Secret

There were things Jean was more than willing to share – if anyone had been willing to listen – but 85 percent of her life was safely locked away. As she sat on her bed one afternoon, her eyes passing over the bears in front of her, Jean's stomach flip-flopped and made a valiant jump into her throat.

She'd shared a lot with Logan.

Before Alkali Lake – as she most commonly referred to her death – she wouldn't have had an extensive problem with what she'd told Logan, how she'd opened her heart. However, she'd become much more guarded with the way the people whom she'd once called friends were shunning her. She'd admitted to him that it hurt, hell she'd admitted it to Rogue!

The more rational, logical part of her reasoned that it was because every one else had turned her away that she reached out with Logan, even if the reaching was subconscious on her part. The other part, more guarded and cautious, screamed at her for opening herself up to him and what he cold do with the knowledge he gained.

But he's had the chance to hurt you, her mind reasoned, If he'd wanted to hurt you, he would have by now.

The knock at her door startled her and she glanced at the clock.

"It's open," she called, closing her eyes as the time that had passed.

"Jeannie? You okay?" Logan's voice floated through the still-closed door.

"Yeah. Come on in." He opened the door and poked his head in, checking to make sure everything was really okay. When he was positive she was still breathing, he entered fully.

"Rogue was looking for you," he told her.

"I've been helping her with her sciences," Jean answered. "After school every day." Without thinking twice about invading her personal space, he sat on her bed, shifting util he was beside her, looking at the three bears displayed in front of them.

"You aren't downstairs," he told her.

"Excellent observation," she said sarcastically. He shrugged, just absorbing her words.

"Sorry," she apologized. "I'm…" His eyebrow went up.

"I'm taking a day off," she said delicately. If it was possible, his eyebrow rose further to his hairline.

"A day off?" he asked, the tone incredulous. Jean rolled her eyes, moving to get off the bed.

"If you came here to tease me, I'm not in the mood," she told him, standing and moving to the window. She heard him sigh.

"I didn't come to tease, Jeannie," he promised. "Come sit." But Jean didn't move.

"Why didn't you believe I was dead?" she asked softly, her gaze out the window.

"What?"

"You didn't believe I was dead," she repeated. "Why?" Logan was stunned into silence.

"It doesn't matter," he finally said.

"It matters to me!" she exclaimed. "You were there Logan, you watched me…" She hadn't realized she was starting to cry until she choked on her tears.

"Jean…" The redhead shook her head strongly, folding her arms across her stomach.

"Tell me." He moved to get up.

"Damnit just tell me!" she yelled. "Everyone else thought I was dead!" Logan stayed silent out of shcok. She'd never been this angry in the time Logan had known her. Thoughts rushed through his head, lies to tell you so he wouldn't have to admit the truth.

"Don't even think aobut it," she said in a low voice. Anger bubbled up in his mind.

"If this is so important, find out for yourself," he said scathingly. "Tell me why I didn't believe you were gone." Her eyes widened in fear at the idea, a fear he could almost smell as the adrenaline started to leak into her bloodstream. She shook her head empathetically. In her emotional state, she wasn't sure she wanted to risk hurting him.

"If you want to know, look." He'd backed her against the wall. She shook her head again. It was only then that Logan was able to place the smell of fear. Immediately, he stepped back, his attitude changing completely.

"Jean…" But Jean had already fled.


She was immensely proud of herself. She hadn't run to the lab, hadn't run to any of her usual spots and managed to avoid public areas. Instead, she'd slipped off into the extensive estate garden, to a place few knew about and fewer visited.

It wasn't anything special, really, just an angelic statue that Jean had adored when she was a teen. The thing was she just didn't feel she had to visit it every day, more did she make it a favourite thinking spot. She liked how it looked at the edge of the sprawling estate, away from students, teachers and angry mutants. It was the closest she would allow herself to civilization, for a while anyway.

She'd been completely petrified and paranoid as she moved through the trees. Now, as she looked up at the statue she greatly hoped Logan wouldn't sniff her out. It had her on edge when she was meant to be calming down.

Why did she have to calm down in the first place?

Logan hadn't asked that much of her, really. All he'd asked was the at she look into his head… And all she'd wanted were some answers, maybe help to piece together life without her. If she was totally honest with herself, shed wanted him to give her a concrete statement about his feelings. Even Scott had believed her dead the man who loved her had thought she was gone… but Logan hadn't.

All she'd wanted were answers.

She'd gotten the wrong ones. Instead of getting answers from him she'd gotten answers about herself. The constant distrust in her and in her abilities had begun to override her own fait. It was difficult for her to trust that she wouldn't kill Logan without thought, well, conscious thought.

"What am I supposed to do?" she asked rhetorically. "How am I supposed to get them to trust and believe in me if I don't believe in myself?" She looked down at the bottom of the statue, tears clouding her vision. Covering her face with her hands and dropping to her knees, she allowed herself to cry.


Really, she shouldn't have been surprised by the object on her pillow. The pink bear was innocent looking as it smile don her pillow. She picked it up carefully, turning it over and over in her hands. It had contrasted sharply with the dark blue of her bedspread, just like the white of the paper did now. She picked it up carefully, opening it with closed eyes and shaking hands.

This is the last bear and he hates me, she thought to herself. Thus, she had to take a deep breath before blinking her eyes open.

Jean,

Meet Secret Bear. Secret Bear helps with trust between friends. I like to think of us as friends. Trust me. –Logan

She hadn't realized she'd stopped breathing until she finished reading. It was then that the air wooshed out of her lungs. Impulsively she spun and left.


She found him in the library, occupying himself with a book. Still, she could feel all of his worry and knew he wasn't concentrating on the woods. He didn't look up when she dropped to the couch beside him, nor did he speak.

"I don't trust myself to use my power on people," she whispered, Leaving a finger in his page, he slowly closed the book. Then he turned to face her on the couch, telling her with his eyes to continue.

"I don't know why," she told him, playing with her hands. "You told me to look for myself and I… I couldn't do it." He was silent for a few minutes.

"Why did you want to know?" His voice was gentle when he asked the question.

'Rogue mentioned it," Jean said. "She… you were the only one that couldn't accept my 'death', didn't like the idea."

"I didn't want to believe you were gone," he affirmed. It was her turn to face him.

"Why? I don't understand." Her head was starting to pound overloading emotions and her walls were breaking down, allowing other thoughts to seep in. He sighed.

"Jeannie, I want to tell you…"

"Then tell me," she begged. "Just spit it out."

"It won't help you find closure on it, Jean. It will only serve to confuse you further." Her eyes pleaded with him to tell her, regardless. His arm wrapped around her shoulders as she learned against him. His fingers threaded through her hair, stroking her scalp.

"I promise to tell you, Jeannie," he told her, pressing a kiss to her hair. "I promise." She turned the bear over in her hands, allowing her body to relax against his.

"Trust me," he added, is free hand folding over hers and thus, the bear. She smiled softly.

"I do," she answered. "I trust you."