Bashfulheart
Winter turned to spring and the blissfulness of the April mild weather fell over the mansion. Jean loved it because it meant she could go outside again, extend her abilities without having a million people on her heels. It was like stretching before a big run, allowing her to weaken her shields slightly and still not hear the people in her head.
"Jean?"
"Hey Logan," she answered, turning from where she was standing, head tilted back to the sky. She'd heard him coming, knowing the softness of his mental voice meant he was still shielding. She made a mental note to remind him to keep them stronger when she was out like this.
"What's up?"
"Let's go into the city," he suggested.
"The city? Why?"
"It's a surprise. Come on."
"Logan," she protested. "I don't do well with surprises."
"I think you'll like this one," he told her, turning away. "Oh, no skirts."
Jean burst into Ororo's room, not bothering to knock, her heart in her throat. The dark-skinned woman took one glance at the wide-eyed look on Jean's face and dropped the pen that was in her hand.
"Jean?"
"I need your help."
"Okay…"
"I'm going out and I have no clue what to wear," the redhead moaned.
"With who?"
Jean blushed. "Logan."
Ororo grinned. "About time."
"It's not like that 'Ro. It's just to get me out of the mansion."
"You're joking, right?"
"Ororo…"
"Why are you denying yourself?" Ororo asked, leading the way to Jean's room.
"Denying myself what?"
"This relationship."
"Don't do this," Jean begged.
"Someone's got to," Ororo shot back. "You and Logan have been dancing around this thing since we brought him back from Canada with Rogue."
"There's more to it than that," Jean protested.
"There was," Ororo conceded, "but when you came back, things had changed."
"Because I didn't have Scott?"
"Partly," Ororo agreed, opening Jean's closet door. "You came back changed too."
"Ororo," Jean said, voice warning.
"Look, I don't want to upset you Jean, but everyone can see it. You know Logan wants it, and not just out of lust. Not any more."
"How do you know that?"
"If you can't see it, you've got to be blind," Ororo said affectionately, turning from her perusal of Jean's wardrobe. She adored Jean like a sister, but sometimes her 'sister' was a little unobservant, especially for a doctor. "He adores you Jean. He's different with you."
"Different how?"
"Almost sweet. You've noticed it; I can see it in your face. Even with Rogue he's not as sweet or gentle. It's like you're going to break if he pushes you too hard."
"But he does it anyway," she protested. "He's never hidden anything from me, not when I ask, not usually."
"Exactly. The rest of us? He's still a cocky smartass that we all want to bring down a peg and he doesn't tell us squat. When he's upset, we steer clear. Unless he's with you because we know that he won't do anything. He reigns in his temper with you."
"He settles me," she admitted sheepishly. "Phoenix doesn't fight as hard when he's around."
Ororo smiled knowingly, pulling open Jean's closet. "Why don't you tell him?"
"I think he knows," Jean replied, coming to stand beside her friend at her closet. Both of them simultaneously started removing various items from the closet, throwing them to the bed.
"And Scott?"
Jean sighed. "I don't know, Ro."
"Do you love Scott, Jean?" Ororo asked, turning to look at their rather large selection of shirts, pants, skirts and blouses.
"No skirts… And no, not like that."
Ororo started holding up tops and bottoms, deciding first if she liked it before deferring the choice to Jean. Meanwhile, Jean replaced the skirts in her closet.
"Do you love Logan?"
Jean froze half way between the bed and the closet. "That's a loaded question," she finally responded.
"It's a simple answer," Ororo protested.
"There's more to it than you think. He's been beside me through everything that's happened since I started to breathe again. I don't want that to be the basis for… for this."
"You knew before you died, Jean," Ororo countered, watching Jean pick up her favourite pair of jeans and a red sweater. Jean made sure Ororo saw her roll her eyes before closing the bathroom door to change. Ororo decided on a different tactic.
"Tell me something."
"Yeah…"
"Are you happy when he's around?"
Jean stepped out of the bathroom and faced the full-length mirror on the back of one of her closet doors. "What kind of a question is that?"
"A logical one," Ororo responded. "Do you enjoy spending time with him?"
"I just…"
"Yes or no," Ororo pressed.
"Yes!" Jean finally relented.
"Are you happy when he's around? Do you miss him when he's away?"
"Yes and yes," Jean said defensively.
"And Scott?"
"He wants to spend time with me to get things back to the way they were."
"When you were engaged?"
"Yeah. But he's afraid of me."
"Afraid of you?" It took Ororo a minute to understand. "Phoenix."
"Exactly."
"Logan's not."
"It's the animal in me, just like the animal in him. He relates to it and he doesn't fear it," Jean tried to explain, dropping the hair she'd been twisting on her head.
"And you?"
"It's untapped power, but if I can get a handle on it…"
Ororo dug through one of the top drawers of Jean's dresser, withdrawing a clip and deftly securing half of Jean's long waves at the back of her head. "Now you're trying to change the subject," she admonished. "You're denying what could be the greatest, most explosive relationship you've ever had."
"That's the problem! It could be explosive."
Ororo laughed, stepping in front of Jean. "Dangerous, you mean? Jean, we're talking about passion, an all consuming fire."
"And how would you know, Ms Ororo Monroe?"
"Look, Scott was a safe relationship for you and yeah, at that point you needed it and you loved him, but didn't you get bored? And this thing with Logan… maybe with the changes you've gone through with Phoenix and all, it won't be as bad as you think."
"Ro…"
"You're afraid."
"What?"
"We're all aware that Logan and Scott are two opposites. You're afraid of what a relationship with Logan might result in. Maybe though, since you and Logan are opposites too, it's exactly what you need."
"I do love him," Jean said softly. "I admitted it to myself after Christmas."
"Now that wasn't too hard, was it?" Ororo asked cheekily as both women began gathering clothes, folding them and hanging them back in the closet.
"He calls too, you know." Jean's eyes travelled to the bears stacked on her windowsill, each face still visible in the pile.
"I know," Ororo said, eyes glittering. "I've been on missions with him too, you know." She followed her friend's gaze and gasped.
"Who gave you those?"
Jean smiled shyly. "Logan mostly. The kids gave me one after the first Phoenix attack."
"And you say he's not different with you," Ororo admonished with a grin as both women sat comfortably on the edge of Jean's bed. Silence fell for a few moments before Jean took in a deep breath.
"He could leave me," Jean said suddenly, playing with a stray string on her old bedspread.
"Is that why you won't do it?"
Jean looked down at her fingers. "I don't know if I can handle a heartbreak like that again, Ro."
"You think he's going to leave you," Ororo accused softly. "You're not giving him the benefit of the doubt."
"He'll get bored, Ororo. You were the one that said we're both opposites."
"Opposites can attract, you know," the dark-skinned woman reminded her colleague. "Sometimes you find a balance and it works."
"He'll get over this thing, this infatuation and move on. I get left behind with the daunting task of picking up the pieces again."
"You really are daft!" Ororo exclaimed in awe, wincing when she saw the glare and flash of hurt across Jean's face. "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. Its just… he's not just infatuated with you, girl, or he would have just taken advantage of you from the beginning. That's the way Logan is."
Jean had to concede to that point. Plus, hadn't Logan said something about waiting for her? Good things come to those who wait, she remembered, had been his own encouragement. His restraint was admirable too, never pushing her to go farther than he thought she wanted, going at her pace even though it was killing him to do so.
"See what happens," Ororo suggested. "If you enjoy tonight, away from prying eyes, then maybe there's hope."
Jean sighed. "Ro…"
"You're probably the first woman he's asked out first, before getting in her pants," Ororo interrupted slyly, ducking out of the room before Jean could find something to throw at her.
When Logan pulled up to a large tent in the middle of a larger parking lot in front of a convention centre, Jean's jaw dropped.
"A circus?"
"Not just any circus," he said proudly. "Cirque du Soleil."
Jean shivered at the way the French rolled off of his tongue, gingerly taking the two tickets from his hand. "Logan," she breathed. "This is…"
"Thank me later," he told her. "You should wait to see if you enjoy it first, anyway."
They made their way through the ticket booth, Jean's eyes wandering along the souvenirs as they entered the first tent. Everything one could think of was there, the costumes, the masks, the t-shirts, the videos… Jean couldn't take in everything fast enough. Beside her, his hand on her lower back so as not to lose her, Logan grinned. Ororo had mentioned seeing one of the shows with the students one night while she, Logan and Jean had been sitting in Xavier's office waiting for the weekly meeting to start and Jean's eyes had lit up.
The same way they were at that moment.
"I've wanted to see one of these for so long," she confessed, turning to face him, stopping him in his tracks. "How did you know?"
"Lucky guess," Logan replied cryptically. "See somethin' you like?"
Jean's gaze worked its way around the tent again, her mind absorbing and rejecting various objects. "I haven't decided," she said honestly. "Do we have to head in?"
"We should," he answered. "Food?"
They settled in for the performance minutes later, armed with popcorn and cotton candy. If Logan was honest with himself, he spent most of the show watching Jean instead of the performance. She was a kid on Christmas morning, gasping with wide eyes at some of the stunts and laughing at the antics of the clowns. He came out just as satisfied as she did, though for a completely different reason.
"Thank you," Jean gushed as they exited to the parking lot. "That meant the world to me."
He stopped, grabbing her elbow and spinning her into him. He tipped her face up to his with a hand under her chin. "It was nothing," he replied, voice gravely. "I'm glad you enjoyed it."
Jean threw her arms around his neck. "Enjoyed it? Logan, I loved it!"
His arms automatically wrapped around her waist, holding her close. "I'm glad."
It wasn't until Jean was almost asleep in the car that they spoke again.
"You were okay tonight?" Logan asked, seemingly out of the blue.
"Sorry?"
"With the hearing voices. You were okay?"
"Yeah," she answered wistfully. "I was so focused on the performers, I didn't think about hearing voices or anything like that."
"That's good right?"
"Of course. It's more than good." She turned in her seat to face him. "Logan, I had an awesome time tonight."
"Good. It's nice to get out of the mansion every once in a while."
"Yeah, that was good. The company was better though," she said shyly, looking out the window to avoid the gaze he shot at her.
"You know I'm here."
"I know."
Jean woke the next morning, rested and happy. She and Logan hadn't arrived back at the mansion until late the previous night and it felt good to be able to sleep in. She took a few moments to lounge in bed, stretching and rolling over, closing her eyes to doze. Eventually, however, not only did her inner alarm clock scream at her for wasting valuable time in bed, but there was a knock at her door.
"Coming," she called, pulling on her robe. Logan stood on the other side, a bear clutched in his hands.
"Morning," she said happily, leaning against the open door.
"Mornin' Red. Chuck wants me to look at something but I had this I wanted to give you." He held the bear out for her, the blue-green matching her apparel perfectly. Jean looked at the stomach, the heart hiding behind a cloud.
"Who is it?"
"Bashfulheart. Ro had a hand in this one. She said somethin' about lettin' you know bein' shy was okay but sometimes you've gotta take risks." He looked ill at ease and something struck Jean. His entire demeanour was off and Jean could feel herself reacting to it.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothin'."
"It's not nothing, Logan. You want trust, you want secrets, you've got to contribute too."
"Just this thing Chuck wants. If it's any worse than I'm thinkin', I'll let you know."
Jean sighed, long since having given up on trying to pressure him. "Promise?"
"I promise."
"Have you seen Ororo this morning?"
"Kitchen last I looked."
Jean's hands were squeezing the bear on and off, her own balance off because of his short sentences. "You sure you don't want to talk about it?"
He chuckled and the sound put her at ease a bit. "Jeannie, it's probably nothing."
"You don't react to nothing, Logan," she responded.
"I do now."
"Why?"
"Look, my outlook changed, Red. I'm not the same bastard everyone thinks I am."
"I know that."
"I got people to worry about now. People to protect."
She smiled softly, knowing subconsciously about his need to protect those he perceived weaker. The school was full of them, but she didn't delude herself to being excluded from that category. In fact, she was sure the whole idea was brought around when she was having problems in the beginning, not being able to lift a simple pencil. He simply smiled.
"I'll see you," he told her softly, knowing she had an idea of what was racing through his head. He turned at started down the hallway.
"Logan," Jean called, stopping him.
"You'll tell me if you have to go?"
He sent her a devilish grin over his shoulder. "I'll do more than tell you."
She laughed and blushed, surprised at the innuendo towards her but happy at the second of normalcy. Maybe a relationship with him wouldn't be that bad after all. She looked down at the bear in her hands and grinned, shaking her head and retreating back into her room to start her day.
Okay, I'm going to be honest, I wasn't happy with the romance side of this chapter. However, I guess the whole focus was Jean's conversation with Ro closer to the beginning. Ironically enough, half of this chapter is going to become the next one, so that's my excuse for it being so much shorter than the last one.
To all those that reviewed: You guys have been fantastic. I can't describe to you the feeling in my heart when I not only broke 100 but went over. Thank you so much.
Unfortunately, I'm starting my job at camp on Friday and won't be able to post for about a week, but I'll try and make sure I'm writing a chapter in the meantime. That way, when I get access to a computer, all I have to do is type it up, and voila! I'm really hoping that's only how long its going to be... that is of course if I don't finish the next one by then!
Here's the sad part: There's only 3 chapters left! If you think you guys are going to miss this when it's done, I'm terrified! This became my baby through the couple of months its been in progress, but I have an idea for a different story that's not tagged to this one. HOWEVER, if you guys can give me a ridiculously awesome idea for something tied to this one, I might be willing to be persuaded to write... Tee hee hee!
