She's Gone

Disclaimer: See previous chapters.

A/N: Clearly I'm in some sort of mood. Forgive me. This doesn't get any more cheerful. Thanks for the reviews…

Two Months Later…

It was a quiet day in the bullpen of One Police Plaza. Mike and Carolyn were sitting at their desks, paperwork in front of them. Bobby was pacing back and forth beside them. All three detectives were still a little shell-shocked. Bobby retreated inside himself more than ever. Mike attempted jokes, tried to be the lovable smart-ass but they all knew it wasn't really working. Carolyn was showing up for work, more and more exhausted. She was still having nightmares. She didn't tell anyone about her dreams. Sometimes Alex was there and in those dreams Carolyn seemed to always be turning her back on Alex. And then the gunshot. Always the gunshot. Carolyn flinched. Mike looked up at her, concern in his eyes. She shook her head and waved him off. Then there were the dreams when Alex wasn't there, and Carolyn kept searching for her, not finding her. Even worse than that were the dreams where Carolyn finds Nan, sitting in a corner saying 'ma' and pointing. Nan. Carolyn put her head down on her desk and stared at Bobby pacing, looking at a LUD sheet for the case they were working on. Mike looked up again at her.

"Hey kid," he whispered softly. Carolyn's eyes filled up with tears. She blinked them back quickly before looking up at him, a tight smile on her face.

"I'm okay." She looked back at Bobby. "Bobby? What are you doing tonight?"

Bobby stopped pacing. He picked a highlighter off of Mike's desk. "Nothing."

Carolyn frowned. "You're not doing anything?" Bobby exhaled impatiently before actually looking up at her.

"Yes, Carolyn, actually I am. I'm going out on a date." He glared at her. "What the hell do you think I'm going to do? I'm going to go home to my empty apartment, wait for my daughter to be dropped off and then I'm going to bide my time until I fall asleep."

Carolyn's eyes filled up again. Mike stood up, pinning Bobby to the pole next to his desk. "You don't have to be an asshole, Goren. She was just asking you a question." Mike pushed him hard against the pole again before releasing him. They stood staring at each other, other detectives staring at the little show. Deakins came out.

"Doesn't anybody have anything better to do? Back to work!" He didn't say anything to Mike or Bobby, just walked back into his office and slammed the door. Mike sat back down. Bobby stalked off towards the elevators.

"Why do you want to know what he's doing?" Mike looked at the LUD sheet Bobby had left on his desk before taking off.

"It's Nan's birthday." Carolyn watched the tears drip onto her paperwork. Mike let loose a long sigh. Carolyn stood up, grabbed her purse and ran towards the elevators. Well, that's just great, Mike thought. He caught Deakins' eye and shook his head. Deakins did likewise and went back to his telephone conversation.

Carolyn walked down the street to the coffee shop she knew Bobby liked to go to. It was Alex's favorite. There he sat, coffee cup in hand, staring out the window. Carolyn sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you like that." Bobby didn't turn to face her.

"I just wanted to know. It's Nan's first birthday. I didn't know if you were doing anything for it or not." She saw the expression on Bobby's face. "You forgot, didn't you?" Bobby nodded.

"I'm a horrible person. I-I'm a horrible father. What kind of father forgets his daughter's first birthday?" Bobby put his cup down and finally turned to look at Carolyn.

"You're not horrible. I think we've covered who the horrible one at this table is." Carolyn took his cup, swirling it before taking a sip. "Sorry, I needed it. I haven't been sleeping lately."

"Are you having nightmares?" Bobby looked at her closely.

"Yeah. I don't want to talk about them though." Carolyn changed the subject. "I could pick up a cake, Mike and I could come over. I got her a gift." Bobby half-smiled.

"You didn't have to do that." He looked at her. She looked worse than he did. He looked away. "If you guys want to, come over. I'll get her a cake though. I forgot, I should at least pick up some slack."

"Well, we all understand why you forgot. Honestly, Bobby, she's the only thing that keeps me from going crazy." Carolyn looked away as her eyes threatened to well up, yet again. "I just want to stay up and cry, not eat, not sleep at all. Just to get away from the nightmares. And I eat and sleep, the best I can anyway, so I can see Nan. That sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

Bobby thought about that. If it weren't for Nan…well, he didn't want to think about what would've happened if she hadn't been there. "No, it's not crazy. I know exactly what you mean." He stood up, draining his cup. They walked out of the coffee shop and back up to the eleventh floor.

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Deakins hung up his phone, finally. It was the Chief of Detectives. Jimmy looked out into the bullpen. Mike was, amazingly, doing paperwork and Bobby and Carolyn had just came back from where ever it was they had both stormed off to. Jimmy sighed. He got up and called Bobby into his office. Bobby came in, waiting for whatever was coming next. "I hate to do this to you but, this is coming from higher up. Bishop will be your partner again." Jimmy studied his best detective carefully. Bobby was wordless. "Look, I tried going to bat for you, but they didn't want all three of you teamed up, because of…"Jimmy trailed off. Still wordless. No, wait –

"I have a partner, remember. It's Logan. Barek's the one without a partner." Bobby glared at Jimmy hard.

"I'm sorry, Goren. I have no choice. Why do you think I was on the phone all morning?" Jimmy sighed. It seemed all he was doing was pleading and sighing lately. "She starts with you Monday." Bobby turned to leave when Jimmy grabbed his shoulder. "I'm really sorry, Bobby." Bobby nodded and went back over to Carolyn and Mike. Well, that went well, Jimmy thought to himself. Not.

"Hey, we're having a party! I'm psyched! I love cake!" Mike leaned back in his chair, hands behind his head. Bobby leaned against the desk with both hands.

"Yeah…Carolyn, you're Mike's partner. Again. They're sticking me with Bishop. Again." Bobby grabbed a chair and sat down next to the two desks. Mike and Carolyn looked at each in surprise.

"Does this mean…no cake?" Mike winked at Bobby. No one laughed. Well, I tried, Mike thought. "Next question – when?"

"Monday." Bobby once again gathered his things. "Listen, I'm going to take off, pick Nan up early. Come by around six if you feel like it." He turned to Mike. "Yes, there'll be cake, if only to shut you up." And off he went.

Mike hung his head sheepishly. "I'm an asshole, aren't I?" Carolyn reached out and squeezed his hand.

"You're our asshole." She managed a small smile. Wow, the first one in two months, Mike thought.

"Are you still having the dreams?" Carolyn nodded. "Do you want to stay at my place? At least you won't be alone." Mike looked at Carolyn. "I promise, no funny business." Another smile.

"That's really sweet Mike. Thank you." They continued on with their work.

Bobby…

Bobby picked up Nan, who was overjoyed at seeing her father. Clearly he was the only one who had forgotten her birthday. Alex's sister handed him a bag chock full of clothes, toys and books that the family had gotten for her. He was clearly not comfortable in the house without Alex. Her family let him off lightly. They understood, just so long as he didn't stop letting them see Nan. For his first week back to work Bobby had gotten a babysitter. Alex's mom called let him know he was more than welcome to let Nan stay there while he worked. They had a deal; she watched Nan and he made meals for dinner on Sundays. And so it was. He bid farewell, which took longer than usual – Nan didn't want to be separated from her cousin and was crabby about it. He buckled her into the car seat and she wailed nearly the entire way back to the city. He arrived at the bakery, picking up an eight of a sheet cake, and made his was back to the apartment.

Nan had fallen asleep, finally. He put her down in her crib and made his way back to the kitchen to put the cake away. He sat on the couch with a bottle of beer, biding time until Mike and Carolyn arrived. The 25th of March. He remembered Alex poking him in the side with the remote to wake him up. She couldn't sleep so she sat up watching infomercials. Her favorite had been the Time Life music series. Sometimes he's pretend he was asleep just so he could hear her warble along to the snippets of music. He finally woke up and she motioned to her belly as if she were Vanna White. That was at one in the morning. By two, they had made it to the hospital, Carolyn careening into the birthing room shortly thereafter. By three, Nan was there. Bobby had fallen asleep, knowing Alex had Carolyn's company. The next morning all sorts of cards and flowers flooded in, some from MCS, one from Carver and his wife, Olivia from SVU. It was after Alex had opened that card did they finally decide on a name for Nan. Alex had called Olivia to let her know, and he and Carolyn could hear the SVU detective laughing from the other end. He took another swig of his beer. Empty. Bobby didn't feel like getting up. He glanced at the clock. Four in the afternoon. His eye involuntarily went up to the picture of Alex. "You should be here," he said aloud to her picture form. He got up and started cleaning. A girl only gets one first birthday party, even if her old man nearly forgot.

Mike's Apartment…

Mike sat at his kitchen table, the light from the stove the only light on in his place. He could hear Carolyn's deep breathing from where he sat, relieved she was actually asleep. He was getting his stuff ready for the next morning. He had promised Bobby he'd take the film from the party to be developed on his way into work the next morning. He took one more look at Carolyn before going to bed. Her one leg was hanging off the couch, the blanket totally on the floor. Well, at least she was sleeping. He pulled her leg up gently and covered her up. She turned onto her side. Mike paused and then went to his room. He took off his clothes and jumped under the covers, quickly falling asleep.

Carolyn walked down a long corridor to where Alex and Nan sat in front of a big black door. Alex was playing peek-a-boo with Nan. They both turned when they saw Carolyn coming.

"Hey, Carolyn. What's going on?" Alex smiled up at Carolyn. Nan got out of Alex's lap and toddled over to Carolyn. She picked the baby up and slung her on her hip.

"Why'd you go?" Carolyn asked Alex. But Alex just looked at her, half amused and half confused. "Alex, why'd you go?" Carolyn grew panicked, knowing what was coming next. Alex smiled at her and waved. Then she opened the big door and stepped over the threshold. Carolyn turned and heard the gunshot. She woke up. She couldn't breathe. A door opened somewhere in the apartment. All of a sudden, a boxer clad Mike was standing over her.

"Carolyn, quiet, shh. It's okay." Mike held her as she cried. She didn't realize she was screaming.

A/N: There will be a pairing...I'm not sure who yet. Don't worry about Bishop though. Also, I don't know if you could tell, but I'm trying to go somewhere with all this Carolyn/nightmare issue. I want to see her work through it, and it gives me a way to put Alex in the story...even if it is in a weird way. R&R - Thank you!