Chapter 14:
Mr. Darcy hesitated for a moment, knowing he was missing crucial time. He had not seen her since that morning and it was already late afternoon, as he had first gone to freshen up before speaking with his Aunt Catherine. His fingers rubbed the letter, her scent clearly on it, a smell he was now very used to and very sorely missed.
He took a deep breath and opened it, his curiosity taking the better of him. With a breath he did not know he was holding, he began to read.
"Dear Mr. Darcy,
I am writing this letter for I do not think I could endure another conversation like the one we had this morning. I know you have no reason to trust me, however, I shall convey the entirety of our relationship and our story just as I remember it. I hope you will do me the honor of reading this letter in its entirety.
We met in Hertfordshire when you came with Mr. Bingley, who was letting out Netherfield Park, an estate three miles from my home. We met at an assembly, where you danced with no one and kept to your inner circle. I thought you haughty and proud. We subsequently met a few more times, and I had no idea that you had formed an attachment in the few times we met and the one time we danced"
Mr. Darcy paused and closed his eyes. He found himself humming a song he did not know how he remember, but whose tune he now knew by heart. He squinted his eyes, forcing himself to see. He remembered that dance, it was one of the few memories that left him feeling happy but then frustrated. Something about that dance had been meaningful, but yet had left him feeling frustrated. He opened his eye and found that he was unknowingly clenching his fist. He continued reading.
"It is some time now since I realized I misjudged you, for Mr. Wickham came with the militia and spread lies, which combined with your haughty manner, everyone was eager to believe, myself included. I was a fool and blinded. I apologize sincerely.
My distant cousin, Mr. Collins, married my neighbor Miss Lucas, who then moved with her new husband to the parish in Rosings Park. I went to visit her in February and that is where I saw you once again, and where I met the Colonel.
You seem to enjoy meeting me in my morning walks and finding moments where I was alone. You called on me and showed me attention, but I was perplexed by your behavior then, for I thought you were simply staring to criticize not because you loved me. One day, you found me alone in the Collins' home and you simply proposed, I was in shock and your manner was rude. I declined, now it was your turn to be in shock. You left in anger, not knowing how I, someone clearly beneath you, could have declined such a proposal.
The following morning I went for a walk where I chanced upon you, I could tell you were still angry. You asked me to do the honor of reading a letter, which I never did. I do not know where said letter is nor what information it contained. We were then surrounded by men who put a cloth to our noses and we blacked out.
I awoke in a carriage, next to you. We were both tied down and your head was injured. I managed to convince one of the drivers to allow me out for a few minutes and in that time I surveyed our options and stole a key. Once we were moving again, I begged you to wake up and just to jump. You did. We managed to hide and then a lovely man gave us a ride to the hospital where without money, I begged them to care for you. They wanted to kick me out and the only reason I could think to give them was that we were married. And so I stayed and cared for you and brought your fever down. And when you awoke and did not remember anything I did not want to confuse you further, I needed to get us out of there and knew that it would only complicate logistics if you, who I now know is a true gentleman, would know we were not married.
You did ask me, once, when we were living as husband at wife, how we married. I could have told you then and I have since asked myself if I should. The truth is that it was easier to pretend it was real, it was easier to remain things as they were, until we were found. Perhaps I was being weak, but at the time, I convinced myself I was being practical.
I wanted to speak with you when we got to Pemberley but I was exhausted and you told me to sleep. I will not pretend that I was dreading the conversation for I was, but then the next morning you were gone. The staff thought we were married, Miss Darcy thought we were married. I did not know what to do.
It pains me greatly that you had to find out from such a person as Mr. Wickham. Miss Darcy spoke with me in earnest and it pains me greatly that I ever doubted your goodness and believed his. Once again, please forgive me.
I know you, I know you now as I never thought I could, and I know that you will want to do the right thing and marry me. But I could never live with you feeling as if you think I have tricked you into an unwanted marriage. To meet your eyes and not see the tenderness that I have so selfishly enjoyed...I am sorry, but I could not.
The Colonel told me that Mrs. Collins had told my parents that I had gone to visit a friend. It has not been two weeks since we went missing, I think that lie could still hold. I am sorry that I am leaving you to deal with telling your servants the truth, and most importantly, Miss Darcy. I do care for her, even if I only just met her, and I hope that you shall allow me to keep my friendship with her. She is quite lovely and I think could use a female friend.
Please do not come looking for me, let us leave things as they are.
Sincerely,
E.B."
Mr. Darcy took a deep breath out and wanted to crumple the letter in his fist, shredding it to pieces if he so could. It was almost dark fall and now he was sure that she had left. He could not ride in darkness and he was still not feeling his best since their long ride from Scotland two days ago. Where would she go? How could he find her? He muttered under his breath, shoved the letter in his pocket and left the room. Perhaps Richard could answer some of his questions.
Richard was in fact in the drawing room when he went in there, Mrs. Reynolds having notified Mr. Darcy that his cousin was waiting for him.
Fitzwilliam saw Richard's hesitation as he approached him, trying to read his eyes and mannerisms to see if he was welcome.
"Sit" said Mr. Darcy simply, remaining standing. "She has left" he said, handing him the letter. It seemed silly now to have been angry at the man who was like a brother to him, who he knew would put his own life before his. Richard seemed to take this as a peace offering and with a jaunty smile, took the letter and read it quickly.
"Where do you think she has gone?" asked Mr. Darcy, now sitting down and allowing his body to melt on the chair, the weight of the world on his shoulders. "Silly girl" he muttered, banging his fist on the table beside him.
"She has probably set out to London, she could be there by now. She most likely took a coach" said Richard, pursing his lips. "Darcy" said Richard hesitating before speaking, "I do believe we could keep this as quiet as possible. Your servants will not speak of it and she will keep quiet. She has given you a second chance."
Mr. Darcy tilted his head, looking at Richard with an expression that Richard did not recognize. He seemed to be thinking—something that caused more pain and frustration than it ever had before.
He could let her go. He could start anew. She was giving him that chance. If his anger was stronger than his love he could have done that, but alas, it was not. He did not need to recover his memory to know that a life without her would be no life at all. And with a sudden look of resolve and an expression that could only be described as understanding, he stood up and announced, "I am going after her."
Richard smiled approvingly, knowing that he would, but likewise knowing that it needed to come from him.
"Shall you require my assistance?" asked Richard, likewise standing up.
"No, I shall go alone and bring my wife home" he said, now smiling. That statement had a ring to it and with a smile he left the room, preparing himself for a trip. He was not strong enough to ride that night but he could set out first thing in the morning and bring his wife back home. Of that, he was certain.
