Wish
Winter turned into spring and flowers and plants livened up the mansion with colour. Jean had taken to wandering the grounds in the early morning, when the dew was still sliding off the blades of grass, fog brushing her knees.
Things with Scott had not improved, nor had she really believed they would. Things with Ororo, however, had improved dramatically and Jean was thankful to have the ability to speak to a woman from time to time. Nevertheless, Jean wasn't really prepared to discuss Scott and Logan, essentially her love life. Her non-existent love life.
Actually, if she was honest with herself, she hadn't really made an effort where Scott was concerned. After they successfully returned with a new student in tow, Jean had done a spectacular job of avoiding her ex at all costs. She decided she didn't need the additional stress of trying to fix things with a stubborn and apparently deaf Scott Summers.
Jean? She jumped where she stood, looking at the mansion on her return from her morning stroll. It was the first time Xavier had contacted her telepathically in a long while.
May I have a word?
Professor, if its…
No, Jean. It's about you.
Her heart skipped, then started beating triple time in her chest. The professor's chuckle echoed in her mind. I'd like to discuss your advancements, Jean. That's all.
Slowly her heart rate settled, allowing her to breathe normally.
I'll be right there, professor.
Xavier looked as calm as always sitting behind his desk, and Jean vaguely wondered if he actually ever slept. Her thoughts went unheard by her mentor. On her journey back to the mansion and up to the professor's office, she'd discovered breaks in her mental shields and quickly repaired them.
"You've grown remarkably strong," Xavier said as she took a seat. She preened slightly at the note of pride in his voice.
"How do you mean?" She'd never really thought about it, but knew if she'd been able to effectively lock out the professor from her mind, she'd grown.
"You know exactly what I mean, Jean."
She blushed in apology. "I didn't realize," she told him honestly.
He nodded. "I figured as much. What I don't know…"
"Is where my limits are," she finished for him. This time, the professor, surprisingly, shook his head.
"On the contrary Jean, I know where your limits are," Xavier corrected, voice tinged with regret.
"What?" This was the first Jean had ever heard of any of this.
"When you were a girl, I erected barriers in your mind in an attempt to protect you from yourself," he told her. Jean, though stunned, nodded.
"Your power has no limits, Jean," he told her frankly. "There's nothing you cannot do."
"Alkali Lake took down some of my barriers?"
"That would be why I am so impressed. I am not sure how many of those barriers have been broken, but it would seem they did so in order to save your life."
"I'm not sure I understand."
"I am not sure I do either, Jean. What I do know is you've mastered control of the power behind those barriers that has broken free."
"Is it dangerous?"
"Had I not put the barriers in, yes, I do believe it could've been."
"Tell me."
"I have an alter ego," Jean said to Logan as she sat in front of the living room fire later that night. Regardless of their disagreements over the last two months and Logan's continuing reluctance to talk to her about his moments of depression, they still felt most comfortable around the other.
"An alter ego?" Logan asked, moving from where he was standing by the window to where she was sitting on the rug in front of the roaring fire.
"When I was a girl, the professor put psychic barriers in my mind to try and keep my power from taking over. It ended up creating an overly emotional alter ego," she explained. "Apparently, she calls herself Phoenix."
"You," he corrected, eyes watching the flames.
"Sorry?"
"You call yourself Phoenix," he elaborated. "An alter ego is still you."
She wrapped one arm around her knees, her other hand drawing random patterns on the carpet in the space between them. "Is that why I've been so emotional?" she asked, more rhetorically than anything else.
"Emotional?"
"Angry, more often than anything. Like I want to rip something apart."
"The professor said Phoenix was over-emotional?" he asked, parroting her own words.
"The exact opposite of Jean," she agreed.
"Maybe it is Phoenix then."
"The bloodlust? The need to destroy?"
"The emotions would include rage, right? Probably more so because you've always been patient."
She blushed prettily.
"Have you ever used it?" he asked after a few moments of silence.
"What?"
"Has it ever taken you over?"
"No, but it's getting hard to keep it down," she confessed. Then she fully realized exactly who she was talking to.
"What's it like?" she whispered.
"The animal?" He asked, looking for clarification. She nodded, knowing he could see it in his peripheral vision.
"Are you sure you want to hear about it?"
Jean sighed in frustration and he chuckled. "Chaotic," he answered.
"What do you mean?"
"You don't have control. You're watchin' yourself do things you'd never do," he clarified.
"Like kill?"
"Like kill," he affirmed. "The animal runs on instinct, guts."
"Fight of flight," she supplied.
"Somethin' like that."
"How do you make it go away?"
He sighed, finally facing her and softly taking the hand drawing random patterns on the carpet. Her gaze locked in their entwined fingers, knowing before he spoke what his answer would be.
"You don't."
Instead of bursting into tears like he'd believed she would, she sighed in resignation.
"Can you tame it?"
"Sometimes you can't control it," he answered vaguely. "Durin' a battle."
"When you're angry?"
Logan nodded. "Or possessive."
That intrigued her far more than she'd have liked. "Possessive?" she questioned.
"Protective."
"You said possessive."
"Both."
She sighed. "If fights," Jean whispered, turning her gaze back to the flames but leaving her hand wrapped in his. He squeezed her hand reassuringly.
"It always will." They fell into a comfortable silence, him watching her and she the flames that licked at the walls of the fireplace.
"Should I be worried?" she asked finally. Logan shrugged.
"Careful," re replied. "Anger can be the worst catalyst."
"Great," she said sarcastically. "The one emotion I'm feeling the most often is the most dangerous."
"It's why you should have an anchor," he told her.
"An anchor?"
"Someone or somethin' that doesn't let you drown in the animal."
"You have one?"
"Not until I came here."
"Does that mean I'm…" He didn't need to answer for her to know she had come to the right conclusion. It was the first time she met his gaze and he allowed himself to get lost in their green depths. She was his anchor.
"Come here," he said, opening his arms to her. Instead, she leaned to the side, resting her head on Logan's outstretched thighs. His fingers started combing through her hair, massaging her scalp lightly.
He'd changed around her, she realized. He was still gruff and cocky around the majority of the mansion, still as much of a bastard around Scott, but around her, he could almost be sweet. She valued his insight, his experience, and she knew he valued her calming presence. Rogue had been right when she'd mentioned he was different around her.
Bad things always happen to good people.
The thought rocketed through her head and it took her a minute to realize the thought had not come from her, but from him. She glanced up, but his eyes were focused on the window. With a deep breath, she closed her eyes and carefully concentrated on his mind.
Thank you. She poured her adoration and gratitude into those two words in his head. He smiled, but didn't face her. Before Jean knew it, she was asleep.
She hummed to herself a week later for the first time in the past two months. Even marking had her smiling as she circled and checked with her red marker. The professor's confession had turned her life upside down. Her conversation with Logan had started to right it again.
She tipped her head back, taking a short break with a grin on her face. She'd been on an emotional roller coaster as Phoenix battled with Jean. Her emotions ping-ponged between angry, depressed and elated faster than a cheetah went from 0 to 60.
Suddenly a huge wave of anger and protectiveness swept over her and she realized she'd allowed herself to relax and her mind to wander. As it invariably did lately, it had roamed to Logan. With a very quick survey of the mansion and surroundings, she found Logan and Scott on the front grounds. A gasp escaped her lips as she shot up from her chair and raced out.
Students had gathered on the front stoop, an event that had Jean both fearful and angry. She carefully pushed her way to the front, hoping upon hope that no one had been injured yet. Rogue and Bobby, standing near the front, caught her before she got much farther.
"I'm not sure you want to go further, Dr Grey," Rogue said quietly. Jean looked from Rogue to Bobby in confusion, battling back frustration and anger at the two men.
"What?"
"What have you been doing with her alone, Logan?" Jean knew Scott's voice and stiffened. They were seriously having another fight about her? Over her? And what the hell did Scott think he was implying!
"What does it matter to you, Scooter? 's not like you've been treatin' her well." She wasn't paying attention to how her anger was growing, nor how the students surrounding her were carefully beginning to take steps backwards. Logan had his claws out, ready to attack if necessary and Scott had one hand on his sunglasses.
"She came back screwed up," Scott emphasised. Things around her, mostly inanimate objects, began to float and Jean realized too late that Phoenix was seconds away from making an appearance.
"She came back confused," she vaguely heard Logan correct.
"A perfect opportunity for you," Scott retorted, sarcasm soaking every word. Her anger was mixing with a sudden protectiveness that she was sure was creating a volatile combination.
"You implyin' I'm takin' advantage of her?" Logan growled.
"She knows you're going to support her, she knows you're in love with her. What's to say she's not taking advantage of you?" The next thing anyone knew, Scott was twenty feet away in a bush and Logan hadn't moved. His eyes immediately locked onto hers, widening as he took in the darkened eyes and pale, veiny skin. Ignoring Scott, where most of the others had raced in a mixture of worry and slight fear, he moved towards her.
"Jean!" he called over the wind that was picking up. For a second, her veins retracted into her skin and Jean surfaced with a gasp.
"Logan!"
"Focus," he yelled to her, finally reaching her and placing his hands on her cheeks, trying to get her to focus on him as Jean, not Phoenix.
"I… can't…" she breathed.
He shook her slightly. "Yes you can. You are strong enough to fight this," he told her, his eyes flicking back and forth between hers. "Focus on Jean."
"I'm trying," she responded. He read the truth of her words through the tears in her eyes.
"Think about Jean, memories of Jean."
"Logan…"
"Focus on me," he begged. "Tell me what you remember."
"Treating you in the lab after Magneto tried to mutate the World Summit," she said, breathing hard. "The day you came back, getting Kurt from Boston with Ororo…"
"That's good Red, keep going," he encouraged. Her eyes were slowly turning back to their regular green colour and he felt hope uncurl in his chest.
"The forest," she continued, "the battle…" Her chest was heaving with the effort of forcing the Phoenix back under control. His hands still gripped her cheeks, his complete focus on her.
"Name your bears," he ordered."
"Cheer, Bedtime…" she continued on, the objects slowly floating down to the ground as Jean gained complete control again. Finally, she sagged against him as she won against Phoenix. Immediately, Jean burst into body-shaking sobs. He supported her against his chest, shushing her softly.
"You're okay," he whispered. Her hands curled into his t-shirt as she buried her head in the junction of his neck and shoulder. She was blabbering incoherently as her tears soaked the collar of his shirt. Rogue, Bobby and John approached slowly, only speeding up when Logan nodded.
"He'll be fine. A few cracked ribs is probably the worst he's got," Rogue said quietly.
"The kids?" Logan asked, hoping Jean wasn't listening.
"Truthfully, a little shaken up," Bobby answered, and he meant it. It seemed the students weren't as fearful of Jean as the three elders had believed they'd be. Logan had been sure he'd hear 'terrified'. Logan nodded against Jean's head.
"Find the professor and stay there. I'm going to get Jean upstairs and I'll meet you there to talk to Xavier."
"And Mr Summers?" Logan shrugged, still angry at the other man's audacity.
"Get him inside, just don't take him to her lab." They, thankfully didn't ask questions and Logan easily lifted Jean into his arms to take her inside.
"She's asleep," Logan assured the professor when he entered the panelled office. Rogue, Bobby and John were all present – as witnesses and three of the most senior members of the school Logan felt they should be – as well as Ororo, the professor and Dr Henry McCoy.
"What happened?" Xavier asked, as his gazed zeroed in on Logan. The latter growled slightly at the implication, but explained.
"My fault, professor," he grumbled. "Summers and I got into a spat."
"Over Jean?"
"He doesn't trust she's really Jean." What Logan wasn't saying was the actual implications about Jean that had been made through their fight. If the professor didn't already know them, he didn't need to hear them.
"And he is entitled to his own opinion, is he not?" Xavier questioned.
"Not when he starts verbally attacking her," Logan pointed out.
"She wasn't even there to defend herself, Professor," Rogue piped up. "I don't think that's really fair."
"How did Jean get involved?" This came from an obviously worried Ororo.
"I don't think any of us are really sure," Bobby volunteered. "Rogue and I were watching them one minute then she was tugging on my sleeve and pointing back to Dr Grey." The professor was nodding with the story.
"And then?"
"Scott's words must've set her off. I was ready to claw at him, then he was twenty feet away," Logan supplied.
"Things just started to float," John added. "Since Dr Grey is the only one with that power, we assumed it was her." Logan took a deep breath.
"It wasn't Jean per se," he said carefully, not sure how much the professor had told the people in the room. The professor nodded in understanding.
"Thank you," he said softly and they all started walking to the doors. "Logan, a word."
Logan hung back, closing the door once everyone had left.
"You met Phoenix." It was a statement.
"So what?" Xavier smiled at Logan's immediate defensiveness.
"You also helped Jean to resurface."
Logan sighed. "With all due respect, Chuck, can we get to the point?" he asked, knowing exactly where Xavier was going.
"I told Jean a lot yesterday," the professor began.
"She told me about Phoenix," Logan filled in. Xavier nodded.
"I'd wondered if she'd confide in you about it."
"She knows I battle a beast every day, why wouldn't she?"
"The barriers were necessary."
"For a while, yeah," Logan agreed. "But we both know Phoenix and Wolverine are two peas in a pod. You can't hold 'em forever."
Xavier sighed. "It was for her own good."
"When she was a girl. You might've done more harm than good to her now."
"Logan…"
"Yeah, Chuck, I'm criticizing a choice you made, but before you rip into me, let me outline somethin' for you. She's confused, has been since the day she set foot back on the grounds of this mansion. The people she thought she could trust abandoned in her in a place where she was supposed to feel safe. Then she hears that she has no limits to the growth of her power and she could be a danger to everyone around her. In my opinion, you made a mistake when you didn't let her slowly take control of her power on her own."
"It could have killed her," Xavier pointed out. "Phoenix does not have a conscience."
"It could've killed more people today," Logan replied. It didn't take a genius to understand his implication. If Jean had already mastered control over the vast majority of her abilities, the events of what had grown to encompass an hour would not have occurred. Logan turned on his heel, stopping suddenly with his hand on the doorknob.
"I learned restraint a much easier way than she will. I chose to control the animal and learned out of necessity through experience. She's goin' to be forced to learn it from betrayal."
He bumped into Rogue in the hall on his way to check on Jean.
"Hi Logan," she said softly, holding an aqua coloured bear. He recognized it and his eyes widened.
"I know they're usually your thing, but John started a card before we went to the office… we wanted to give it to her." Logan nodded and began down the hall again. Rogue followed. Logan knocked softly on Jean's door, opening it slightly when he caught a whiff of salty tears.
"Jeannie?" he called softly again, well aware she was awake. "Everything's fine."
"It's not," she sniffled. "I screwed up, Logan."
Logan and Rogue exchanged worried glances, though Rogue's morphed into a small understanding smile. She handed over the bear, the card and another piece of paper before turning and heading back the way they'd come.
"I screwed up."
He winced at her words and entered the room setting his armful down on the bed. "I talked to Chuck, Red. Well, actually, I gave 'im a little bit of a lecture that might have been slightly harsher than it needed to be." That earned a small, if watery, giggle.
"Roll over and see what the kids gave you," he urged. She shook her head into the pillow but he wouldn't leave her alone.
"You'll like it." Slowly, she turned to face him. He held out the bear and the card. She took both objects tentatively. When she was sure she understood exactly what they represented, he handed over the letter. She didn't get very far before tears were welling in her eyes.
Dr Grey,
This is Wish Bear. Technically, she's supposed to help with granting wishes but instead of telling you to make a wish, I made one of my own and I'm hoping her time with you will help that wish come true.
I wish for you to see yourself like others see you, like Logan and I see you. We don't look at you and see chaos or danger, but compassion and endless unconditional caring.
To your students you're just Dr Grey, regardless of what may have just happened. You're a teacher to all of us and one that we've worked hard to get back. Most of your students have faith in you. We trusted you, Dr Grey, and as much as you might not believe it, we still do.
Love, Rogue
Jean could feel the tears leaking out of her eyes to spill down her cheeks as she finished reading. They would never fully understand what these gestures meant to her.
"How are you holdin' up?" Logan asked softly, startling her slightly.
"What happened?" There were bits and pieces of what had transpired that she didn't remember.
"Scooter's got broken ribs at worst. You tossed him into a bush. The professor might be slightly upset, but that's probably my fault over yours. And you saw what the students thought," he answered.
Jean sighed. "That's it?"
"Nothing was destroyed and we got you back," he promised. "You'll be okay."
Or at least, I hope so.
PLEASE READ:
Hokey, first of all, this is the longest chapter EVER! I was excited when I was writing it.
Second of all, I do truly believe, especially after seeing X3 that Logan was extremely upset with Xavier's decision to keep Jean's power locked in her mind. I do think Logan has more insights than a lot of us think and thus, that he wasn't as OOC as usual.
Thirdly, PLEASE REMEMBER Scott is OOC and that's because I greatly dislike him. I apologize to his fans, but I have a really difficult time with his very boy-nextdoor persona.
Forthly, this is NOT the last you will be seeing of Phoenix. We will address that, I promise, just not in the next couple of chapters. I want to get back to a few of my fluffy roots before writing too much more of the deep stuff.
Fifthly, the student response is going to be unbelievable, I know that, but I didn't want to have to deal with terrified students AGAIN! Let's just pretend that they saw the anger directed at Scott and how Logan got her under control and believed she was okay, Okay? Great!
Hope you enjoyed this!
