She's Gone

Disclaimer: See previous.

Bobby quietly closed his bedroom door, careful not to disturb Carolyn. He stopped by Nan's door – still asleep. Bobby leaned against the door. He felt like a truck had hit him. He could understand - Carolyn felt it was her fault that Alex was shot. She needed comfort; she needed to know it was going to be okay. But he couldn't give that to her. He didn't even know if it was going to be okay. He had Nan; she was all that was left of Alex. He had Mike and Carolyn and his work. He walked into Nan's room anyway. He had framed all the pictures he could find of Alex smiling and put them up throughout the apartment. There were about eight of them lined up on Nan's dresser. One picture after another, Alex smiling back at him. He inhaled raggedly.

Carolyn woke up, her chest tight, head pounding. She felt like crying again, but she felt like she was paralyzed. She had a dream. Alex was there. They were having coffee and playing with the baby, except they were sitting in the middle of Thruway. Alex kept wanting to move, kept making half-hearted suggestions that they should move out of the way. Each time Carolyn insisted they were fine. At one point in the dream Carolyn picked up Nan and walked away from Alex, waving to her. Alex looked at her funny and started walking in the opposite direction. Then Carolyn heard a gunshot. Then she woke up. She finally inhaled and let out a wail, squeezing her eyes shut, the tears dripping down her face and into her ears. She turned onto her side, the sobs wracking her body. She felt like she was being beaten. She opened her swollen eyes and focused on the ring box on the nightstand. She suddenly remembered where she was, how she got into the bed in the first place. She turned away from the nightstand and focused on the pillow-less side of the bed. She inhaled deeply, crying and laughing at the same time. Alex's shampoo. Carolyn had broken down and bought Alex a bottle of Aveda's rosemary mint shampoo, as a congratulations on finally getting together with Bobby. And to keep her from stealing Carolyn's stash. Carolyn smiled and stretched her fingers over the empty side of the bed. Carolyn remembered the kiss. Oh Bobby. He must think…I don't even want to know what he thinks right now, Carolyn thought. It just felt good to have some one's arms around her. It was just the wrong man's arms. The man who was engaged to her best friend. The man whose fiancée was now dead. And it was her fault. The tears started flowing again.

Bobby could hear Carolyn crying in his room. His room. It wasn't his room - it was his and Alex's room. This was his and Alex's apartment, their life. And now it was shot to hell. Heh, shot to hell, Bobby thought. God, kill me now. The baby turned in her sleep. Bobby instantly regretted thinking such thoughts. The baby started with her 'ma' routine again. Short nap. In robot mode now, so he didn't screw anything up, he picked up Nan, changed her diaper and walked out to the kitchen to get her food ready. Autopilot – check. He heard his bedroom door open as he handed the baby her bottle. Carolyn shuffled into the kitchen, smiling wryly at Bobby. He could tell she had been crying again. She ruffled the baby's hair. "Ma!" Carolyn squeezed her eyes shut and Bobby looked down at the linoleum floor, stared intently at it until the tears that had welled up dissipated.

"Carolyn, she doesn't know. It's…she's not."

"Bobby, I know." She pulled a hair band out of her now wrinkled dress pants and pulled her tangled curls back from her puffy face. "I'd better go." She looked at Nan who was smacking her bottle around on her high chair tray. Carolyn smiled wistfully as the baby looked up at her. She leaned down and kissed the top of her head. Rosemary mint. Carolyn felt the tears well up again. She grabbed her purse. "Bye, Bobby. Call me, if you need anything."

Carolyn hailed a cab outside of Bobby's building and gave them the address to Mike's place. She sprinted up the stairs and pounded on his door. She heard him shuffle over to it, undoing the lock. He opened the door. His eyes were red rimmed, his face pale. He was still in his uniform as well. He stood back without a word and let her in.

"Mike, I had a dream about her. She –" Carolyn started to fall. Mike reacted quick and pulled her up. "I kissed Bobby." Mike looked at her. "I didn't mean to. I just…I miss her so much Mike. A-and it's only been four days. Four days! She's dead Mike! She's not coming back!" Carolyn started sobbing again. Mike took her to his room and laid down with her. He rubbed her back until she cried herself to sleep again. Four days. And counting…

Mike woke up as the sun was going down. Carolyn was asleep next to him. He got up, trying not to disturb her. He decided they had to eat something so he called away for some Mexican food, Carolyn's favorite. He called Bobby. No answer. That's great. He said a silent prayer that nothing had happened to him, one way or another. Bobby wouldn't; he had Nan, he had to be there for her. There was another knock at Mike's door. It was too early for the food. Never have I been so popular, he thought He opened his door to reveal Bobby, Nan on his hip. "Hey man, I just tried to call you. Come on in." Mike looked Bobby up and down. Wrinkled dress blues. God, what a trio they made. Alex must be getting a kick out of that; her dad taught her that dress blues were, in a way, holy. Alex just thought it was the most stifling outfit she ever wore, avoided it when possible. Bobby looked at Mike, head tilted to the left – trademark Bobby.

"She hated ironing." Bobby sat down on the kitchen floor, taking off Nan's snowsuit. Mike just shook his head. He would never figure out what was going on in that mind of his.

"I just ordered some Mexican. Carolyn's here, she's asleep though." Mike caught a small shudder from Bobby. "She told me about the kiss. She didn't mean anything by it. She's feeling really shitty –"

"How do you think I feel?" Bobby's voice was so quiet, but his statement was rife with pain and anger.

"I know. Well, obviously I don't know but…It's just I miss her too. I couldn't possibly miss her the same way either of you two do, but I miss her. And Carolyn, she's really losing her shit. She was her partner, she was there and she couldn't do anything to help her. She couldn't even tell you what happened, she felt so horrible. And if it kills me to look at Nan, I couldn't even begin to imagine how you feel." Both men looked down at the little girl who was crawling around Mike's kitchen floor.

"I know. I just…never mind. Do you have enough food? I'm starving and I really don't feel like cooking." Alex's stomach content – lasagna. The last thing he made for her. He couldn't even look in the refrigerator; her leftovers were still waiting for her.

"Yeah, more than enough." Mike went into his linen closet and pulled out a basket of toys for Nan. This made Bobby smile.

The food arrived. Carolyn woke up and came to sit in the living room with them, but didn't touch anything. Nan sat in her lap, working at her pacifier. "Why's she so sleepy?" Caroline asked Bobby.

"She woke up from her nap early. Then I dragged her out here. I didn't want to be there by myself. Had to get out." Bobby wasn't touching the food either. Mike picked up the containers and stuck them all in his refrigerator. He wasn't really all that hungry, come to think of it.

Jimmy Deakins sat behind his desk in his office. An empty bottle of scotch was an arm's length away .The remainder of it was sitting in front of him. He fooled himself and his wife Angie that he was going to get some loose ends tied up at work after the funeral. Fat chance of that. Jimmy had walked in and his eyes went right to Alex's desk. He turned right back around and went down to the liquor store, buying the best scotch he could find. And at his desk he sat for the past eight hours, plowing through the whole bottle. He didn't even feel it. His plan hadn't worked. He dared not glance out into the bullpen. He tried that earlier; he cried like a baby. He was past crying, now at rage. All sorts of what ifs filled his head. What if the three one's men had been a second quicker? They could've stopped him. Or maybe not. What if Carolyn had gone around front? Maybe the suspect wouldn't have had time to shoot, or wouldn't have even been there…or worse. What if the women had been together? He could've been overtaken, or he could've lost two of his best detectives. What if he had sent Mike and Bobby…or not have spilt Alex and Bobby up in the first place? He drained his glass. Jimmy Deakins was in a world of shit. He threw the bottle away, covering it with some crumpled papers, not that it mattered; the cleaning crew would be in later. He left his glass where it was, put his coat on and left the eleventh floor of One Police Plaza.