My Sweet

Summary: As much as she had hated him in years' past, she loved him achingly now. But for the first time, he hated her. He hated her with every fiber of his being. And all because of a stupid decision. But that was the thing about love. It was easy to start, hard to end. Like war…

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

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Pressing her fingers over her eyelids and taking a deep breath, Lily fought off the images of what had happened for the umpteenth time that day. She was sitting in the library, numerous amounts of books spread out before her, but she paid no attention to the small print and moving pictures.

She let out a frustrated sigh, and opened her eyes.

The library was crowded today, that was for sure. Pages and parchment rustled periodically, and quills scratched unceremoniously, and seemed louder, to Lily, than it really was.

But she was getting a headache. It felt like one, anyway. Her temples throbbed, and her vision blurred every other time she blinked.

Then, suddenly, as if she had no control, the Event came rushing back to her, and this time, she couldn't stop it.

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"Lily, come on," James said, tugging on her upper arm, wearing that trademark lop-sided grin.

"I don't even know why I bother," she sighed, shooting a look over at Sirius and Peter, who were in a heated game of Wizard's Chess.

Remus, who was reading close by, looked up and grinned.

"You know, I'm beginning to think you forced her to go out with you, Prongs," he said, giving Lily an apologetic grin.

James gave Remus an effective, but prude, hand gesture, which sent Sirius into a fit of chuckles.

Remus pretended to look hurt, and pressed his hand over his heart.

"I thought we were passed things like that," he said tearfully.

Lily smiled.

"Okay, okay, let's go. If Remus begins to cry then I'll be forced into a state of laughter which will not be easily escapable," she said, smirking.

James grinned, and ruffled his jet-black messy locks of hair. His hazel eyes were bright.

"Okay, one second," he told her. "Just wait for me out there. I'll be out, then."

"Fine," Lily huffed, and stuck out her tongue at Sirius when pretended to cry.

As soon as she stepped out of the portrait hole, and sat down on the bottom step, she heard a noise.

"Psst!"

She looked around wildly.

"Hello?" she called.

"Psst!"

She stood up.

"Okay, pervert, whatever is it you want, you'd better--"

"Lily!"

"What?" she hissed, then regained her composure. She looked around again.

"Over here," the voice called.

She followed the direction of the voice.

"Hello, Evans."

"What the hell are you doing here? Past curfew?" she added, looking up at the handsome figure.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"Cut it out," she said sternly, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Come here," he grabbed her arm, and pushed her against the wall.

"What are you doing?" she hissed, trying to break away from him.

He was unbuttoning her cotton blouse, and kissed her neck fervently. She shivered, his touch frighteningly painful.

"Stop it!" She tried to pull away, but his grip was stronger than hers.

"Thomas-- stop. I have a boyfriend."

"What happened to us?" he asked, kissing along her jawbone.

"You cheated on--" she stopped dead. James's voice reached her ears. He was calling for her, and he was getting closer.

"You sick bastard! How could you?" she sobbed, realizing what he was up to, and she shoved him away, but he held her tight.

"St--" but before she could finish her sentence, his lips were on hers.

No, she thought, as the footsteps stopped. She felt her eyes burn. No, no, no…

A sharp intake of breath.

Thomas pulled away, smirking.

"Lily?" James's voice sounded confused.

"James! Please, this isn't what it looks like!" she tried to say. The tears were already coming, and she couldn't breathe.

James looked at her messy hair, red lips, and open blouse.

He scoffed.

But he looked hurt.

"Lily? How-- why?" he asked, sounding close to tears.

"No! Please!" she said.

But James turned away, hearing, and seeing, enough.

"Please don't walk away from me!" she sobbed.

He turned to look at her.

"You already did it to me. This'll just even things out."

He walked away.

She let out a noise between a scream and a sob.

"You bastard!" she said.

Thomas grinned at her.

"See you around, Evans."

"I hate you!" she sobbed, sliding down the wall. "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

She covered her head with her hands and sobbed.

That slimy bastard…

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Snapping her eyes open, she realized she had been crying.

Wiping her tears away, she quickly closed her books, shoved them in her bag, and made a beeline for the exit.

Ironically, she couldn't think in here.

"Breathe," she said to herself. "You'll be alright."

She heard footsteps behind her. She turned around.

"James?" she asked.

He stopped, and stared blankly at her.

"Can we talk? Please?" she asked, shifting her weight from one foot to the other.

"Why?" he asked, studying her.

"Because I'd like a chance to explain myself."

He seemed surprised at her remark. She felt her heart thump against her breast bone.

"Where?" he asked.

She looked around.

"In there," she said, pointing to an empty classroom.

He opened the door and stepped inside. She followed him, and closed it shut behind her. She slid her bag off her shoulder, and let it fall to the floor.

James turned around, leaned against a desk, and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I'm listening."

"Okay," she said, sighing. "Look, I know when you caught Thomas and me, it didn't look right. But he was-- setting me up. He wanted to get back with me, and so he thought if you caught us-- well, it happened. But I never went back to Thomas."

He softened a bit, but his eyes were still hard.

"I don't know. I mean, you were with him, and you were kissing him back." He sounded as if he were going to cry.

It broke her heart.

"I know. I didn't want to-- but, I dunno, you were coming, and I knew it already didn't look right, so I just kissed him back. Instinct."

"Oh," he said rather nastily, "So you just kiss guys all the time?"

"No!" she said, shaking her head, almost near to tears herself. "No, it's not like that--"

But she didn't see how this was going to help. James, unfortunately, would never take her back. She had to realize that. Accident or not, you just don't go back to that person. She'd do the same thing.

"You know what?" she said, sitting down, holding her head in her hands. "Just leave. Go. I'm not going to try to make you understand, anymore. I wouldn't take me back, either. I am sorry, though. On any account."

And then, she heard him walk out of the classroom, out of the door, and out of her life.

And suddenly, and without warning, she threw her head back, and laughed. It really wasn't her real laugh, this one was fake and plastic, and forced. But she kept laughing, laughing until she couldn't breathe, laughing until she was pratically gasping for breath, and then, then she really did start to cry, big, choking sobs, and as she curled herself up into a little ball, her insides aching, and her heart crushed, she finally realized that she-- Lily Evans, smartest muggle-born...no, smartest witch in her year, had been, for the first time she could recall, stupid. Completely and utterly stupid.