This was a story I started on a little over a year ago and I stumbled upon the notes and figured I would finish it.
It was originally going to be a one shot, but it started getting out of control, like over 8000 words and I still have more to write
"I can't say for sure what happened. I know there was a guy with a gun in the ER. I guess I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time," she paused for a moment. "They say before you die your life flashes before your eyes. Patients have described it to me before as a flash that happens in the blink of an eye, but for me it was slow motion. Just my time here in Seattle like a slow moving film. I was unpacking boxes at my apartment, Mark Sloan had sent me my things, some of them anyway. I wanted to leave New York behind and my weight was fluctuating a lot so I was going for a new wardrobe. Then I was in the bar on the stool where I met Meredith sipping my martini. We didn't flash to her couch. I just remember her hand brushing mine, the sounds and smells of the bar felt so real, like we were meeting again and then of course I went home with her and lost my bra in her boxes. I saw her at work the next morning, I watched her pull away from me again. The first time she looked at my scars, she didn't pull away in disgust. Every moment was Meredith and I think that's because she is my life."
There was beeping and yelling and she felt herself being moved. The charcoal gray sofa she had been sitting on vanished and she opened her eyes. Everything was out of focus and she felt pain like she had never felt before.
"Addison we're taking you to surgery right now." Richard's voice soothed her as his hand gently stroked her cheek. The world went black.
Her life was a wreck; quite literally. She didn't know where to begin, but seeing a therapist was necessary.
"Where do you want me to start?"
"Where do you think you should?" Was the woman's response.
"My life has become something of a circus at the scene of a train wreck so I don't know." She sighed.
"Well tell me about that." Addison huffed in frustration, she wasn't going to like this therapy thing.
"Tell you about what? My failed marriage? My failed career? Or my failed attempt at ending my life?" She shouted. The woman seemed undeterred by the redhead's outburst.
"You started with your marriage, so let's begin there. How long have you been married?"
"Ten years." The answer was simple enough.
"That's a long time. Are you sure that it is a failure?"
"How can it not be a failure?" Addison countered. Her husband was almost 3000 miles away in another time zone, and refusing to grant her a divorce.
"Do you still love him?"
"What kind of stupid question is that? Really?" Addison yelled. "Of course I still love him he just so happens to be a self centered egotistical, workaholic asshole, that thinks I am fucking his best friend and drunkenly took a carving knife to my arm for attention."
"Whose attention? His or his friend's?"
"I don't know!" She shouted.
"You seem to know everything else he is thinking," The other woman commented.
"Because he said it! Mark found me, so we must have been screwing around. Derek and I have perfected this little dance of avoidance so why would I kill myself for him? I'm not after the attention of someone who isn't coming home."
The woman didn't let up. "How long have you been avoiding one another?"
"Two years." The answer came easy.
"Why?" It was a loaded three letters. Addison didn't have to think long about it though.
"We got successful. Our careers took off, we started our own practice and there was no time for us, no time to plan for the family we said we wanted and so when we had the time we would argue and then avoid the fallout. He would work late and I would be home or he would be home and I would work late."
"But you said your career was a failure, it sounds like you are successful," Addison tugged at her sleeve, pulling it down over her hand, not wanting to face the scars that lie there.
"The last surgery I performed," she stopped. That surgery had been her breaking point. "When you lose a patient you feel it. In hindsight I know there as no way I could have predicted the complication, but I operate on babies, and this patient was three months old and the parents last chance at having a biological child. The loss and then the notification and parents berating me was what broke me."
"You think that was the final straw?"
"Yes." It was the first time she admitted that work had been what broke her. She had been spiraling for a long time but that failure had made her feel like life was no longer worth living.
"You have lost patients before though," Addison nodded. "Do you always feel that way after?" This time she shook her head. "Then why this time?"
"I told Mark before that I felt this way, I think that's why he came to check on me."
"Do you think that is why your husband thinks you are or were having an affair?"
"I'm not though," Addison responded defensively. She had never really thought about why Derek thought that they were having an affair because it was unthinkable for her. Mark was just a friend.
"The three of us grew up together as doctors and med students. They were like brothers. Derek fell in love with the work more than we did and we grew closer because we both missed him. We bonded I watched the Giants games with him on Sundays in the fall and he popped popcorn and watched whatever movie I wanted every other Wednesday. It was almost as if we were replacing Derek for each other. I have never felt anything other than platonic affection for Mark, which is strange considering the fact that I have literally walked in on women throwing themselves at him."
"Were you and Mark having an emotional affair?"
"No." The response was her autopilot now. She was not having an affair with Mark. She didn't feel like she was having an affair with Mark and she was tired of inferences that she was in any way shape or form.
"But you were spending time with him doing things you would do with your husband. You even said he was a replacement for him. You told him when you had suicidal thoughts before and not your husband and yet you don't see why Derek would think you were having an affair."
"What do you want from me?" Addison yelled, standing up in the process. She towered over the graying brunette who remained calmly seated across from her, unintimidated.
"For you to be honest with me and yourself." Addison sat back down at the other woman's tone. "Everything is a contradiction with you. You love your husband, but your marriage is a failure. You aren't sleeping with his best friend, but he is the one you confided in. You understand that you can't save everyone, you have felt the losses before, but this one puts you over the edge. Stop holding back!" Addison was stunned. They had been doing this for hours, but she knew she needed this.
"He made a pass at me." She had never told anyone.
"Mark did?" Addison nodded.
"I never told anyone," She whispered.
"When did this happen?"
"A little over a year ago, I laughed at him as if it was actually funny and I said "Mark I think I'm gay" I was sobbing, I was so scared to say it, I still am." The older woman was silent in a contemplative way when Addison finished.
"Is Mark the only other person you've told?" She asked to which Addison nodded. She hadn't said anything to Naomi despite the fact that she was now staying with her.
"I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable," Addison mumbled.
"Do you think that your struggle to come to terms with your sexuality was a contributing factor in your attempt to end you life?"
"Yes." Three simple letters. The room fell silent again and Addison knew that the other woman was waiting for her to elaborate. Addison however remained silent and uncertain and the older woman switched tactics.
"You said you didn't want to make people uncomfortable. What did you mean by that? Addison didn't answer so she pressed on. "Are you worried about how your friends will react or about how your patients would react?" She asked in an attempt to clarify.
"Both," Addison finally answered.
"You are still a world class neonatal surgeon your sexuality doesn't change that." Addison fidgeted with her sleeve again and her fingers flexed involuntarily at the other woman's words.
"I don't know about that," she whispered, her voice conveying her doubt. "My dexterity may never return to what it once was. I would have been better off dead." She hung her head in defeat. The office was silent for a while and then Addison felt the other's woman's hand cover her own.
"I'm glad you're here Addison." The words were soft and reassuring and Addison offered a weak smile. "Right now you are healing and I know how difficult that can be. You just have to keep at it. I know you are doing everything you can for your hand, and we have to hope that it works out for the best." Addison nodded in understanding. "I think we're done for the day. You are exhausted and I know you'll disagree," she said with a small smile, "but you've made a lot of progress today Addison. And since I'm not going to see you again until Tuesday I want you to consider something for me. Do you think you can do that?" She paused to gage Addison's response and at her nod she continued. "Think about telling someone, it doesn't have to be a friend, it can be a stranger at the beach or the store. It might help you to feel more comfortable telling a friend."
"I'll think about it," Addison answered softly.
"That's all I ask." A comfortable silence fell over the office for a few moments and then "Naomi is here. Enjoy your weekend Addison." With that the redhead stood up to leave and meet her friend.
