands on her dress.
"Hmm, I think I need a nail appointment at Nukenin Nails. I'll go make a reservation." She hopped on top of Walter and geared up the engine. Before she left however, she called out behind her to the fallen ANBU:
"Don't mess with PMS."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, er, garden…
Kiba hid unseen in the Statue Garden, where everyone in the Inuzuka Clan's illustrious history, including him, had a statue. He had hoped that Koneko wouldn't be able to find him in the dense underbrush and in the maze of statues. He also hoped that Hana hadn't ratted him out. Again.
"Kiba! Where are you? I have to kick your ass now!" Koneko called shrilly. The dog tamer winced, but her voice got farther and farther away. However, he decided to follow her voice anyway. Besides, hiding in a bush made him feel like going to the bathroom.
"Ugh. How many people are in this clan?" Koneko asked herself. She had become lost and was wandering about aimlessly. She sighed, then sat down next to three miniature statues of Tsukiyomi, Ameratsu, and Susanoo, the Shinto goddesses of the moon, sun, and sea, respectively. (AN: sometimes, Tsukiyomi and Susanoo are seen as male gods, but I'm using their female forms.)
"As much as I despise him and his sneaky ways, I've never really thought about boys like I do Kiba. No," she reprimanded herself, shaking her head sadly.
'It won't be pretty, like what happened last time." The last time Koneko cared deeply about a boy, it turned out he was a spy for the enemy, like she was pretending to be, and she was forced to kill him in battle. She had never been the same after that, and her once sweet, bubbly personality became bitter and more cynical.
"But…" as she tried to go on, much to her amazement, the three goddess statues came to life in front of her.
"Girl, you know what you have to do, don't you?" Ameratsu remarked plainly, a glimmer appearing in her marble eyes.
"Yeah, but I know it won't work," Koneko said, averting her gaze from the sun goddess. She opened her mouth, and for the second time in this chapter, a song emerged.
If there's a prize for rotten judgment
I guess I've already won that
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!
The three goddesses tried to change her mind and sang along.
Who'd'ya think you're kiddin'
He's the Earth and heaven to you
Try to keep it hidden
Honey, we can see right through you
Girl, ya can't conceal it
We know how ya feel and
Who you're thinking of
Koneko sighed and shook her head defiantly at the statuettes.
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
You swoon, you sigh
why deny it, uh-oh
It's too cliché
I won't say I'm in love
The kunoichi walked through the maze again, with the singing statues at her heels. Unbeknownst to them, two human figures and one canine watched from the distance.
I thought my heart had learned its lesson
It feels so good when you start out
My head is screaming get a grip, girl
Unless you're dying to cry your heart out
Oh no!
Susanoo realised that this was not going to be easy. She looked at her sisters and thy tried again.
You keep on denying
Who you are and how you're feeling
Baby, we're not buying
Hon, we saw ya hit the ceiling
Face it like a grown-up
When ya gonna own up
That ya got, got, got it bad
No chance, no way
I won't say it, no, no
Koneko approached the statue of Kiba and leaned up against him, giving the stone ninja a small smile.
Give up, give in
Check the grin you're in love
Annoyed now, the Rain shinobi threw her gloved hands in the air and sang her heart out in defiance.
This scene won't play,
I won't say I'm in love
You're doin' flips read our lips
You're in love
You're way off base
I won't say it
Get off my case
I won't say it
Girl, don't be proud
It's O.K. you're in love
Oooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaah…Koneko sighed, holding the note for a few seconds.
At least out loud,
I won't say I'm in love
Leaning against the Kiba statue again, Koneko felt a little happy and touched its marble cheek tenderly. Susanoo, Tsukiyomi, and Ameratsu nodded at one another.
"Girl, our work here is done!" Ameratsu exclaimed. The three turned back into their marble selves.
High in the treetops, another kunoichi, her face hidden in shadow, shook her head reprovingly.
"Koneko, Koneko, Koneko. When will you ever learn?" she whispered.
In the bushes, however, Kiba and Akamaru were overjoyed, albeit a little weirded out, but happy anyway.
"SCORE!" Kiba yelled, pumping his fist in the air. Koneko turned and saw the Inuzuka doing a victory dance in the bushes, while Akamaru was…yeah. Must I explain?
"Inuzuka Kiba?"
"Um, yeah, sweetie?" Kiba asked.
"You. Must. Die."
To be continued…
Tsuki- Yeah, that took a while, especially for a filler chapter. Anyway, I made a Fairly Odd Parents reference and a Full House reference in this chappie. See if you can find them! Anyway, in the next chapter, Ino and Shikamaru have a falling-out but renew their feelings-
Shikamaru: Hey! Who said I had feelings for that blonde Bit-
Tsuki: Shikamaru! No foul cursing in this fic.
Shikamaru: Fine. It's too troublesome to argue anyway.
Tsuki: Thank you. Anyway, the next chapter is an Ino/Shika chap. See you all soon!
Neji: (spins randomly)
