Funshine
The week had been utter and pure hell. It seemed her days had taken on a rather routine quality. She woke up, ate breakfast, wandered the grounds… and had circle conversations with Scott that left her with an overwhelming urge to yank her hair out. They talked about the same things, argued about his unyielding stubbornness and her inescapable changes until she swore her voice was gone. Still, she didn't understand him, nor had she made him understand.
Logan, as usual, hadn't tried to make her talk about it, only tried to calm her down out of her frustration and new-found anal-retentive tendencies. In fact, it got to the point where she decided to totally revamp her curriculum for the students. Jean knew Logan had resisted the urge to roll his eyes when she told him and had frowned, but went about it nonetheless.
Rogue, Kitty and even Logan had tried to get her to sit by the pool again, or come down to the game room for a little bit to have some fun, but Jean was adamant and worried about her anger and frustration triggering Phoenix around people who had done nothing.
Then Logan gave her Funshine.
Funshine was the newest addition to her ever-growing collection of Care Bears. He was yellow, sporting a smiling sun on his stomach and coming with a message that was hard to miss. In case she didn't get it, Logan had provided her with a note.
It's okay to have fun every once in a while.
She knew he'd been joking with the note, but had sighed anyway, knowing he was also telling the truth. She vowed to herself that the next time someone gave her the opportunity to go out, she'd take it.
"Hey Jean?" Ororo poked her head into the lab where Jean was shuffling around her curriculum for the coming year.
"We're going on a picnic," the dark woman stated.
"A picnic? Who? Or more importantly where?" Jean answered.
"Central Park," Ororo supplied. "A summer's end picnic.
"That almost sounds depressing," Jean pointed out, nevertheless neatly piling her papers away on her desk. Ororo shrugged.
"Only for you pessimists. For the rest of us, it just marks the beginning of fall."
"And thus, makes you an optimist?" Jean teased, meeting her colleague and friend at the door. Ororo stuck her tongue out childishly.
"We leave in twenty minutes."
Resting with her back against a large oak tree watching the more energetic attendees play a game resembling touch football, Jean couldn't stop the happiness that flowed through her veins. The clichéd phrase home is where the heart is had never been so true to her. A smile stretched across her face, distracting her from the book open in her lap.
"Jean?" She looked up in surprise at Scott's ruby-coloured glasses and groaned internally.
"Scott, I don't want to argue with you here," she told him frankly. Regardless, he sat beside her, leaning his head against the bark.
"I don't want to fight with you any more, Jean," he answered.
"Then what do you want?" Jean's patience had been running horribly thin around him. She wasn't sure exactly what she was willing to deal with.
"I want to talk, like regular adults," he replied.
"I've been trying to do that, Scott! You shut me out." The frustration in her voice was tangible and quick to surface.
"Don't get angry." Jean shook her head, dog-earing her page and closing the book. He grabbed the hem of her t-shirt to stop her as she stood.
"I'm sorry, I just…" She sat down, trying to be the better person.
"I've been trying to—"
"I know, Jean." Scott breathed in deep. "Your death tore me apart."
"So, and I'm not trying to sound conceited, but why such a cold shoulder when I got back? I was alive again and you still acted like I didn't exist," she pointed out.
"It was too good to be true," he retorted defensively.
"That usually wears off," she said calmly. "Our first mission… I'd been back over a year and you still all but said you couldn't trust me." He looked away, turning his head.
"You live this life, you know how dangerous it can be to blindly trust. You, for all we knew, could've been Mystique." Though plausible, part of her was still angry and hurt.
"You're the one who still doesn't believe me," she told him, closing her eyes against the pain the words surfaced. Her heart ached when she thought about it, the idea that he had cast her aside, believing she was something she wasn't.
"You loved me."
That was, after all, the heart of the matter. What they'd fought about, their circle conversations, all boiled down to those three small words, words that still had her wincing.
"Why were you so suspicious?" All she wanted was to know, to understand.
"They tried to manipulate me."
That caught her attention. "Who?"
Scott shrugged. "I'm not even sure myself. You were there and they tried…"
"Korea? That mission you went on with Logan?"
"You know about it?"
"Logan mentioned it in passing," Jean waved it off. "They used me?"
"You were alive and you were on their side," Scott said. Jean's heart broke in places at the desolate tone in his voice.
The hero is the one that stays, her mind told her ruthlessly, reminding her of the changes in her own heart.
"You believed that? You seriously believed, after everything I've done, everything we've done and been through, that I'd change sides?"
"They convinced me that you'd come back, that you'd switched sides. You said things… things only you know." Her mind was racing but with a quick cursory foray into his mind showed his complete belief of what he was saying.
"Why are you telling me this?" He looked surprised at the question.
"I missed you," he said finally. "Holding you, talking to you…" His hand brushed against her arm and she pulled away, standing.
"Don't, Scott," she begged. "You can't just say these things and… and think everything's going to turn around and be like it was. Things have changed."
"I still love you," he protested. She shook her head with a sad smile.
"I don't love you."
Logan found Jean as the sun was setting and everyone was packing up the picnic stuff, looking down at the mosaic imagine by Strawberry Fields.
"We're going to head back," he said softly, resting a hand on her shoulder. She nodded, still absently starting at the word.
"Jean?"
"I used to imagine how everything would go back to normal. I used to wish for it," she spoke. "Now I'm not so sure."
"Change happens, you told me that," he responded trailing his hand down her arm to twine his fingers with hers. She allowed it, her fingertips brushing against the skin between his knuckles, where his claws were.
"Does it always confuse us?" she asked rhetorically, referring to the ever-present 'change'. She looked around slowly, taking in everything around her as if it was the last time she was going to see it, before tugging on his hand to start them moving. He stopped them at the edge of where they'd spent the better part of the afternoon.
"Change is what you make of it," he finally answered her earlier question. She smiled, stepping onto the bottom step of the plane.
"Thanks for reminding me.
She'd told him the truth with those words. She'd forgotten how important it was to adapt and change. She also had insight into the reason why Logan kept a lot of things from her. Her reaction to Scott's words was complete confusion over her feelings and she suspected whatever Logan was hiding could do the same thing.
In fact, she was pretty sure of it.
"What had your panties in a twist yesterday?" She'd been too wrapped up in her thoughts, not really looking at the endless grounds from where she stood on the balcony, to notice him approaching. Jean wrapped her arms around her body, twisting her torso to face him.
"Nothing," she replied with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
"That wasn't nothin' darlin'," he countered.
"I talked with Scott, Logan. That's it."
"He drove you nuts again." It was a statement.
"Not in the traditional sense," she defended.
"I figured as much. You aren't frustrated or angry, like usual."
It tugged on her heartstrings to hear he watched her. "How do you know me so well?"
"Practice," he replied swiftly and her heart swelled with and indescribable and indecipherable feeling. "You just seem sad."
Jean shrugged. "I guess I shouldn't have been surprised."
He stood beside her, though she'd turned back to the grounds and wouldn't look at him. "At what?"
She winced slightly. He had an uncanny way of digging things out of her without trying. She hadn't meant to get into her conversation with Scott. Not with Logan.
If there was one thing Jean was sure of it was that she wasn't in love with Scott anymore. She still loved him, of course, and always would, but her heartrate didn't speed up when he came close or when she saw him. Flying with him was odd and she found she couldn't connect with him anymore.
Not like she could with Logan.
And that was a completely different and almost more complicated can of worms. He'd stuck by her side, the words she'd spoken to Logan and thought during her talk with Scott slipping into her mind. The hero did stay and although Logan had run to Alkali Lake, he'd come back. Though he'd been a wanderer, he hadn't been much of one after their battle in Canada, if the grapevine was any indication. And hadn't she told him, in not so many words, that he was her hero?
"Talk to me." Logan's voice broke through her fog and she smiled, meeting his eyes for a split second.
"I told myself I wouldn't," she said. "You're biased anyway."
"This is killing you. Talk to me."
"Scott still loves me," she whispered, looking at her toes.
"You're a hard woman to forget," Logan responded candidly. "Was it surprisin'?"
She shrugged. "Of course it was. After the way he treated me, the last thing I expected was a declaration of love.
"You still love him."
"In a way, yes. But not the way he wants me to." She waited a beat. "Korea threw him off."
"What?"
"Apparently someone in Korea convinced him I was alive and evil," she tried to explain.
"And you believe it?"
"He believes it. You can shield your thoughts but you can't fake them."
"So that's it then?"
Jean could hear the disappointment in his voice. "So what's it?"
"You forgive him and go back and rebuild your relationship."
"Did you not hear me the first time?" Jean asked in return. "I don't love him like he wants me to anymore. A rebuilt relationship would mean a friendship, nothing more." She felt relief from him and his her amusement.
"He doesn't trust me," she said after a few minutes, remembering those few seconds in Scott's mind. "He's… he's afraid of me."
"Of you? Patient, calm, rational Jean Grey?"
"He experienced Phoenix too, don't forget," she reminded him bluntly. "And it was directed towards him."
"Accidentally. You were angry."
"And he's worried about the next time I get upset with him," she replied.
"You guys fought?" Logan asked in genuine surprise. He'd never witnessed it. They seemed like the perfect 'it' couple of the mansion.
"Don't, Logan," Jean snapped. "Every relationship has its ups and downs."
"Rogue once told me lasting love should be unconditional, for who you are and that's it."
"She's smart," Jean said.
"Yeah, she is," Logan acknowledged.
"Thank you, Logan."
"For what?"
"Sticking by me, no matter what has happened." She faced him with a twinkle in her eye. "Your support has been unconditional." With that she turned and re-entered the mansion. Logan sighed.
He'd been busted.
Heh, so the first time I wrote this, I forgot to put in the bear... GAH! I almost threw a hissy fit! Still, I'm slightly disappointed with the shortness of this chapter... Not even 2000 words like they usually are. sigh Oh well... I might have to make up for it with the next one.
Anyway, here's the newest installment and I hope you enjoyed it. The next one isn't as hard to write and is actually flowing out of my fingers pretty easily so it should be up soon! 6 to go!
