Chapter 9
The roar of the landspeeder was all that I could hear. Judging by the knock in the engine, I guessed it was in about as good shape as the Falcon. Beside me, Frittz aimed us in the direction of the dune sea. I swore a little more of this heat and I'd be nothing more than an irritated puddle…
Still, I kept my face as set in the role I was playing as possible. When I slipped into the skin of my alias I didn't come out until the job was done. Honestly, I found it a little disconcerting just how easily I was able to fall back into those old habits…
Only this time, a hit list or something worse wasn't my objective. I was actually doing this for the right reasons…
A wave of guilt washed over me.
I thought I was over those feelings so many times, but now…
The sense of Ben inside of me made the concept of life and death come into stark contrast. I was tired of so much dying… Especially for all the wrong reasons. Suddenly, that homey retreat Luke dreamed of didn't sound like such a bad idea… I promised myself we'd get away after this. To somewhere, anywhere, if only for a little while.
But for the moment, I was Irisa Cholen, old, rich, and arrogant. And I was shopping for a present for my husband. That part was at least somewhat true...
My eyes scanned the horizon. Between the hazy heat waves was the distinct shape of a building. But more than that, it was a huge building, and in the middle of absolute nowhere besides.
"Getting closer, Mara, you ready?" Frittz shouted over the knocking roar of the speeder.
"That's Irisa to you," I answered with a smirk.
He grinned back, seeming high on the danger of it all. There was a time when I would have felt the same. How time had a way of changing things…
Somewhere in the distance, I knew Han, Luke, Chewie, and Artoo were making their own approach. Only theirs would be decidedly more secretive. Ours on the other hand was fully expected, we'd even set an appointment. Finally arriving at the compound, a weary Rodian guard pointed a blaster at us.
Frittz leaned over the speeder with an easy smile on his face. "Dewbacks for hire," he said, repeating the ridiculous passphrase.
The guard eased his blaster and nodded us in. I had to admit, the low lives Solo had connections to never ceased to amaze. I thought even Karrde could have learned a few things from him. But dare I say, Karrde had too much class for some of Han's types. Though I had to admit, Frittz was growing on me. He reminded me a little of the old crew. I missed those dummies a lot sometimes…
The speeder stopped just a few paces short of what had to be the main door. I waited in place until Frittz came around to help me over the side of the speeder. I was kinda old, I told myself, which meant I had to act like it. At least a little. So I set my stride as capable but slowed. Taking a few steps away I took one last look at Frittz. He was leaning against the speeder, a smile that said good luck on his face.
I was on my own now. Or at least mostly. Had Luke already arrived? The question was pointless because I could sense the answer. He was getting closer but wasn't here yet.
Which meant it was the perfect time to start the distraction.
Making like I was brushing a bit of sand off my oversized cloak I assured my lightsaber was still hidden but in place. Then doing the same with my blaster I headed in.
"May the force be with me…" I mumbled silently into the void.
Somewhere in the closing distance, I felt Luke's response wrap around me like a warm but trembling embrace. He was worried, even more than I was…
Stepping inside the compound's main building I was met with a few more guards and a human guy in a rust-colored jumpsuit. A scar covered one-half of his face, apparently leaving one eye completely blind.
"Mrs. Cholen?" he asked in a no flair tone.
I nodded. "Are you Durban? Frittz told me you were the one in charge today."
"One and the same," he confirmed, staring at me strangely. I couldn't tell if he was suspicious of me personally, or if that was just his natural state? Either way, I didn't like it…
"I hope you realize we don't take down payments. It's full payment on hand, first come, first served," he bit out.
I scoffed. "Would I be here if I wanted charity financing?" I frowned with disdain. "Don't insult me, young man."
One of the Rodian guards chuckled to himself, which got him a fierce glare from his superior. Another guard, a human, didn't seem as intimidated by Durban.
"Hey take it easy, ain't you ever heard about respecting your elders?" he laughed. He arched an eyebrow at me. "Though I gotta say, Miss, you're not a bad-looking woman for somebody already going gray?"
I read his question carefully. He didn't seem smart enough to be anything more than a flirt. But Durban was another story. I didn't trust him…
I grinned, forcing my body language to match my act. "Money has a way of padding the years, doesn't it?" I said with a laugh. "Anyway, if your men are done fraternizing, let's get down to business. My husband is a man of very particular tastes, not just anything will do."
"What did you have in mind?" Durban asked simply. "Weapons, artifacts?"
"What weapons do you have?" I asked, not wanting to give away my true interest too soon.
Durban spun on his heels, falling into an almost military step. "Follow me."
I did, the guards still in tow. Somewhere in the distance, I felt Luke's arrival… Durban led us down a corridor to a room filled to the brim with stolen weapons from at least a dozen worlds. Picking up a bowcaster not unlike Chewies's, I stared down the barrel. Sitting it down, I mused over a few more things he had on offer, seeming dissatisfied with each. Finally, I turned to face Durban, a frown on my face. "What about artifacts?"
Wordlessly, he led me to an adjacent room. I didn't need to fake the sudden interest as the contents of the room came into view. A few of the cultural styles I could identify with, but most seemed so alien…
I glanced at some sort of urn, all the while looking out of the corner of my eye. Sitting two rows back I saw a clear blue crystal. A perfect oval that seemed to ripple with the force as if it were a sort of lifeform all its own. I pulled my eyes away before I could stare. Looking at a few more relics first, I casually made my way to the stone next.
"And this?" I asked nonchalantly.
Durban's shoulders stiffened as a dark shadow cast across his face. His emotions rippled, the possible suspicion from earlier coming into sharp clarity.
"Let me handle this sale privately, will you?" he mumbled, dismissing his guards.
My senses went to high alert, but why was he trying to make this easier for me? Calling off his guards?
I watched them reluctantly file out before I turned my attention back to Durban. "You didn't answer my question," I reminded him, keeping my voice even.
He just stared at me, his emotions settling from surprise to acceptance in one cool breath. "They say it belonged to a Jedi, but I imagine you would know more about that than I would, Mara Jade Skywalker."
The lightsaber slipped from his hidden holster, effortlessly obeying my force pull. Within less than a heartbeat, it was in my hand and ignited. I took a defensive stance, but still, Durban did…nothing?
"Killing in cold blood?" he asked calmly. "Is that what you stand for now?"
"I never stood for that," I replied, wishing I felt more certain of it. But the past didn't matter now… "I'm not here to kill anyone. But how do you know who I am?"
His tense shoulders loosened. "I doubt you remember me, but we fought side by side once. If not for you, my entire battalion would be dead, me included."
I took a step back, unsure what to make of him. "What do you mean?"
"I was also a servant of the Empire once," he said simply. "Just as you were, Emperor's Hand."
I frowned, his bearing making sense now. "You were a Stormtrooper?"
He nodded. "Yes, before the fall."
Maybe it was a stupid move, but I deactivated my lightsaber, letting my hand fall back to my side. I sensed no danger from him, not even resentment. Just…sorrow, maybe even a degree of hopelessness.
"How did you end up here…?" I asked softly, a certain sense of comradery passing between us.
"You know how it was, after Endor I mean. We found work anywhere you could. And the deeper the crack you could fall into the better. The Echo Drivers offered me a place to be and I took it. You…"
He looked at me in a sort of wonder. "We all assumed you died with the Emperor until…" he hesitated. "Until your wedding was the biggest news story in the entire core." His words were a statement, but I knew his meaning was a question. The very same question I would have asked in his place.
Why'd you marry the man most responsible for the fall of the Empire we'd served?
It wasn't a question I needed to ask myself anymore, but maybe it was one I still needed to answer.
"That war…" I whispered softly. "Everything we fought for…it wasn't what we thought it was." I looked him in the eyes, determined to say the truth of it whether he agreed or not. "Behind the veneer of order and service was evil, Durban. Death and killing, suffering, with no good in return. I chose to be a Skywalker, I realize that probably makes me a traitor to you but…"
"No…" he whispered softly, taking me by surprise. His heart wasn't filled with malice or even a trace of resentment. He just felt hollow, tired. "I don't hate you for your choices, I hate myself for mine. The Empire used me and my comrades as fodder… Faceless expendables…" The words hissed between his teeth. "But to tell you the truth, I don't know what I'd rather be, because that's all I've ever been. A servant meant to give his life at a moment's notice…"
He looked up at me; his missing eye a stark reminder of the pointlessness of war. "But you saved my life… So I wish you happiness, Jade, if at all you can find it."
This wasn't what I'd expected…
A ruse, a living lie, maybe even a firefight. But this…no never.
Giving people inspirational Jedi pep talks was Luke's thing, not mine. But in a very special way…I knew I could relate to him in a way that Luke never would.
"It's not too late…" I said. "I thought it was… I wanted to die so many times…" I breathed honestly. "After Endor, if I could have just put a blaster to Skywalker's head and then one to my own…"
Emotion welled up in my voice. "It would have been enough… I really swore it would have. But I was wrong… So wrong I…can't explain it as clearly as it really is. Durban…" I said earnestly. "Stop giving your life for causes you don't believe in. There is always another way…always."
He smiled faintly. "After so many years I just don't know… But I'd like to believe that. And looking at you…I come closer than I ever have before."
Wordlessly, he slipped the stone into a small pouch. Tying it he tossed it to me. "Take this and get out." He turned his attention to a console, frantically tapping at it. "And tell your husband to get out of the mainframe before he sets the alarm off. I can buy you a few minutes, but not much more…"
I headed toward the door but stopped just short of walking out of it. "Durban…" I whispered. He looked up at me, some small part of him still in admiration of not the Emperor's Hand, but the woman willing to fight beside him.
"Thank you…" I said softly.
He stood erect, bringing his arm over his chest in salute. "No, thank you."
I smiled weakly, taking one last look at the man. Then I turned and left as quickly as I could without drawing attention. In my mind, I signaled Luke to leave, now. His emotions came back as some mix of worry and confusion, but I assured him and again told him to leave as clearly as I emphatically could.
Frittz was still waiting in the speeder. He raised an eyebrow at me, as if curious why a firefight wasn't already raging. It was a perfectly reasonable question. One I didn't plan on waiting around to answer. Stepping over the side of the speeder, I nodded him one simple command.
"I got it, let's get the force out of here!" I said in a low jumble.
"Yes, ma'am!" he whistled, happy to comply.
In spite of what I was expecting, no guards raced after us as we left. No alarms winced in the distance. Durban was true to his word…
Which gave me quite a lot to think about as the ripping sands of the dune sea rolled past us in a blur.
Time, regret, and choices.
Looking down at the small pouch in my hands I thought of Marcus.
My hand slipped to rest on my stomach.
And I thought of Ben…
I didn't know where the force was leading us, but I was following.
I was determined to from now on…
Letting myself relax into the cushions, I propped my feet up on Han's dejarik table. This whole ugly mess was finally over. We'd be back on Coruscant soon, then we could take the Sabre back to Grairr and deliver the goods to Marcus. Luke could spend as long as he wanted digging through the journal and I could finally get a little time off. It was funny to say, but I was ready to sit on a shelf for a little while, as long as it was by my own choice anyway.
Next to me, Luke was silently staring into the blue crystal that had caused us so much trouble to find. He'd taken it out of the pouch Durban had put it in and had been turning it over in his hand for the better part of thirty minutes now
"Find anything important?" I asked. Beyond the insanely strong sense of the force emanating from it, it seemed like a normal rock. A beautiful one for sure, but not a data storage device as I'd ever known one. I was no stranger to the application of crystals for any number of purposes, but this one seemed truly alien.
"At the risk of sounding stupid, how do you turn it on?" I asked honestly.
"I don't know… I feel so much life and information from it, but none of it is coming clearly. I hope Marcus can explain it to us."
"I'm sure he will," I tried to reassure him. "Just relax, we've got a long flight once we get back."
I'd long since explained what happened with Durban and how I'd managed to retrieve the crystal so easily. I kept telling myself the hard part was over, but something didn't feel right… And we both knew it.
"I sense…" he whispered softly. "Sadness, grief, loss…"
"From the stone?" I asked, even though I already knew the answer.
"No, from myself. But I don't understand why… We succeeded in our mission, I have the stone to learn from, and most importantly you and Ben are safe. By all accounts, I should be happy, and yet…"
"You're not…" I said it for him. His mood hadn't been lost on me. But it was more than just sadness, there was a sense of purpose to it. The sense that one path had ended but another had begun. As if this sadness, this loss had meaning somehow…
I felt it, but I didn't understand it.
"And yet…" he went on. "I almost feel myself coming to terms with that grief, even though I don't know what caused it in the first place. Does that make any sense, Mara?"
He looked at me honestly, some part of him seemed to need validation he wasn't losing it.
I smiled softly, touching the top of his hand. "Minus the Jedi part of you and I'd say you were crazy. But add the Jedi part and almost anything is possible."
He smiled back weakly. "That's what I keep telling myself. It's funny though, everyone calls me a master, and yet there is so much I still need to learn." He held the stone up in his gloved artificial hand. "That's why I wanted this so desperately... A long time ago before Jaina and Jacen were born I worried a lot about being capable of teaching them. So many new students have come since then that I thought all those doubts were behind me…"
"But…?" I whispered, feeling the truth just on the edge of his emotions.
"But now I have a new reason to want to do my very best… And it feels like an even more important and challenging assignment."
"Being a dad…?" I guessed slowly.
He smiled slightly. "Yes. Needless to say, I recognize the powerful influence for good or bad a father can play."
"And yet you turned out just fine," I said with a sincere smile. "Maybe even a little better than fine, huh?"
He turned sheepish under the praise. "Well, I've had your help for quite a few years now…"
I laughed. "I had nothing to do with it and you know it. It was all you trying to rope in my bad behavior."
"You say that but…"
He turned to look at me intently, his blue eyes reflecting an innocent sort of earnestness. "Even with a bond as strong as ours, Mara, there are some things I still feel I haven't been able to fully express. What you mean to me, what you've done for me, are just some of those things…"
I wasn't expecting that... The ripple of clear emotion felt like the warmth of a sun on my face. Or the way I could see straight through to his deepest self. As if it were a depth I hadn't even, after all these years, realized was there. That Luke could still have walls, painful secrets of his own…
Doubts, fears, and old relics of loneliness he never spoke of. Pieces of him not as he is now, but as he had been. The selfless hero of the New Republic, when in reality… He had only been little more than a kid himself then. And even as the years wove more ability and wisdom into his frame, he was still held in the grips of that sense of isolation. The sense that he, and he alone, had to serve others without ever asking after his own happiness or comfort.
"The fact that it's not wrong to reach out for your own happiness…" he whispered. "The force taught me that lesson through you. That I matter too, that my feelings matter…"
It was funny, because in many ways… I'd seen our marriage as the ever-gracious Luke Skywalker redeeming yet another wayward soul through his great goodness. And yet…to him…
I slid closer and pulled him in. "Hey what's with all this?" I teased softly. "Keep talking like this and you're going to make me completely lose my tough image. As it is no one buys it anymore. How can they when they're gifting me baby socks?"
I felt his dark mood lift slightly, a flicker of joy returning to him. "They'd regret making that mistake…"
"The socks?" I asked.
He laughed. "No, underestimating you."
I smirked, whispering softly into his ear. "And don't you forget it either, Skywalker…"
A peace settled between us, our emotions calming until we both were content with the quiet of the moment. As if by chance, Luke shifted the stone to his left hand. It made contact with his real skin for the first time and a flood of images and emotions entered his mind. They flowed into me through our bond and both of us were left speechless. A thousand memories, both major and minor. A thousand feelings accompanied each. Images, visions of the Jedi order of old, of the man Marcus' grandfather had been. His aspirations, his sense of duty, and the love that moved him to leave it all behind. The memories seemed to flicker through time as the record of another generation came into play.
It played all the way down until Marcus himself was at the center of the vision. He was a child and then a young man. We saw his wife's smile on that fateful day when they had first met. We felt his agony when she died tragically just four years later. Leaving him not only alone but without a child to pass his legacy onward to. We felt his grief and anguish change into a bittersweet acceptance as the years faded his dreams with age. And finally, we felt the embers of his new hope flicker to life as a purpose in the force stirred him. Just what that purpose was, neither of us could say, only that we felt somehow connected to it.
The vision ended.
Or should I say, there were no more pages left in the journal.
We both sat in quiet reverence.
The force around us felt like pressure as if compelling us to complete this path we had started. Reaching out in unison we both tried to feel the presence of Marcus, but any hint of him far, far away on Grairr was absent.
Somehow, wordlessly, we knew…
And suddenly, that sadness, that grief felt our own.
